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Hi Renee, WOW! You are having so many amazing awarenesses. Even though there seems to be many factors, I’m wondering what you would say has been helpful to you in attaining this clarity? I love that you are in such a balanced place. Even as you talk about him staying at work due to the weather I get how calm you are about it. That anxiety and fear seems to have disappointed-well done! I imagine life feels much more manageable as a result!
It sounds as though your trip tp California will be amazing. I love that so much of the focus is on personal growth. The things is, when we make our relationship with ourselves priority one, everything else in life has a way of falling in to place! Please keep us posted and have an amazing time!
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I’m so sorry that this has occurred! I’m glad you are here for support. If I understand you correctly, you were dating for a total of 6 months. In months 4 and 5 you felt a deeper connection even though he started to pull away at the end of month 4. Can you think of anything that precipitated him pulling away? Was one of you more open about wanting more and feeling as though you might be falling for the other? Any arguments of disagreements that occurred? Let me know if you can think of anything that may have interrupted things for the two o you.
I get that you are now friends. Still, are you doing things to ignite his hero instinct? You know, asking for help in small ways, asking for his opinion etc? How about implementing the respect principle and sharing small compliments? Can you share what you are doing now as an attempt to rebuild?
Kanya
Hi Wendy, That is tough! I am so sorry that this is happening. The thing that I’m wondering about is did anything happen, an argument or disagreement, prior to him changing?
Kanya
Hi Lola, I’m glad that you checked in! I think you have the right idea; determining what is best for you and best for your kids is number one on your priority list! Any ideas about what direction you are heading with that in mind?
Kanya
Hi Erica, I hear how complicated this is. I guess what occurs to me first is perhaps it is important to figure out what you really want. I wonder if you really are falling in love with him and are holding back out of fear and concern. I can’t say what it is but it is super important for you to figure it out and be honest with yourself. That is the first place to start.
Next, I think that it is important to just talk to him about it. As you shared, you’ve been friends for 6 years. You need to be able to be honest with each other and figure this out. If you don’t then that might mean the end of the friendship. How would you feel about that?
Kanya
Hi Keila, I am glad you are here. I’m glad that the two of you are considering reconciling. It does sound like you are both interested but understandably concerned. You mention one thing that may not be very realistic; not talking about the past. If the challenges of the past are not resolved then the two of you will keep bringing them up until you have a resolution. That is human nature. So, some things from the past will need to b talked about a resolved. I’m wondering if you both are open to working with a therapist who can help the two of you let go of the past and create a future together?
Remember, we don’t have poser over other people but we do have power over our own behavior and decisions. What types of things are you wanting to change or improve on? What ever they are you can only ‘convince’ him by showing him that you are working on those things and improving. What if, instead of reassuring him that the past won’t ever come up you reassure him that you will respond differently when it does? Does that make sense?
In terms of igniting his hero instinct, what can you ask him to do for you that would be helpful? What can you ask his opinion on? What do you admire about him that you can compliment?
Kanya
It sounds like you are really starting to get it, Ana! Being yourself is the best place to start and building a friendship is the second place to start. If you wouldn’t feel pressure about a new friendship then you don’t need to feel pressure here. That is the focus so just enjoy it for now!
Kanya
Hi Tracy, You ask “Now what?” Well while we don’t know if there is still a chance for the two of you I think it is safe to say that unless you give him some space there won’t be any time for him to miss you and consider a future. Right now he is on information overload. You need to take a big step back and refocus. Yes, you want to be with him but he isn’t ready to be with you at this time. I know that is difficult but it is super important for both of you.
For you, you take a break and explore what happened for you, what made it difficult to chill a bot and give him an appropriate amount of space. I know that doesn’t sound like fun but it will be worth it. It is important to be able to know when to slow down and give someone space and be okay with that space.
For him, it shows him that you respect him. This is essential because without respect a man will have a difficult time feeling safe and open. Being in a relationship is something that 2 people need to decide on. And, two people need to explore how a relationship will work for both of you.
You mentioned that you may have done something like this in the past. Can you share ore about that as well as your intentions for dealing with frustration and or disappointment in the future?
Kanya
Hi Lori, I am so sorry to hear this is happening. You must be feeling very shell shocked at this point. It’s really important that you take care of yourself while this is happening; sleep, eat, create a team that will help you get through this!
It sounds like he was thinking about this for awhile and actually began pulling away at least 1 year ago. It was probably longer than that. Can you think of anything that occurred that caused him to begin to pull away?
