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Hi Rhonda, I don’t know what is up with this person but if keeping your job is important to you I would steer clear away from becoming personally involved with your boss. I would say this to anyone in this situation. It just isn’t professional of him to treat you in t his way. My sense is he isn’t used to having boundaries and he is crossing them again in this situation. My guess is you re not the first employee he has been inappropriate with. The reality is, he holds all the power intros situation and it isn’t fair of him to use that to influence you to have a personal relationship with him.
To balance this situation you will need to be clear on your boundaries and stick with them. You shared that you are thinking about him way to much. I think it is time to stop doing so. When you start to think of him be clear with yourself that he is your boss, that you want to keep your job, and that it is important to keep personal and profession binderies. This is not your knight in shining armor. If you are wanting to date please do so far away from work!I understand it is nice to get the attention but understand that the more clear your boundaries are the more difficult it will be for him to take advantage of the situation. Does all of that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Priscilla, I am glad that you are here. From what I am reading, the two of you have had 3 dates three months. Is that a accurate? I think you may be heading towards the friends with benefits world. I totally get that he is busy and ‘wants’ to see you more but until he actually does what it takes to see you more I don’t think things are going to grow. There is so much space between meetings that it is difficult to build foundation. My guess is you are feeling this as well. Does it feel like he was trying harder earlier on? Does it feel like he is engaged enough to really build something?
You can keep initiating and keeping things going for a while but I wonder if you are ready to give this a small amount of attention as you continue to date other people. There is no reason why you need to give him so much of your attention when he isn’t giving anything close back to you. If you take a step back you will see if he starts to initiate more. If he doesn’t, if is clear that this isn’t going to grow into anything substantial. If you do see him again I would stay clear of hooking up unless you are comfortable with that being the basis of the relationship. Does that make sense? What are you doing to meet and date other great guys?
Kanya
Hi Ana, I am so sorry. I know you are disappointed. It sounds as though there are a few things getting int he way. First, the way things unfolded in the past have led him to feel that this is not something that can work. Second, you are so far away from each other geographically that it is impossible to build something. Couples that live near each other and build something have a much easier time transitioning to a LDR than a couple who has spent their whole relationship long distance.
In your first message you shared that it felt like you had been on a roller coaster since you first started to date. That says a lot. In my experience, when relationships are like that from the start, they stay that way. Perhaps it is time to get off the roller coaster. What if you were to truly let him go? The reality is, things lasted for about 2 months. You are putting a lot of effort into something that was going on for such a short period of time. Sometimes it is better to cut our losses and move on to something that fits our life and our heart more.
Kanya
Hi Dana, I read through what Heidi shared and I can understand your confusion. It sounds as though you want to work things through with him and really want the chance to talk about it. Given what you’ve shared it makes sense that you would want to talk to him and see if the two of you could work things out. Heidi’s perception is also important to pay attention to. If he is not able to communicate more effectively it will be difficult to work through any conflict or disagreement the two of you have.
Have you tried to ignite his hero instinct? Can you think of something that he could help you with? It could even be as simple as answering a question you have about something he knows a lot about. Send him a test that says “I need your help.” When he responds, ask your question. When he answers it let him know that he is awesome and that you really appreciate his help. Sometimes this is the most effective way to start communicating again.
I’m curious, have the two of you worked through conflict in the past? If so, what did that look like?
Kanya
Hi Marietta, I’m glad there is some communication between the two of you. You’ve done a great job with this. Did the two of you talk today? If so, what advice are you asking him for???
One things you could do in the future is ignite his hero instinct via text. You could ask for help moving something which would mean that he could come over and help you at some point, etc. Don’t try to push this too far too fast. Be willing to go slowly and rebuild. Remember, the two of you haven’t been dating that long so this is still something to be treated with a great amount of care. It may take some time but the most important things you can do is show him the best of you and be there to support him when needed. That would be a great start!
Kanya
Hi Leila, I don’t think there is a right or a wrong decision in this. You need to do what feels right for you. You are free to say yes to this or another weekend but say no to his having a key ongoing. I think so much has happened in the past weeks hat it makes sense that you aren’t sure of anything at this time. It makes me sad to hear that he wants the space to do what he wants while you wait for his decision. I can only imagine how difficult that is for you. I understand he is going through a lot but I don’t think it is only him making a decision in all of this.
