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I agree that this is not love! I understand that it is confusing but my guess is h treats and women in this manner. The best thing we can do in these situations is to move on. Yes, you will be professional with him if you have to but it is time to refocus on your own life and goals. You deserve an amazing man who does pay attention to you but you also deserve to have an amazing relationship with yourself! I suggest you start to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others!
Kanya
Hi April, As I was reading your response I though of a resource that might be helpful. There is an article, that has now been turned into an app, entitled “36 Questions that Lead to Love.” It is a series of 36 questions written by t a psychologist that is mean to foster closeness. Maybe the two of you could explore one or two questions each week and begin to foster a deeper connection? Here is a link to their web site:
http://36questionsinlove.comKanya
Hi Renee, I agree that you are putting too much emphasis on ‘the relationship’ at this point. From his perspective you are just friends. From your perspective you are looking for signs, on a daily basis, that things are going to work out between the two of you. I imagine that is a lot of pressure for you and for him.
Goingback to how his son was feeling at the amusement park. What if he really was upset about your earlier interaction and there wasn’t more to it? Yes, you want to be in the boys life but I think it is important to honor and respect his father’s role and not question so much or look for hidden information.
My guess is he is not willing to be up front with you because you have demonstrated significant jealousy in the past. Since the two of you aren’t dating it is appropriate for him, and for you, to maintain boundaries around this. One things that he will need to see is that you respect his boundaries and stop pushing for more when he is saying he does not want more. That could be more of a relationship but that could also be more information. There needs to be boundaries in all relationships. IT sounds like he is clear with his boundaries about sharing and it is important to honor them.
I noticed that you often share that you don’t understand his reactions to you. The thing is, he seems to be able to clearly articulate what has upset him. You seem to doubt that he knows what is upsetting him. That is something that you will need to work on. Like everyone, he needs to be the authority on what he is thinking and feeling. It sounds as though questioning his thoughts and feelings occurred with great frequency. Perhaps you need to listen more and accept what he is sharing at face value.
It seems that a little space might be good for both of you. There seems to be a part in you that is on alert for signs that this is going to go in a certain way. At the same time he is saying he doesn’t want to reconcile. I imagine that creates a lot of anxiety and imbalance for you. Is it possible that you actually just focus on your own life and have him be one of many friends for now? Can you take off relationship as a goal at this time?
Kanya
Hi, I’m sorry that you feel that you need to be in a relationship with him in order for him to help you with your career. That is something that no one should need to experience. He has proven to you that he isn’g going to commit and be your boyfriend or make your time together a priority. Is it possible to maintain a friendship with him without being romantic and still get his support? What is it that you do and what type of company does he have?
Kanya
HI Veronica, I am so sorry. It sounds as though the tw of you have been through a lot in the past 9 years. I do think there are things you can do to improve your connection. As that happens both of you will need to decide if you want to move forward as a couple or just parents who are loving to each other.
I suggest you download The Relationship Rewrite. Then, read through it once and allow yourself to really absorb the thought behind the program. When you are fully investing, start working through the steps from start to finish. Sometimes women think a step doesn’t apply so they skip it. It really works best when you implement each step. Take your time as changing patterns in relationships takes time to solidify. He will need to see that you are evolving versus just trying things to win him back. Ultimately we don’t know if he will be open to trying again but I believe this program provided the best support and guidance to someone in your situation! You can find The Relationship Rewrite under “James Library” link above! Please keep checking in with us with any questions or updates as we are happy to help you navigate this!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I am so glad that the two of you are connecting again! I like that you see that what was keeping him MIA had nothing to do with you or the relationship. It is so easy to think a man’s distance is a reflection of their feelings for us. I’m glad he reconnected and explained what was going on for him!
Not having an attachment to the outcome is something I wish more people would embrace! Trust your gut with things and do what you need to do to support yourself. Most important – enjoy the process! I hope you’ll keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi April, It sounds like you are looking at this in a very positive way! Given that the two of you have such a long standing history I imagine the connection you feel is very sweet and special. I think igniting his hero instinct is a great way to keep the energy flowing in a LDR. I’m Curious if you have tried this in the past and if it was successful? Since you can’t ask him to come over to help with something around the house, you can focus on asking for his advice or ideas about something that he has some expertise in. What type of things come to mind that you could ask him about?
