Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Marilyn, In terms of the texts to ignite his hero instinct. First you send a text that says “I need your help.” You then ask a question in a separate text one he responds to “I need help.” Does that make sense? I get the sense that you may be stressing out about this. Is that accurate? I think it is important to keep meeting other men and dating so that you don’t feel pressure to make this situation work but have an abundance mentality that there are several options out there for you. Are you practicing and meditation or mindfulness these days? Doing so would help you in this situation and it would also help you in terms of finding more balance. There are a lot of APPS out there that you can use to learn to meditate or be more mindful. Calm and Headspace are two of my favorites.
In terms of finding more balance – what do you to to feel your spirit? You clearly like expressing your creativity through photography. Anything else you like to do in this area? Have you been able to get out into nature lately and breath some fresh air, hike, kayak, anything that will connect you to the bigger world around you? How much time do you spend with friends these days? I know that Covid is very limiting but do you see your friends on Zoom or Netflix party apps? If you think of yourself as having 5 parts; physical, emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual, balance comes when we are actively feeding each of these aspects. It is also helpful to think about what you would like to feel or experience and then work backwards to determine what actions would most support you and help you achieve these goals.
Kanya
Hi Colleen, I can understand that you need time to move into the friend zone. You were hoping for more and had developed feelings that were real and deep for him. I am sorry to hear about the abusive relationship you have experienced. I am so glad that you attracted someone who is different that the outwardly abusive partners. Have you worked with a therapist regarding this pattern? I suggest you do as this is sometimes a difficult pattern to break-not because you want to be in abusive relationships but because we can be attracted to people who seem different, supportive, living etc and over time we see the real person.
For instance, this man you are interested in seems very different which is wonderful. There may be aspects to him that become confusing or manipulative with time and it would be supportive to have a professional to talk to about the complexities of relationships. I am in support of all the things that will increase your confidence and allow you to see how amazing you are! Do you have a support team of family and friends who love you unconditionally and help you see that you are amazing and deserve to be in a loving, supportive relationship?
Even though you are taking a step back at this time, can you imagine having this person in your life as a friend once your feelings shift?
Kanya
Hi Marilyn No, I don’t think it was bad to reach out to him but now is the time to take a step back. I think asking tech questions regarding his food photos would be a great idea. since he also works out you could ask a question about this such as “I need your help. i want to build are muscles. Is it better to us higher weights at low reps or lower weights at higher reps.”Pretty simple but it might get his attention.
How are you feeling right now? Are you open to the possibility of balancing your life while you take a step back?
Kanya
Hi JC, I can understand why you are confused as he is giving you a lot of mixed signals. I think that he is an Avoidant in terms of his relationship style. Here is a link to an article about the different Relationship Styles that you might find helpful:
https://www.atlantacenterforcoupletherapy.com/relationships-the-avoidant-style
Yes, it is a step forward to go away for a few days and look at what that step includes – he is distant and ghosting you now and he will do so after your trip. It is the way that he balances the relationship to avoid actually being connected and close without barriers and walls. I dated an avoidant in the past and when he was distant he would often send a text saying “I’m thinking about you” but ignore my response. Avoidant’s are really good at letting you know that they care about you and make that more important that the lack of actions they are taking to be with you. That is highly confusing!
One thing I noted is that you tend to trust him and him opinion more that you trust your own. Can you see that this is happening? Are you open to doing something differently so that you learn to trust your gut and your opinion over his when you disagree about what is happening?
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, At this point, you you really want to get his attention, I would take a step back. Don’t contact him for a few weeks. If he contacts you in that time frame, send shirt responses a day after you receive his text. Then, after 3-4 weeks send him a text that initiates his hero instinct by asking him for his help or opinion. Then, share your gratitude and say NOTHING about getting together or reconnecting. We know that you reaching out to him is not building his interest so let’s see if taking a step back will do so. What do you think about trying this?
Kanya
Hi Leila, I can understand all of your questions. Can I ask you something? Are you having a difficult time imagining that you will have a happy life without him? I get a sense that you may be starting to feel some panic about this. It is important to take care of yourself, get support from family and friends as well as a professional counselor or therapist. Now is a great time to learn to feel better about yourself, increase your confidence, and learn to love yourself.
