[Laura F]

Hi Lolita,
I’m sorry your question got overlooked for so long. I know you and I had conversed via emails about this situation. If he was planning trips and things to do together, much like we talked about, it probably means he likes you and is attracted to you yet does not want to limit himself to just one partner. So while he wants to be able to do things with you, he also wants to be free to do what he wants with other women too. It’s really not more complicated than that. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, as the saying goes.

While you may want to do things like move somewhere else with him or take trips together, it’s important for you to let your expectations and boundaries be known so you don’t feel resentful and used later. So while you could say “I want that too” you may want to add “I would have trouble really being satisfied with that though knowing you are seeing other people still.”

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Chu,
The Relationship Rewrite Method is one of the reports available to you under the “Your Products” tab. I recommend reading it a few times. At least once just to absorb the material and then read it again as you start to think about how to apply it specifically to your situation.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Chu,
It sounds like there has been a lot of back and forth and turbulence in the relationship which must be hard on both of you. I can see why he would be hesitant to give things another try when you have been the one to break things off twice. My guess is he is cold because he is still hurt. It will take time for him to work through the hurt and pain. And he may not work through that on the timeline you want or expect.

Before getting back together, I suggest you think about why you want to be with him and why you broke up with him. How are the things that caused the break up different now that you could expect to feel differently want to continue in the relationship this time around? Be honest with yourself when you do this.

If you still feel you want to get back together with him, you have to work on attracting him back rather than convincing him to come back. The Relationship Rewrite Method helps you do this. It takes you through being able to have amicable contact with him, how to confess responsibility for your part of the relationship troubles, and how to begin to pull him back in and repair things so they are stronger this time around.

The Relationship Rewrite Method will give you 6 steps to follow. These steps though are not a checklist. You might not move smoothly from one to the next to the next. You may find that you spend time going back and forth between a couple of the steps before moving on or that you stay on one step for a while though another step seems quickly accomplished. Pace yourself. He needs time to adjust and get used to the idea of being with you again. And, like I said, you are attracting him back- making him want to be back with you not convincing him that he “should” be with you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Viv,
You have done a lot of work on yourself and in preparation to be a good partner for someone else. We can’t control what the other person does. I think part of the problem you’ve described above (guys responding but not initiating as much, emojis rather than words) is because guys just aren’t as good at communication as women. Emojis save him from trying to figure out what to say with words. He thinks he’s still engaging in the conversation with an emoji. And, some people just don’t like texting.

One thing that you could try doing to get him a little more active (because I think this current guy does like you), is to “invite” him to call or text you. For example if you are texting with him today, you could say “It would be ok with me if you called tomorrow night so we can talk about X if you’re free.” If you let someone know when you’re available and make it clear that you want to talk with them, whether or not they follow through tells you how interested they are. Do they call? Do they do it in the time frame you gave them? Or do they all way outside of the time frame? So, if you tell him to call tomorrow night so you can talk about details of the trip and he waits until 11pm to call, well…that seems like following through out of obligation not desire because now it’s too late to work through all the details. Or if he calls at 4pm and you’re still at work so you can’t talk.

I also think the quality of conversation you have is important. Is it always just bland and barely responsive? Or is his lack of engagement because he’s tired or for some other reason? Is he not “talkative” via text but is great by phone? If you don’t call or text for several days will he check in with you? At the beginning of a relationship, who is initiating contact can be unequal but usually equals out or you find the “normal” for your relationship.

I would like to hear from other women and think it could be helpful for you to hear the signals they look for to know if a guy is interested vs just being polite.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Viv,
If you want to be more than friends, do NOT put it out there that you are just friends. That’s not what you want. It doesn’t sound like he wants that either. If he wanted to be just friends he would not have asked about romantic expectations and not knowing how intimate things will be.

It sounds like both of you are nervous and are trying to be respectful of boundaries and not expect too much of each other. Next time you talk to him, think ahead about what you want to say or ask. You don’t need a script but think about the important details of the visit and the trip that you want to discuss and how you’ll word that and the rest can just be free flowing conversation. Before you call, visualize the phone call going the way you want. Imagine yourself being able to talk and joke with ease and feeling relaxed. Then take a few slow, deep breaths.

