[Laura F]

Hi Sarah,
“Provider” can mean lots of things. It doesn’t have to be just financially. Men want to take care of us and will work hard in the ways that they think will “provide”. We can help them by asking for what we need. As you read through the guide, you’ll see that they use simple everyday examples- such as helping us to open a jar. I assume the “club” you’re in is some type of athletic activity, right? So, you could ask for help with technique or a skill that he displays that you just aren’t as good at.

I am going to be adding an interview of Alison Armstrong to the “Irresistible Qualities” tab on the forum that you might want to listen to. She talks about men’s desire to provide and how without guidance on what you want specifically they will continue to provide financially because that’s something they know how to do.

Think outside of the to identify possible genuine ways you could ask for his help or advice. What his natural strengths and abilities that you can “exploit” and dig into more by asking for help/advice in those areas? You’re looking for what he’s already good at or knowledgeable about so that you can build on that through the hero trigger technique.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Chan,
If you are feeling more drawn to the separated guy, then I recommend you focus your attention on him. I’m not so sure that flirting with both guys will create romantic tension if they don’t really know each other. I would be concerned that if the guy you are more keen on finds out you’ve been flirting with the other guy then it may discourage him from going any further.

If your time is already limited then it may be better to start things of really slow with his separated guy. He’s just out of a relationship and in a major transition phase. He likely doesn’t want to jump into anything right away anyway. Maybe see if he wants to grab a drink after club. Something quick but that gets you away from the others so you can have a more personal conversation and can flirt more brazenly. Check out “The Art of Flirting” under the “Irresistible Insights” tab so you can make the most of your time together.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Cynthia,
I believe that there were communication issues. If there hadn’t been, he would have been able to express to you what was going on and you wouldn’t have reacted out of frustration. Every relationship has its own unique challenges and strengths.

We have no idea whether the woman he is seeing now is using the same techniques and you can’t spend time worrying about that. You’ll never know. Just like your relationship with him had its challenges and strengths, his relationship with this other woman has its challenges and strengths too. They may have an incredible connection but that doesn’t make it perfect. You may be right that he created this relationship as a distraction but again you may never for sure so don’t invest your energy unnecessarily.

Because he is (apparently) happily involved with this other woman, I still think it may be best to be upfront with your reason for reaching out to him in addition to following the steps from the “Relationship Rewrite Method”. The steps will help you re-engage and address some of the challenges the two of you had. If he’s happy with her though you may not be able to achieve getting back together. You have to prepare yourself for the worst and be ok with yourself regardless of the outcome. I would also suggest examining why you want him back still after all this time and when he is seemingly happy in this new relationship (despite the fact that he said he loved you not long before you broke up). Be sure that the rest of your life is full and happy and if the rest of your life were the way you wanted it, would you still want him back? In the end you have to do what feels right for you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Doris,
Because the relationship is new, don’t push for too much too soon. If you focus on just having a good time together then that will translate into him viewing you as someone who is fun to be around and he will naturally want to be around you more. Keep the pressure low and if he does have feelings for you and you enjoy your time together the relationship will organically evolve. Check out the guides “The Secret to First Date Chemistry” and “Develop Alluring Confidence with Men.” These should help you to navigate your time together and not fall into that needy/clingy trap that you’re trying to avoid.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Chan,
It sounds like taking is slow with this guy would be best. He likely has some rough times ahead and may not want to get too involved with someone else too quickly after ending his marriage. Go with the flow and let him set the pace for the relationship. No need to address his intentions just yet. Spend your time together just enjoying each other and getting to know each other better. If you can focus on having a good time when you’re with him then his attraction will grow and the relationship will naturally evolve.

As for the liking two guys in the club you’re in, I think that could be a sticky situation. It could lead to some tension and awkwardness. Is the recently separated guy one of those two? I think may be best to just focus on one guy. Choose the one you have the biggest gut level attraction to and see where it leads. Either that of you leave both of the club guys alone and try to find an option that is not involved in the club. Just keep things friendly with both of them.

The 12 word text is embedded early in the text of “His Secret Obsession” It’s not highlighted or bolded or separated out from the rest of the text. It’s just part of the report so you have to read carefully. Try rereading the beginning and you’ll find it.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Lissa,
If only we could hit rewind and redo things! We all make mistakes and, unfortunately, first impressions aren’t always as good as we’d like them to be. If you still have contact with this guy, just start being yourself. He’ll see that the you he met at first isn’t really who you are as a whole. Rather than making things more awkward by bring up “hey, remember how I acted like an idiot when we first met?” just start acting the way you wished you’d acted then. It sounds like you’ve learned where you went you went wrong and what you would have liked to change. Start changing those things. Obviously, we can’t really go back in time so all you have control over is what you do in the future. So, while you can’t get a do-over, you do things differently. Just be sure to let your true self shine through!
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Dawn,
Let me start at the end of your questions first. The 12 word text is in the report “His Secret Obsession”. It is sort of imbedded in the text at the beginning of the report. It’s not separated out and highlighted so you have to read carefully. The 12 word text is good for getting his attention but doesn’t resolve the underlying concerns that may be preventing your exes from wanting to get back together.

