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Hi Isotta, Well that is a great question. You can certainly mention that you are looking for someone tall, dark, and handsome (That is an American phrase). The things is, even if you put it out there, guys who are interested in you who are shorter will message you if they are interested. You will need to look at their heightened determine if you are interested in pursuing anything.
To what degree will the height thing limit the number of guys that fit your height preference?
Kanya
Hi Sophie, I would continue to take a step back and give him space. It is nice that he is contacting you more but this man has a habit of coming and going in and out of your life. When he is feeling happy he is around, when he is feeling overwhelmed or down on himself he withdraws That is a really difficult pattern to navigate. I can hear in your words that you want things to get back on track quickly but I don’t hear anything that is suggesting that. He may be sending short messages more often but I would expect that he will continue to get close and pull away until he figures out what he really wants and can make that a priority. I’m sorry as I sense that is not what you are hoping to hear but I want to be straight with you. Some people commit and nothing gets in the way for them. For this man, he commits and when difficulties arise he tends to disconnect. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi, It really sounds like you have been dealing with a lot for the past few years. I hope that as the divorce becomes final things will start to become more easy and manageable for you. It sounds like you and your friend have an amazing connection. i’m glad that the two of you had that experience. Given that so much was good between the two, I’m wondering why he thought he needed to take care of you and your kids? Was there things in particular that were happening that perhaps felt overwhelming to him in some way? Can you think back o what was happening leading up to him ending the relationship?
I’m also curious about the families history that had been negative enough for him to want to end things. WAs it something that he thought would have a negative impact on the families if the two of you moved forward? I’d love to her more when you have a moment so that I can more fully understand the situation. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, Thanks for sharing more information. So, the two of you have a lot going on and it seems that things may have been off balance for the two of you for some time. My guess is that he doesn’t feel respected and that is what makes him feel like there is no hope/ Also, having such a huge weight loss can affect us in many different ways. Heidi asked if you though perhaps his weight loss is igniting a need for him to expand and change his life in new ays. Have you considered this as well? Do you think that this is art of what is happening?
It sounds as though the two of you have really full and busy lives. If you look at the situation realistically, what would need to change on both ends to make things work again?
Kanya
Hi Kathy, Well. given the signals it does seem likely that he has more than friendly feelings for you. The things is, until you are divorced, getting involved with someone at this time can and will get complicated. If you were able to just relax and enjoy your time together, do you think you could be friends until you are truly ready for more?
It sounds like that might be a possibility for you until you start to question things and look for an explanation or answer on this subject. Given that you have only beed separated for 2 months it is clearly too soon to enter into something new. Have you and your friend talked about this?
Kanya
Hi Ruth, I am so sorry that things have ended between the two of you. That must be really difficult. I’m glad the two of you had the chance to talk 8 weeks ago. It sounds like it may have been cathartic for both or you!
You share that you will do anything to get him back. Are you willing to accept him as he is? TO me, trying to change him back to the way he was is an impossibility. Yes, he would be attentive at times but he also was not able to give you hat you needed. I encourage you to trust yourself on this. If you want a commitment, you will continue to be frustrated if you are with a man that can not give you that more traditional type of relationship. The two of you would continue to argue and fight over this as it is difficult to compromise on such a things.
I want to caution you especially since he talked about your ‘dangerous’ behavior. That is something that you need to look at. Often we become desperate when we want something that someone cannot give us. If we keep trying to get it from that person we can start to feel a little crazy and often do things that feel crazy. When anyone starts to feel this way it is time to step back and explore what is going on. If this was a person that could give you what you wanted then he would have done it by now. He isn’t that person. That type of commitment just doesn’t work for him. The truth is, it doesn’t work for many people. What is it in you that stayed with a man who couldn’t give you something that was so important to you? Many people will talk about love, a connection, etc. The thing is, love and connection are just one part of what needs to be present for a relationship to work.
Just as important is having a common vision for what you both ant in a relationship. If you don’t have that, no amount of love will make things work. I know that can be terribly disappointing. I was married to someone I loved deeply but our vision for a relationship was so different that we both were in a lot of emotional pain. Neither one of us was in the type of relationship we wanted. No matter how hard we tried, certain things were never going to change. That is difficult to accept and my heart goes out to you!
Please, be honest with yourself about what is possible. Can you change yourself to be okay with him just as he is? If not, my sense is that reconnecting with him will lead you back to the same place of pain. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Isotta, I love hearing more about your journey! I am so sorry to hear that you were bullied as a child. That can leave such a mark on a persons self esteem and confidence. It is great that you have worked through that and gotten to the place where you can be seen and loved! I can appreciate that you are still figuring out what you want with this guy. Given that the two of you have only seem each other 4x and you put it out there that you wanted something casual, why not focus on enjoying your time together for now?
