[Laura F]

Hi,
That’s a tough response to get from someone. The 12 word text helps to get a guy’s attention and trigger his desire to help. When you’ve been in a relationship, feelings don’t just turn off automatically, so that is likely why he responded initially. When he responded he couldn’t talk it may have been more helpful to acknowledge that he’s busy and you appreciate that he took the time to respond/help you and then suggest catching up some other time. Asking him what he would do if he was in your shoes sounds like it raised his defenses instead of opening him to a conversation. I think for now you may need to respect his request for space. Wait a few weeks and reach out again either using a variation of the 12 word text or just asking how things have been going for him. Because he asked you not to text him again, prepare yourself in case you don’t get a response or get another curt response like you got this time. Only try a couple of times and if he doesn’t respond then you have no choice but to let it be. I know it’s painful but the more you push someone who says they don’t want something, the harder they will push back. In the end though, regardless of what happens, things will work out the way they were meant to.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Roberta,
It sounds like you’ve grown a lot since the two of you broke up and that you’ve taken a good, hard look at your contribution to things going wrong. I love that you’ve stepped up and made changes within yourself to improve yourself and, potentially, the relationship. As for the morning when he came and cleared snow for you, it does sound like him acknowledging that he would get an attitude back with you was a concession. It’s admitting he had a role in things vs just letting you take all the blame.

Overall, it seems that he is making choices that show his responsibility and care for you. After this long, if he completely didn’t care or didn’t feel responsible for your well-being and happiness he would have stopped paying for things, would let you did yourself out of the snow, etc. I think that you could have added to your expression of appreciation by letting him know how it made you feel when he shoveled for you. Doing so would have stepped up your “thank you” to an encouragement and invitation to do something similar in the future because it makes you happy and makes you feel loved and cared about.

You could also use “invitations” in a more traditional way. For example, if you are texting or calling at the beginning of the week, let him know you would love to talk with him later in the week when you have more time or after X happens so you can find out how it went. This will hopefully lead to him following through and contacting you again. You may also want to consider what you could do for him. You mentioned that his godmother is sick and needs extra care but he’s not always available so perhaps you could ask if it would be ok for you to go visit her or bring her a meal, do some shopping/cleaning for her. I think it will be important that while you are showing him through your actions that you don’t behave the same anymore, you can also do for him because you care about him and not just what he can do for you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Maria,
I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling these past few weeks since the break up. Let me start with your technical issues first. If you are able to log on to the site you can go to “community” and the to “forums”. If you are having difficulty even logging on, there is sometimes a “help” window that pops up or you can call 1-800-755-4364 for support assistance.

Now, on to your question. It sounds as if your boyfriend has been pretty clear that he no longer wants a relationship. Whether it’s because of your kids or not, he has stated he is not IN love with you. I think it is important to listen when people talk and believe what they tell us in situations like this. You believe he still loves you but do you believe him when he says he is not IN LOVE with you? You deserve to be with someone who both loves and is in love with you. If he isn’t both, do you want to be with him?

I think because he has been so adamant about the relationship being over and, as you said, doesn’t even want to hear the word “relationship”, you best bet is to back off for a while. Give him some space and time to miss you. Then, once you can get into your account, look under “your products” and this is where the products you bought will be. Hopefully you purchased “His Secret Obsession”. In this you will information about the “hero instinct” in men. Use the 12 word text from the beginning of the program to help trigger his hero instinct and help build the sense of connection between you. Don’t use this all the time but you would be able to use it occasionally. I would also recommend reading the guide “What Men Secretly Want” which may help change the dynamics between you and create the spark that used to be there.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Andressa,
It sounds like he is a genuinely busy person and has to prioritize where he spends his time and energy. I agree with Kanya that if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t be calling. It seems less like a “how do I get him to like me” and more like “how can I support him through this difficult time when things are still so new” kind of situation.

With his kids, work, and school, I wouldn’t expect daily communication so early in the relationship. The man must be tired at the end of the day! Reach out to him periodically and keep things light, fun, and friendly. You may have to plan ahead to see each other rather than it being spontaneous if the relationship is going to move forward just because he has so much going on (and it sounds like you also have kids and work so I don’t mean to discount how busy you are as well). Don’t worry if communication is not constant right now.

