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Hi E,
It can be so confusing when guys flip like that. My assumption would be that he does like but wasn’t in love with you (or didn’t want to admit to himself that he was in love). When you tried to talk to him about the state of the relationship it probably scared him because he originally didn’t get into it to be in a committed relationship. MY guess is the talk you had opened his eyes about his feelings and how yours were getting stronger too and that was scary. He probably doesn’t want to hurt you but started “being a jerk” as a way of distancing himself emotionally. I think when you meet up with him to talk it will be most important to listen to him and validate his feelings. You need to get a true feel for what he is experiencing so let him take the lead in the conversation. I suggest that before you talk you think about what you want from the relationship. Are you ok with things staying like they were- enjoying each other’s company with no “label” on what it is? Do you want a commitment from him (or whoever you end up with)? Know what you want and what your boundaries and limitations are before having this discussion with him.
Good luck, LauraHi Jennifer,
It sounds like this experience has been very painful yet eye-opening for you. You’ve learned some valuable things about yourself through this relationship even though it was brief. It takes courage to admit your weaknesses. It sounds like you’ve tried hard to re-engage him with little response from him. My guess is that because he felt you shutting down, he shut down as well. You can only open up to someone so much if you aren’t getting an open, emotional response in return. At this point, you’ve already apologized to him so the next step may be to try explaining some of what you said just here- that you didn’t know how to help and felt awkward because of that. Then let him know that you think he’s amazing and if he ever wants to meet up again you’d like that. If he still doesn’t respond then you will need to decide how much more time and energy you want to put into trying to get him back. It was short relationship but you learned some important things about yourself that you can work on to make you even better for yourself and for the relationship you’re in.
Good luck, LauraHi Na-Shuang,
It sounds like you’ve got a good grip on how men feel and what they need in this area. An easy first step to connecting with this man you’re interested in and supporting his career is to simply ask about how his trip went, does he like traveling and what does he like/not like about that aspect of his job, etc. Overall, when you are thinking about how to show that you care about this man’s job, think about how you could develop a deeper understanding of the nature of his job and also his experience of his job. Find out what draws him to that line work, how he feels about job, how that job affects his personal life, and how his job reflects his strengths and his character. Look for the emotional connection he has to his job and/or coworkers/clients. Don’t just ask a bunch of questions but show you’re really interested and paying attention by practicing active listening. I’m including a link with tips on being a more active listener: Become a Better Listener.Hi Janette,
Going off of his recent comment is a great idea to opening up the lines of communication on this issues. Perhaps while your in FL, you can teasingly suggest house hunting or comment on how you would love to live in X area. See if he bites on any of it. Have a fabulous weekend together!Hi Janette,
It sounds like you two have built a beautiful relationship and definitely enjoy being together. I can see why marriage would seem like the logical next step for you. Given his history of divorce and then 3 broken engagements in the last 16 years, I can also see why he might be hesitant to go there again despite how much he loves you and saying he wants to retire together. I think you’ll have to be sensitive to what makes him hold back in this area and give him some time before pushing for marriage. On the other hand, with him already starting the process of retiring, plans for retirement and potentially moving to FL together could get started. He may be waiting until he is fully retired to start making an official, solid plans though. I think you could get the idea in his head by having discussions about where you’d want to live, what you each expect retirement to look like in FL, etc. When he brings up the idea again, you could simply say, “I really love that idea. How serious are you about it?” and open the conversation to more detailed planning that way. From ,you can talk about how doing something like this would be a major decision and you’d like to be certain what his level of commitment is before making such a decision. This allows the conversation to flow into a discussion of the possibility of marriage. And, just to play devil’s advocate, if he is not interested in attempting marriage again, you may want to think about if you’re ok with that. Are you ok with moving away with him, living with him, maybe buying a house with him if you aren’t going to get married ever? This is something to consider before having a talk with him about marriage. Hopefully it doesn’t come down to this but it’s best to be prepared and to know your own stance on the matter ahead of time.
