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Hi Anne, I really acknowledge you for being open and willing to explore some of your thoughts and beliefs. It takes a lot of courage but is an important part of life. I love the idea of watching some Ted Talks! I think I might watch a few myself!
Keep up the good work and please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Danielle, Thanks for sharing more details. It does help! Two weeks probably seems like a long time but for your boyfriend, well he is probably still grieving and missing his buddy a lot. That is something that I think is fairly normal. I can understand why it would be frustrating. it sounds as though the two of you have perhaps argued about it recently. Is he able to understand why he is feeling down and needing some space? Does he have a sense of what will help him feel better and be more available? It does sound as though he wants things to get back to normal even if he isn’t sure how to do that.
It sounds as though things might have been off even before the cat got sick and died. Are you saying that the two o you have never had a sleep over. never had sex? IS this something that the two of you decided together or do you feel it is more one sided? People have many reason to delay having sex and I’m wondering if you are aware of any reason he might want to delay?
Overall I am wondering how much he has to give at this time. My sense is that with time his heart will come back to life when he has moved through the grieving process. Is it possible that you can give him more time? The thing is, over the course of a long term relationship there will be times when one person will not have much to give to the relationship. This can occur because of a busy time a work, the illness or death of a loved one, the pressure and challenge of caring for children. Perhaps this is the first challenge you two are facing? Does he talk about feeling sad or lost without his feline buddy?
Kanya
Hi Danielle, I’m not sure I understand everything you are sharing but let me see what I can do. So, when you sent the text to ignite his hero instinct did you not have something in mind to ask him about? If not, think of something he can help you with. It can be concrete like “I need to move my bookcase, can you help me?” It can also be more geared to asking for his opinion about something he has some expertise in. Keep the request brief and when he solves your problem let him know how happy it makes you and how helpful he is!
Now I have some questions. He is telling you that he loves you but things are not moving forward. Is that accurate? Then, it sounds as though he just sent a text saying that he isn’t sure that he can be in a relationship and is wondering what he is doing wrong. What gives him the idea that he might be doing something wrong? And, can you share more about why and how you are withholding your feelings?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am glad to hear that P is stepping up! This is great and it sounds like he is more focused on getting together. I kind of think it is a good thing that you had to reschedule because you weren’t feeling up to it. It is good for a guy to hear no once in awhile. While it makes us question their feelings or us when they say no, when we say no men tend to get more motivated to make things happen!
Please do take care of yourself and your poor tailbone! Sounds like a little TLC is called for! Please keep us posted with P!
Kanya
Hi Renee, You sound so balanced! Well done. I wish that everyone understood that our happiness and contentment lied in the here and now! That is so powerful that you are stepping in to that. If you re willing to be patient with your life and just focus on the things that do make you happy and complete then when you are ready and open, I believe the right person will appear. That might be K and that might be someone else. If you can continue to focus on you and your life it really won’t matter when or how it occurs!
I hope things improve with your daughter. That is a relationship that will be ever present so making sure things are lined up and that boundaries are in place will be important. Keep being the amazing you and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, wow, this is a big turn around. I am so impressed by the way you have taken a difficult situation and turned it in to something useful and productive in your life!This is a great way to focus your attention and creative energy. Just out of curiosity, what factors helped you to get to this strong and empowered place?
I think it is great that you have asked for his expertise in this. In terms of suggestions, I think that limiting your contact and taking a break from asking about a future is a good idea. There is a part of him that has shut himself off from the possibility of more at this time. Given what you have shared about him, I think that asking more about that may make him pull further away. Notice I didn’t say push him away? I don’t want you to think that you are controlling his behavior. On the contrary, there is something inside of him that perhaps isn’t comfortable with a close relationship. Yes, he wants to focus on work but why wasn’t that communicated to you prior to moving? Do you know if he has a history of pulling back when the relationship gets to the stage of deeper connection?
I can appreciate your wanting to be patient, I do. But I think it is more important to put your full focus on you. You shared the awareness that you tend to focus your energy on the care of others. You could continue to do this in your actions and your thinking. Instead, what if you put this man in the friend category for now. Give him the space he wants and see if he is able to work his way back to the place where he is ready to show up for you. You really want him to be in a place where he can’t wait to see you again, to be with you again. That means taking a step back and letting him figure this out!
I’m concerned about his ability to shut these feelings off and move forward so quickly, especially after you moved to be closer to him. Just out of curiosity, did he encourage the move? Was he on bard with having a serious relationship and commitment once you lived closer?
