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Hi Dawn, So, it sounds weird but men often become more interested when they think we are LESS interested. Based in his behavior I don’t get the sense that he is willing to invest in anything right now. Even if he does start to date other people I don’t get the sense that he will invest in anything real with anyone else. You’ve done a great job identifying his pattern of getting close and then pulling away. The real question is do you want to invest any more time or energy into someone who does this?
Kanya
Hi Isotta, I’m glad we are helping you on the other thread! I think a lot of people wonder about FWB situation. While I can say that it never evolves into something more i will say that from my experience it is infrequent. Once a man starts to get that connection without having to actually work for it he tends to not value the connection as much. That doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable. On the contrary, you are VERY valuable. It’s just that he may not be willing to start to invest more time and energy to be close with someone he’s had a FWB arrangement.
Part of what happens in the beginning of a relationship, before sexual intimacy emotional intimacy begins to grow. That emotional connection is very grounding to a relationships and is often the things that motivates a man to keep pursuing someone. Most people would say that they just want sex. I don’t believe that is accurate. It think they want to emotional connection that comes with sex but needs to be built first. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Linda, As Heidi shared, this is going to take some time to sort out. I’m not sure if he is still dating her at this point but if he is, or if the door to dating her is still open, I’m not sure how far your relationship with him can go. If he is open to going back to couples counseling that would be helpful. Together you could set some guidelines and determine if he is willing to actually focus his attention on just you. This will mean that things get triggered for him that he will need to process and work on. It will also be a place for you to continue to work on the anxious part of you that sometimes reacts rather than calms yourself and simply talks to him about your thoughts and feelings.
I’d also suggest you focus your energy elsewhere so that this is not such a large focus for you. When any relationship becomes our main focus it can start to feel like we MUST get things to work. I don’t want you or him to feel that pressure. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Marie, Thank you for sharing more. I really hear how hard you have worked and how much you have healed. That is really amazing! I can see that your dad, and your father, weren’t really there to give you you emotionally. As a result, you are still learning how to be there fir yourself on an emotional level. This is very common! My parents were supportive in many ways and provided me with an amazing life. However, neither of them was very comfortable emotionally. I tended to look for men to fill that space in me with not so great consequences. Eventually I learned to nurture myself emotionally. This meant, and still means, being very kind to myself in my words and deeds. being accepting and supportive when I make a mistake, choosing to be with people who love me and are nurturing with me.
When you think of reaching out to this person, instead turn your attention inside. Tell yourself how amazing you are, remind yourself that you are fin to be around and very lovable, spend time connecting with the part of yourself that is 2 or 5 or 12 or 15 who didn’t have someone who told her, and treated her, as if she was the most important being in the world. It will feel strange at first because it is new and frankly we aren’t taught to be this kind to ourselves. But over time it will start to feel natural.
There is a researcher names Kristin Neff who has done a lot of research on Self Compassion. She’s done an amazing job defining what that means and how to bring more compassion to yourself. HERe is a link to her talking about the subject that I think you would find helpful:
Take a look and think about ways to be more compassionate with yourself then let’s discuss and fine tune a bit.
Kanya
I wouldn’t necessarily agree with that. I think that when you care for someone and there is a spark from both sides there are definitely ways to increase and build interest. I think it is difficult to do with someone who doesn’t feel a spark or someone who has already moved into the friends with benefits category. Is there something specific that you are wondering about? A specific situation you are facing?
Kanya
Hi Dawn, So, this is frustrating! He’s been spending time with you but can’t share with his friends that the two of you are dating. Those are some major mixed messages! I’m aware that the two of you have really only been dating for about 2 months and you are putting a lot of effort into this with little to show for it. I wonder if it is time to move on? You could spend a lot of months trying to get him motivated. The challenge is, he doesn’t appear to be getting motivated. What if you took a step back for a few weeks. Don’t initiate and if he does just let him know you are busy. Space might help you get some new perspective. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, It sounds like you made the right decision. If it felt like it was too much and he couldn’t slow things down, it will feel like your needs don’t really count. I’m sorry that he was not able to understand. Hopefully the next guy will be in the middle more!
BTW, have I shared with you how proud I am of you and all your progress? You really are doing great and I have no doubt that you will be able to build an amazing relationship soon!
Kanya
Hi Antonella, I’m glad you are here! So if I’m understanding this last Saturday night he said he wants to give things another try. He misses you and wants to get things back on track. Then last night he choose not to come out for New Years. IS that accurate? So, when he said all of that on Saturday how did you respond? Did you agree to work on things? Did the two of you make a plan as to what that would look like?
For now, I think it is vital to take things slowly. Let this evolve in a natural way. A lot has happened and you will both need to make sure that you can deal with the ups and downs that occur in any relationship. Can you share what the fight was about and how the two of you behave when you disagree or argue?
