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Hi Viv,
I’m going to give some input and if Kanya has something to add she probably will. Let me see if I can address your questions in order.1) I agree with what Kanya had said before that he may be getting a bit nervous about the visit as well and isn’t sure how you will respond to him so he’s backing off. When he comes, try not to think about this visit being a pass-fail test for you. Keep the focus on just getting to know each other better and having fun. If you focus on fun and not turning the visit into a relationship then he’ll pick up on your light-heartedness and warmth and fun.
2) If people ask if he’s your boyfriend, I would recommend responding with a simple “He’s my dear friend.” Perhaps just introducing him with his name and no title will help prevent people from asking the relationship (i.e, “Sue, I’d like you to meet Brad. He came all the way from X for this training.”)
3) You may not know if he’s interested in a relationship or if you’re actually interested in a relationship until he visits. Use the time before the visit to get clear on what you would want to know and learn about him in order to make a decision about whether you would want to be in a relationship with him. Again, you want to focus on just enjoying your time together. I would avoid talking about relationships unless he brings it up first. Think casual, fun, and warm.
4) I get wanting to look good for him. The reality is you’re going to look how you look. Crash dieting to lose some weight before he comes won’t make that much of a difference. If he doesn’t like you because of a little extra weight, he’s not someone worth you’re time and energy anyway. Wear what makes you feel comfortable. Dress for yourself instead of to impress him. If you feel comfortable and like what you’re wearing, you’ll be less self-conscious and more relaxed and it will make it easier for you to just be in the moment with him rather than worrying about if he can see your belly roll.
Keep in mind even if the visit goes horribly, it’s not the end of the world. There will always been another guy. And, it’s not a reflection of you if it doesn’t go well. It just means it didn’t go well and you didn’t mesh the way you thought you would. There is no fault or blame to be had.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Jan,
I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling more comfortable and in control. That’s what it’s really all about. When you’re confident, that will show to everyone around you and draw the right people to you!Yes, give it a few weeks at least before reaching out to him again unless he reaches out first. Keep yourself busy to help keep your mind off of him.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Svetlana
How you feel is how you feel. It’s not a matter of fair or not fair. It just IS. When I read through what you just wrote though, it sounds as if you’ve been clear with him about what you want (to move with him) but he hasn’t asked you to do that yet so you’re waiting to see if he does. Let me ask you, in your mind, what’s the difference between being with him while you wait for him to take the lead and make the decision to ask you to move with him and just being in this relationship which has now become a long distance relationship? It may sound like I’m nitpicking but you’re saying you’re not strong enough to do LDR but you ARE doing LDR as we speak. It may be tough but you haven’t fallen apart these past few weeks since he moved and started this job, right. You may be stronger than you think.It you truly believe there is no way you can continue in this relationship if it is long distance, then you do have the option of ending it yourself. I know ideally that’s not what you want but you don’t have to sit and wait for him to choose your fate. You can choose your future for yourself.
Again, it seems to just come down to how long are you willing to wait for him to ask you to move in with him (which puts you in that long distance relationship until he makes a decision). So, how long will you wait? What’s the time frame? Know that for yourself and stick to it.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Coleen,
I think sending a sexy pic every once is a while would be a nice addition to regular texts, calls, and Skype/FaceTime. I wouldn’t set a schedule for how often to do it but let it come naturally- maybe after a particularly flirtatious call or if you are just missing him a little more than usual or if you pick up something new and want to just tease him and entice him to hurry back. I get the sense that you’re trying to plan your spontaneity so that you keep him interested but don’t forget to leave room for real spontaneity and to just allow things to occur naturally.Good luck, Laura
Hi Minh,
His life goals and expectations of a partner are the big stumbling block here. There may be that mutual attraction but if he is intend on finding someone who wants to have kids, it is quite possible that even if there is some sort of relationship, it won’t become too serious or lead to marriage. You may eventually end up frustrated that he doesn’t take things to the next level even though the logical part you knew going into it what he wanted.I think at this point you may have to do what is best for you emotionally. Knowing that he has his mind set on a younger women to have kids with and knowing that’s something that is not likely to change, is that a situation you want to get further involved in?
It sounds like you two have developed a trusting friendship (although you also have romantic feelings for him) so you don’t need to abandon the relationship altogether. You may want to consider how to maintain a friendship without allowing the romantic feelings to get too out of control. Do you think it’s even possible to be just friends with him given the feelings you have? Would that be easier to do if you backed off and didn’t have as much contact with him for a while?