I do think it is time to take a step back. You share thoughts that are really common for woman – what if he forgets about me? Of course you are worried about this but let’s look at some of the differences between men and woman. If a man takes a step back woman will feel forgotten and will wonder if they did anything to upset their guy. When a woman takes a step back, men start to wonder where they have gone and if they are having fun without them. Woman stepping back piques a man’s interest and often increases their interest. I know, it is so different than how we respond to space. I know it is probably scary to think about it, what if you take a step back and not reach out to him for 30 days? Just focus on your life, doing the things you love, and feeling whole again? Is this something that you are open to trying? As I said, I know that would be scary but what you are doing does not seem to be increasing his interest because he thinks he can go away for almost 2 months and you will still be there waiting for you. What if you didn’t just wait but started to push forward instead. That is not what he is expecting!
Kanya
Hi Colleen, Welcome the the forum! No need to be scared, this is a place for you to feel safe, open up, and get support!
Just to clarify-when you said he ‘let you cuddle him while you watched TV, was that one of the few times you were affectionate with each other? Had he shown you affection in the past? I’m just trying to understand if you were dating or more hanging out to see what developed?
For now, I would be less available to him. Yes, stay connected but don’t make him the priority in your life at this time. If you truly are in love with him, you will need some time to shift him back in to the friend category. The challenge that is occurring is that you are giving to him as though he was your boyfriend but he is not giving to you as though you were his girlfriend. There needs to be a rebalancing of energies here. Until he is pursuing you as a GF, it is important for you to not treat him like your BF. That will be hard so it is really okay for you to take a step back and regroup. Actually, you will need to take a step back and regroup. Have you been in a situation i the past where you had a male best friend who you developed feelings for? I know this is a lot of questions but I want to understand what this has looked like to date. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, I didn’t see Heidi’s post. I have responded to your other thread and will ignore this one going forward. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, There are things you can do to get his attention back but before you do so, ask yourself why you want to put that effort into this particular person? Are you continuing to meet other men and get to know them? What type of men have you dated in the past and what were you hoping to create in a new relationship?
I guess the question I have, and Heidi shared, is why are you wanting to connect with someone who seems to be open that he is wanting a sexual connection first without being in a serious relationship? And as I shared, I am concerned about his inability to truly understand how to treat you in a respectful manner. If he was ready for more, then he wold be moving heaven and earth to spend time with you, impress you, etc. He isn’t doing that. Given that you have only met one time it seems as though you want to put a lot into creating interest from someone who doesn’t seem to have a moral compass.
Let’s break it down. Based on what you actually know about him, all of what you know about him, what makes you believe that you would make a great couple? What do you see, rather than imagine, would create a solid relationship for the two of you? Also, can you make a list of the top 10 qualities you are looking for in a partner and/or relationship?
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, Welcome to the forum. Wow, that was a short but crazy and confusing ride with that man. You ask a lot of great questions about his motives for connecting and his motives for disconnecting. Unfortunately, we won’t ever know the answers to these questions unless he actually opens up and talks to you. Based on his actions, it seems as though he really was and is looking for something casual. If I am understanding you correctly, the two of you have never met in person. Is that correct? He seemed to come on strong in messaging and texting but never actually put anything in to motion.
While that is concerning due to the mixed messages and ways in which he was potentially leading you on, the more concerning issue is that he shared your phone number and photographs that were meant to be private with his friend. That is a huge concern as he crossed a boundary that shows he is not really interested in understanding what you need, what you are comfortable with, etc. He then encouraged you to date his friend. So many things seem off about this person and this situation.
On some level you may be fantasizing about who this person may be which may be getting in the way of recognizing who he actually is. What does your gut say about him and his sincerity to actually be in a relationship. He has told you he is just interested in sex. My guess is that if you reach out to him this is all he will offer you and you seem to want more. Undoubtably you deserve more. You were very seductive with him and I am wondering if you were uncomfortable just being you and getting to know each other? While sex is an important part of the equation, you first need to know a person enough to know if he is being honest with you, if he is safe, to what degree is he who he says he is?
What is your inner wisdom saying about this person and this situation?
Kanya
Hi Michele, I will be interesting to see if, as you go through your Ph. D. program, you continue to want to study relationships and infidelity. There is an amazing therapist named Esther Perel who studies and talks about infidelity. Here is a link to one of her Ted Talks that you might find interesting.
