[Kanya D]

Hampton, You know that it is not possible, nor healthy to be exactly what someone desired every waking second. That is not the way to have a relationship. You both were imperfect, like everyone else on the planet. That is just reality. A good relationship doesn’t happen because people are perfect. It happens because people understand and accept imperfection and still love and respect each other.

There seemed to be several things working against you. It is important for you to remember that. Let me ask you a question. If he had been silent about a similar situation in his life would you have reacted in the same way when you found out? Would you have ended the relationship? Would you have felt that it was impossible to get past? It is really difficult to build a relationship with someone who can’t forgive and forget.

I hear that you have tried to do thinks to het over him but truly developing a relationship with yourself takes time! It won’t happen quickly as you have been doing things one way for many years. Have you considered working one on one with a counselor to help you move through this?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nina, I am sorry. I know that you had high hopes for where this could go. I do think you are wise to let this one go and focus your energies on a man who is respectful and loving. Even though this was difficult it sounds as though it was also a learning opportunity. It is always important to trust your gut! When someone behaves in a way that feels strange or unusual, trust it!

The good news is that this way so new my guess is it won’t be too difficult to move forward. If you think 6 months ahead of now, where would you like to be in terms of a romantic relationship?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Beata, I am so glad being on the forum has been helpful for you! It sounds like you really do have an amazing connection with this man. I really like that you are open to enjoying each other’s company even if you aren’t sure where things will end up. I remember reading reading a quote once that said something like “Expectations ruin relationships.” It sounds as though you don’t really have any expectations at this point which is positive. I also like that you are taking time for yourself! At this point, does your new relationship interfere with your husband? It sounds as though you and your husband aren’t currently living together but I am wondering how all of this fits together and if that fit is working for you?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Tracy, I agree that you need to stop. You have become so over focused on this. I know that wasn’t your intention but that is what has occurred. When we are bonded to someone and they go away it is really painful. Our brain reacts and wants that person and the comfort that came with that person back. So, it focuses on that person. Your job is to refocus! You can become the captain of your thoughts and when you do the pain will diminish.

Let’s talk about ways to let this go! When his face pops into your head, think of the face of someone that is in your life that is consistent and loving. You can also think of the face of a god, diety, or saint that is important to you. Keep replacing the image of his face with that of a loving or holy face. Let yourself breath is slowly and say things to yourself like:
it’s okay to let go
it is time to move on
I am loved more than I can comprehend by (God, the Universe, etc)
I was lovable long before I met him and I am lovable now
As I let go of my hopes for him I make room inside for something truly amazing
I deserve to feel love so I will think of all the love I have felt from family and friends

Keep breathing and focusing on these other sources of love. Realize that you are not going to get it from him so no need for your mind to keep thinking of him. When you find yourself fantasizing, get a piece of paper and write down the 10 things that hurt you the most or that you disliked the most about being with him. Remind yourself that there was a lot there that was both positive and negative. Begin to be more realistic in your thoughts about this person. If your friends think he p played you there is probably some validity to that.

Start to make directing your thoughts your priority. Make feeling better your priority. When you think of him ask yourself “Will doing this make me feel better, happier?” if the answer is no then redirect your thoughts. I know that it is difficult but you are the true source of love, not him, not anyone else. When you start to trust that you will start to fill yourself up with love and support. He will become less and let important! Des that make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Samantha, Ughhh. I can understand why you are frustrated! Can you share more about yourself? How old are you? Have you been in relationships before? Are you taking about a specific guy you are currently interested in?