If you get nervous and flustered on the phone with him again, just acknowledge it with a simple “Geeze, I don’t know why but I’m getting all tongue-tied and nervous talking to you about this.” He’ll probably be flattered and help ease the tension.

Good luck, Laura

You do have to finish making arrangements so you can either call him or ask him to call so you can talk about the details. Remember, he’s just a guy and he’s probably just as nervous as you are about this. T

[Laura F]

Hi Jessica,
It can be confusing when people don’t respond they way we expect or don’t respond the way most people would. I don’t know how long it’s been since you sent the message but maybe he has a lot going on and hasn’t had a chance to respond or is thinking about how to respond. Maybe he is still working through what happened between you and isn’t ready to talk or to be friends. Maybe he is just keeping the door closed for whatever reason. You may never know the reason.

You’ve apologized and thanked him so you know you did all you could. The ball is in his court now to do with as he will. It’s hard not knowing but it’s best to just leave things as they are now and if he wants to respond he will. If he doesn’t respond, it probably wasn’t meant to be.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Toni,
The best way to help him feel comfortable and to not be skittish that you’re just trying to get him back is to have just a normal conversation with him. There’s no magic trick here. Talk to him like you would any friend. The two of you have known each other for a few years so you have plenty of things you can discuss- classes, spring break, his friends, his family, your family, your friends. If you really feel the need to say something specific to initiate the conversation I would keep it simple with something like “It feels weird not talking with you so I thought I would just reach out and see how you’ve been doing.” You have the right idea when you say you want to gradually increase the amount of communication. You have to slowly earn back trust and respect for each other. This is best done through honest, respectful interactions on a regular basis.

Don’t contact him too much. Maybe every other week right now. You want to keep things casual and you don’t want to make him the focus of your life right now- that will just make it harder for you especially with him only wanting to be friends.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Viv,
If you feel that the offer was made so long ago that he may have simply forgotten (which does is different that you making the offer last week and this week he is talking about hotels) AND you feel comfortable on all levels letting him stay with you, then go ahead and ask again. Just be sure that you are doing it because that’s what you want to do and not because you feel obligated to do or because you feel like it’s the “right” or “nice” thing to do. I don’t think not inviting him to stay would come across as lack of interest, especially if he knows your history. Tune in to your intuition. What does your gut tell you to do? Not your head or your heart but your gut. That is your intuition. Learn to listen to and trust it. If you want to learn more about how to do that the report “Awakening Your Feminine Intuition” is a great read with exercises to do to help you practice. There is also a book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker that talks about the purpose of intuition, how it is essentially programed out of us by the “rules” of society.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Toni,
It’s hard when you let others influence you and your choices and your relationships. I can tell you’ve given everything that happened a lot of thought and have insight into your weaknesses. You say you can’t be friends right now and want to be back together. Before making an attempt to get back together, I suggest you think about how things started deteriorating and what will be different this time around (assuming that you do get back together)? How will you prevent your friends from interfering? How will you work on being able to trust him? It seems to me that he has a valid point that you didn’t trust him. How can you trust him now if you didn’t trust him then? Him seeing this other girl probably has compelled you to want to get back together a little quicker than you might have if he were single. You may feel a sense of urgency because you have “competition” now.

I recommend reading the guide “Handling the Competition like a Queen” to help you feel more confident in being able to have interactions with him even though he is seeing her. This can be found under the “Irresistible Insights” tab. I also recommend the report “The Relationship Rewrite Method.” This report discusses the 6 steps to getting back together and being stronger than ever. It will lead you through being able to talk with him, owning your mistakes, and getting him to start thinking about the good things you had together.