I hear that you want to save things. If that is the case there are a few things that I suggest. First, take a step back. Decide what works for you at this stage and communicate clearly and calmly with him. Next, start to focus on things in your life that bring you joy and satisfaction. I know that sounds strange as you want him to know that you want the marriage. The thing is, men find happy women irresistible. If you can find a way back to being happy, regardless of what he does, that will be a benefit to you as well! I understand that you aren’t ready to act and that makes sense. For now, taking care of yourself and giving yourself time to contemplate how things got tot his point is important.
In the past , do you see the ways in which you perhaps contributed to the distance int he relationship? If you were to identify one things you wish you could have done differently what would it have been?
Kanya
Hi Diana, Thank you for sharing more. I think we all have experiences when we are kids that can continue to affect us as adults. In reading what you shared, I wonder if the young part of you became self conscious about being yourself, feeling your feelings, and fearing that people would laugh at you? The reality is, you are amazing, beautiful, and perfect just as you are! You do not need to please others and the reality is, people are so different we could try to bend ourselves in a hundred different ways and still not please everyone. Instead, what if you start to just be you and celebrate how amazing you are?
There is an exercise that I would recommend as you start to increase your self love and confidence. Every night, before you go to sleep, lie in bed and think of at least 3 things that you like about you. It could also be 3 things that you handled well, how hard you are working on improving yourself, etc. The important part is to start to amass a list of things that you appreciate about yourself. You can also practice speaking to yourself in a loving way, in a way that you would talk to a young child. You want to be gentle and unconditional in your words to you. It will take some time to get used to and to even enjoy but with practice you can make a lot of progress! How does that sounds?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I think you are doing a great job. Yes, this is the difficult time-trying to figure out what is going to happen. Since he is going through so much maybe it is the perfect time to take a step back. I do think he will reach out after a bit if you give him the space to miss you. unlike the past situation I am not suggesting that you stop communicating-just take a few weeks off and see if he reaches out to you. If he doesn’t you can always wait the 3 weeks and they send a text igniting his hero instinct. He has been open to that in the past and it ay be an effective way to approach the situation.
In the mean time, what can you do to keep yourself busy and focused?
Kanya
Hi Dana, I’m really glad that you are here. It sounds as though the two of you have hit a speed bump. First of all, let’s slow down! Nothing needs to be done in this moment so just breath and begin to give yourself some space to figure this out. The first thing that occurs to me is that the two of you had a lot of firsts over the holidays. You spent tome with each others families, he met your mom, you spent more time at his place. I wonder if part of what is coming up for him, and possibly for you, is some basic fear. Things seem to be getting real and that can be scary for everyone involved! Have the two of you talked about how this feels like it is getting more real? Perhaps he is thinking that you want more from him than he can give?
Clearly he is needing space to process. You have apologized which is great! Give him a few more days then send him a text that ignites his hero instinct without asking to talk about anything. That will show him that the coast is clear so to speak. Men often need to have some mundane conversations after a disagreement BEFORE they re willing/able to talk about what happened. The reason is because they get overwhelmed emotionally more quickly than we do. As a result we need to go slow! My sense is that given some time, space, and a sense that you aren’t still angry he will be open to talking things through. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Ana, I like that things are going slowly. I think that is really important right now. In terms of the letter you are writing, I’m not sure it is appropriate to send him that. I think it is important for you to write it to increase your own self awareness but I think it might be too much to put on him. PARt of the challenge in the past has been that the two of you spend a lot of time talking about what is not working. You tend to go back and forth about it rather than spending time simply enjoying each other and getting to know each other at a deeper level. I think he might be overwhelmed but the letter.
What if, instead, you let him know that you have been considering some things YOU did in the past that you realize didn’t work well. Ask if he is open to talking about that. For now, focus in things you can do better and allow him to focus on what he can do better. Telling him of his ‘failures’ could lead to him feeling criticized and disrespected. The last things a man wants to hear is the way they need to change. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Marietta, I am glad that you re here on the forum! I just want to do some perception checking. First, are you saying that you started dating in November 2018, just a few months ago? And that you made it official on Christmas day, just over a week ago? If so, things are very new and need to be treated gently!