It doesn’t necessarily have to be an either-or, all-or-nothing situation. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself about your feelings and the situation. Know what you can handle and what you want. Trust your instincts rather than trying to convince yourself that things are the way you want them to be.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Svetlana,
I know you asked for Kanya’s opinion and hopefully she’ll hop on and let you know what she thinks too but I’m going to offer my input and you can see how it fits for you.When deciding something like how long to wait to see if things are going somewhere, I suggest thinking about this by yourself first and coming up with an amount of time that you think you would be comfortable waiting or a time to re-evaluate if the relationship is meeting your needs. It is hard to maintain LDR indefinitely so knowing there is an end point can make it more bearable. So, let’s say you think you can give it 3 months to see how things play out? Mentally give yourself and the relationship that time to adjust to the new situation. It gives him time to get settled in and know what the expectations are for his job, and for both of you to get into a new routine when it comes to calls, texts, and visits. Maybe each of you makes a trip to visit the other 1 weekend per month so that you’re seeing each other 2 weekends per month but neither one is solely responsible for the traveling. If you can give something like that a few months and see how it feels, you may then have a better idea of how long you can sustain living like that.
Maybe you find that 3 month trial phase was just too hard. Now you know that you have to have a talk about what to do with the relationship. This may mean letting him know what your observations over the past couple of months have been and how you feel about and see if there are compromises to be made or different ways to negotiate the challenges. However, maybe you find that you like having some weekend time to do what you want and focus on yourself.
It will take honest consideration of your own needs and emotions and being able to communicate that to your man. Set a mental time frame first and then talk to him towards the end of that time to discuss what to do based on your feelings after having given things a try.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Coleen
It must be terribly difficult since your husband’s death after being together for so long. Playing the field is up to you. Because he has gone and it sounded like there was a conversation about seeing other people (at least to get sexual needs met) I would say if you meet someone you’re interested in then go ahead. Or continue talking to these other guys who message you if it meets your needs (gives you a sense of companionship or is just fun). However, I don’t think you need to let him know that you’re doing so unless or until there is a conversation that comes up about exclusivity. Then you could mention that you have been casually texting a few guys but they really aren’t people you’re interested in and you much prefer his company. If the idea of talking with these guys without him knowing makes you uncomfortable, you could bring up “hey, I know we talked about having sex with others while we’re apart if that’s something we feel like we need or want to do but I was curious what your thoughts were on messaging other people? To be honest, I’ve been casually messaging with a few people but it’s more just friendly than romantic and I’m not sure what to do about that now because I really like you but we are apart for the next few months and are trying to take things slow.” If you can leave it open-ended, it gives him more space to respond with what he thinks or feels.There are no hard and fast rules to anything. My answer to most questions is “it depends”. There is so much variability to take into account that there isn’t one set of rules that fits everyone in every situation. Learning to tune into your intuition and trust it will be your most valuable tool. The “Awakening Your Feminine Intuition” guide is terrific for teaching you how to find and start listening to and trusting your intuition and might be a good read to help keep you busy these next few days.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Coleen,
Yes, you’ve got the right idea…wait a few more days before reaching out. Give him that time to settle in and to notice that you haven’t reached out and that he misses you. Like Svetlana mentioned, it gives him the opportunity to step up and take the lead in the relationship. I know it’s hard when you are used to talking to him and simply miss him but hold out until at least Sunday. I love how you are trying to incorporate appreciation texts but be sure to 1) not over use them and 2) allow them to come from genuine moments of appreciation. Let’s say he calls before you resort to texting him. Follow up the call with an appreciation text. If you are the one who reaches out first, I would say keep it simple and check to see how his flight went and if he’s settled in yet, etc. If he responds then you add the part about missing him that Svetlana suggested.In the meantime, keep yourself occupied. Make plans with friends, busy yourself with work or a hobby, or start a task that you’ve been putting off. You might want to directly check out the work of Alison Armstrong. Some of the materials on this site are based on her work, but it may be helpful to hear it straight from her. She has spent a few decades researching the differences between men and women and coaching couples in relationships. You can find some of her video clips on YouTube.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Cynthia,
It can be super frustrating when you feel like you’ve done a ton of work and you’re trying your hardest and still don’t see the results that you want to see. The thing to remember is that we can’t control other’s responses. Others are going to react or respond from a place of their own issues and history and we have no control over that. The right guy who is in the right frame of mind though will be the one who responds the way you’d like him to. He’s the one that will be worth your time and effort.It’s great that you have been so invested in doing your own self-improvement work. The key to make sure any work you do is done for you…not for someone else, not for a relationship, not because the worth of the work is dependent on the outcome. It is an investment in yourself. There is always worth in that! The right guy will be able to appreciate you for who you are and will willingly put in the same amount of energy into the relationship.
