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Hi Emilie, Thanks for checking in! I acknowledge you for putting yourself out there and being en to meeting someone new. He (P) sounds like he could be a good guy. Just be sure to take your time and spent a lot of face to face time getting to know him. It’s super easy to see the connections right now but the challenge with that is you are imagining so much of this right now. Do you guys have plans to meet?
Kanya
Hi Zihong, I’m really glad you re here, welcome! It sounds like you have been on a bit of a roller coaster since laying eyes on this man. The first two weeks were fast and furious and then he disappeared. That much be very confusing. I can understand that you want to understand this but I wonder if you are going about it in the most effective way. The reality is, you could spend a lot of time trying to figure him out. On some level that may be comforting and on other levels it could lead to even more frustration and confusion. The truth is, unless he has insight into his behavior and explains it to you then your thoughts are simply guesses about what happened.
I think you would be more effective in considering your strong reaction to him. You shared that you are addicted to him after spending just a few hours with him. That is a reaction to the chemical soup swimming around your head. It’s the chemical reaction to feeling awake and alive when you meet someone you feel that intense connection with. The thing is, it takes time to get to know a person and to see who they are through the chemical soup. Everyone has their imperfections and flaws. That is just human nature. We need to spend time with someone and get to know all of them, imperfections and all. Right now you are still in the fantasy phase of this person. You know very little about him, who is is, how he lives his life. I wonder if, on some level, it is easier to imagine a relationship with him then to take a chance at meeting someone who you could have an actual relationship with. In this scenario, he will remain the perfect guy, the one. You won’t have to deal with him when he is cranky, when the two of you disagree, and when he has feelings about his parents and his childhood. While it is limited, it is easier than dealing with the complexities of an actual relationship.
In terms of how his parents and childhood affected him, it is difficult to say. He can absolutely be a good person even if his parents did bad things. The challenge is, that type of childhood can leave scares and wounds that are sometimes difficult to see. I wonder if part of his reaction to his childhood is to disappear when he gets uncomfortable? Perhaps he has feelings coming up and instead of talking to you about them, he left instead? Sa I shared earlier we can’t know for sure but I do think that someone who grew up in that situation might have some challenges with relationships.
I realize this is a lot to throw at you and probably not what you had hoped to hear. Perhaps it is time to stop for now to give you a chance to process what I am sharing and to respond? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I think you are doing great! All that you are feeling is normal to some degree! Yes, he could stop everything if he wanted to but guess what? You could as well! We don’t know if you will like him in person, feel that spark, want to move on, etc. It is important to realize that this is a 2 way street and that you both are decision makers in all of this!
There is a great book that I recommend a lot that I believe will be helpful for you. It is called “A Fine Relationship” by Judith Sills. In it she describes the natural stages of a developing relationship as well as the fears that can get in the way. She normalizes these fears and gives suggestion about how to heal and move forward. I highly recommend you read it as it will help the process you are in!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Interesting conversation! So, you have been here before-thinking about him when you don’t want to! What did you do in the past that you found helpful? This is going to happen from time to time so it is good to start to get clear on what tools help you feel you are in control of your thinking!
Kanya
Hi Diana, that is great that you are giving to yourself in that way. What a wonderful gift you are giving yourself. I can understand you’re wanting a nice man in your life. I promise, the more you love yourself the more likely you are to be attracted to men that will treat you well! And, the more you love yourself the less likely you are to feel unlovable if that nice man isn’t available, is having a bad day, or the two of you decide to go your separate ways. You are on the way to understanding that you are worthy or love and affection regardless of what anyone else is doing!
I love the Law of Attraction! I do think that imagining that relationship is important but remember that real relationships have difficulties at times and that people are imperfect. I don’t want you to have unrealistic expectations of the process. Another way to go is to start to think about the feelings and inner experience you will have when that special guy is in your life. That way, as I understand the Law of Attraction, you will change your vibration which will help to attract the experiences you want! Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Elza, Welcome to the forum. We’re so glad you are here! Thanks for sharing your story. I’d like to reflect a few things back to you. First, you were initially hesitant but went with it because he was so sure. I would always say trust your gut on these things. We don’t always know why our gut is sending us the message but from my experience it is always wise to listen.