Usually, when we are relegated to the friend zone a few things are happening. First, we are a good friend and a guy may not want to risk losing the friendship. Second, they may see us as one of the guys because we may not be connecting to our more feminine side. We could also be giving out mixed signals without realizing it. Did you find that at some point in your teens you began to look, feel, and act more feminine? AS an example, my daughter (who is 13) has a best friend who is super sporty. She used to wear her hair in a pony tail every day and refused to wear anything but shirts or pants. At some point in the fall she started to do her hair, think more about her clothes, do her nails, etc. She is still sporty but you can tell she is now putting more thought into how she looks, dresses, etc. She’s still friends with boys but also starting to have crushes etc? Just wondering where you re at in terms of expressing, and being comfortable with, your femininity? Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Amanda, I am so glad that you are here! I think a lot of women deal with this from one time to another. I can only imagine how difficult this has been. I’d like to get more information from you.
1. Did you have a parent who was a liar, either to you or other family members?
2. Is is possible that you ignore some of the red flags at the beginning of the relationship?
3. Have family and/or friends had concerns about men you dated before everyone found out they were dishonest?
4. Has the pattern changed or improved over the years i.e. fewer lies, etc?
5. Do you sometimes have a sense that someone is lying but they convince you that you are imagining things?
6. DO they lie about similar things or very different things?

I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Heng, I can understand that you want to have a relationship with him. It sounds as though he leads an exciting life that you admire. The challenge is, this is a very different situation than we usually see. Because he is a ‘superstar’ you can be sure that he has many women who are texting him. I don’t mean a few, I mean hundreds of women interested in him. And, for men in this position they usually prefer to enjoy the attention and lure of a number of women rather than settling down with one woman. I would also guess that with his career obligations it would be difficult for the two of you to actually spend the time together that you would need to to actually build a relationship. As Heidi shared above, it takes a lot of time together to fall in love. Time texting is not the same and will not allow the two of you to actually create that lasting relationship.

I agree with Heidi’s suggestion to let this one go. My question for you is, why aren’t you interested in any of the men who are interested in you? WAs this always the case or is it something that changed once you came in contact with this man? In the past have you ever anted the man who was less attainable and show a lack of interest to the men who are interested and available?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Hampton, I noticed that he gave you more mixed messages in that conversation. He said he didn’t love you, didn’t care for you anymore. He also said that if you maintained a friendship you might get some of what you want. I also hear him saying that this was an excuse to break up with you meaning he was thinking about breaking up and probably would have even if that didn’t happen.

To me this is a sign to stay clear of this person. Plus, the way this is making you feel means that there is a deeper connection that you need to forge with yourself. When you h ave that with yourself then you will obviously be hurt when a relationship ends but you won’t feel this lost. The main tether needs to be to yourself, no one else. Does this make sense? Let me know how I can help you develop that skill!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Nina, I need to start with something that may not feel very good to hear. The two of you have not developed a relationship enough to say that you are his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend. I feel you have jumped far ahead in this. We are talking about distancing from someone who appears to be using you for a sexual connection and now you are considering this a relationship. Do you see how this is off?

I agree, healthy relationships have boundaries. Being unconditional does not mean that one person always gets exactly what they want. There are two people involved here and both people need tot all about what they need and want. Saying that there can be no boundaries is a very scary scenario. There has to be boundaries, there has to be respect when one person says no to something. No one should be pushed into something that doesn’t work for them. That is not being unconditional, that is being codependent.

When two people are on the same page then boundaries do contribute to things flowing freely. Each person knows what is acceptable and what works for their partner. They respect their partner enough to honor those boundaries. This creates trust which creates flow. When one person is focusing on what they need and ignoring what the otters person needs there cannot be flow. Does that make sense?

You mentioned reading an article about men who pretend to be falling in love with someone to get what they want. You then shared that you feel this man is doing that to you. SO my question is, why are you still interacting with this person?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Hyman, I can really understand where you are coming from. You must be very weary at this time as you have been trying to figure this out for a long time. And, I would imagine he is weary as well. Remember, you have far more emotional intelligence that you bring to the table. My guess is he shuts down a lot from emotional overwhelm and fatigue. You bring forward a lot of concerns that arise in a long term marriage. Humans are wired to grow and evolve over time. Couples that grow in similar ways have an easier time staying connected than couples that grow in different ways.