If he had given you flowers, sure take a picture and send it to him with a short, sweet text thanking him for his thoughtfulness and telling him it brings a smile to your face when you see it. If you don’t hear from him for a day or two then send a quick text to see how his day has been and to try to start up a conversation. At this stage of the relationship, you’re both still trying to get to know each other so use this time to just find out more about him.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Karen,
I think Kanya had a typo. It’s probably John Gottman she is referring to and he is good. I like his “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” I will say though I have actually had a few men who have found this site and read through the material and found it helpful in their relationships with women. So, many of the concepts go both ways. I often refer men to coach Michelle Terrell who takes a holistic approach to men’s love lives and empowerment. She has online courses as well as direct coaching programs. I also like the work of Alison Armstrong for both men and women. If you look up her video clips, many feel like she is addressing couples, not just men or just women. Here is a list of books that I also find extremely beneficial:

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
The Mind Body Code by Mario Martinez
Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Conscious Loving by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson
Sex 3.0 by JJ Roberts

Those should keep your husband busy for a while 🙂

[Laura F]

Hi Mandy,
I’m sorry that somehow your question got overlooked for so long. (Thanks for the heads up about it Kimberly!). It sounds like your relationship with this man goes beyond the sexual relationships he has with these other women. You have been able to provide him with an emotionally intimate experience that he isn’t getting with these women. I sense that you are quite uncomfortable with him seeing these other women while you are with him. However he is continuing to say that he is not ready for a relationship at this time. He’s been single for a year after what sounds like a bad relationship. My guess is that he is enjoying having some freedom but he also may have some reservations about getting back into another committed relationship for fear of replaying his last relationship.

As I see it you have 2 main options. One is to stay with him and continue with things as they are until he eventually stops seeing these other women. If you choose this option, it may help to read up on the Respect Principle (from the guide “What Men Secretly Want”). The two things men want most from women are respect and acceptance. Implementing the Respect Principle will give you an edge over the other women he is seeing. Keep things fun, positive, warm, and nurturing when you are together. It may also help to read the book “Sex 3.0” by JJ Roberts. It discusses the evolution of relationships and how the concept of monogamous, lifelong relationships isn’t as realistically as it may have been hundreds of years ago and offers an alternative of “unfenced” relationship. If you choose to stay with him to see if he stops seeing these other women, it may help to keep in mind that his relationships with them don’t necessarily devalue or negate what he feels for you.

Your other option is to break things off until he is more ready to commit to just you. If you choose this option, you may want to have a talk with him beforehand about how his relationships with other women make you feel and what you would like from your relationship with him. Give him a chance to step up into the role you want him to be in. If he chooses not to then you can move on with your life knowing that you advocated for what you wanted and he just was not willing/able to meet your needs at this time in his life.

There is no right or wrong choice here. You have to go by what your intuition tells you. Tune into your intuition (if you need help with this the guide “Awakening Your Feminine Intuition” is terrific). Learn to listen to and follow your intuition. This is a choice that only you can make. It may help to remember that, regardless of what happens, things will work out the way they were meant to.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Rebekah,
Just for clarification, do you think it’s simply not a good idea right now to be involved with him at all or you don’t think it’s a good idea to keep things light and casual? When you have someone who has some insight like he does, you have to be careful to respect where he is in life. It’s unfair to expect him to be at a stage that he’s not (and with you reading Deida’s work, you likely understand that concept). However it’s also not fair to you to be with someone who can’t meet your needs. It’s nobody’s fault that the two of you have different needs and abilities at this point in time.

In general, my advice is that if he is just having trouble putting too much of himself into a relationship, that you keep things casual. Continue to talk and date when there is free time but without the expectation that all, or even most, of your free time will be spent together. He’s been very open and honest with you so another talk about how much “relationship” he can handle may be in order and that way you can gauge how much contact to have and what you will need to do in the rest of your life to get your other needs met. Stay busy with other friends, family, activities, etc. This allows him to enjoy your company without the pressure that he must do the whole relationship thing. The goal is to make yourself the person he gradually chooses to spend him time with above all others. In order to do that, you need to keep your life away from him fulfilling to you and be the loving, fun, bright person in his life. If you know you have some abandonment issues, work through those on your own. This seems like one of those “slow and steady wins the race” kind of situations. The more relaxed and low pressure you are, the more he will be able to relax in your presence and feel able to have you in his life without having to have you as his life.

