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Hi Christina, I am so glad that you are here! I am going to be frank with you-this time is not going to be any different than the last times he did this. No different. Not at all. I now that might feel harsh but it is important that you understand who this man is and what he is truly capable of. I believe the past predicts the future and in this situation it is clear. When he feels too close he will become distant again and you will find yourself in the middle of the pattern one again.
Yes, he hurts you when he does that but more importantly, you hurt yourself every time you let him back in. That to me is far more concerning. The relationship we have with ourself is far more important that any relationship we have with anyone else. We need to know that we are going to be there for ourselves! WE need to know that we will trust our gut. We need to know that saying no to someone that treats us poorly is vital in building a trusting relationships the ourself!
Yes, he is good at suggesting that things will be different, there will be a new start. Ask yourself; has this ever been different? If the answer is no then I think you have your answer regarding how or if to respond to him. Honestly, at this point he hasn’t;t done anything to warrant a response from you. How have you felt as you got closer and closer to being done with him? Have you noted a change in your enthusiasm for life? A change in your happiness level? A change in your confidence around men and hope for the future?
Kanya
Hi Beata, It is difficult to encourage you to move forward with this person given that you are both still married. It sounds as though things did move quickly. Telling him wife after a few weeks that he wanted to leave her for someone else is a big step. Leaving her because he no longer wants to be in that relationship is different than leaving her for someone he has just met-even when the feelings are as strong as what you describe.
I do acknowledge your awareness about being so self sufficient. It sounds like perhaps you weren’t sure how to let him in, how to let him be your hero. Have you changed that dynamic at this point? Are you asking for his help and allowing him to assist you and make your life a bit easier? Where do things currently stand between the two of you?
Kanya
Hi Eliza, I suggest you take things slowly! This was your initial instinct when you first stared to talk and given all that has happened I would pay attention. I am hesitant about him because he seems to change him mind and want what he doesn’t have. When you are apart he longs to be together. When you are together he isn’t ready for a relationship and just wants to fuck around. That is a red flag to me and I suggest you pay attention.
Has he shared what has changed for him and why he is now so keen on seeing you again? I think that is a question worth asking. You can do it in a playful, non-confrontational way. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Hampton, I am soooo sorry. The first thing I want to say is this; you do not have to do what he tells you to do. By this I mean, if he tells you that you must delete all of the pics of you together, well he doesn’t have the right to do that and you do not have to listen. You are in charge of those things in your life not him!
Him believing that he has the right to make these decisions for you points to a serious lack of maturity. He doesn’t get to determine when and how you let got of this and move on. That is your decision and your decision only. Of course he can set boundaries about how and if you communicate with him but he can’t determine your persona behavior that doesn’t really concern him.
You must be so devastated that he is responding in this manner. The information that you kept from him must have been very private, something you just weren’t comfortable sharing in general. The fact that he is using that against you now is an important piece of information for you! Yes, it is really painful but it also shows you that it would be difficult to show your vulnerabilities in a relationship with him. And believe me, we all have areas and situations that we feel vulnerable about! The fact that he believes everything would be ‘perfect’ is naive. No relationship is perfect. Being in a committed relationship requires a lot of determination and work-it doesn’t just happen.
Do you see that he is giving you a big mixed message? On the one hand he is saying he can’t be with you because you lied to him. On the other hand he tells you that if you had been a better liar things would be different. In other words, regardless of what you did about this situation you would have been doing the wrong thing.
I agree with Heidi in that you deserve to be with someone who accepts all of you! What are you doing to get support and encouragement at this time? Are you family and friends there for you? Do you have people in your life who remind you of how amazing you are?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, I so acknowledge you for your willingness to look at yourself and learn about who you are and ways that you would like to grow! That takes a lot of courage and conviction. Well done!
I hear that you are putting a lot of thought into this situation which on eat one hand is good and on the other hand may be overwhelming. When Heidi asked about your fears I think she may have been wondering about your past experiences with relationships and how that may be affecting you in this situation. Are there things that have occurred n the past that make it more difficult to maintain closeness with someone you are dating? Any reasons you can think of that may make it easier to push someone away then get close to them?