I think it is great that the two of you have hung in there and found a therapist that is helping! There are a few resources that I would like to recommend. First, do you have the Audible APP. They now produce original material and there is a program that I think would help you become more neutral in this. From my perspective, there are 4 strong leaders in terms of Couples Therapy. One Heidi mentioned above; John Gotten. Also Sue Johnson, Harville Hendricks, and Esther Perez. Esther Perez has a series available for free on Audible called “Where shall we begin.” In each episode Esther works with one couple. You hear her interacting with the coupes but you also hear her talking about their dynamic in a very neutral, no judgmental way. I think you might find it interesting given what you are going through.

I also recommend you learn more about The 5 Love Languages. It is a theory that there are 5 basic Love Languages, or ways that we give and receive love. Here is a link to an animated book review that will give you a taste of this theory. If it makes sense and you are curious you get the book and learn more.

The reality is, if couples have the same love language then it is very easy to feel connected. When the love languages are different couples can struggle with knowing how to connect. Please explore these resources and let me know what you think!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Beata, This is a complex situation to say the least. it would be interesting to see the degree to which he ill let you in long term given his uber independent personality. In addition, he is dealt with a health condition which sounds serious. There are so many questions at this point. I guess my question for you is what do you truly want to unfold and are you ready to deal with the consequences that come with that? What do you think those consequences will be?

In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself as you go through this?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Celestine, SO good to hear from you again! It sounds like the two of you had a really nice time connecting! For now I would wait to hear from him. It seems like in the past you were the one directing communication but given you recent time together I think it is important for you to let him reach out to you.

I’m curious, did you take Heidi’s advice and see if he is still active on the dating site?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Janette, welcome to the forum! I just have a few questions. When did you first notice feeling jealous and was there something that triggered you feeling this way? I’m wondering if this is something you have experienced in the past when you started to feel close with someone? Can you share more with me about why you feel this way and how you behave in response to these feelings?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nina, I al so glad that you are here! I can understand why this might be confusing. He is sharing his perception of a relationship and in some ways this makes you out your instinct. Here is the most important thing to understand about having relationships _ never, never ignore your instincts! That being said, he is not offering you a relationship. I believe he wants to sext with you on the phone and then have sex with you in person. I do not believe that he wants to build a relationship with you.

He is treating you in a disrespectful manner. He spent years trying to win you over then immediately began to ask for naked photos? That is not something that will build a relationship. Now that he is accusing you of being selfish I can say with 100% certainly that this is not someone who will have a loving, respectful relationship with you. As a matter of fact, this is someone who used sex to avoid emotional intimacy. The moment you opened to door to dating him he became overly sexual. Sexuality needs to be part of a relationship, once a solid emotional connection has been developed. You know that which is why you have shared that you need to wait. I don’t think he can wait and to spend time with him might be dangerous. I’m concerned that he will push you to do more that you are comfortable doing. Have you considered that? Do you have any concerns?

What you share as plans for your day together are great. They would allow you and a guy to share some things you have in common and get to know each other a little at a time. I don’t think he will share a day like that with you. His main priority is to have sex with you, not have a relationship with you. Just to be clear, he hasn’t invested in winning you over and he isn’t being loving with you. Trust your gut! You seem to know that this is not a connection that will give you act you want, need, and deserve! Don’t be confused by his words. You are wise and are very clear about what is going on with this guy!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Hyman, I think you are talking about an issue that a lot of families deal with. it makes sense that you would like your husband not to curse n from of your kids and it is true that you don’t have control over what he says. The reality is, if your kids are old enough to be in middle school they are hearing a lot of cursing from their peers already. Kids that age start to experiment with the power of words so it is not really possible to shield them from it.

Ever so, you can share your values with them. You can demonstrate a different way of expressing yourself. You can share that how people express themselves in important and does reflect who they are in many ways. Acknowledge that they will hear cursing at school from peers, and even from adults at times. The world will present them with many different ways of being and it is up to them to make the choice about who they are going to be. As a parent you can make suggestions and demonstrate your values and ultimately they will need to decide what works for them. Of course they will experiment with cursing but that doesn’t mean they will be bad people. You can set clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable in your home with them but dad does have the freedom to express himself in a way that he is comfortable.

Is it possible to accept this part of him even if you don’t like it? Is there a way to see this as just one of those differences without feeling disgust by it?

Kanya

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