One things that I did want to share is I am wondering if I am sensing some pressure in what you shared above. You shared that you want to get as much our of your conversations and communication as possible. You may just mean that you want to connect during that time but I just wanted to check in and see if you re feeling any pressure to make this look a certain way? The connection that the two of you have is the most important thing and seems to have keep the two of you coming back to each other over time.
Just out of curiosity, how frequently do you think you will see one and other?
Kanya
Hi, My sense is he says whatever he needs to say to get you to continue to chase him. He makes you promises. He says he wants to travel with you because that keeps you interested and involved. It keeps you hoping. It keeps you saying yes to him when he wants something from you. It is important to realize that not all people are honest. Not everyone tells the truth. Not everyone wants a dating and loving relationship.
I do think that this level of difficulty with work can take up all a guys time and focus. This happens to most men as success in their career, job, etc are vital to them feeling good about themselves.
Can you tell me what you think about what Heidi and I have been sharing about this situation?
Kanya
Hi Sharon, In reading what you shared things seemed to go south for him when you sent him the invite to the pool party. I wonder if he thought you were pushing his boundaries by inviting him? For you it was not a sex party but I wonder if for him it was in that realm in some way. HE had shared that he wasn’t ready to explore that and maybe he felt this was a move intuit direction which he was not ready for. He shared that twos was a fear of his even if the invitation clearly stated that it was not. Perhaps he just needed some reassurance that it was okay for the two of you to not explore anything like that for awhile. From my experience with couples, these events are better tolerated when a couple is solid in their commitment. The two of you aren’t close to being there yet.
If you would like to reconnect I suggest you send a message igniting his hero instinct. Ask him for help or for his opinion about something. When he responds be grateful and supportive. Then, send a text that says something like “I’ve been thinking about it and I realize that inviting you to that party may have seemed like I was not respecting your boundaries. While that wasn’t my intention, I am really sorry if you felt disrespected. I love spending time with you and hope that we can connect again soon.”
Then just take a breath. Let’s see if he can reconnect and stay connected. However, if this pattern continues that is important to pay attention to. He may not be in a place to build something and if you are ready for that then it may be best to step back. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, it sounds as though you are committed to holding on to what was. That is your choice. I do hope that you will take my advice and Heidi’s advice as you move through this. And, when some time has passed I hope that you do open to the other possibilities that are out there. In the mean time do everything you can to take care of yourself and focus on feeling whole and confident again. WE’ve offered some ideas about how to do that and if you would like support with that please let us know!
Kanya
Hi Hampton, I really do understand where you are coming from. A long time ago I was madly in love with someone. He came in and out of my life over the course of many years. WE would be together in a state of bliss and then he would leave. Then a few months later he would come back. This went on and on. I was sure he was the one for me. I had never felt such a deep connection with anyone and I didn’t think I could ever get over him. IT was as if I was under a spell. The thing is, it was an emotional roller coaster. As I watched my friends creating healthy relationships and getting married I pined for a man who could never give me what I wanted and needed. Eventually I ended things and told him to never contact me again. I knew that as long as he was coming in and out of my life I couldn’t more on.
As I looked back on that time I realized that I thought it was impossible that I would ever find another love like that. In some ways that is true, I never did feel that type of intensity. But I also never again dealt with a man who was so unclear, so uncaring about how his behavior affected me. I did however find a different kind of love. I dated men who were consistent. Who didn’t through me away because they didn’t “feel it” anymore. I met men who were stable and knew what they wanted. And ultimately I met a man who was loving, accepting, and forgiving.
This man has turned things around and blamed you for the break up. The reality is, there was more going on here or he would have been able to forgive and forget. It is unlikely that someone from Korea will marry outside of his culture,. There is immense family pressure to continue the blood line and many families split when there children marry non-Koreans. He also has difficulty accepting people’s imperfection. IT will be painful to be with someone who expects perfection in that way. He gives you mixed messages, won’t truly release you but won’t be with you. I know it is difficult to accept but this man is not going to change. The reality is, he would need to want this change even more than you and would need to work on that even more than you. He is not doing that.
