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Hi Debbie, I really empathize with what you are going through. It certainly is all consuming to take care of aging parents. It can start to feel like we are disappearing in those situations and I certainly don’t want you to disappear. A couple of things come to mind in terms of developing companionship. First, do you have any family, siblings and/or cousins that you could spend more time with? Perhaps you could reconnect with some of your friends from work. Even though you haven’t seen them or spent time with them perhaps you could meet for the occasional walk or coffee? I also think there are support groups in your area that cater to care givers. This could be a great place to meet other care givers who will understand what your are going through who are also looking for friendships and support. I think it is important to try to develop relationships in several different areas so that you aren’t dependent on one avenue for all of your needs.
In terms of your fathers friend I think it is important to get to know him slowly. It sounds like he might be looking for more than friendship given his flirtatiousness. When he comes to the house I think it is a great idea to ignite his hero instinct to see how he will respond. I think you are wise in wanting to determine if he can be taken seriously. That is something that will take time to figure out. It you start by focusing on a friendship first you may get a better idea of what he is like and what he is open for in terms of a relationship. Let know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, that is really great! I acknowledge you for putting yourself out there and stepping outside of your comfort zone! WE are looking forward to hearing how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Ughhh. I’m so sorry that things have unfolded in this way. 5 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone and I can tell that a lot was invested in the relationship. Even if you weren’t married you functioned as a family. I hear that things seemed to be positive and solid until he broke up with you but I’m wondering if there are some clues that things were not working with him for awhile? WAs he distancing before you needed to move? Had he been talking about needing more of you or wanting to be closer or wondering if the two of you were a good match?
I wonder if there is a part of him that is wanting a fresh start in his life for some reason. There is certainly so much wonder and romance in thinking that the Universe has brought your soul mate into your life. It doesn’t take into account the reality that managing day to day life is stressful with any partner. It is impossible to know what life will be like with that person until you have experiences stress and see how you each react. Has he considered how he wants to move forward with the kids, their relationships with each other as well as how the two of you will interact with each others children?
Please share any history of discord and the things that he complained about over the years and perhaps we can get a clearer picture of what is happening for him as it clearly has many levels!
Kanya
Emilie, PARIS! #jealous!
You are really handling this well! I am so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself as well. Have a great trip and keep us posted. We’re here for you!
Kanya
Hi Renee, I really acknowledge the shifts that you are making. While this has been difficult it seems as if you are really committed to working on yourself while understanding him more. I love that you are learning to just be with him and be present. Life is so full and stressful that just being present with someone is a gift these days!
It is interesting that he is wanting to spend time with him dad on his own. I am hoping that this is a time of healing for him and his dad that will benefit everyone in his life in the future. There may also be things that he or his dad need to discuss privately. I am hoping that all is well with his dad and that this is a positive on all levels.
I’m so glad that your daughter is feeling better. I understand how difficult it can be when you have a child who isn’t doing well, who is dealing with SI. It can be so frightening. It sounds like things have quieted down for now and I hope that she is open to getting professional support at some point. Since he is away this weekend what are you doing to support yourself and create more joy in your life?
Kanya
H Diana, I am so glad that you shared some of your thoughts! It is really actually helpful for me to understand you more. You ask a great question about parenting; that all parents say those things to their kids. Actually, some parents do that and some do not. There are 3 basic types of parenting:
Permissive parenting is when parents allow their kids to do just about anything without boundaries or structure.
Authoritarian parenting occurs when parents want their kids to do what they want without hesitation. They don’t much care for their children having their own personalities. They tend to over punish, be critical, and withdraw love and approval when disappointed.
Authoritative parenting is more balanced, loving, and supportive. They allow fun, creativity, expression and let their kids know what the limits are. When their kids cross the boundaries they talk about what happened, explained the importance of the limit, and help kids learn how to make better decisions.
It sounds as though your parents were more Authoritarian which has led to you treating yourself, and possibly others, in that way. Telling a child that you won’t love them if they aren’t nice is very harsh. Children need to know that they are loved even when their parents do not like their behavior, especially when their parents are upset or frustrated.
No matter what type of parents we have, we tend to internalize their voice. That means that when you are upset, you become critical of yourself. What if, the next time you are feeling bad, you hold on to a pillow or a stuffed animal and do your best to say some nice tings to yourself. I know that it won’t feel believable at first, but I’m more interested if it feels good. We all have these younger parts inside of us that need to be loved and supported unconditionally. As you learn to give that to yourself you will be less dependent on getting that feeling from others. That is an amazing feeling! I love that you tried giving that to yourself at work this week. It is great that you recognized that you felt a little better. TO me you are off to a great start! Do you think you can continue to share this love with yourself?
Kanya
Hi Renee, I want to echo Heidi’s voice and say that you are an amazing woman! You are committed to your healing and growth 100% which is unusual to say the least. I am excited for how this is affecting you, your kids, your partner, and all around you! As one of my teachers and mentors says “When one person heals an issue, all of humanity is affected.”
So, how was dinner and ice cream last night?
Kanya
Hi Diana, I am sorry that this didn’t work out. You pose a great question. I think that it is really important to learn to love yourself and become your own biggest fan. That means that you feel good about you even when someone doesn’t call, or text. Even when someone decides to not date anymore. I know that might seem strange because many of us are taught to value ourselves only when a man shows love to us. The reality is, we all deserve love even when we aren’t in that romantic relationship. Being lovable isn’t something that turns on and off. it is something that is always present no matter what.
