[Kanya D]

Emilie, Sending you and your grandma good vibes. Keep us posted!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Flora, Welcome to the forum. You must be so confused and devastated at this point. It makes sense that you are feeling many different emotions and I expect that will continue for awhile. It is important to honor the fact that you only found out about this a week ago. It is going to take time and processing to work through this. And, it is going to take him time to work through this as well. I know it is difficult to accept that given his choices but he is now forced to face his choices and how they are now affecting you and the relationship.

What do you know about the situation? When did it happen, who was the person, was there extenuating circumstances, etc. It seems like there is a lot for the two of you to talk about. It sounds as though he is not ready to talk and is most likely ashamed and confused. Are you able to work your process and figure things out on your own until he can actually talk? Do you have a good support system to help you through this?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Pamela, If you aren’t used to advocating for yourself in this way I can understand that it feels scary. What about it makes you feel nervous? Are you thinking it will upset him. turn him off? Do you imagine that he will stop being your friend or think that you have imagined the connection. LEt’s identify your concerns so we can help you face the fears and move forward confidently!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Annie, Welcome to the forum. I am glad that you are here asking for some support. This is a confusing situation. One issue that concerns me is that he is so easily swayed by his close friends. Why has he given them the authority to determine if he is ready for a relationship? He is the person who makes these decisions and my sense is he seems less enthusiastic about life because he isn’t following his heart and his personal desires. That is clearly a red flag that you need to be aware of.

Another red flag is his being OCD. I’m not sure if he really does have OCD or is someone who wants things orderly but pay attention to that. This behavior can intensify when a person is under stress. Right now you are in love and very willing to work with him but if he truly is OCD, is he getting support with this and learning to manage it appropriately?

At this point, are the two of you communicating? If so, can you meet for coffee or a walk. During your time together focus on enjoying your time and reconnecting. Since the two of you have such a strong connection, you won’t need to point this out as he will feel it. Spend little time letting him know that you wish you had given him more space and that you trust him to know what is best for him. The reality is, he does know he is still learning to trust himself and do what he knows is right for him. Can you share how old the two of you are? And, what are the things that he wants to accomplish before settling down?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, I definitely think he id feeding you lines but not backing it up with actual effort. You can see that he is on line but he doesn’t communicate with you for days at a time. Also, he misled you about this poor woman being his niece rather than a friends niece which seems manipulative to me. Also, he is acting as though the two of you are in an exclusive relationship by his words yet he is clearly communicating with others at the same time. I agree that he is not being genuine and I am starting to wonder if he is capable of that. Is he just messed up or is he trying to scam you in some way? We don’t know but it seems like you have had enough confusion to be down with Russel. A few messages back you were clear that you were done. Seems like the best course.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi, Welcome to the forum. I can understand how frustrated you must be. This man controls the relationship by ignoring you and creating anxiety for you. You get so concerned that he is not going to be there and not going to be with you that you then take what little he gives to you. Do you understand that this will always be the pattern? He is an avoidant and a narsacist and he is not even going to be able to be a true partner for you. Yes, you can get him to reengage but don’t things will go back to this place as soon as he is questioned or more is asked of him.

It is interesting that his friend intervened and more interesting that you listened to his friends suggestion. What if you had waited for him to actually reengage rather than trying to fox things for hi? How do you imagine things would have played out in that scenario?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Katernina, I understand why you are confused. I think that when relationships are good we say things like it is forever and we will never break up, I’ll always be here, etc. The reality is there are no guarantees in relationship or life. Even the best relationships sometimes end. While you already know that this was not the healthiest relationship, you miss it and you miss the connection. As hard as it is, moving through this and rebuilding is important FOR YOU.

You shared that you are overwhelmed with rebuilding. That makes total sense so you want to set small goals for yourself and rebuild your life one step at a time. It will take time to get where you want to be but if you stick with it, your life will get bigger and your connections will get stronger. Did you get the book that Heidi recommended? Why not start there. Read the book and start to spend time fortifying your relationship with yourself. Yes, you are spending all of your time by yourself but is that quality time? What is your self talk like? Are you being a loving support to yourself or are you being critical of yourself? Being kind, supporting, and encouraging to you is vital to building a solid relationship with yourself. Are you spending time in nature? Even if it is cold, make sure you get out for at least 30 minutes a day. Research shows that this one act can greatly improve your mood. While you can’t plan indoor activities you can meet a friend for a walk or other outdoor activity.

I also wonder about the other ways you could get more connection. There are all kinds of support groups being done virtually as well as classes and activities. Participating in groups could offer you a new way to connect and break up you days. Are there any classes that you have wanted to take? Anything that you have wanted to learn? There are endless possibilities; wine tasting, baking, painting, literature, poetry, wood working, languages, etc. Thinking outside the box is going to be really important at this time. Can you share what things you would like to learn about or groups that you would like to participate in?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

H Emilie, I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I understand how difficult this is for you and your family. I wish for a speedy recovery to her health and well being. Thank you for the well wishes for what is happening in the US. There is indeed a lot of unrest right now but I have faith in our democratic process and believe we will get through this as a stronger nation!

