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Hi Hampton, You ask a great question in the title of your posting. Is he a narcissist? While I don’t know how and can’t diagnose him in any way I will say that he demonstrates several traits associated with narcissism. Here is a brief list of trails that we see in people who have narcissistic tendencies.
1. The fantasize about the perfect mate, the perfect life. As a result they often feel disappointed when others don’t live up to the real of perfection.
2. They posses a quality of superiority. They belittle others and focus on the flaws of others to raise themselves up.
3. Focus is on himself in his words, actions and where he puts his attention.
4. They have little regard or empathy for the feelings and needs of others. As a result they often have tumultuous relationships and short lived romantic connections.
5. They project a lot of confidence but are actually very insecure. As a result they need excessive amounts of praise and will be highly critical if you praise them in ‘the wrong way.” They are also highly reactive to anything that sounds like criticism. They can get angry in a way that confuses those around them. For instance, they may take offense to the tone of someones voice or hidden meanings.
6. Once disappointed by someone they often cut them off or keep them in their lives but forget the positives of the person and only remember the negatives.
Just wondering any of these qualities are familiar to you?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how upsetting this is after being in a relationship with this person for 3 years. I think it is going to take some time to process everything and begin to sort things out. Do you h ave friends and a support network in your new area? Can you tell me who you are talking to and spending time with these days? Who is helping you through this? Do you feel you are sleeping and able to manage day to day tasks such as going to work. After this sort of surprising break up it can be difficult to keep with work etc, just wondering if other areas in your life are working?
I think the first step is to take care of you and in some ways come to peace with things situation. That doesn’t mean give up but I think that you need to feel good inside of yourself. Why? Well, as you start to attempt to reconnect he may or may not respond in a positive way. I want to make sure that you are in a solid and strong place. That way, if he doesn’t reconnect, you will be okay with out him. Does that make sense? I do have some ideas but can you first share with me how you are doing?
Kanya
Hi Linda, I can understand your concerns. I too wonder where his concerns are coming from. He talked about not being ready to be a dad. When he is sober does he share any concerns he has about being a step dad to your kids? He talked about feeling unworthy of your love. Does he seem to have insecurities that would make him feel less than or unlovable in some way. I get that he is apologetic but does he talk about the feelings that he is pushing down?
I get the sense that his feelings are really normal and understandable but that he feels some shame in having them. I know that he is younger than you, how old is he and what type of relationship experience does he have? I totally agree that you need to be the one that makes the decision about who you date and why. That being said, what are the reasons your friends and sister think that things will not work out?
Kanya
Yes, both of those things can be complicated. If he is dealing with both at the same time I an understand his overwhelm.The two of you re still getting to know each other and it seems like this is the first stressful thing that you’ve dealt with. My guess is he isn’t sure how to respond to this and how to let you in. Have you sent a supportive text in response to his message?
Kanya
Hi Tan, I think I agree with Heidi-I would not expect to see him any time soon. It sounds as though too much would need to happen for him to get the to where you are. I think you are letting too much ride on this relationship. The reality is you have spent very little time together. The life you imagine only exists in your mind. You would need to spend more time together – a lot more time – to be sure that this is the person you want to love with. More importantly, you need to get to know him a lot better before you introduce him to your children. As you shared, they have been through enough in their life time. They deserve to be with someone that you have spent time with and have actually gotten to know.
I think that he needs to figure out how to provide for himself and unfortunately that may take some time. In terms of talking to him about a plan, you mentioned that he has a current timeline. Maybe talk to him about his plan for meeting that timeline. Since it is not the first one he has made, it is important to be realistic about his abilities. Yes, he may want this to occur but until he can MAKE it occur I don’t believe it will be possible to build a future with this person. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Cheri, DOn’t panic! The good news he is letting you know that something is up for you. Most likely it has nothing to do with you. For now I would send a short text back saying something like “I’m sorry you are going through something and am glad that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me. I am here for you if you want to talk or bounce some ideas off of me. FYI I’m a great listener.” Then add an appropriate emoji. Give him some time then in a few days send a text mean to lighten his mood or make him laugh. Hopefully he will open up more soon! Can you think of anything that might be coming up for him in other areas of his life?