You shared that you want him to go to therapy to work on things and that you are willing to get him back no matter how hard you have to work. Unfortunately, until he is working just as hard nothing will change. We have no control over what other so. Our only power comes from our ability to work with ourselves, to grow and evolve. Since that is all we can do I suggest that caring for you, working on you, becomes your priority. Spending your time trying to figure out how to change him is not a good use of your precious time and resources. I know that isn’t want you want to hear but I need to honestly share with you.
What if you give yourself 3-6 moths to work on yourself, to figure out you. See if it changes your perspective as you do so. You might be surprised!
Kanya
Hi Nina, I am so glad to hear back from you. It is great that you are feeling so good about this. That shows me what an amazingly strong and resilient woman you are! CPA-that is amazing. I know that is not an easy test to prepare for and I am wishing the best for you. When do you take your exam?
Kanya
HI Heather, I am so glad that you are writing in to the forum! Let’s see if we can figure this out a bit. It seems as though he really does care for you but something is getting in the way of him committing. The first time he was concerned about an upcoming deployment.I wonder if future deployments are concerning him. Does he have any deployments coming up? Has he ever maintained a relationship while he was away? I guess I’m wondering to what degree the two of you have talked about this difficult reality. I think it would be important to talk about or actually initiate a conversation and really listen to his concerns.
One thing that I want to comment on is the conversation you had around Christmas. When he was indecisive you made a mistake that many women make; you told him what you thought he was thinking and feeling rather than asking open ended questions and giving him the opportunity to express himself. You told him he didn’t seem to know what he wanted. Another way of handling that would be to initiate a conversation like “I know you care for me, I can feel fit in all that you do for me and how you show up for me. Sometimes I feel you pulling away and questioning things. Is there anything I can do to help?” That opens to door for him to open up to you. He is the kind of man who really does take care of you in a beautiful way. My guess is he has a concern that something will prevent him from caring for you in the way that he wants. Make sense?
Kanya
HI Celestine, It sounds as though you are comfortable with the pace of getting to know him. My guess is he is getting to know other women as well. I hear that you are really busy but perhaps going on a few dates with others would be helpful. Right now all of your dating energy is going into this one situation, this one person. As you become more intimate how do you feel about him seeing other women? Some women are kay with that and others want more of a commitment one they become intimate with someone. What ever your decision in this regard I strongly encourage you to trust it and let him know what you are comfortable with.
Yes, safe sex is extremely important. When you do initiate that conversation remember that it doesn’t need to be heavy. The more fears words but men are “We need to talk.” It can send them into emotional overload. Instead, when the subject arises you can use the “I know you wouldn’t” phrase. Something like, “being safe is important to me. I know you wouldn’t want me to compromise that.” And let it go at that. If the time comes and he is not prepared to be safe in that way then sex needs to be off the table until he use. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Ji Janette, Thanks for filling in the blanks for me! I agree that two things are at play here. First, it sounds as though there are two things going on. First, he seems to have female friends that he is comfortable spending time with. If that is new or if he is flirtatious with those women it would be understandable that you would need to get used to that. You share that you believe he is a trustworthy person and if you truly don’t have reason to doubt than talking yourself through these situations could be helpful. This would mean reassuring yourself and seeking evidence that he is being honest and open and is not interested in dating anyone else.
It also sounds like you are used to being with someone who showed you more affection and attention. You could work with yourself to get used to this but I wonder at what cost? Have you shared your concerns with him? If so, has he been able to be more reassuring with you when you are out with other couples? Is he willing to show you more attention in these situations? My sense is seeing him respond to your concerns and vulnerability would help you feel more comfortable and confident. Do you feel that you both respond to each other’s need for safety and reassurance and emotional connection?
You shared that the relationship got off to a rocky start 2 years ago but that things have been improving in the last 8 months. Did the rocky start relate to him being dishonest or shady with other women?
Kanya