You shared that after a few months of communicating you both felt like you had met the one. The thing is, no matter how much you communicate long distance, you just san’t completely know what the connection is like until you’ve spent a lot of time together. Who we are on the phone, or in the beginning of the relationship is not an accurate reflection of who anyone is 6 months or year in to a relationship. As a result, I get the sense that hopes were high that this would be the one versus hopes being high that you would enjoy spending time together.
Wonder if he felt some pressure to know what he wanted so quickly? Rather than getting into something he wasn’t sure of, he opted out even though the two of you have feelings fr each other. Do you think that is a possibility? Have you guys talked about a middle ground? Maybe see yourself as dating but also seeing other people until things become more clear etc? I’m not sure f you are open to that but I wanted to mention it as an option.
On thing that I find confusing is that he isn’t ready for a relationship and just wants to fuck around for the time being. WAs he thinking he wanted to do that before the two of you got involved?
Kanya
Hi Marietta, I am sorry that he couldn’t get it together. It sounds like this occurs frequently. When the two of you decided to be official, was he acting in this manner? If so, did the two of you talk about expectations, needs, etc. I guess I’m asking because he seems to be treating you like a hook up or someone he is casually dating rather than his girlfriend. As a result, I’m wondering what the conversations were like before the two of you became ‘official?’
In terms of letting go; I think that is different for everyone. My concern in this situation is that he continues to not show up even when the two of you have plans. YEs, sometimes he will need to reschedule but this seems like the norm these days. Is it starting to feel that way to you as well?
Kanya
HiMelissa, I’m glad you are doing better! IT is so important to care care of you at this time. I really understand your reaction towards her. It seems like she really didn’t understand the nature of your relationship. I do wonder if he was honest with her about things or if he painted it differently. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time something like that occurredI’m starting to get the sense that a lot of their connection is sexual in nature. That will only take them so far. They will need to build a more solid foundation for things to work. Remember, right now they are in the la la phase where everything is wonderful and they don’t have to negotiate real life together. Things may start to fall apart when reality sets in.
I think you did a great job communicating in your last text. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you given all that you are feeling right now. I wonder if your next text should be more simple. Maybe send something letting him know that you really appreciated something about the relationship and that you are sorry for not telling him sooner. You can add something like “I know that we aren’t going back but I wanted to make sure you knew how grateful I am for the time together.” And leave it at that? Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Rosemary, Yes, this is a lot. I’m really glad you are on the sight asking for insight and support!
There could be many things happening to bring this on like depression or bi=polar disorder as you shared. You also mentioned that it might be meth. Can you share more about why you believe this is a possibility? Does he have a history of meth us or other drug use in the past. In the past was he open to helping you when you asked? I’m wondering if his reaction to your requests is a new one or part of his general responses to you?
I’m also wondering what you know about his affair; the length of time it has been going on, how frequently he sees this person etc? Did his drifting away coincide with him starting or intensifying the affair?
More information would be helpful. Thanks! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Rosemary, Yes, this is a lot. I’m really glad you are on the sight asking for insight and support!
There could be many things happening to bring this on like depression or bi=polar disorder as you shared. You also mentioned that it might be meth. Can you share more about why you believe this is a possibility? Does he have a history of meth us or other drug use in the past. In the past was he open to helping you when you asked? I’m wondering if his reaction to your requests is a new one or part of his general responses to you?
I’m also wondering what you know about his affair; the length of time it has been going on, how frequently he sees this person etc? Did his drifting away coincide with him starting or intensifying the affair?
More information would be helpful. Thanks! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I am so sorry that this is happening! Let’s deal with some safety issues first. Is your boyfriend in treatment for depression? If not, it is important that he get help asap. Any one who is that serious about hurting himself needs help getting balanced again and thinking clearly. Is he open to going to a crisis center or even calling crisis center at this point? This needs to be addressed before the relationship can be w worked on. Can you please respond?
Kanya
Hi Rong, I am so sorry that you’ve had difficulty in the past with this. It is more than reasonable to say you don’t want to have sex on the first date! Many people just jump in before they even know each other and that is not really a good idea. I do think that it would be okay to hold hands if that is something you are open to. The most important thing is that you know yourself and communicate your needs.