My final piece of advice is to work on your own issues with trust and self-confidence. Taking care of those issues and being the best you can will be an investment in yourself that will pay off no matter who you are with or if you stay single.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Nausicaa,
Ok so you know there is already an attraction and love. It’s just questionable whether he’s still in love. You’re already naturally doing the hero instinct and he continues to help you so you need to switch up things. I am assuming that you read “His Secret Obsession” which is where the hero instinct is detailed. In this guide, it also talks about the power of compliments. This may be a good way for him to feel accepted and respected by you. You may also want to check out the report “What Men Secretly Want” which talks about the respect principle. The two things men want most are respect and acceptance, which often go hand in hand. This guide goes into depth about why respect is so important to men, how they best receive respect, and how you can show respect through your everyday interactions. This helps change the dynamics in a subtle yet powerful way. He will feel the difference but won’t be able to put his finger on what exactly is different. This can help set you apart from the woman he is currently seeing and may help speed up the inevitable break up since he’s told you that he doesn’t plan on being with her much longer.

One thing that helps rekindle that new relationship feeling is just giving each other undivided attention. When he does come over, turn the phone off. Don’t just sit and watch tv. Talk about things like you used to when you were getting to know each other. Make and sustain eye contact. Use touch to your advantage when talking with him. Rest a hand on his leg or touch his arm to make a point when you’re talking. Get a little flirty like you used to when you were first together. The “Relationship Rewrite Method” might also be helpful because some of the steps can help resolve some of the concerns that lead to the break up and help strengthen what you have.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Viv,
I think you did your part by extending the offer to stay at your place already. He knows the offer was made and is choosing to get a hotel. It sounds as if he is trying to be respectful of boundaries and not move too fast. Him staying at a hotel also offers a respite from each other at the end of the day to process through how it was to be together. It gives each of you some space which is a good thing. As for the Wellbeing event, I think it would be appropriate to ask for clarification on what the arrangements would be at the hotel. You can phrase it delicately by saying something like “I don’t want to make any assumptions so when you talk about getting a hotel room for the Wellbeing event, what were you thoughts on how we would do that?” Play dumb a little so that he talks about his expectations and then you can let him know what you’re comfortable with or not comfortable with. Think about the possible options he might give you ahead of time so that you’re prepared with how to respond regardless of what he says.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hey,
The age old question- when is the right time to have sex for the first time? Well, the answer is that it depends. You need to follow what feels right to you- both emotionally and physically. I know people who have had sex on the first date and have been together for years and others who waited months and the relationship didn’t last very long. You have to trust what your body and intuition are telling you about him and the situation. For all men, sex is one of the ultimate ways of feeling completely accepted by a woman. They want to be wanted and they really would prefer sex with emotion and connection over shallow sex done out of willingness rather than desire. As long as you truly want to have sex with him and it’s not a strategic move (i.e. having sex so he will feel compelled to keep seeing you) then it’s ok. It’s more important that he sees you as someone genuine who trusts themselves and their body.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Olive,
Have you been in touch with him since Christmas or will this be the first time you’ve been in touch since then? If you haven’t talked to him since then, you will probably just want to reach out casually with a “Hey! I was thinking about (or heard or saw) X which reminded me of you. How have you been?” And if you can, ask some follow up question based on what the two of you had been talking about.

If you have been in touch and are just now realizing that there might be something there, the 12 word text to trigger his hero instinct would be good. Think about what his strengths are or in what areas he is knowledgeable. You want to ask for help or advice on something he has experience or special knowledge about. So what you ask for help/advice with will vary. If he’s into cars and you have an issue with yours or need new tires or are thinking about getting a new car, you could ask for his opinion. If you know he’s handy and good at fixing things and you have a leaky faucet, ask him to fix it. Maybe you have a trip planned to somewhere he’s been. You can ask for good hotels or restaurants in the area. Triggering his hero instinct also allows for natural opportunities to follow up with him. You can tell him how things turned out, thank him and compliment him.

If you’ve been in touch all this time and not interested, it might take a little more work from you to get him to start seeing that you are now interested. One way to do this is by saying something along the lines of “You know, we’ve been hanging out/talking for a while now…I’d like to spend more time with you and see what happens. But I know that sometimes when people start spending more time together deeper feelings can develop and I don’t want to do that if that’s not something you’re interested in.” It gives him an out and doesn’t make it an all or nothing because you’re just seeing what will happen.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Viv,
Congratulations on making so much progress in therapy and overcoming whatever that bad experience was enough to consider dating again. I think what will help best right now is actually to not get serious with any guy and instead work on building your comfort level with getting to know men, having confidence in yourself when it comes to men, and beginning to feel more comfortable creating intimacy with men. Starting out with your first serious relationship in years with a long distance relationship will be a challenge.