It sounds to me like your exes were open to being friends with you and genuinely care about you but are not interested in a relationship and that’s why they pull back. I know it can be hard to be alone at times and we all do crave love. Seeking it from your exes because your afraid of being alone isn’t healthy though.

Working on yourself to improve your depression and anxiety and build your confidence and social support system would really be the best first step. You want to be able to be an equal partner in the relationship and not looking to the other person for salvation. I don’t really mean that you’re looking for them to save you but exaggerated for effect. Ideally you want to be ok with yourself before entering into a
relationship.

Remember that your exes aren’t the only men out there. I know you mentioned that you spend most of your time at home so I assume it’s hard to meet new people but forcing yourself to go out and socialize can not only help you meet new people but improve your mood as well. We all need to interact with others and going too long without that social interaction can have a negative effect on our mood.

I would recommend focusing on your own mental health. If you’re not in counseling, find a counseling in your areas. Try to exercise regularly. Yoga is especially good for depression and anxiety. Exercise boost your levels of serotonin and endorphins as doing something in a group provides you that socialization you’re seeking.

Being the best you that you can be will make you more attractive to any man. It’s a lot of pressure to try to someone else’s everything. Take care of yourself so that you can be healthier and therefore attract healthier people into your life.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Pamela
This must be incredibly difficult for you. I can’t help but wonder if while he may love you, he may not be in love anymore. It sounds like the two of you spent so much time struggling due to finances and health issues in addition to the regular stress that couples have. I think what you might be looking for is a relationship reset.

The best way to reset a relationship is to ask him to consider dating you again and to realize that you are going to decide whether or not to stay together based on how things feel in your hearts and based on how much you sense a true desire from each other to build the kind of beautiful relationship you want to be a part of.

The best middle ground approach is to communicate clearly that you are putting each other on a trial phase because you believe the relationship is worth it, but you just haven’t been feeling his full engagement the way you did before. Don’t describe this as a test. Rather, frame it as a joint decision to “press a reset button on our relationship.”  

In the meantime, be sure to check out the guide “What Men Secretly Want.” It goes in depth into the Respect Principle. The two things men want most from women are respect and acceptance. The guide talks about why respect is s important to men, how they best receive it, and how to show respect through your everyday interactions. Start implementing the Respect Principle right away. It is powerful enough that he will feel the difference in the dynamics between you but subtle enough that he won’t quite be able to put his finger on what is different.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Jessica,
It seems like it’s really important to you to talk with him about what happened. Sometimes being a bit self-deprecating can help ease the tension. Just put it out there that you feel awkward but have something you just feel compelled to talk to him about. Pause and give him a chance to respond then continue. Most likely, he’ll be encouraging or curious about what you have to say and will hear you out. You might say something along the lines of “Lately, I’ve been feeling…(be sure to use an actual emotion here) because…(explain but keep it brief. He’ll get lost in too much detail). I guess I’m just feeling confused about what’s going on with us.” When he talks be sure to not interrupt. Wait until he pauses and then give it another moment to see if he continues. Be sure to validate any feelings he brings up and work on understanding him.

However, if you feel like you’re almost over it, then is it really worth bringing it up and continuing to try to make it work? Especially if you find him to be set in his ways and unwilling to compromise? You only have a few months invested in this relationship so you don’t have a lot to lose by walking away right now.

Trust your intuition to guide you on what to say and do.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Kellie,
It can be painful to let go of the dream of getting back together. While the Relationship Rewrite Method is amazing, it does take both people wanting to be together. There is no way to truly talk someone into desiring to be with you. You can convince them to be willing but not to desire it. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of soul searching and growing during the two years you’ve been apart and hopefully he has too but sometimes through that growth you realize that what you had before isn’t what you want now. It doesn’t diminish the love and happiness you once shared but it is sad and painful to realize you may never have that back.

Being different is the best way to show him you’re different now. You won’t be able to do it with words alone. Through your actions and your interactions with him, he will be able to see that your different. However there is no guarantee that will mean he wants to get back together. In addition to the Relationship Rewrite Method, I would suggest reading “What Men Secretly Want.” This guide goes in depth into the Respect Principle. The two things men want most from women are respect and acceptance, and those go hand-in-hand. This guide talks about why respect is so important to men, how they best receive it, and ways to show it through your everyday interactions. Start implementing the Respect Principle now in all of your interactions with him.

