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Hi Minh,
I think at times the chemistry of a platonic relationship is amplified because of the quality of the friendship. You like each other for who you are and aren’t placing expectations on each other. That’s a good feeling. It’s freeing. So when there is an initial physical attraction, being friends can increase that attraction.That doesn’t mean you can’t get past that and have a really good friendship. With this guy, you know that he’s got a few non-negotiables that you don’t meet. So, I wouldn’t recommend trying to turn this blooming friendship into a romantic relationship. Because his non-negotiables are big (someone younger who can and wants to have children), getting into a romantic relationship could lead to resentment and frustration because your life goals are different.
If the attraction persists and is on both sides, you could explore a friends-with-benefits relationship. If this is something you’re open to, you might want to read the book “Sex 3.0” by JJ Roberts which gives an evolutionary perspective of relationships and how the way most relationships are done now isn’t necessarily what’s working anymore.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Melissa,
It seems that things are actually going well. I would focus on just maintaining where you are with him right now. I think you just may want to keep your expectations realistic considering he hasn’t brought up reconciliation. Part of the attraction now is probably because you are both just being present with each other and not thinking about any beyond whatever you’re doing right then. It takes the pressure off him. Staying present also makes your time together more enjoyable and therefore makes you more attractive.Stay in the moment with him. Continue to use the 6 steps because it seems to be working with him.
If things continue this way, you could approach the idea of getting back together by gently saying, “We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and I’ve really enjoyed the times we’ve hung out…(wait for some type of response). However, if we keep spending time together like this there is the chance that deeper feelings develop. I wouldn’t want to do that though if that’s not something you’re ok with.” Again, give him space to answer. Doing it this way is low pressure because it makes it hypothetical and it gives him an out if he’s not looking for a relationship again.
Keep up the good work!
LauraHi Lily,
I’m glad to hear that he has started to call, even if he isn’t always consistent or on time. Baby steps. Work on encouraging the phone calls with praise, i.e. telling him how happy you are to hear his voice or how you love to hear him laugh so you’re glad he called. It sounds like he’s making an effort so the phone calls will probably become more regular as the relationship grows and the phone calls will also help increase the intimacy in the relationship.I agree that before you get too upset with him about the phone calls, it’s best to consider how your past is influencing your reactions to this situation. In general, when you are triggered by something it be traced back to an event from your past. As you go through that process I encourage you to think what negative beliefs you have about yourself when that situation comes up and evaluate the reasonableness or rationality of that belief (because odds are it’s going to be a fairly irrational belief). Then think about what kind of more positive, rational belief you can replace that irrational one with. When you find that irrational belief cropping up later, replace it with the rational one you identified.
Keep up the good work!
LauraHi Lily,
It is disappointing and hurtful when you’re looking forward to being able to talk to him and he doesn’t call like he said he would. I think you could gently address this by saying something like, “I was disappointed I didn’t hear from you last night. I was looking forward to hearing your voice.” Give him a chance to speak and maybe explain. Validate whatever he says then suggest what might work for you in the situation. It might be that you don’t want him to say he’ll call if he isn’t 100% sure he will be able to (in which case maybe he can just say he’ll call you later in the week or he’ll try to give you a call which will help keep your expectations down) or that maybe you suggest planning a set night to talk on the phone each week (or every other week) then both of you know when you will have to intentionally set aside that time. If he works late during the week and coaches during the day on the weekend, maybe you schedule for Saturday or Sunday morning instead of at night.If you don’t let him know that him not following through with calling bothers you, you are preventing him from having the opportunity to change his behavior. When he does follow through let him know how special it makes you feel that he took the time to call because you know how busy he is. Praise and compliment what you want. That will usually work better to motivate him to do more of it than complaining about what he doesn’t do.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Svetlana,