KanyaHi Diana, To clarify, I don’t think Heidi as suggesting that you ask strangers for their opinions of you. My understanding is that she is suggesting you ask friends their opinion about things you might be too shy to consider. For instance, what do they think of a woman asking a man out or a woman flirting with someone she likes. Does that make sense?
I am so glad to hear that your customers reflect back such acceptance to you! That is wonderful. The reality is, you aren’t always going to feel like saying thanks or being super friendly. You get to just be you and it sounds like that is enough and amazing! Go to the top of the page and click on the “Irresistible Insights” page. There are many reports on talking to men, flirting, etc. Take a look and start reading! Can’t wait to hear what you think!
Kanya
Hi Ashley, I am glad that you are here! Would you be willing to share some additional information so that I can better understand the situation?
How long were you together?
When did you break up and what facilitated the break up?
Do you have children together and if so how old are they?
If you do have children together how does visitation work?It is important to realize that as a people pleaser he may just be trying to please you in those conversations versus having a clear plan. IT sounds like he either doesn’t know what he wants or won’t be honest about it.
Kanya
Hi Zihong, I can related to what you are sharing! I used to be the same way. I found that as I really learned to love and care for myself, it was easier for me to date and get to know someone. I became comfortable with trusting myself and trusting my gut. Once I did that and truly learned to act on my gut things changed a lot!
I love that you know that there is a part of you that is fearful of getting to know someone. Given your experiences that makes lot of sense! I think that you could absolutely learn to do this if you were with someone who was willing to actually show up. Unfortunately, I don’t get the sense that this person is going to be consistent enough for you to work through this process. Does that make sense? I’m wondering, do you let your friends in? Do you let yourself get close to them?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, SO glad you are here. This sounds incredibly frustrating. I totally get that you care for him and are going that things can get back on track. The thing is, I see few red flags here that I want to share. First, when you wanted to go slowly he really pushed to go more quickly. That meant that the relationship developed more quickly than you were comfortable. Then, he started to get anxious and instead of talking about things he disappeared. I get the sense that this is a coping mechanism that he employs when he starts to feel over whelmed of out of his depth. It is interesting that the more inconsistent he is, the more you want him. That was the key for me as this is a pattern associated with avoidants ie:someone who avoids actual commitment and closeness. Yes, he wanted it at the beginning but once he got too close he runs. My guess is this is a pattern of his and you aren’t the first women that he has done this to.
The things with avoidants is, they are good at timing their communication. Like you shred above, when you would delete his contact or take a sep back he would suddenly contact you. They have this kind of timing that makes us feel like your connection is meant to be. Then, then just into the relationship quickly and assure you that it is safe for you to do so as well. Then, once you get all comfortable and secure they disappear. Does this sound familiar?
As a matter of fact, he is so avoidant that you are feeling insecure and anxious in a way that is unfamiliar to you. That is a red flag. Being with someone who triggers this for you so early in the relationship will most likely lead to a lot of ups and downs. Here is a video that will help explain attachment styles in more detail. Please take a look and then check back in and share your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Renee,
I can totally understand why you are triggered today. In fact, you mentioned it above “I think my own history has my scared little girl feeling abandoned, left and ignored in the corner.” Bingo. When anyone is this triggered it is most likely because a younger part of them is feeling alone and unlovable. So, how to you combat that? You go to that corner in your mind, pick up that little girl, and hold her. Let her know that she is not abandoned! You are there and all you want to do is love and support her. Reconnect with what was comforting to you at that age and give that to yourself. For instance, I’m a very affectionate and that is how I like to be comforted when I am upset. Unfortunately, neither of my parents are affectionate so when I am upset I like to hug a pillow while I am talking to that young one inside of me. It helps to feel as though I am holding her and I find it comforting.
When you were small what did you find comforting? A gentle touch, kind words, being heard? What ever it was, this is what you need to bring to that little girl inside of you who feels abandoned!
In terms of the engineer. Its really fine to tell him that now isn’t a good time for you to be dating and to leave it at that! You don’t need to give him further explanation. He may be disappointed but that is okay. We are all disappointed sometimes and all have the capacity to get through it!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, That is great. Snow in Paris-that must be so beautiful!
For now I would let him propose the plans since he said he was going to ask you! You can sit back, be your amazing self, and let him pursue you! This is something that men need to do to really value what they are building. Keep us posted!
Kanya