Kanya
Hi Debbie, You are sounding more balanced which is great. There is no need to make this change right away and given he will need to wait until new employees are on board it might take some time but hang in there.
I love that you are into the law of attraction and gratitude. Have you started to make lists of positive attributes for your BF and the relationship? Have you been able to focus on the positives and let the negatives fad into the background? There are times that I get annoyed with my BF and feel he is not really around as much as I would like or not really as supportive as I would like. When I try to ‘talk’ to him about it things don’t always improve. One this that has worked well is to shift my focus to all the things I love about him.It often has the magical ability to change the situation. Can you begin to seek out the love that he is giving you, even if it is in small ways?
I think that spending more time with your friends is key right now. Please don’t make him dinner every night as that seems like too much now and may make him feel some pressure to be home to eat even when you are just trying to be kind. Take a few notes off and see if he says anything about it. Make plans on Saturday so that you aren’t sitting around waiting for him. Give him more space tombs you. of course you will be kind and respectful as you do this and I think you will start to feel a bot more empowered as well. Often women are concerned about giving their guy space for fear that he will forget her or lose interest. Actually the opposite is true-he will become more interested as he sees you doing well without him!
Kanya
Hi Tracy, It is definitely difficult! I will say that the more you take care of yourself and nurture yourself the easier everything becomes. I always encourage low attachment even if you are participating at a high level. I think that continuing to take a step back and giving you both some space is a good idea. One day at a time is so true!
Kanya
Hi Debbie, You must be devastated by these changes. It sounds as though things went well for the first few months but then started to fall apart. If I am understanding you correctly, you were together for 4 months before moving in together. Did things start to fall apart around the time you moved in? This might be important to see. I get the sense that perhaps once you moved in he felt he no longer needed to pursue you and win you over. AS work got more demanding he started to focus more and more of his energy there. In many ways you moved in together way too soon. The two of you were still in the intense honeymoon phase and weren’t in a place to really know who the other person was. Certainly not in a place to know who the other person was when under stress.
While it sounds as though you are doing an amazing job nurturing him at this time it also sounds as though he may be taking that for granted. What if, instead of focusing all of your energy on him, you refocus your energy on you? Go out with your friends after work, go to the gym, take a class. DO things that nurture you and address the loneliness you are feeling. In any relationship our partner can only satisfy about 25% of our needs. 25%! The other 75% needs to come from our work, friends, family, and other interests. Right now you are wanting him to fill you up when he doesn’t even have enough to fill himself up.
Take a step back and see if this helps to motivate him a bit more. Since you’ve only known him for 6 months you can’t yet know if this is usual behavior – over working – or actually him dealing with a crisis. It sounds like you need to get to the other side of this to know who he really is. Once new employees are bought on board and things settle down you will get to see how he treats. Does he spend more time with you, focusing on the relationship? Or is over working part of his ‘work ethic?’
What are your family and friends thoughts about this? DO you feel they are supporting you? Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Janet, I’m curious, what have your messages been like? Are you more of a fan or an actual friend? Does he ever initiate conversation with you? Remember, he probably has many women initiating conversations with him on Facebook and other social media platforms.
Kanya
Hi Disha, I am glad that you are here! In listening to what you shared I get the sense that you are further ahead in all of this than he is. You are thinking about a serious relationship and he seems to be in the friendship mode. That can lead to some significant heart ache on your end. Unfortunately, I don’t see him taking the initiate to really win you over. He has been complacent since the two of you met and isn’t initiating contact.That tells me that he isn’t very interested at this point. I strongly suggest you stop sexting with him as he hasn’t earned that level of intimacy with you.
