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Hi Tracy, I can imagine how disappointed you are! It sounds like you really felt things were on track and perhaps he was thinking something else. From the little that you shared it sounds like the two of you have a difficult time communicating and being heard and understood. Does this feel accurate? I guess my first question is do you try to have these conversations via text? A lot of people are doing that these days. As a matter fact, that seems to be the norm. However, it is impossible to truly understand what is being said in a text. There’s so much about face-to-face communication that isn’t present and texting. 75% of what’s communicated when we talk comes to our body language. This is something we can’t even see when we’re texting. We also don’t see you doing a voice, we also have the tendency to jump ahead and become reactive. So, did you have conversations about the relationship in person, face-to-face or was it via text? Going forward I would encourage you to only have conversations about the relationship when you are face-to-face with each other.
So you sure that he doesn’t feel a spark but wants to remain friends. What do you think about that? Could you just be friends with him or with some part of you always be wanting more? This is an important question to ask yourself.
So when he broke things off recently, have there been a disagreement between the two of you? Did he feel you acted in a way that didn’t work for him? Did you perhaps feel as though he was disappointing you in someway? What do you think actually triggered his desire to end things?
Kanya
Hi Tracey, wow, it sounds like he has a lot going on! Which means you have a lot to contend with. There’s a couple things and I’m a little confused about so let me ask those questions and get them out-of-the-way. You say that he says he’s living overseas but that you see him many times. Does that mean he’s actually living locally and he is not being honest with you about that? You also sure that he is checking up on you, can you share more about what that means?
So it sounds like he is very confused at this point. He is dealing with being a single parent, chilling with the loss of his ex, possibly other things as well. I really acknowledge you for being supportive of him. It sounds as though you’ve been there for him throughout this which is amazing!
So, the two of you have been connected for about 2 1/2 years, correct? It sounds as though in the past 1 1/2 to 2 years most of the energetic flow and support has been coming from you to him. Is that accurate? I guess my first question is how long are you going to wait for him? I totally get it if you aren’t sure the answer to that question. My guess is things started off great and then little by little he became less available but you continue to support him as if the two of you were in a reciprocal relationship. The thing is, I don’t get that he’s there for you. I will get that he has the energy right now with the resources emotionally and otherwise to actually be in a relationship. Given that I am sensing that he’s relying on you for emotional support but he’s really not able to participate equally In a relationship. Does that make sense?
Can you share with me what you were hoping will happen in this situation? Can you also be realistic about what is possible with him? I’m wondering, have the two of you talked about this and his inability to kind a get it together given everything else he’s dealing with? I just wonder how much you guys are communicating. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Ana, I think you are doing a great job! For now, taking a step back gives him the chance to miss you and reach out to you. It may take longer than you like but changing the tide of this will feel really good. If you don’t hear from him in about 30 days send a quick, flirty text to get his attention.
In terms of the translation of ‘feeling your tough’ I think it was a typo. I’m guessing Heidi mean to say ‘feeling your touch.’
SO, I’m wondering what yo are doing to get out there and interact with more men. It doesn’t mean that you need to date anyone but flirting can happen in many different ways, different ways, and at different levels. You might start today but making eye contact with men and smiling. It might feel weird at first but it is a great way to practice being seen!Kanya
Hi Reese, I love that! What a gift you are giving to yourself. Leaning to love yourself and respect yourself is life changing. It sounds like you re ready to take a step back and deleting that account is an important step. I encourage you to trust your gut on this!
So, given your amazing insight, let’s talk about ways to become more comfortable showing your vulnerability. This is much easier to do when you do it in small steps. Many people jump into a relationship to avoid being vulnerable. The beginning part of a relationship is naturally vulnerable. That is part of what helps people to bind-a willingness to take the chance to let someone see deeply into you. When you slow things down, this can happen in smaller steps and van feel less overwhelming. So, as you step back into dating find ways to make yourself more vulnerable in small steps. Let yourself learn to tolerate not losing what is going to happen and continuing to spend time with someone. That is difficult for sure but an important step. It will mean learning to support yourself emotionally so that you can tolerate that closeness more. Be honest about who you are and let that person see you. When you feel uncomfortable, and you will, learn to comfort yourself rather than going to the guy for reassurance. When you are most driven to reach out the them and get reassurance, this is the time to learn to give it to yourself. It won’t be easy but you can do it!
Have you considered working with a coach or therapist as you make this journey?
Kanya
Hi Jessica, I’m glad you are here. So, this is something that needs to be turned around but it is difficult once a booty call situation has been put in place. I suggest you start to incorporate other activities into your repertoire with this guy. At a minimum, stop being available and stop letting him think a booty call is all you are worth. Have you tried to do this in the past?
Kanya
Hi Lola, I’m sorry this feels like such a mess. In my last essay to you I talked about the difficulty he is having in life and that he may be feeling depressed. Any thoughts on that? I know that it is easy to blame her for what is happening but he hasn’t been willing to cut things off, to walk away. I get the sense that he is struggling and unfortunately not willing to get support. In the beginning of December you talked about looking for your own therapist. If you haven’t done so already I strongly recommend you start to work with someone on a regular basis. This is a very difficult situation you are dealing with and you need all of the support and insight you can get!