Good luck, LauraHi Okafor,
It must be very difficult for you to see those messages on his phone when he tells you that he can’t message you. The first thing I would suggest is asking him to stop chatting with and messaging this other woman. If you can, explore with him what he is getting out of talking with this woman and that he is willing to work on your relationship. Then I suggest focusing on the positives of him and your relationship right now. You want to be able to strengthen the relationship and increase the positive interactions between the two of you. Notice the good things he does and the things you appreciate about him and let him know that you appreciate those things. Try to make plans to have fun together and try new things. This helps build the connection and create new memories. Follow the Respect Principle found on this site.However, if he is saying things like you can’t do anything right, putting you down, or treating you poorly then you may want to consider if you want to stay in this relationship. Remember that you deserve to be treated well by whoever you’re with.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Denese,
It sounds like over the past 7 years or so you have been able to form a strong foundational relationship with this man. He views you as a friend and confidante. In this situation, so far he’s sought you out for comfort but if/when he comes to visit there may be a different vibe. I think you may have to go with the flow. He might want support for what he’s going through but he might want more. I would not recommend you proposing anything or making a move because that may be interpreted disrespect for his situation and being dismissive of his pain. Let him take the lead in setting the tone for the visit, if the visit ends up happening. The visit does however give you an opportunity to boost his self-esteem and remind him of what’s great and special about him. Use this time to show off your loving, nurturing side but take his lead as to whether to try for something romantic.
Good luck, LauraHi Angeli,
This must be a very difficult situation for you. I can tell you are dedicated to trying to make the marriage work. Have you asked him directly if he is in love with the other girl? It seems that he is meeting an emotional need by still communicating with this girl. I think the first step would be to ask him if he is willing to stop contacting her in order to give your relationship a chance. He needs to be willing to put his energy into your relationship for a while if you hope for improvements. Start implementing the Respect Principle from the guide “What Men Secretly Want” to help change the way the two of you communicate. Think back to what you did early in the relationship that helped bring you closer and attracted him to you and recreate those things.However, I think it is important to let you know that if he continues to not treat you with respect then you may have to make a decision about whether to stay or go. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly and have the right to set boundaries on how you want to be treated.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Natasha,
I applaud you for owning your part in the current state of the relationship and having the courage to make changes in yourself both for you and for the relationship. If you still have respect for each other, I believe it is possible to get that spark and connection back. He is hurt, which is understandable, and he’s showing that hurt through the cold, resentful behavior. Read the guide “What Men Secretly Want” if you haven’t already done that and start implementing the Respect Principle into all of your interactions- even when he is being cold and angry. I suggest first talking to him about how you realize you haven’t been supportive and have hurt him. Acknowledge the pain he is in. Then see if he is willing to try to “redo” the relationship. Give yourselves a time frame (6, 9, 12 months?) and suggest that during that time you both put in your best effort to see if you can be happy together and at the end you’ll make a decision together about what to do with the relationship. During that trial period, go back to “dating”. Make an effort to spend time away from the kids and try to avoid talk of the kids when it’s just the two of you. Use the power of touch, which releases oxytocin-the so-called “love” hormone responsible for bonding and attachment. Find both small and big ways to touch him, especially skin-to-skin. Hold his hand, cuddle with him on the couch, run your fingers through his hair, give him a back/shoulder rub, or let your hand graze his shoulder or back as you pass by him. Also, take time daily for just the two of you. Even if it means just sitting together and talking for 15 minutes after the kids are in bed. Divorce is a big decision and not one to be taken lightly. You’ll want to feel certain that you’ve exhausted everything before resorting to divorce. And if he is says he is staying for the house and the kids then he may be willing to try to improve things so that he can live happily with his kids and house and wife.I did see your other post about this as well but will leave that open for a while in case others have some feedback for you.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Jacquie,
There’s no right or wrong in this situation. If only it were that simple! The two of you have a long history together and no doubt have had your share of both good and bad times. You have to do what intuitively feels right for you. Be sure to differentiate between what is truly best for you vs what you is the “right” choice vs what he wants.You’ve made a good start by beginning to understand your contribution to the relationship troubles (which doesn’t excuse his contribution). I would suggest though that you think about the strengths that each of you have that enabled you to get through tough times in the past. What reserves can you pull from now to help you through this period? Again trust your instincts when figuring out what to do.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Jacquie,