If you stop texting what do you think will happen? If you think things will stop then his is really important for you to know. You need to step back and see things as they are. I get that you really like him but he isn’t showing signs that he really likes you and he isn’t responding positively when you try to ignite his hero instinct. Given that you want a serious relationship, are you meeting other people and dating? That is really important at this stage. You need to know what you r options are and even create more options for yourself. Otherwise, you will pour too much into this when it is clearly still in the friend zone.
I suggest you stop initiating for 2 weeks. Then, send another text igniting his hero instinct. If he doesn’t reengage and start to initiate again then I think it is time to move on. You started to communicate in January 2019-that was just 6 weeks ago and from what you share he’s been marginally interested in pursuing you for less than half that time. Don’t over invest in this! There just isn’t enough there to do so. Any while you have feelings for him, feelings alone are not the reason to pursue someone who is not pursuing you back. Does this make sense?
Kanya
Hi Cheri, There is no question that long distance relationships are difficult! So much time apart can lead us to overthink, question, and misinterpret things. What if, instead of trying to figure out what this weird feeling is between the two of you, you instead shift back to earlier types of communication? That means going back to be playful and fun and loving? It sounds like both of you may be trying to figure out next steps-that is totally normal! You just spend some time together and it sounds like you had a great time. Of course you are going to miss him, and he miss going to miss you! Of course this could excite and confuse you both. He may not be someone who is comfortable talking about his feelings right now and he may still be figuring out what he is feeling!
I suggest you take a step back and not initiate communication for 2-3 days. Then, send him a text that ignites his hero instinct. Then, let him know how awesome he is and sit back. Give him some time to miss you and wonder about you. When you do communicate be light and playful. Pushing through the heaviness you are both feeling right now is important. Continuing to build the relationship through fun and play will help build the resources to work through difficult times. Let him know by your energy, your behavior that things are okay! Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Hyman, While it is frustrating that he wasn’t interested in learning from the Love Languages it is good that he was interested in taking the test. Maybe with time he will embrace it more. When you started to ignite his hero instinct I wonder if it was too much too soon? I mean, was it such a big change that it didn’t feel real? Maybe instead of stopping all together you could tome it down a bit but still utilize the skill. Can you think of small ways of asking for his help?
It is good that you know what his primary and secondary Love Languages. Since quality time is off the table at this point, can you identify ways to do acts of service for him? Again, not too big of a chance but small acts that would have meaning to him. Does anything come to mind?
Kanya
Hi Tan, I’m really glad that you are on the forum! The is a challenging situation! On the one hand the two of you care for each other and want to be together. On the other it seems like an impossibility at this time. When the two of you met did you see where he lives and what his life is like or was it in a different place? The reason I ask is because I want o be clear that his intention really is to move where you are. Sometimes people can make promises but in reality they don’t really have the intention to move. Have there been red flags about what he shared with you that concern or confuse you?
If he missed the timeline again I’m wondering what you think you would like to do?
KanyaHi Tracy, I went back and read through all of the messages from you, myself, and Heidi. In the rest few days Heidi shared something the O believe is the crux of the matter; you need to work on yourself before trying to get him back. If you only focus on getting him back and manage to succeed, your anxious attachment style will continue to show up and sabotage this or any relationship. I hope that this becomes your focus as it will be important to heal this before a relationship can be lasting.
The Relationship Rewrite may work if you also do the work on you. For now, I suggest you take a month long break before implementing the strategies from The Relationship Rewrite. It is also important to stop romanticizing him and what the two of you had. I get that he feels like “the one” but I am not convinced you are reading the signs correctly. I think you felt a deep connection with him and allowed that connection to make you feel good about yourself. When it was gone, that confidence and calm went away. I think you are associating feeling good with him being the one but I think that being with him in the future will once again create the struggle between the avoidant and the anxious. By the way, did you ever read up more on that dynamic?
Kanya