I hear you regarding the 12 word text. WE do get that question not he sight from time to time. Both Heidi and I have talked to James and he has shared his insight on this site about that at carious times. Basically the 12 word text was sent out by us but introduces our members to another author or sorts. They are the ones who marketed it that way, we didn’t realize that they never actually answer that question. I will say that igniting his hero instinct would be a good way to go. The challenge is, he is so stuck and so exhausted that he can’t really think about others at this time. He has shared that with you and that makes it difficult. Right now he isn’t being empathetic or understanding so it is difficult to motivate him. That is why I think you need to be working with a therapist. This is a very complicated situation and something that will take time and effort to change. The think is, he needs to put in at least as much time and effort. You, actually no one, can fix this for him. He needs to be committed to fixing this for himself. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi, I hear you. It is scary to move forward, to leave a marriage even if it isn’t something that works for you. The not knowing can be a little crazy making at times. I will say this, you are clearly someone with a loving heart and there is every reason to believe that your future holds an amazing relationship with someone that makes sense and feels wonderful! Keep taking care of yourself and loving yourself through this. Do keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Tracy, This is great news. I’m glad he is open to a friendship. Since I don’t know the details of the past relationship or break up I would say encourage the friendship for now. Don’t be overly responsive to his texts, let him initiate communication, etc. Give it some time for the energy to grow. The best way to approach this is to develop a an emotional connection first. Feel free to share more about the details of the relationship, break-up etc. so that we can better support you!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, Yes, please slow down. It sounds as though you’ve only known him for a week or two. You are in love with who you think he could be but you haven’t actually gotten to know who is actually is. While he says he’s not afraid of commitment, you won’t what that means for months, even a year. Right now you are still in the honeymoon phase where your brain is chemical soup. Yes, he seems amazing and may turn out to be the perfect mate for you but you won’t know that until you have spent a lot of time with him for the next 6-12 months.
I know you are excited but be sure to temper that with some perspective! Love can feel like a roller coaster at times and jumping in too soon will make the hills steeper and more frequent. Just enjoy this time without trying to figure out the future. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Isotta, I think there is a lot of relevance to the message in the movie. IF men aren’t paying attention to you they aren’t that into you. However, there are things you candy to get their interest. Flirting is one way, using compliments at appropriate times, allowing a man to lead, etc. Have you read any of the articles on this site about how to get a man’s attention? I think you would find them very interesting!
Kanya
Hi Reese, Can you share what you feel the benefit of that would be? And, how are you feeling about everything I shared?
Kanya
Hi Kristy, I think you ar talking about two different things. First, will he be satisfied with your kids when he is wanting a family? That is a very personal question that differs from person to person. My guess is, he will want to have children with you even if he is open to being a step parent to your kids. That is something that the two of you will need to figure out. The first propriety seems to be figuring out if the two of you have a deep enough connection to consider moving forward and creating a family. The techniques will work to build a foundation of respect and caring. Does that make sense? How long have the two of you been seeing each other?
Kanya
Thanks so much for sharing more information with me. You really do have a complicated situation. Given the nature of your parents relationships I can understand why he would be hesitant to move forward. It seems like doing so might open a lot of old wounds for everyone. I can understand your desire to be with him. It sounds like the connection goes back a long way, both in positive and negative ways.
The ending of a marriage is complicated stuff-even when you are clear that this is what you want and even when you feel free as a result. Even so, it takes time to unravel things emotionally.The unraveling is painful and sad and emotional. When we jump in with someone before the grieving is complete we bypass emotions that are important to fully letting go and healing. Perhaps this is the time for you to focus on processing this marriage as well as the ending of it. When that is complete there will be time to consider this as well as other relationships in the future. For now I suggest your focus be one you and your family. You can continue to develop a friendship with little or no expectations of this person. If you can fully let go for now, you may be surprised at what comes your way in the future. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Kathy, How wonderful that your friend is so giving. I can understand why a simple thank you doesn’t feel like enough when you haven’t experienced this before. I’m wondering, when you thank him how does he respond? From my perspective, when a man is giving to us and we are genuinely thankful, his heart is full. My guess is he isn’t looking for more than that.
Have you considered saying something like “I love all the sweet and thoughtful things you do for me. I hope you know how much it means to me and how safe you make me feel.” Then, see how he responds. It might be a good way to have a small conversation where he shared the value he is receiving from your happiness!
Kanya
Hi Reese, Things seemed to have spiraled in a different direction that you were hoping. I know how frustrating and confusing that can be. While it is difficult it is important to remember that the two of you have spent a limited amount of time together. As such, you need to consider how much time and effort you want to spend getting things back on track. I get that this connection seems strong for you and that you were hoping for more. The thing is, he isn’t working at winning you over and he doesn’t appear to be putting any effort into this. From my experience, unless a man is invested he doesn’t invest much into things.
I hear that you are wanting to get him more invested. The best want to do that is to stop showing him your interested. Your absence will be far more interesting to him at things point than your presence. As it has been 2 months I’m not sure that this will get his attention but I promise that continuing to pursue him will only push him away. Prior to when he stopped talking toy were you back into the habit of over connecting with him? Have you been dating the people in the mean time? That is vital as you need to be getting some positive feedback and interest coming your way. Unless a guy is actively pursuing you, he can’t be taken seriously.
Sometimes, we focus on getting someone back because we fear that there won’t be anyone else out there for us. We come at this with a scarcity mentality and that can feel really scary. I guess I’m wondering why you want to put so much into this with someone that you have only spent small amount of time. In the past have you gone through something similar? Believe me, you are not alone! I went through this many times. I pined for men that I loved and felt a genuine connection to who weren’t actually there, in my life. They existed in an imaginary relationship. For me that was far more safe then actually putting myself out there and opening myself up to being hurt or rejected. It was only when I learned to really love myself that I became comfortable dating again. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Kanya