Given that you start to dislike yourself and feel ugly my sense is that there is room for you to start to love yourself unconditionally. Have you ever considered where you learned to judge yourself in that way? Usually it is something that we learn when we are small children. Sometimes, without realizing it, parents can encourage us to feel good when we are doing the ‘right’ thing and to feel bad when we are doing the ‘wrong’ thing. The reality is, we are lovable and valuable no matter what.
I would encourage you to start to pay attention to your thoughts. What kinds of things do you think about yourself? When you have critical thoughts, see if you can soften them to something kinder and more encouraging. Over time you can change your thinking and the way you speak to yourself. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Tamika, I am glad that you enjoyed your time together. Please do take care of yourself as this is still a precarious situation. Even in what you shared you are making more of an investment with your time, and your finances, then he is willing to make. I love that you are doing small things for him and showing him that you can communicate effectively and that you are learning to manage your emotions in a mature manner. Move slowly, take care of yourself, and see what unfolds.
As Heidi shared above, in order to heal a relationship you must start by healing yourself so I am glad that you have an appointment scheduled with a therapist set up for next week!
Kanya
H Merk, Let me do some perception checking It sounds like you were friends for about a year, then dating for a few weeks, then he got busy and distant. Is that accurate? For now, I would stop reaching out to him. Just start to focus on you and give him the opportunity to notice that you no longer seem interested. He needs to be ready to take the lead in this. When one person is initiating the other may move away in response. IF the initiator stops, then he has the opportunity to change direction and become more interested.
Have you tried to initiate his hero instinct? That is the only reason I would reach out to him at this point. I would wait a bit, then think of something that he could help you with. At this point it is better that he help answer a question or make a suggestion rather than helping with something in person. Think of your question then send him a text that says “I need your help.” When he responds, ask the question. Once he answer it say something like “Thank you so much for your help. You’re the best!” Then let it go. This small interaction will ignite a part of him that wants to help and may ignite more. It’s important to give him time to miss you. It may take longer than you think but I sense he will reach out to you a week or so after igniting his hero instinct.
It is also important tat you not put all your eggs in one basket. What are you doing to meet new guys? Have you been on any dates since all of this occurred? You may not meet your soul mate but it would be good to at least have interest in other men so that some of the pressure is off of this working. Make sense?
Kanya
HI Gwen, I am sorry that your heart is hurting. It is so disappointing when something exciting doesn’t go the way we planned. I think that taking a step back, as you did with his last text, is appropriate. When you see each other at work you can be respectful and professional but let him know that this door to more is closed.
Sometimes, when a relationship ends, it is a good time to consider what is next for you? Any goals you are ready to move forward with? Any projects you’ve been wanting to start? And of course, now is the time to take care of you!
Kanya
Hi Dana, You are doing such a great job, I am really proud of you!
For now I think you keep doing the same which is nothing! He was gone for 2 weeks. He’s gonna have to do and give a lot more before he gets you back in his life like nothing happened. My guess is he will keep reaching out to you and will shortly ask to see you. If you say yes he will see you, ask as though nothing really happened, and most likely want things to go back tot he way they were. The thing is, I get the sense that you were starting to enjoy your life and enjoy getting to know yourself better. You were also doing a great job learning to work through your feelings of being abandoned. I wonder if perhaps taking more time for you is in order at this time? What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Marguerite, Thanks for sharing more information-it really is helpful. As I was reading what you shared I became aware of the degree to which this guy allows life to happen to him. Does that make sense? Initially it might seem like this woman has moved in and taken over but the truth is, he has allowed that. He is creating his life in a passive manner but you need to give him the credit for how things have turned out. Yes, it sounds like he was influenced by his kids but ultimately he is living with this women and it is his choice even if it doesn’t seem that way. Hi behavior to you is unfair in that he is the only person who can do something to change things but he is acting helpless. It sounds like this gives you the sense that under the right conditions things would be different. I can understand this thought and desire, I really can. The thing is, if he wanted things to be different they would be different. I believe he wants both of you but has chosen to take the path of least resistance.
Until he actually takes his home back and asks her to leave I think that attempts to win him back will be fruitless. While he makes it sounds like he is trapped, he isn’t. Ultimately you deserve to be with someone who has no doubt that you are the one he wants. And, you deserve to be with someone who will make that happen! I know this isn’t what you had hoped to hear. I’m wondering what you think about what I’ve shared?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Well I would wait at least 24 hours to respond! He is taking his time and so can you. Give yourself a little distance. When you do respond, sharing something funny seems like a great idea! Keep it short and sweet. If he responds, wait a few days as he has done. You want him to start to wonder where you went. For women that would feel mean but for men that can often trigger the desire to reconnect. Give it a try and see how he responds. You’re doing great!
Kanya
Hi Marguerite, This certainly is a complicated situation. I’m really glad that you are here. I’m a bit confused and am hoping that you can clarify some things for me. You shared that this woman had been making a play for your man, correct? So, why is it that she felt it was okay to move into his home? Was he dating both of you at the same time and she decided it was time for him to choose?
It is difficult to figure out how to get him back when he has allowed her to literally take over his home and his life. Do you think he is torn, do you think she is taking advantage of the situation? You shared about his age but how old is she?
Kanya