Kanya
Hi L, Happy New Year. I’m so glad that you are on the forum. I see that maybe you overdid it but I think that you can remedy this fairly easily. First, stop reaching out to him and communicating. When you see him at work, say something like “Sorry if I overdid it, I was just super excited. Thanks again for your help.” Then stop talking about it. You will accomplish two things in doing this. First, you acknowledge what occurred and put it into contact for him. Second, it shows him that you can be brief in your communication. Then, begin to be more appropriate in your interactions and over time he will get to see who the real you is! it is normal to get excited and to push for more at times. The good news is you now see this and can make corrections as you move forward! Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Emma, Welcome to the forum. So glad you are here! I’m really glad to hear that you read The Relationship Rewrite. That is such an amazing program. I have recommended it many times with amazing results. So, from my experience the best place to start is at the beginning. I literally recommend going step by step through the process. Think about something that you used to do that bothered him. Did he feel disrespected, criticized, unimportant? This is the thing that you need to take responsibility for and apologize for. That is the place to start. So, what comets mind when you think back on some things that he said didn’t work for him?
Kanya
Hi Keila, I am so glad that you are here. It sounds like the past year has been very, very confusing. I can understand why your heart is broken. I am wondering how your conversation went. It seemed fairly clear that he was having an affair and that was part of his distance and confusion. I’m glad that he was finally willing to ell you the truth. Even though it is painful, at least you know more about the reasons behind his strange behavior.
We are happy to help you navigate this incredibly situation. Please give me an update so we can support you!
Kanya
Hi Mia, I’m really glad that you’re here. We definitely have a lot going on. Acknowledge you for the insight you have about the areas you want to work on in yourself. It seems like this is the place for you to focus for now. With this last guy it was interesting that you had a taser as well as maze. That’s not something we usually hear someone having when they’re dating. Is this because men in the past have been violent with you? Did you have a sense that you might need to use those to protect yourself? I think it might be Helpful to work one on one with the counselor as you go through this. They could help you in the moment understand this more fully and find more affective ways of dealing with your fears.
It’s important to understand that everybody is afraid of getting close, everyone is afraid of being rejected, everyone has concerns and fears at the beginning of every relationship. That is totally normal! Once you except that you really want to look at their response to those feelings because that’s where most people get thrown off. Sometimes with someone in Peed on those walls we spent so much time building we can push them away with too much force. Sometimes we use anger, sometimes with his criticism, shutdown. It looks different for different people but we are each responsible for healing that. Eventually we get to the place where I realize that our boundaries are fluid. We can let people in to the degree that we want and when we need space we could find ways to get space while still being kind and loving. In the relationship with this last man did he share anything about what wasn’t working for him? That could give us some insight as to how you, as an individual, respond when someone gets too close to your walls. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Celestine, thanks so much for reading in, we’re really glad you’re on the form! It sounds like just being yourself has worked well for this person. I would definitely encourage you to continue to do so. You guys up in Northern California have been dealing with a lot in the past few months and I get the sense that most people‘s lives are in flux right now. Given that, along with his health issues, my senses he may need all of his energy just to get by day today. Does that make sense?
One thing I will say is you’re talking about spending your life with him when It sounds like you’ve only seen him a few times. I would caution you about doing that. It takes a long time to get to know someone inside and out. In the beginning everybody’s putting on their best face and everybody is looking at the potential of someone versus who they actually are. It is far too soon to think about spending your life with him. What if you spend the next few months just slowly getting to know each other? Given what you’ve both been through it sounds like you both need solid reliable friends right now. As your lives start to get more clear and falling to place you’ll see if the two of you have what it takes to keep moving forward. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Eva, so glad you got the book! Can’t wait to hear how you implement things. Please feel free to ask for guidance and questions as you do so! Happy new year.
Kanya
Hi Snejana, I Hair and understand your frustration. It’s really hard to love someone and to be so confused by their behavior. I wonder if it’s time to try something different. I’m not suggesting that you and things with him or give him any kind of ultimatum! Rather, start to reach out to him less frequently. If you text him a couple times a week maybe start texting him once every week or two. Let them know that you love to spend time with them but that you’re super busy. Given the sense that he is no longer the center of your universe. You can do this in a way that is still kind and loving, you don’t need to create any conflict around this. Just start take a step back and be less available to spend time with him.
Stop asking about the relationship. Until things change for him, until he changes things for her self, things are not gonna change. So stop asking and start creating a life that includes him but also includes a lot of other interests and activities. In a sense you want to make him a smaller part of your focus, you attention, of your life.
Remember years ago I was dating a guy who withdrew but never actually ended things. It was so frustrating and so painful! He was there but he wasn’t really there and he wasn’t owning it. Eventually I got clear that if he was only in my life 10% I was only going to give him 10% I was no longer going to give them 100% when he was not giving 100%. I didn’t talk to him about it I didn’t argue with him about it I just made some changes. That definitely got his attention. Ultimately he became more interested in me but I was no longer interested in someone Give me what I deserve. That was an incredibly empowering experience!
The fact that he didn’t invite you to Christmas dinner this year speaks volumes. Until this guy is working on winning you and keeping you, he doesn’t deserve for you to be working this hard. Does that make sense?
Kanya