Ok, so an 8 hour drive would make regular weekend visits more difficult. It sounds like you know your limits and have thought about all of that already. I would continue as normal for this week until he comes back this weekend and have the discussion. Perhaps by addressing it as an immediate issue and letting him know the only way you feel you can be with him is if you move with him, then he will know in no uncertain terms what your feelings are now and he can choose if that is what he wants. If he doesn’t know if he wants you to move in with him, then maybe you make the decision to end things.Keep in mind though that just because you are talking by phone, it doesn’t mean you have to make small talk and are unable to have deep, emotionally intimate conversations. It does take extra energy and intentional effort to maintain closeness and attraction in long distance relationships. While it’s difficult, it’s not impossible. Remember that he is not the men you dated before and this relationship is not identical to those relationships. So what happened with those relationships may not happen with this one…especially because you are aware of your limitations and needs. If you can clearly communicate those to him you may be able to avoid the problems that came up in previous relationships. Ultimately though you need to do what you feel is best for you.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Svetlana,
This is a difficult situation to be in. You two have been together for a year and had settled into a somewhat comfortable pattern. I don’t think you need to completely end things right now. He is still adjusting to the move and isn’t even fully moved there since he is still splitting his time between both locations. You’re expectation that he ask you to move with him was one that you did not share with him so it’s unfair to hold it against him because he didn’t meet your expectation.I suggest opening the conversation by talking about how you miss him and miss getting to see him all the time. Ask about how he likes his new city, if he thinks you would like, how he envisions things working out between you with him so far away now, and what you would like. Having an open dialogue is going to be vital to making this work. A few hours apart is doable because you can still spend weekends together. But, you do have to be realistic about what you need from a partner and why those previous long distance relationships didn’t work. Plan for those challenges and address them proactively.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Jan,
You are certainly putting a lot of thought and care into how to handle this situation which will pay off. I would recommend sticking to just one misstep rather than a list of all the things you did “wrong”. Think about the things he has said about your actions that bothered him most and see what kind of a confession you could make about that. Like I said, just pick one for now. Because you’re doing it by text you can add the piece about how he doesn’t have to respond but also send a second text changing the topic that does “require” some sort of answer.When you make your confession, you want to keep it short- just enough to clearly explain what you think your fault is. Stick to just one confession. The others can come, one at a time, at later times if he continues to be receptive.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Lily,
I’m glad things are going well with this new guy. I like how you were able to be open with him and that he seems to be receptive to taking things slowly. The emotional intimacy will grow slowly over time but it’s good that you’re thinking about this ahead of time. So, he works a lot and also coaches. Between those things he stays pretty busy. When it is not coaching season, his time should be freed up a bit.For now it may be best to not expect too much. Regular texting is good but if you can add some phone calls or Skype/FaceTime calls that would help with the intimacy. Fitting that in every other week might be appropriate for this stage of the relationship. Knowing that you aren’t expecting daily calls might help ease pressure from him. Doing it just every other week or so means he only has to dedicate an hour (or however long) every other week. That’s most likely doable. You can suggest it as a “date”.
I’m including a link to a website that has a list of questions that get progressively more intimate to help build that emotional intimacy you’re looking for. The questions were studied to see if they helped people fall in love. The site has a link to the article that talks about the study. Do one or a few questions at a time. Some of the early ones are more light-hearted and could be used just to spark some conversation and the two of you opening up more. Here’s the site: 36 Questions
Keep using the tips from “His Secret Obsession” and following the Respect Principle. If you are consistent and open with him, the intimacy will naturally follow. The separation might actually help with the emotional intimacy because you are forced to talk rather than give in to the physical attraction.
Good luck and keep up the good work!