Thanks for the recommendation of “Sacred Sexual Union”. I will have to add that to my reading list. Perhaps you could post about the book under the “Ideas/Inspirations” forum to share with everyone what you found most helpful about the book.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Jennifer,
I totally get the trust is broken and perhaps beyond repair considering how young the relationship was when this happened. You don’t have enough history to make up for this transgression or to know if this is an aberration on his part or just how he really is. How you want to respond is up to you. If you feel like staying friends with him just isn’t going to be possible after all of this then you don’t even have to respond to the text. If there is a part of you that thinks maybe in the future you could be friendly then just send a simple “Happy New Year to you too” type of text. There’s no right or wrong here. Trust your instincts.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Jennifer,
This must be extremely tough for you. Because of your situation- being in a foreign country and not knowing anyone else- I think you have to be straight forward with him. I don’t think his choices have anything to do with you. You had barely been there 48 hours and he started not following through. Point out to that you came to see him based on his invitation and while you understand he’s busy, you’ve hardly seen him because he will say he’s coming and then not show up. See how he responds to you confronting him on his choices. If he continues to make excuses and not follow through with coming to see you, then you have some choices to make. You can either start planning the rest of your activities while you’re here without him or potentially change your plans and go home early. It’s a bad situation to be in so all you can do is try to hold him accountable or make the best of your time here so that you’re trip isn’t completely ruined. Chalk this one up to a learning experience.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Christianne,
Great job trying something new to connect with him. Maybe the snafu with the call not going through did create an extra challenge but I think you can overcome it. If you are going to see him on Saturday, I think it will be appropriate to bring it up. You might not want to go into great detail but you could say something like “hey, I was hoping to get your help/advice on… when you get a chance. Maybe we can talk more about it tomorrow?” Things like phone calls not going through happen. He tried to contact you which is the important part. It shows he was intrigued enough and willing enough to offer his help. Don’t let the problem with him not being able to call stop you.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Rebekah,
It sounds like this guy was pretty straight forward with the fact that he was facing a lot of challenges when you met him and was not ready to go straight into another relationship. On the plus side, you two had an initial attraction that you can build off of now. I think you’re going to have to look at this relationship as being in slow-motion. Don’t expect anything major or any commitment right now (or any time in the near future). Are you still talking? I think the 12 word text (from the Intro of His Secret Obsession) would be helpful to engage him in a non-threatening, low pressure way. The curiosity phrases from that guide will also be helpful in this situation because it will help to create conversations with him. Overall, you’re going to want to keep things light and fun and slow things down. Look at this time as an opportunity to get to know each other better and develop a deeper emotional connection with him.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Mai,
Everyone likes to feel needed and wanted. It may be a matter of finding what type of request will spark that hero instinct for him. Someone who is not ambitious may have other hobbies/interests or like to help people in ways that simply don’t translate into advancement at work. Someone who is selfish or self-absorbed might respond well to something that makes him look like the expert or will make him look good in front of others. Someone who is truly narcissistic likes to be right, to the know they are the best/smartest. So while they already they are a “hero” in a sense, they also like opportunities to prove that to others.

Think about what you personally know about the man (whoever he may be)-his interests, his strengths- and ask for help in a way that can help him shine. For example, if your not ambitious guy is someone from work and you know he is a techie, maybe you ask him for help with something on the computer or your phone. Or maybe you know he likes to travel so you ask for his input on a trip your planning. However, if you know that someone is self-absorbed, selfish, or narcissistic, they may not be the best person to try to get into a relationship with. A relationship with that type of person is typical pretty challenging and frustrating.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Shanna,
I think you have the right idea to follow your intuition and wait until after the holidays to reach out to him again, especially since you acknowledged he is likely out of town and busy with family. Email is a good option if he has blocked you. Perhaps you can turn that 12 word text into an 12 word email and see how he responds? Keep us updated on how it works!
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Connie,
That must have been quite a shock when he told you he wanted to end things for this other person. Although it seemed out of the blue, I can’t help but wonder what lead up to this decision? I think there may need to be a discussion about what happened so that you have a better understanding of where you stand and what to do from here. My guess is that after 6 years it’s not just the distance and wanting easier access to sex. As hurt and confused as you must be right now, it will be important to stay calm when you talk with him. Hear him out about the underlying reasons why he is turning to this other woman at this point. When you talk try to notice the things he mentions that you could have some control or influence over. For example, it he talks about not being able to see each other enough, is it possible for you to make more of an effort to visit. There are just so many potential factors in this situation that it’s tough to give specific advice. If he feels the connection you once had just isn’t as strong now, can you talk more, open up more about your feelings, do more of the things that attracted him to you in the first place? I know this is really hard but have faith that things will work out the way they were meant to.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Teresa,
I applaud you for recognizing your own actions that have contributed to how things are between you and your ex. And most importantly, you’re ready and willing to make a change. I agree that because you are still in the house, you have more of an opportunity to show him the changes you’re making rather than just telling him what will be different. The text you sent was an excellent start to trying to open him up. I would also recommend implementing the Respect Principle. The two things men want most from women are respect and acceptance. It sounds like the way you used to act corroded the respect in the relationship and rebuilding that will be a huge part in demonstrating the changes you’re making. If you haven’t read the guide “What Men Secretly Want” I suggest you go read it (or re-read it) because this is the guide that explains the Respect Principle. Implement the Respect Principle into all of your interactions with him until it becomes just the way you are with him. You can also start doing some things to nurture and care for him- make his favorite meal, serve him or clear his plate at dinner, pick up something just for him when you go grocery shopping (his favorite gum or candy or cookies), etc. Compliment him and acknowledge/praise what he does whether its around the house or something specifically for you. Because you’re still in the house with him, actions will speak louder than words so start behaving the way you would have wanted to (and the way you would have wanted him to treat you). This time still in the house is a definite advantage so use this time well to show him (not tell him) how dedicated you are to making those changes in your life.
Good luck, Laura

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