I think it is also important to look at the ways that he has created distance and ambiguity in this situation. It is important that we each take 100% responsibility in these situations. No, he isn’t here to do that but it is important that you recognize opportunities on both sides of the equation!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Have I ever mentioned that Emilie was my grandmothers name? Every time I see it I think of her so thank you!
Yes, I think that focusing on your holidays is a fantastic way to go. Forget the guys and have fun!!!
Kanya
Hi Miss P, I am so glad that you are here! I can understand how difficult this is for you and disappointing! It is wonderful to find someone that you feel such a connection with and very sad when there are road blocks to moving forward with that connection!
For now, the biggest road block seems to be distance! It seems as though he thought he would be moving to your area when the two of you first connected and now things have changed. You’re right in that the distance thing doesn’t work for everyone and it sounds as though it won’t work for him. Plus, the demands of his work are such that he really does need to focus on just himself and his work. I know that can be so disappointing when it isn’t what you want! I wonder if you walked away from he conversation with a different understanding of next steps. Perhaps he was surprised by your turn around? Perhaps he has decided to go a different direction. It is difficult to know and frustrating as a result. It does seem like he was being clear while you were offering different opportunities. May he didn’t feel heard in some way?
It sounds as though, in your conversation, he said that he was open to dating but also dating others. I can understand why this would not work for you. Some people can do that and others aren’t as comfortable. And I do applaud you for sticking up for yourself and saying that this was not going to work for you. It sounds as though this took a lot of courage. I encourage you to trust your gut on that. It just seems like the two of you want different things at this time.
I get that it seems like he was being rude and I wonder if he wasn’t sure how to communicate with you so he was perhaps stronger than he needed to be. Remember, he has never been in a serious, long term relationship before so communicating may still be challenging for him. But, when I read what you shared, it seems clear that what the two of you want differed. He can’t commit to an exclusive relationship and you can’t commit to moving forward and getting closer without a commitment.
Given that he may be moving to your town in 6-8 months what if you maintain some basic communication while pursuing other opportunities for dating. Since we can’t know what is going to happen in the future or how things will turn out can you imagine developing a friendship with him for now. This might mean that you only connect once a month or so but over time you could get to know each other a bit and see where things go. As I said, there isn’t the need to be excusing since you would be working on a friendship at this stage. I wouldn’t tell hm that is what you are doing, just staying in touch is an option.
You also have the option of letting this go. Given that he doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience and that the two of you don’t live int he same area it may be your best choice. The reality is, as much as you feel for him the two of you haven’t send a lot of time together. It sounds as though you’ve known each other for less than 2 months and have only seen each other a few times. You need to consider how much you are willing to invest in something so new. The two of you aren’t in the commitment stage yet so trying to build at a distance would be really difficult if not impossible given both or your schedules. I think the most difficult thing might be to not take any of this personally. I know that is hard given the circumstances. The reality is, the two of you really were at the starting line and it makes sense that it would be difficult to invest in a long distance relationship at this point. Does what I shared make sense?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It sounds like you are working through this in a really awesome way! I agree, the two of you have only met once and even though the two of you are connecting daily you aren’t close to being in an exclusive relationship. That will take time as it does for everyone.
For now, you need to be clear on what works for you in a non-exclusive situation. What are you boundaries and limits given this is so new and you both are talking to other people. Figuring that out now, and communicating that to him when it is appropriate, could save you a lot of confusion and upset. I suggest you take some time to think about it. Let us know what seems important.
Kanya
Hi Edwina, I hear how difficult this is f0r you! I noticed that initially, when he called to talk about his dad’s illness, you mentioned that you almost fell asleep as he was talking. Looking back at that time do you see how disconnected you were at that time? It seems like you had gotten your feet back under you and were living your life freely. Please realize that this was just 5 weeks ago! And now, through his confusion, you feel you are in love and don’t know what to do to walk away. Given how many confusing messages he gives you it seems rather easy – stop talking to him, stop seeing him, stop sleeping with him.
From my perspective 95% of his messages are: i need to focus on myself, I can’t have the distraction of a relationship, I am not ready, I can only offer friendship or the occasional sleep over with no emotional connection, I am taking pics of myself and sending them to other women even when you are in the same room with me, you are someone I used love. 5% of the communication is: I have conflicted feelings and I don’t want you to date anyone else.