This must be an incredibly hard position to be right now. I applaud you for being proactive and taking steps to make things better for yourself and the relationship. You’ve seen where you’ve made mistakes and are motivated to make improvements. It took great courage for you to approach his female friend and ask her to step back while you two work through things. I think what you need to do though is go directly to your husband and ask him to not go to her while you try to work things out. She has no control over him coming to her and as a friend (or as more than a friend if that is her ulterior motive) she’s not going to turn him away. He can make a choice to seek out other people though when he needs to talk about the relationship. I feel he is the one you need to address this with. Talk with him about how you feel when he goes to her with your relationship problems using the format, “When you…I feel…because…I would like if….” This format can help lower his defenses because the primary focus is your emotions rather than his behavior and it gives you an opportunity to explain yourself and make a suggestion for what you think would help which gives him something concrete to do.Since you read “What Men Secretly Want” you can now implement the respect principle into your interactions with your husband. This starts changing the dynamic between you in a subtle yet powerful way. Take the steps needed to get yourself physically and emotionally healthy. Regardless of what happens, it will be an investment in yourself.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Fung
How disappointing that you liked this guy enough and were brave enough to take the risk of flying across the country to meet him and then he changed his mind and stopped contact. The thing with these situations is that it’s tough to give you a “try this” when you don’t get a response. What I suggest is thinking back to what attracted you to him and him to you at the start. What grabbed you about his profile and drew you in? What about you or your profile attracted him to you? What did you talk about initially? What do you know about him that you can use to open the conversation?Play up those strengths in your calls/texts/emails with him. Also, be sure to give him a little more than “hey, how are you?” Think of an intriguing question to ask that piques his interest and kind of requires a response from him. Send him something playful or funny. Think of the texts, calls, or emails as if you were having an actual face-to-face conversation with him. What you would say to start a conversation if he walked up to you right now?While you can continue to try to get his attention, you also need to set a boundary for yourself. How far are you willing to go? How long are you willing to try (especially if you continue to not get a response from him)? Trying too hard can come off as needy and desperate. So, in your mind, set a limit on how much time and energy you are willing to spend on this. Are you willing to try 3 more times? Once a week for another month? What’s your limit? Set it and stick to it. Knowing in your mind what your limit is will make it easier to move on if that’s what it comes down to.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Angie,
It sounds like you were able to develop a beautiful, deep intimacy with this man so I wonder what he believes he can’t give you? Were the two of you talking about marriage? Is this something that you want and if so what do you feel marriage will specifically do for you that simply being in a committed relationship won’t? It sounds as if he has some fears related to marriage (and/or commitment) and those fears will need to slowly be addressed. These things need to move at the pace of the least comfortable person- so it needs to move at his slower pace. The good news is that he still calls to check in and talk on a regular basis so working things back up to where they were is possible. Because you are not in the same city, I recommend trying to do some video calls through Skype or FaceTime or a similar video call service. Are you close enough to visit each other? If so, try suggesting meeting up to help increase the connection you have. You might also want to think about how you created and built the intimacy between you at the beginning of the relationship. What were you doing differently then vs now? How can you change what you’re doing now to be more in alignment with what worked to create the attraction with him initially? Work on staying in the present with him. Implement the Respect Principle to give the relationship that added boost and to continue to build a strong foundation for a relationship.
Good luck, LauraHi Katharine,
This sounds like a very upsetting time for your son who is essentially mourning the loss of his father (even though it is a temporary loss) and your family as a whole. I would suggest having some extra patience with your son during this adjustment period. You and your partner need to talk about not taking the things your son does personally and maybe even your partner taking a step back from any disciplining or instruction of your son for a while. Know that when your son is acting out in anger (depression, misery, etc) that it’s more of a call for help. Sit and talk with him about his feelings about his dad and living with you full time rather than focusing solely on the incident that happened to trigger his anger. Perhaps finding another male to be a mentor for you son will be helpful (Big Brothers/Big Sisters?). I also recommend that you get some counseling for your son and the family so that your son can work through his anger and sadness about his father and the family can work on growing closer and more supportive of each other. It’s a tough situation for everyone involved but the strong foundation you’ve created over the past 4 years will help your family get through it.
Good luck, LauraHi Stacy,
It sounds like the two of you were able to create a strong connection rather quickly which is great. However, even though it was intense at first this relationship is so new that you are both still getting to know each other. You don’t yet fully know how the other reacts to stress or rough times. Him saying he needs time to clear his head may have had nothing to do with you. Be patient and give him some space and time. Reach out with some occasional, positive, light-hearted texts. A few days is nothing to worry about. Hang in there!
Laura