Each relationship is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Some even consider this to be the primary reason for being in a relationship (check out “The Future of Love” by Daphne Rose Kingma). It’s all a learning experience. And trust me, those 16 yr olds aren’t having better relationships; they’re having less mature and less conscious relationships. It’s tougher having conscious, mature, adult relationships. Keep working on you and the right guy will come along.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Maria,
I can see that you have put a lot of thought into this situation and into what you need and want from a relationship. I think you’re on the right track with being upfront about your needs and priorities and how if he is unable (or unwilling) to put in his all, then the relationship just isn’t going to work on your end. You need him to be in all in or all out because you don’t have time and energy to spend on someone who is on the fence. It is completely fair to lay all of that out for him. The next thing is that you would have to stick to the boundaries that you’re trying to set up with him. So, let’s say he says he wants to be all in with you when you have the talk but his actions continue as they have and seem to indicate he’s not really all in, do you have to strength to enforce your boundaries? And what would that realistically look like? Would you not have any contact with him at all? Not even as friends? Could you remain friends? Would you be emotionally setting him aside for if/when he comes around and decides to be all in?Of course, the hope is that he realizes “wow, she’s serious about this and I like her so I’m going to do what it takes.” But the reality is that it may not go that way. He may tell you that he doesn’t have the time or energy to commit to someone right now, especially someone so far away. So, mentally prepare yourself for how you might respond to this so that you aren’t caught off guard in the moment and can respond rationally rather than react emotionally.
Good luck, Laura
Svetlana,
Thank you for adding your experience here. Knowing that others have experienced something similar (re: the guy from Cambodia) can help validate your own feelings. It can help you to feel like you’re not the crazy one for thinking something is off or wrong. I’m going to assume this is true for Colleen though she can certainly speak for herself!Colleen,
In addition to calls and messages, I suggest trying to add some video calls via Skype or FaceTime so that you can maintain some sense of intimacy though seeing as well as hearing each other. This can help continue the connection. Knowing that he is “bad” at LDR, you could suggest a “date night” every once in a while. Not too often because it’s still early in the relationship but every couple of weeks have a date night via Skype/FaceTime. The good news is he may be more able to do LDR because it’s time limited right now. He knows in October he wants to go back. Knowing that it’s only long distance for a certain amount of time can help…it doesn’t feel like it’s dragging on or that it will be long distance indefinitely. You know that should both of you decide you want this to form into a full-blown, committed relationship you can make being separated for a few months here and there work.Good luck, Laura
Hi June,
This must be an extremely confusing and hurtful time for you and your family. It was incredibly understanding of you to give him space to write his memoir and to still be willing to work things out with him after finding out about the affair.As scary as it might be to consider a life without him, you may want to plan how much you are willing to deal with and what you won’t be able to deal with. What do you need from him in order to be willing to take him back and work things out? Know your boundaries and act accordingly. It sounds like you have the support of your children if things don’t work out and while it will be challenging and frightening, you have to do what ultimately is in your best interest.
You might also want to consider checking out the guide “The Relationship Rewrite Method”. This can help repair missteps, improve communication, and bring you closer together. It outlines 6 steps that help repair the relationship though you may find that some, like the first one about rekindling contact, may not apply whereas you may have to spend extra time on other steps. Read the guide a few times. At the first time to just take it all in and then at least one more time to start to think about how to apply the steps to your specific situation. I can’t help but think that there is still attraction and attachment since he is in touch almost daily.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Maria,
Let me make sure that I understand correctly. You met this guy, had chemistry and spent the night together but he had already told you that he didn’t want a commitment. After the night you spent together he told you that he is in a relationship. Then he realizes he lost a ring at your place.It is odd that somehow he lost the ring but I have no way of really knowing what his intention was. I think what’s more important than what he is thinking about you is what you are thinking about him. Since you found out that he is in a relationship, would you want to continue anything with him? If not, it doesn’t really matter what he saw you as or if he intentionally left the ring behind. You can return the ring and move on. If you’re tempted to continue something with him, I would caution you that if he was willing to cheat on his current girlfriend, it is likely he would do the same to you as well. Finding out early about him being in a relationship with someone else may have saved you a lot of trouble.
Chalk this one up to a learning experience.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Colleen,
I’m glad to hear that the Canadian guy followed up with the phone call and seems open to continuing the relationship in October. This gives you both a chance to learn even more about each other. Continue with the “text the romance” program.As for the guy online who is supposedly working in Cambodia, I think you are right to be a bit wary. I agree with you that him saying he loves you is a bit much this soon. Listen to your gut instincts on this one. And, if you’re just more interested in the guy in Canada focus on fostering that relationship rather than splitting your time and energy if he is who you would rather be with.
Good luck, Laura