I suggest you count out 100 pennies. place 5 on one side of the table and 95 on the other side of the table. Then assess which pile has more value. My guess is it won’t be very hard to determine. Unfortunately, relationships are more complicated. It sounds like you started to date him 6 years ago. He isn’t going to become the person you want and deserve. I’m sad and frustrated that he has pulled you in again when he has even less to offer you. He is tangling carrots in from of you and giving you NOTHING. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why you feel the need to help him get his life back on track. I get that you are a caring person but it is important to care for yourself at least as much, if not more, than you care for him. He is the only person that can turn his life around and you are the only person who can walk away from this person.
This type of person in what I call an emotional vampire. He will continue to take from you but won’t be able to give. I truly believe you deserve far more that this, Edwina. I know this is probably hard to hear but I’m wondering if it makes sense?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I agree. Both of these guys need to step up and put more effort in if they want to spend time with you! Maybe it is time to look for some new opportunities to meet a great guy?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, It sounds like you are keeping busy which is great! Are you reading some of the content on this site and considering what you would like to do differently in the future? I know that it can feel like a lot but sometimes just reading some content every few days and letting yourself think about it over time can be helpful.
I like that you haven’t really been thinking about him. Doesn’t it feel better to refocus on your life! I think a lot of people don’t feel the need to pay for some of the dating sites. I sense that when you are ready you will find the way to meet new people that works best for you! Looking forward to hearing about new adventures!
Kanya
Hi Zihong, I really want to a knowledge your self awareness and all that you are sharing. I find that introverts are more in touch in many ways because we are often more aware of the subtler levels inside of ourselves and others.
I am going to jump in and share what I see as the opportunities for increasing your self love. Self love can come in many forms. The most important thing is to learn to honor yourself and your needs. So, while you like being home and being in a routine (I totally get it) it is important to also take care of yourself in other ways. WE all need to socialize and connect so learning to put work or other productivity aside so you can spend time developing your friendships is important. There are so many health and emotional benefits to having a larger support system. You can reach out to friends and suggest time together doing things that you both enjoy. The reality is, at some point your mom won’t be here anymore. I know that is really difficult to think about but I don’t want you to feel isolated and alone in your life. Now is the time to start to develop more interests and more relationships.
As you start to let your friends in more, you will naturally develop an ability to manage being disappointed at times. That is going to happen because humans aren’t perfect. But, it is important for everyone to develop this life skill so that you can connect with others and even build a relationship in the future. Self love can also mean knowing when to take a break from being productive and just enjoy your down time. You mention that you enjoy reading. Have you considered joining a book club? They usually only meet once a month but it could be a nice way to connect with people who have similar interests.
Another way self love can happen is to learn to trust your gut regarding relationships. For instance, if you are dating someone and things aren’t working for you self love will help you express yourself. Self love will also tell you when it is time to leave a relationship. You learn to trust yourself even if it means disappointing another. The reality is, it is impossible to know if you are in the ‘right’ relationship until you have been in it for awhile. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out that doesn’t mean you made a mistake. It just means that it takes time to determine if you want to build a life with someone. It’s just not possible to answer those questions until you get to know someone and see how the two of you interact, if you want the same things, etc. It sounds like the last relationship wasn’t good for you. That happens to EVERYONE. What seemed to throw you off was that you weren’t willing to say not and walk away from the relationship. That is also an aspect of self trust-leaving something that doesn’t work for you even if it is difficult. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, Yes, you’ve got it! You don’t need to avoid running in to him because you get to live your life too! When you do see him be positive, friendly, and smile. Let him see that you are doing well on your own. Say something nice and welcoming like “It is nice to see you” or “You look great” and let it go at that for now. If he does text you and you respond that is a good time to share one appreciation with him and then let it go. For now try not to talk about the relationship or getting together, etc. You want to let some desire to be close to you build up inside of him at his pace for now.
I know you’ve been focusing a lot on changing some on you patterns. How is that going? Also wondering if you are interested in spending time with anyone new?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, I can understand why running into each other might feel strange. I don’t think ignoring him is the way to go. Instead, be friendly and polite with a little hint at flirting. You want to smile and make him remember how awesome you are but don’t pursue him. Let him reach out to you first as often as possible! That is far more interesting to a guy than being available and assuring you are interested. The more fun you can have with this the better! Does that make sense?
Kanya