With this guy from WhatsApp, you might want to find out more about what he wants in life before trying to move into some type of formal relationship with him. While the age gap might not be the problem, it could be if, for example, he wants to have children. He may assume you don’t want kids (or anymore kids- I don’t know your situation) and that could be a deal breaker for someone. I would start trying to see if it’s worth moving things along by talking about the future he envisions for himself, what goals he has, where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years. Do those things match with what you want for yourself? There may be chemistry but if your values and priorities are too different it will be a huge strain on the relationship. So, explore the idea of the future with him.

You could also suggest meeting up again sometime. If he’s interested, he’ll likely jump at the chance and if he’s not he’ll be non committal or evasive or just not do anything with the suggestion.

Check out the “Irresistible Insights” tab. There are a few guides on there that will be useful for you- Develop Alluring Confidence with Men, Dating Profiles that Snag Real Men, The Secret to First Date Chemistry, The Art of Flirting, The Art of Abundance Dating…There are so many that I think you could find some valuable information. Because you’ve been out of the dating scene, it may be good to just casually date guys. Get a feel for the differences in men. Find out what you are most attracted to and what you need from a partner and also what you have to offer a partner. You know how teens will “date” someone for a couple of weeks then break up and then date someone else for a few weeks? Through that process, they are learning about themselves and what they need from someone else. They are figuring out the dynamics between the sexes and how to gradually build intimacy with others and begin to trust them. I think this is what you need to do before committing to the guy who lives a 2 hour plane ride away. That may seem safe because he’s not actually there but it’s just not the same as being with someone during this new experimental phase of your life. The guides that I mentioned above will be helpful whether you decide to pursue things further with him or just play the field.

Good luck, Laura

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Laura F.

[Laura F]

Hi Amy,
It sounds like the two of you have struggled for a while so being able to turn things around in 20 days isn’t realistic. However, you can work on things to that by the end of the 20 days there may be more of a willingness to commit to continuing trying.

While he is gone, I think it will be important to work on yourself more so that you can truly be happy regardless of the outcome. It’s big of you to say you will respect and accept it if he finds someone else over the next year but it’s much harder to do. The two of you have been together for a long time so it will be natural to be hurt and grieve the end of the relationship if that’s what it comes to. It will also be difficult to suddenly be happy if you are together. My guess is that there were other things (perhaps from your past) contributing to the gambling and addiction problems and adding to your general unhappiness. Working intensively for the year he’s gone will allow you to grow into the person you want to be. Not for him or for the relationship but for yourself. If you are happy with yourself, then that will be more attractive to him (or anyone).

The truth is that relationships also need to be renegotiated periodically. You’ve been married for 10 years and are not the same person you were then. He’s not the same guy he was 10 years ago either. People grow and change and learn about themselves. Needs changes at different stages of life. Each time he gets deployed he is a different man and you are a different woman when he returns. All of this needs to be openly discussed and processed through for things to work when he comes back. Renegotiations needs to happen when these changes occur. Renegotiation doesn’t mean something went wrong. It’s an honoring of the changes in each other and commitment to doing what is true for yourself and each other. Keep this in mind as you work through things together.

Check out the report “The Relationship Rewrite Method”. This goes through the 6 steps to turning the relationship around from re-engaging contact to owning your missteps to strengthening the relationship where it once was weak. Read the report a few times- the first time just to take in the information and then another time or two to start processing how to apply it to your specific situation. Remember the steps aren’t necessarily linear. You may find that you go back and forth between a few steps or that you spend a long time on just one step. Start working these steps to see if you can make a shift from not being sure if you should stay together to a desire to stay together. You have to have realistic expectations given the amount of time you have left to physically be with him before a year of separation.

Good luck, Laura

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