I’m also going to recommend a couple of books that might help you along your journey of growth and development. The first is “The Future of Love” by Daphne Rose Kingma and the other is “Conscious Uncoupling” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Regardless of what happens with your ex, being the best you that you can be is worth it.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Jessica,
Because the relationship is relatively new, you’re both getting to know each other still and still getting a feel for how the other responds under stress. You tried to rectify things by sending that text. When did you send it? Give him a few days to respond. He may be processing everything that’s going on and trying to figure out what he wants and how to say it. If he doesn’t respond after about 3-4 days then send another quick text. There are a few ways to go about this next text: just your typical text like what you would have sent if there was nothing going on, a curiosity phrase text, or the 12 word text to trigger his hero instinct. Both the curiosity phrases and the hero instinct information can be found in the guide “His Secret Obsession.” Use one of these just to get communication flowing again. It might be best to have a talk about how you feel you need to put in more effort over the phone rather than on text where so much nuance of communicating can be missed. When you talk about these things, be sure to take accountability regarding what you think you’ve done “wrong” and what you want. Focus more on your own feelings and behaviors. He will most likely naturally follow with what he thinks he’s done and what he wants, saving you from having to tell him what you want.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Minh,
While the outcome may not have been what you originally wanted, I think it’s great that you were able to have an open conversation with Z, used your intuition to guide you to what is best for you, and had the courage to make a change. I’m happy that you’ve found someone who may be even more compatible than Z as well. Sometimes dating help you to see that the one person your fixated on isn’t the only fish in the sea. I did respond to your other post also. Have fun on your date!
Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Minh,
The question of when to have sex is very much a personal choice. Some say to wait until at least the 3rd date. Some say no sex without commitment. Some say to just go with the moment. When you think about the possibility of having sex with him, how does that sit for you? Are you comfortable with that? If things don’t go any further than that 2nd date and you’ve had sex with him, how will you feel? You may be ok with it now assuming that the relationship continues but if it doesn’t do you think you would have regrets? As long as you’re having sex with him out of desire and not feeling obligated or because think that if you have sex he’ll keeping you, you’ll be fine. There is no guarantee either way that the relationship will work out. I know people who had sex on the first date and have been together for years and people who waited quite a while and the relationship still didn’t last. You just have to know yourself and what you’re comfortable with. Trust you intuition in the moment and don’t over analyze things and you’ll be fine.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Purnima,
That’s too bad that he was married but it’s a good thing you found out now before anything really happened with him. Now you’re just disappointed but not heart broken. I like how you’re trying to look on the bright side and can see that you know how to approach a guy and have learned from this experience. On to the next, I guess.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Cynthia,
Let me work backwards a bit here. I agree that you don’t want to put his best friend in the middle of it by asking him questions about your ex. That will make things awkward and you end up losing a friend in the process.

If you haven’t had any contact with him at all you won’t be sure when the “right” time is. Keep in mind there might not really be a “right” time. Sometimes you won’t know until you try.

As for how he can actually have moved on without harboring the anger about your relationship, who knows? Maybe he is still angry about it but is able to not let it seep into his current relationship. Maybe he is using his new relationship as a distraction (we know how powerful those new relationship hormones can be). The other thing to remember is that everyone processes things uniquely. What you think would be difficult for you may not be as difficult for him. It is important to listen to your own instincts though if you feel like there is no way you’re ready to connect with someone else.

It was also an unfair expectation that he expect you to understand without really explaining anything to you. I think what he might have been referring to was that you understand that he was confused and didn’t have an answer for you.

At this point, I suggest you think about what you want to achieve by contacting him now. When I review the posts and do the math, it looks like you’ve been broken up for at least 7 months now, is that about right? Do you still want to get back together? Do you want some closure and understanding of what exactly happened on his end? If you choose to contact him, have a purpose and be upfront with him whether it’s just needing some closure and more information or because you still have feelings for him. Being intentional about the contact and transparent about it will likely help him to feel more at ease because he will know what to expect. If you’re not really sure what you want out of contacting him but just miss him or just want to vent your frustration over what how things went, then maybe now is not the time to reach out.

Continue to work on yourself like you have been over the past few months. Keep yourself busy with other people and activities. Maybe even try dating again if you haven’t. It doesn’t have to be with the intention of getting into a serious relationship but just to help remind you that he’s not the only guy out there and there are other guys with whom you may feel a connection.
Good luck, Laura

[Author]

Posts