Kanya
I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself for these last 2 situations. It sounds alike they were familiar to you as you shared and sometimes we need to consider people and get to know them before we can assess who they are. Unfortunately there will always be people out there who will try to take advantage of us in one way or another. Please know that their behavior or intentions are not a reflection on you or what you deserve! It is impossible to only attract those that are sincere and trustworthy-impossible! Focus instead on the people who make it through that initial getting to know you phase and are truly who they say they are. I personally don’t believe int he idea that ‘we get what we have coming to us.” Yes, I believe in cause and effect but I con’t believe the universe gives us consequences or punishment. I hope that you can learn to be kinder to yourself in all of this as you really deserve it! Isn’t it great to realize you don’t have to be done with your growth and learning as we are all works in progress!
Yes, shifting the focus back you you, family, career, is always a great way to reset! At the same time, let yourself be open to j=meeting and connecting with genuine men. The more genuine you can be with yourself, the more you will attract people with the same quality! Maybe take the next 6 months to focus on you AND naturally meet men in the course of your life who show you a different way a man can be?
Kanya
HI Sharon, I’m so glad that you shared an update. Isn’t it great when we finally have clarity over something. This guy really isn’t working at winning you over and in my book doesn’t deserve to have all that you offer! I’m glad you are seeing this and are taking the steps to move forward. I know that takes a lot of courage and trust in yourself and in life! But, you are doing it which is fabulous!
I’m glad you met someone who is intriguing. My guess is, if you really stay open to the possibilities, you will meet even more intriguing men! Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Carmen Wow, I love all the insight you shared in our ;past post. Just checking in to see how the conversation with your friend went this weekend?
Kanya
HiLisa, I’m glad that you are o the forum. This is a great situation to explore. I agree that he probably doesn’t feel comfortable asking you out even if he does have feelings for you. Rather than jumping in and asking him out on a date I would start by feeling the waters a bit. The next time you see him maybe talk about an activity you really like; hiking, a sporting event, listening to live music. If he shares that interest then casually say something like “We should do that together some time. It would be nice to spend some time with you outside of this office!” And then see how he responds. In that way you are opening the door to get to know each other better without putting any pressure on either of you. How does that sounds?
Kanya
Hi Venitta, You need to share more of what that means for me to assist you. Is he too tired at the end of the day to spend quality time together? Is he too tired to try anymore? Is he too tired to talk about issues? Is he too tired to start a relationship?
What is the contact of him being too tired? Please share more about the relationship you are in as well. Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Hampton, Have you considered what it is like t be in a relationship with someone who has these narcissistic tendencies? You know how you feel now; confused, rejected, wishing he would let thing thing go and move one, willing to do what ever it takes, not getting your needs met? Well, moving forward with this person will mean that most of your life will feel like this. YEs, some short lived good times but just as you are getting to the point where you can trust that things are going in a good direction, bam he will get upset with you for something small and not be willing to forgive you for a few more months, or even years.
I do understand that you love him and that it is difficult to imagine that thee is anyone else out there who could ever make you feel as special as he does when he is shining his attention on you. The thing is, he has closed the door on this. He has shared that he doesn’t love you and can’t be with you. At this stage, if you continue to reach out to him and try my sense is he will get more angry with you and will push you away with more intensity. I would hate for you to have to experience even more pain with him.
What if you take a few months off from thinking about this. Just focus on rebuilding your life without him. Reconnect with your family and friends in a more meaningful way. Start some new projects or work towards a goal that you have always wanted to attain. Then, if he has a change of heart you will be in a stronger and more solid place to respond. You will be able to set your boundaries and know what is and is not acceptable behavior. Right now so much of what you are thinking and feeling is in response to him. I think a break will allow you to be more autonomous in this situation which will be positive for everyone. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Dorothea, Thanks for writing in. You are asking some great questions. I can’t say what all of his words mean but I wonder if you have more answers than you realize? Let me ask you a few questions. How long have the two of you been dating? Have you met each others family and friends? When you see each other one time per week do you go out, do other people see you, do you share your likes and interests with each other?
When he said he was going to ‘his partners’ fathers funeral, did you ask for clarification on what that meant? Has he ever mentioned someone else in his life who he referred to as his partner? Let yourself think and be with these questions and share what your inner wisdom is telling you.
Kanya
Tracy, You are doing soooo great. I can see that you have grown in so many ways.I know how difficult this has been for you. I hope that you see that you really took a difficult situation and used it tolerant and grow in amazing ways.
You mention in your post that you still trust him. Can you share ore of what than means to you as it is clearly a very important value to you!
Kanya
