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Hi Gwen, I acknowledge that a lot of thought went into that text which is admirable. The thing is, I agree with Heidi. I think that any connection with him is bound to be temporary and potentially painful. I don’t think this person has any idea about what he wants at this point. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if what he has shared with you about he divorce is partly true.
I think this is a person who is used to going for what he wants without thinking of the consequences to those around him. He’s about to leave his second marriage and has already slept with at least 1 other person. I know that you care for him but I question his integrity. In your text you shared that you want to be friends with him but is that accurate or do you want to stay in contact in hopes that something else develops?
Kanya
Hi Tamika, I really acknowledge you for the work and insight you are putting into understanding this relationship more effectively! hat will serve you now and in the future.
In terms of John Gotten books, I like them all but was thinking that “Seven Principles for making marriage work’ might be a good one for you to read or listen to at this time. He does an amazing job of lying out the principles and giving real life experiences that will help you put things into practice. One thing that Gotten has identified in a 4 to 1 ration of positive interactions to negative interactions. He’s found that this ratio is vital to maintaining happy and connected relationships. That means that for every negative interaction, word, sign, judgement etc.there needs to be 4 positive experiences. These can be works, gentle touch, doing something kind, complementing him, etc. See if you can worimprpove that ratio and see what the effects are!
It is great that you are going to start with a therapist next week. I think that you will get a lot out of the process.
please keep us posted on your next steps!Kanya
Hi Emilie, We are so glad to be part of your support team! You are doing so great. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Dana, From my perspective, if he does reach out to you first, I would just respond in a friendly way. Don’t talk about the past or the future. Simply be friendly, respond the way you would to any friend, and they step back. You want him to feel the space so that he keeps stepping forward.
My biggest recommendation to you is to slow down. I get the sense that you are wanting this so badly in a way that may feel a bit out of your control at times. For now shift your focus to caring for yourself, processing your grief over the loss of your beloved dog, and give yourself time to move through that. You might look at this differently when you are feeling strong and secure again. Your biggest focus needs to be building a loving and supportive relationship with yourself! Then, once that is in place, you can think about building a romantic relationship.
Kanya
HI Lola, I am sorry to hear that things still feel so up in the air. The most important question you asked is “Do I want to know?” I’m guessing that it is a lot easier to avoid the situation because it allows things to go forward as is. You don’t have to make any decisions, set boundaries, potentially face something really upsetting. You are free to do so but I do wonder what the cost will be to you long term on an emotional level?
Based on his behavior, it sounds like there is communication between him and this other person. He may be planning an exit or may be planning to stay in the current situation indefinitely. So, if you are not ready to face this my question for you is what do you need to do or experience in your life such that you are ready to deal with the fall out of learning the truth?
Kanya
Hi Isa, I am so glad that you are here! Welcome!
I’m really sorry that this has occurred. It sounds as though the timing has been off for both of you. I do have a few questions. How long ago did this occur? Do you know how long he has known this women grin work? I’m wondering why he has decided to be engaged to her versus be in a relationship with her. Finally, did he want to be engaged to you initially and you weren’t ready?
Kanya
Hi Bete, Hmmmm. I agree with what Heidi shared in that if someone doesn’t have romantic feelings towards someone else there really isn’t anything to build upon. How long were the two of you dating?
Kanya
Hi Celestine, that is a great question! There are several ways to do this but the simplest is to send him a text asking for help! Before you do that please know what you are asking him for so that you are not caught off guard when he responds. You can ask him something related to something he knows a lot about. Perhaps something that needs to get fixed at your home since this is his field of work? You can also ask his opinion about something he has shared a lot about with you. Think about something that he shared with you, something he enjoyed talking about. Then ask him about that subject. If he talked about music, ask for his suggestion about what music to explore. If he talked about food, ask him something related to that. If he talked about a book that he really liked, ask him to remind you of the name so that you can read it. Does that make sense?
How is your nanny position going these days?