LauraHi Chan
It sounds like this guy has a lot going on between you, the ex-wife, and the old girlfriend. I would say now is NOT the time to be exclusive. He needs some time to figure out what he wants in his post-divorce life. And you don’t need to become more emotionally invested in someone who isn’t sure what he wants and is trying to please 3 different women at the same time. I think it would be fine to remain friendly and text or talk or even meet up occasionally so that you can monitor where is in his life and what’s going on with him and just stay on his radar. I think it might be wise too to date casually for a while rather than go straight into an exclusive relationship given all that he has going on with him.Good luck, Laura
Hi Jamie,
Just because he realized he was an idiot doesn’t mean he knows how to change it. Fear (which is what insecurity is at it’s core) is a big motivator for people. They don’t want to feel that way so often will avoid situations that make them feel it. So if fear and insecurities were part of what drove him away, then he needs to have done some work on that during the time you were apart and continue that work while you’re together if things are to have a different outcome. Doing that personal work can seem daunting and scary and overwhelming to some.Obviously I don’t know all the details of what happened, but I think you may be able to reinforce his security in your relationship through using the Respect Principle. The two things men want most from women are respect and acceptance (and those two things often go hand in hand). By implementing the Respect Principle into your everyday interactions, you can help to shift the dynamic between you thereby increasing his sense of safety and importance. The Respect Principle is powerful enough that he will feel the difference but subtle enough that he won’t quite be able to put his finger on what is different. You can find a detailed explanation of The Respect Principle, why respect is so important to men, how they best receive it, and ways to incorporate respect into all of you interactions in the guide “What Men Secretly Want.”
Good luck, Laura
Hi Belinda,
It sounds like there was a lot of back and forth between the two of you during this breaking up period. Neither of you sound sure what you really want and the on-the-fence behavior of each other adds to the ambivalence and confusion. I think you’re right when you mentioned that you may end up resentful if you stay with him and he chooses not to have children when you really want another. That is one of those deal-breaker areas.I’m glad you’ve read the Relationship Rewrite Method. I think the tricky thing with someone who is passive-aggressive is that you can’t be sure what they are feeling because they don’t feel comfortable sharing their genuine feelings. This likely relates back to their own past experiences which can be difficult to overcome. With passive-aggressive behavior, you’ll want to focus on respect (you can read about the Respect Principle in “What Men Secretly Want”. You also want to validate, praise, and compliment when he does express himself directly and clearly. This will hopefully help him feel more comfortable sharing what he really thinks and feels. You might want to consider spending some time focusing on the respect and validation/praise to set the tone for following through with the steps of the Relationship Rewrite Method. Using those in conjunction, you should get good results. There is obviously no guarantee because there’s no accounting for free will and how he will respond or react or what other things may take place that influence him.
Follow through with the hero instinct trigger and take him up on his offer to look at your car. This allows a natural opportunity for you to again praise and compliment him to help shift the dynamics between you.
You may also want to check out the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. Sometimes passive-aggressive men are under a misguided notion that they need to be “nice” in order to be liked and so hold back anything that might upset someone else or that someone else might not approve of. You might get some good insight into your boyfriend by reading this book.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Melissa,
Well, there’s a whole school of thought that the purpose of relationships is to help us learn about ourselves. It sounds like you’re doing that. You’ve gained insight and wisdom through this process even when it was difficult. That is invaluable!
LauraHi Purnima,
I’m glad that it worked out for you! Being friends will be good and perhaps the friendship can grow to be more with time.
LauraHi Purnima,
Sounds like things had been going well until that moment. It sounds like you didn’t quite get to hear what the rest of his “I’m not…” was. I’m curious what the rest of that sentence was.As hard as it might be I think texting or calling him might be a good idea. You could apologize for stepping over boundaries and let him know you didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable and just see how he responds. It does seem odd that he was initiating affection then pulled back. Perhaps by apologizing, he’ll open up and let you know what was really going on with him. Now that you’re not being taken by surprise, you’ll be able to hear him out.
I don’t think you need to stop going to group events. That’s just not fair to yourself. I think if the two of you can clear up what happened then there’s no reason why you couldn’t at the very least be friends.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Melissa,
Haven’t you ever wondered what an old flame was up to? Or maybe missed something in particular about that person? There was a reason you were together at one point even if it ended in infidelity. There had to have some level of attraction and friendship for the relationship to have taken off in the first place. Those may be things that he misses about you and be the reason why he wants to reconnect. If it was him that unfaithful (which I am assuming by the wording of your question), you may want to set a boundary within yourself that you aren’t going to become romantically involved again to save yourself from getting hurt. while he might be a terrible boyfriend, he might be a really good friend.
Good luck, Laura