You are learning so much that you can now bring to the table. Just be yourself, share your natural enthusiasm, and keep trying new techniques to see what works! You clearly have his attention so let’s see if you can keep building on that one piece at a time!
Kanya
Hi Ana, What I was referring to was the fact that the two of you haven’t spent a lot of time together. You haven’t lived close enough to just do day to day life with one and other. As a result, it is difficult to know what the relationship would be like of you lived in the same city.
I’m glad you are trying to figure this out! You said something at the end of your message that is important to look at; “how to make him a text that makes him realize that.” It is important to realize that there isn’t going to be one text that makes him realize that. What it will take is showing him over time who you are and how you care for him. I would be infrequent with texts and for now I would not talk about the relationship. Just check in once in a while. Share a compliment or ignite his hero instinct when you do text him. Allow the two of you to build a friendship and build emotional trust with each other again. I’m glad to hear that you are going to read the articles on this site. I think you will enjoy them and learn a lot!
Kanya
Hi Sophie, You sound very clear about your decision-well done! You’re starting to strategize in a more logical way which is an important step to take as you move forward! Do keep us posted and enjoy the holidays!!!
Kanya
Hi Isotta, I’m wondering what you think about what Heidi shared? On the one hand you shared that you aren’t looking for a relationship yet you seem to want this to grow into a relationship. Either option is fine but be careful about sending mixed signals to him or yourself.
In terms of men losing interest. In my experience, if you develop an emotional connection, not just a sexual one, men are more likely to bond and want t build something lasting. The concern I have with this person is that he is not initiating. My sense is he too is wanting something casual. Have you talked about what you both want? Is he open to something deeper or something more casual?
Kanya
Hi Sophia, I suggest you take Heidi’s suggestion at the test and just make a minor change.
“Listen, awhile ago I bought a plane ticket to XX and I’ve decided to use it because I don’t want it to go to waste. I plan on exploring all kinds of things I haven’t seen yet and I’m really excited about doing it. If you feel like catching up with lunch or something while I am there, let me know.”
You really can keep it that simple. No need to overthink it! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Rhea, That is a great question. Given what he has recently gone through he may not be ready for more. If it is comfort he is looking for at this point, do you get the sense that it could lead to more when he is ready? I’m curious, were the two of you dating before his brother died? Have you talked about him being ready for more at some point?
Kanya
Hi Ana, I can understand why it was too much for you. The two of you were still really getting to know each other and it was probably overwhelming to be spending so much time together. I remember when I was dating someone years ago and we decided to go on a long trip together. WE traveled for 3 weeks and it was just toooooo much. We didn’t get any alone time, no time to spend with family and friends to talk about what we were feeling and experiencing. As a result things kind of imploded. In hind sight we realized that traveling for 3 weeks wasn’t a reflection of what day to day life would be like. It was helpful to see that and a relief as well.
Have you checked out the Irresistible Insights page on this site? There are many amazing insight from James on all kinds of things including how to flirt! I think you would find many of the articles interesting.I suggest you read some and start to build your confidence! Take a look and let me know what you think.
Kanya
Hi Tracy, Wow, I can understand how frustrating this situation is for you. I am not aware of the 6 word text that you are referring to. Sometimes Be Irresistible does affiliate emails with information that we have no access to or information on. I’m sorry that I can’t answer that question for you.
It is common, when people start to learn about psychology, thatchy begin to see diagnosis in people. That can definitely be frustrating for the people around them. It sounds like that hs been happening for him. While that is common, sometimes there is a shred of truth in what people are seeing. So, I suggest you do some research on Personality Disorder and honestly assess what aspects he is seeing in you. We all have our imperfections and sometimes our partners need to see that we acknowledge that and are actively trying to work on things.
Let’s start with were you are. What level of communication do the two of you have at this time? Are you in the process of a divorce or just repeated at this time? Do you have any children?
Kanya
Hi Tammy, I am so sorry that he is MIA. I can understand why this is upsetting for you. One things I will say is that in the future, if someone says they want another chance, send more time with them and see if they can make the changes you are requesting. Sometimes people have the desire to change and do better but change can be slow and/or difficult.I wonder if it would have made more sense to wait to talk to him about how you were feeling versus sending him that text. For a guy who has a difficult time expressing his feelings my guess is he was pretty overwhelmed with what you were saying. That doesn’t mean that you would have come to a different conclusion but perhaps, in talking to him, you wouldn’t have felt to used if you could have heard his perspective.
I know that it can be really difficult to meet someone and even more difficult to meet someone that you feel a deep connection with. I encourage you not to give up. SO many women on this site were close to giving up when seemingly out of the blue they met a great guy! I wonder if you need to expand your search outside of on line prospects. Have you let family and friends know that you are open to meeting someone? They know you, know how amazing you are and what you would like. Perhaps using your current support network you could meet men that you would feel more of a connection with?
Kanya