In all honesty, I do think that you are pushing him. WE all have the right to reschedule when/if needed. While he could do a better job of communicating that to you in a more timely manner, you could do a better job supporting him. You shared in your last text to him that you are always there for him but a few times in the past week when he needed space you would not give him space. it isn’t effective to tell a guy that you will see me or I will break up with you. That is something that you need to rethink. Otherwise this, and any relationship, will have a lot of unnecessary ups and downs.
What comes up for you when he asks for space? It almost sounds as though you panic a bit. Does it feel that way?
Kanya
Hi Beatriz, I am so sorry to hear about this. I can hear that you really care for this person and value your connection. Let’s see if we can break this down a bit. It is clear that he is conflicted about what to do. He loves his child more than anything. That is really the way it is supposed to be. Our connection with our children is incredibly strong on a primal level. It is very difficult to leave them as you can tell from his behavior. It seems like he is just not ready to leave her behind by getting divorced. He does want to be with her on a full time basis.
Until he gets clear on what he wants and is fully committed to a decision, he will continue to give you mixed signals. It sounds as though he sometimes changes his mind on a daily basis. This must be confusing and exhausting. While you don’t have power to change him or impact his struggle at this time, you do have the power to determine how big of a role you are playing in his life right now. The thing is, if he is choosing to go back to his wife he needs to accept the reality that you won’t be in his life. Right now I see him trying to keep both doors open. Long terms this will look like him living with his family and seeing you secretly. It is important that you stop this now before you find yourself in a difficult and painful situation.
It seems as if he isn’t willing to make a decision and set clear boundaries. As a result you are being placed in a confusing situation and will need to decide what boundaries work for you. It is not fair and I can imagine it is very difficult to know what to do given his confusion. Of course you want to find a way to work thongs out so I wonder if you have been willing to go back and forth with him even when it feels off or unbalanced. Have you ever felt that way?
Kanya
Hi Keila, I’m so sorry. I can understand how confusing this is. You have been together for a long time, he made commitments to this life 28 years ago and now he is saying that he doesn’t want to feel obligated to keep those commitments. There is so much going on at some many levels. I would encourage you to consider 2 things. First, this is not the time to make any major life decisions. You are in a state of shock from this new awareness and feeling emotional. Please take time to process all of this. You will notice that your feelings change a lot from moment to moment. Give yourself some times, at least a few months, to sort this all out before making any decisions.
Second, consider working with a therapist who can help you process all of this. They have a lot of training and awareness and can assist you in the next few months as you sort through this.I would also refrain from telling your children any of these details. It is important to have clear boundaries with them at this time. They shouldn’t know about their dad’s affair. That is something you need to process first and it will only confuse and upset them. I know it is difficult but for now get support from family, friends, and professionals! What do you need right now to get through the next few days?
Kanya
HI Mia, It is super important for you to trust your gut. The more you share the more it sounds as though there was a lot about this person that just didn’t feel right for you. Is that accurate? I shared this video on another thread today and I think it would help you as well. It is all about self compassion, how important it is and ways to give that to yourself. As we do so, we learn which walls are really boundaries that are appropriate and which walls are reaction to past experiencing that we can take down. Please take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Celest, That is really exciting about your job! Congratulations. I acknowledge your good heart and caring for this person. That says a lot about the type pf person you are. For now though I do think it would be best to take a step back. Yes, you want to support him but you also want to give him the chance to miss you and reach out to you. He shared that he will look you up at some point. I would give him at least 2-3 weeks of space. I know that will be difficult but right now he is giving you a lot of signals that he needs space to take care of his health. He just doesn’t seem to have any more energy or resources to start a relationship at this time. He definitly needs to be healthy again in order to even consider that.
What if you waited 2-3 weeks then send a short text. Mention something like a song that reminds you of him and ask how he is doing? Then ignite his hero instinct with a question. How does that sounds?
Kanya