If someone tries to kiss you, you can turn your head a bit so that they kiss your cheek. If they try again you can let them know that you like to know someone better before you kiss them. In order to avoid sex on the first date, or subsequent dates, be sure to meet your date rather than having them come to your house. If, in the future, they do pick you up and drop you off, don’t invite them in. If they start to come in on their own let them know that you have an early meeting or that you have a friend stying with you. There are many things you can think of that would let them know that your home is off limits to them. If you see them on a few dates you will have talked about needing to wait until you get to know them a lot better. Tell them that sex will not be happening until you are ready. If a man cannot respect that and stops calling then he really isn’t the type of guy you want to be dating! Trust me, there are many men in the world who are far more intrigued by a woman that wants to wait.
Physical contact doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Holding hands and kissing when you are ready are things you can do for months before you have sex with someone. In this situation are you more concerned with your jumping ahead or the guy jumping ahead?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, No doubt this is a difficult situation! It sounds as though he made the decision on his own to leave and really worked it through in his mind before he said anything. As a result, you are far behind him in terms of processing this. He’s out and you are still, understandably, trying to figure out how to make things work again. His words tell you that you will stay connected to the kids but his actions say something different.
In this type of situation, where the words and actions contradict each other, I always suggest that you turn down the volume and pay attention to the behavior. What is he communicating with you? I know that is difficult but it is important. It sounds like right now he is not open to seeing you. Is that correct? Is it possible that you could take a bit of a break and then send a text in a week or so that ignites his hero instinct? It might be a good place to start because right now my sense is he expects you to behave in a certain way which is why he is avoiding you. If you show him that you are no longer focused on getting him to reengage I wonder if he would be more open to communicating.
Now, the most important thing- it is imperative that you begin to take care of yourself! That needs to be your priority. You’re weight has dropped to a dangerous level and that needs to be address asap. If you are having a difficult time finding the motivation to do it for you then let yourself do it for your kids. They’ve already lost a parental figure. They need to see that you are there an can handle this. Even if you re sad they need to see your strength. They need to see that everything really is going to be okay! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, This is great. I acknowledge all you are doing to educate and prepare yourself for a loving relationship. I can totally understand that it is pushing you outside of your comfort zone – how could it not? Anyone in your situation would have insecurities coming up. That happens naturally when we are dating and in relationship. Add to that the fact that it has been a long time and of course you are feeling a lot these days!
It sounds as though the two of you have talked about feeling nervous. Whether you’ve known each other for a few days or a few months it is always different when you meet face to face. I wouldn’t worry about trying to hide being nervous. Be honest and be yourself. He likes the person he has gotten to know so far and there is every reason to think that this friendship will grow. Yes, you will need to spend time together to determine if you like each others company and to see how things develop but that is okay!
Start with something easy for your first meeting. Plan a fun activity that you can do while the two of you become more comfortable. My sense is you will both be a bit nervous at first given the situation. You also mention some fears that you will need to face head on. Can you share more about this fear? I’m wondering if these same fears have made it difficult for you to date for the past 30 years? Looking forward to hearing more!
Kanya
Hi Renee, Wow, this is amazing. I really applaud your insight and awareness. You are doing amazing work!
I do want to reflect back to you something that you shared a few times-that you think a lot! I can see that in your words and energy at times. While that is a wonderful quality, I wonder if over thinking is also related to control in some ways? Often times we over think so that we can try to determine all the possible outcomes and details of a situation. That over thinking mind thinks “If I can figure it all out, I will be prepared to manage it.” In my experience this is exhausting and not very affective. The reality is, even if we think of many possibilities we are no more able to manage them. In fact, wearing ourselves out mentally often makes us less capable of handling difficult situations. It raises our stress level and gives us a false sense of control.
My suggestion is to instead feed the part of you that knows you are strong enough and capable enough to handle anything that comes your way! Over time give yourself permission to worry less and wonder less! When those thoughts come, let them know that you are safe and that it is handled. Let that part know that it is now free to to help you in another way that you would find more effective. Do you want to be reminded to relax, take better care of yourself, trust? Think about what you would like to cultivate and give this aspect of yourself a new job! Does that make sense?
Kanya