I can totally understand your love of travel. Living in Europe you have the option to drive to so many different countries. That is so amazing to an American! I can drive to Canada or Mexico but it would take a long time to get there lol On the flip side, there are so many different options for travel within the US that I am looking forward to exploring. I gave so many miles on my travel cards. Some friends and I are planning a trip to Paris in 2.5 years which I am really looking forward to. Where are you planning on traveling when all of this is over?

I remember when you were remodeling your flat! So glad to hear that it is rented. That must feel like a huge relief and one area that you no longer need to worry about. Yay to something going right these days! Thanks for clarifying that while you aren’t yet feeling clear and confident, you are feeling resolved with the situation. Do you have a sense of what will help you get back to feeling confident? Are you feeling any confusion or discord about what happened that we can help you with?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

I agree that Russell has been giving you mixed messages. It is strange that he talked about making memories and then essentially ghosted you. WE can see how difficult it is to truly get to know someone without being able to spend time in person with them. Being able to take walks, learn more about what their day’s look like, experience how they respond to stress or disagreement is so important. Otherwise it is easy for people to simple say anything and present a picture of themselves that may not match who they actually are. We all have some degree of disconnect between who we think we are and how others experience us. That is normal and that is why we need to spend time getting to know someone. I too am looking forward to you getting home, having some face to face time with friends, old and new, and getting resettled.

I love to hear the flip side of the coin – hw excited you are about getting back to the life you love! Is there a possibility that you could find a job that allows you to sleep in your bed everynight and spend time with your friends, and be near the mountains that you love?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Tan, Thank you for sharing more information as it is really helpful. I hear how confusing and frustrating this is. The thing that stands out the most for me is that you have been dating for 3 weeks and he has retreated 3 times. In three weeks you haven’t had the time to actually build a bond as that takes months to build a solid bond. It seems that while you were both still in the getting to know you phase, there was perhaps a sense on your part that this was a relationship. Would you agree? Overall it seems that you were on different pages. Given that this is sooooo complicated after just 3 weeks, be aware that this complexity will continue.

Three weeks in should still be fun, dating, getting to know each other. Things got serious long before the two of you actually got to know each other. While it is difficult, it seems like it makes the most sense for you to disengage and reconnect with you. Is it common for you to get this attached to someone early on? You shared that you were feeling anxiety about where things are going – that is totally normal for the beginning of dating because you can’t know where things are going. n reality, you haven’t spent enough time together to even know each other at that point.

In meeting his family and friends so early on, I wonder if it started to feel like a relationship prematurely? In reality, after 3 weeks you were still in a dating situation, not a relationship. When we move forward before we actually know someone, understand how you both dealt with stress, have the opportunity to work thought small disagreements, we can get overwhelmed quickly and easily. Does it feel as though the two of you moved forward too quickly?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, I’m sorry that Russell is being inconsistent, that is a bummer. I wonder if he is having issues with his wifi again? Guess we won’t know until he pops his head out again. Glad you are finding enjoyment in your walks. Sometimes it only takes something small to turn your day around! Do you have a count down calendar going in your office?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emilie, We are back to work and school in my house as of yesterday – we all struggled as we wanted more vacation time lol I saw on the news that France is really shut down again. I am so glad that you got to visit with your grandmother and other family members. It is great that she has stayed healthy through all of this. You seem to be really clear and confident these days. What do you think if heaping you feel that way?

Kanya

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Kanya D.

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, I’m glad you are looking for what is next. Any interest in going to a warm place for the next 6 months lol From what you’ve shared in the past you really want to head back to Canada and close to the life you have created there. I can understand that. While I like to travel I love to be able to return home to the most comfortable, comforting place I know!

Rather than asking how you can survive the next 83 days, maybe ask yourself how you can experience joy in the next 83 days. Moments of enjoyment are still possible even if they are about connecting with your coworkers, enjoying the changing weather, knowing that this difficult situation is coming to an end, etc. Just out of curiosity, is there a part of you that avoids this for fear of being disappointed?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Tan, Welcome to the forum. It might be helpful to learn more about the relationship; how long were you two dating, how often would he ghost or withdraw, when you argued or disagreed what was the dynamic like, etc. From what you’ve shared, it seems like he has a tendency to disappear when things get tough or when he is faced with something that he doesn’t know how to navigate. This is a big concern as we all face many challenges in life and in relationships.

I’m not sure if the two of you are communicating but you can try to ignite his hero instinct to reengage. Start by thinking of something that he could help you with. It could be something he needs to come to your house to do or you can ask for his opinion about something he has knowledge about. Once you have an idea of what this is, send him a short text that says something like “I need your help.” When he responds, ;et him know what you need. When he helps, share your gratitude with him. This helps him feel like your hero and opens the door to begin talking again.

If the two of you do reconnect and talk about the relationship, be sure to take responsibility for what you have done that was not helpful to the relationship. Let him know how you would handle these things in the past, and show him (through behavior changes) that you are figuring things out and learning new techniques.

Please let us know what you think and share anything else that may help us support you.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Julienne, Glad to hear that you are feeling clear. This is such a difficult situation but you are handling it from a place of strength-well done! Keep us posted and let us know how we can support you!

Kanya

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