I agree that there is still so much to discover – in terms of your education as well as yourself. And I don’t think it matters what made you reconnect to your dream of getting a Ph. D. all that matters is that you are following your heart. I do think that in difficult, painful situations there are always positive that come out of it. What we see is often dependent on our mindset and how we choose to see and truly experience the things that happen to us, for us, and from us. It sounds as though your mindset about many things may be changing in your life as a result of this. Would you agree?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, sounds like there is an element of excitement with the pilot. While that is great and really fun to experience, you have only just met him. Even if you’ve spent several nights with him, you are still in the infatuation stage and will be for some time. Even though you are interested, it is 6-12 months too early to think about moving to be with him. If the two of you want to continue seeing each other, his being a pilot will give you a lot of opportunity to meet up and continue to get to know each other.
I know it is exciting but I think slowing down and pacing yourself is going to be really important. He could be doing this with several woman at this point-we just don’t know. I think that for now this is a dating situation not a relationship. Pay attention to how much attention he is paying you when you are apart. This will tell you a lot about the level of importance this currently has in his life. Let him initiate most of the time! It is important for him to feel there is a bit of a challenge here meaning don’t be overly available to see him when you go back east. Be sure to spend time with family and be busy and happy in your own life!
Have you made attempts to initiate his hero instinct? You can do that at a distance by asking his opinion about something he has a lot of knowledge about. Can you think of something that you could engage with him on i this way?
Kanya
Hi Taji, I really acknowledge how much insight you have developed in just the past few weeks. The reality is, you cannot change him and you cannot change yourself o make him feel stronger and more masculine. I love that you can see that there are things about yourself that you can and want to change based on your own needs and intentions. Do you have a sense of what changes you are hoping to make? Is it super exciting to hear from our members who have a growth mindset.
You shared some interesting insights regarding your husband and the woman he is spending time with. Yes, they are both benefitting from being taken care of financial and otherwise. I wonder if they have thought through the reality of their lives without having someone to take care of them. What would it be ike for them to take care of themselves? They would have so many things that they would need to change and evolve quickly to be able to pay their bills.
Where are you at with the marriage at this point? Is he open to ending the other relationship and focusing on repairing the marriage?
Kanya
Hi Michele, I am soooo happy to hear that you are feeling stronger! Empowered, with strength or heart, deserves to be your normal state of being! Are you doing too much? Well, only you can determine the answer to that question. I will say that it is normal for someone in your situation to want to learn and grow. Many feel an urgency because what they are feeling is so intense and uncomfortable. In my experience, this phase will pass. You will learn t=which activities you really enjoy, which ones help you, and you will let go of those that are no longer necessary. You have such a learning and growth mindset that will serve you well in the counseling field. While I wish it had not been painful, I do know that learning from your personal experience will be vital to helping others who are going through difficult times. When we are feeling betrayed and confused only someone who has had the same experience, and found their way through it, can really help.
I am glad to hear you are thinking about setting a boundary regarding the cat. There is no reason for you to be taking on all the stress of this situation. If you need him to take the cat perhaps it is time to simply let him know.
I can also see you moving through the stages of grief in all of this. You care coming to accept that you may not be interested if and when he decides he has made a mistake. I am glad to hear that. Whether or not you can see it, there are so many potential options for you to have someone in your life who actually appreciate you and will treat you in the way that you deserve to be treated. Remember that! Graduate school is so exciting! Have you always had a desire to study psychology?
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, Welcome to the forum! You’re right in that this is an unusual situation. In many ways, age plays little role in who we are attracted to. From a day to day perspective, it plays a big role in terms of who we can form a relationship and a life with. The reason is because developmentally people are in really different places, naturally wanting different things. At 18 he is either in high school or starting college. There are many years before he will naturally want to settle down. At 38, you will want more than he can possibly give him. He is still a oy in a lot of ways and has a lot to learn about truly caring for others as he is still learning to care for himself. This is a situation that might result in a fling but anything long term wouldn’t be possible unless you were willing to wait for several years for him to be ready for a marriage. He is still finding himself and will need a lot of dating and relationship experience before he would be ready for marriage.
Do you want to be married and create a family with someone. I know you mentioned that you have had a negative relationship history. Can you share more about that? Perhaps working through the things that get in the way for you with other men would be a more promising option in terms of getting what you want and deserve?
Kanya