Kanya
Hi Marieta, There are lots of ways to ignite his hero instinct. First, before you send the “I need your help” text you need to know what you are going to ask for. Then, when he responds to your text, ask him. It doesn’t have to be physical, you could ask him to remind you of the name of a restaurant you like, the name of a movie, or anything related to something he is really good at. If you don’t let him know how he can help once he responds then you aren’t really igniting his hero instinct. Make sense?
I definitely encourage you to build slowly and beware of jumping back into any kind of relationship, including a sexual connection. Let things evolve naturally and make him work for this a bit so that he will value it long term. There are a lot of articles on the “Irresistible Insights” page that will give you some ideas to implement in the next few months! Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, So glad that you are on the forum!
I agree that given that the two of you have only been out a few times he is keeping his options open. I hope you are doing the same! Also remember that what he means by interested might be different than that you mean as interested. Is he going slow because he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship at this time, because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship long term etc. Given that you have only been out with him a few times I sense that there is still a lot to learn.
Have you checked out the “Irresistible Insights” page? There are many articles by James that help you take dating to commitment and commitment to wow. I suggest you take a look, read 3-4, and then start to implement the suggestions!
Kanya
Hi Tasha, Hmmmm. I am sorry that this is occurring. I’m wondering if you would be willing to share more information about this situation.
1. how long were you dating/in a relationship?
2. Was there disagreements or arguments during the relationship?
3. DO you see what he means when he says you are not compatible?I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It sounds like you are clear that your ex is not someone that you want to go back to. You mentioned in an earlier post that he may pursue you at this time. I’m wondering what you could do to really show him, and yourself, that that door is closed? Perhaps it is something to start to think about now just in case.
I also support you in not putting your romantic life on hold for B. You are an amazing woman and if he isn’t ready or able, no need to wait around. In my experience, when we let ourselves be open to new possibilities and adventures the Universe has a way of bringing amazing possibilities your way!
Kanya
Hi Dana, Unfortunately you may never know which is really frustrating. I wonder if things were bothering him for awhile but because he is a poor communicator he didn’t talk about them> Is this a possibility? If you think back were there small comments he made rather than arguments or upsets? I don’t want to encourage you to overthink but I think there might be more here if you consider he is a poor communicator and may have been saying this in an indirect manner because being direct is difficult.
If you really want to try, then you do think you will need to accept that this is what he does when he is upset. You shared that ‘this is not the guy I know’ but the reality is this is a part of him that is present and strong and will continue to surface. Overtime it can be very difficult and can take it’s toll emotionally.
If you want to move forward then I suggest starting to implement the Relationship Rewrite Program that you just finished reading. I would be sure to move very slowly as he is in his cave right now and may need more time before he is ready to communicate. What would the first step in that program be for you?
Kanya
Hi Alena, I am so sorry. I can understand why this was so difficult. I also have sooo much empathy for your son as this was probably a big change for him as well.nWas there any kind of disagreement or argument that occurred between the two of you that may have contributed to the break-up? When he said he ‘wanted something else’ did he share what it was he wanted, what wasn’t working for him, etc? I’m asking so that maybe we can figure more of this out and have some closure. The reason I say closure is because I don’t really trust someone who did this to you once to knot do this to you again. Please share more if there is more to share.
Kanya
Hi Keila, Wow, you go girl. I really hear the strength and clarity on your words. Sometimes we fear doing something but once we take the step we feel relieve and freedom. Sounds like you might be having that experience right now. I am sorry that he was so detached throughout the marriage. I can understand how upsetting that is from a similar experience when I was married. I remember that I used to wonder what was wrong with me, was I doing something that caused the distance. Over time I got angry as well and that became his excuse for distancing. The thing is, he was distant before I got angry so even though he tried to blame it all of me I had a lot of amazing friends who reflected the reality back to me.
Now really is a time of healing and contemplation for you. You did a great job of finding someone who would provide financial support to your family and that is no small thing. I envision you upgrading to a new relationship-in time- that satisfies you on many more levels! Please make taking care of you a priority. Your kids are lucky yo have a mom as attentive and tuned in as you! Remember we are here to support you so please keep in touch!
Kanya
