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Hi Ann, You are doing so great. I really acknowledge you!
I too think there is a strong connection between sexuality and spirituality. How could it not be connected when the bliss that can be felt sexually is similar to the bliss people feel when connecting to the divine. Please let us know how the conversation goes!
Kanya
Hi Nicole, This is such a difficult situation.I am so glad that you are here. I suggest you write some of your thoughts down prior to talking. Sometimes, in the moment, we can get flustered and forget to talk about some of the things that are important to us. I wonder if that might happen in this situation. Do what ever you can do to prepare for the conversation as it could be difficult at times. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Emile, Welcome back! It sounds as though you had a great time. I can understand whit might eellike you can’t meet anyone. In what ways are you meeting new men who are interested in dating?
Kanya
Hi Rikki, I am s glad that you are here! This sounds like a really confusing situation. The good news is you haven’t spent much time together and hopefully aren’t attached. As difficult it is I think it would be good to sit back and see what he does. He seems confused and if you keep things going then it will be difficult to know what his deal is. Plus, you told him that you were going to let him take the lead.
When he does reach out and wants to ‘pop’ by, say no sometimes. Make it less convenient for him to just stop by when ever he wants. In some ways he wants some of the benefits of closeness without actually being dependable with that closeness. I get the sense that he wants to be friends and see where things go. This could take a long time. Isn’t it interesting that you didn’t really want to go out with him and now you are wanting him. That is a sign that this person might be better at giving mixed signals than actually being consistent. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Danielle, It is super important for you to support yourself right now. He is giving you mixed signals and your gut is telling you things that he denies. Do you notice that when this happens you start to feel a little lost and confused? Not much has changed in that he has been ambiguous at best about this relationship for several weeks. Now that he is upset you are feeling more scared about losing him. I can understand that but I encourage you to look at the bigger picture; you have been having doubts for some time about him, the situation, and what he is telling you.
A lot of what he is saying just doesn’t make sense. I don’t think waiting 90 days is to blame for his indecision. I think there is something that gets int he way for him that was a problem long before the two of you got involved. The two of you have been like best friends for some time. While you are ready to take things to the next level it sounds as though he has a lot of reasons why he can’t do that. What is sad and understandably upsetting is his reasons keep changing so that you can’t even figure out the puzzle. When this sort of thing happens it is better to take a step back and see if you can identify the different puzzle pieces. When we get too close it is difficult to see what is actually happening. I would also avoid trying to for anything from happening as this is not the type of situation to be forced.
Were the two of you able to talk and gain more clarity today?
Kanya
Hi Clare, I did hear back from James and he conformed that the ex-back signal refers to a text that was sent to an ex that ignited his hero instinct. While there are a variety of ways to work the request, the 12 word text they refer to is: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.”
Before you send something like this it is good to have an idea of what you are going to say. I say this because often times this text will get a quick response and you want to be prepared. As for advice or assistance with something and give him the chance to help. This often piques their curiosity about you and will tend to make a guy want to reach out again just to connect. In His Secret Obsession, which you already have, you can learn a lot more about the hero instinct and how to activate it. Is this something that you have attempted with your husband?
Kanya
Hi Tina, The Idea of The Ex Back Signal is from His Secret Obsession. It refers to a text that was sent to an ex that ignited his hero instinct. While there are a variety of ways to work the request, the 12 word text they refer to is: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.”
Before you send something like this it is good to have an idea of what you are going to say. I say this because often times this text will get a quick response and you want to be prepared. As for advice or assistance with something and give him the chance to help. This often piques their curiosity about you and will tend to make a guy want to reach out again just to connect.
Kanya
Hi Hampton, That sounds so incredibly upsetting. I am so sorry that he was not able to provide comfort. Even if he was shocked and overwhelmed, he needed to calm down and figure out his feelings. Unfortunately, I don’t think he is someone who can do that. He just doesn’t see the value and isn’t willing to learn. Have you comforted that part of yourself that was hurt by this original assault and then your ex’s reaction to it? That hurt part of you deserves love, understanding, and support and the best person to give that to you is you! You certainly didn’t deserve what happened. While you can’t change what happened in the past you can change who you choose to spend your time with now. Every time he is mean to you, you are allowing someone to hurt you. You are an amazing woman and you deserve to be with someone who treats you in that way. I know that it is really scary to think of what is next. TO wonder if there will be a next but I promise you there will be. You need to take some time and get yourself to a place where you feel whole again. At that point you will be ready for what comes next.
I encourage you to try something. Take a few breaths and center yourself. Then, read your last post as though you were reading an email from a friend. How would you advise that friend? Would you encourage her to fight hard and work hard to win him back?
Kanya
Hi Danielle, There seems to be more and more concerns as you move forward. He tagged you but did he give you credit for your part in the project?
I too get the sense that he doesn’t want to be open about this relationship. Things seem to be piling up; not having energy to focus on the relationship. having a mysterious sexual issue that is preventing him from becoming intimate, getting defensive about your friends post. What is your gut telling you about all of this? Can you differentiate between your fear and your inner wisdom?
Kanya
Hi Hampton, I can understand that once he felt ‘betrayed’ by you he stop treating you with respect and understanding. Yet, it is your choice as to who you share that information with. I wonder, if on some level, you weren’t feeling safe or sure enough to share that with him from the start. Maybe your inner wisdom was guiding you in a positive way? I’m curious, once he found out did he provide comfort in any way to you about the experience and what you went through?
I imagine that right now you kind of feel like Alice in Wonderland things have changed so drastically. Of course you want to get things back to the way they were. When we loss someone that we are attached to in this way our brain goes into panic and focuses on trying to get that person, that comfort back. For now, he is not open to doing this. We don’t have the power to change anyone. We only have the power to respond to the ups and downs of life in a way that is supportive to ourselves. So, what are you doing these days to be there for yourself? What are you doing to love yourself unconditionally and comfort yourself through this difficult time?
Kanya
Hi Danielle, I am so glad to hear that he has come through in supporting you after your surgery. I can understand that he is consumed with his feelings at times. IT sounds as though you have done an amazing job of supporting him and really being there for him. At this point it seems like moving forward, taking time over the next few months to discover what the two of you can build, as you navigate his grief, is what can be expected.
I do agree that there are some concerns about moving forward.The challenge is, since he is still so sad I question the degree to which he will be able to work through any road blocks until his energy and focus return. You could simply let him know that you are looking forward to getting closer over time and looking forward to becoming intimate when the time is right. Let him know that you are open to talking about it if he ever wants to and then step back from the subject. Hopefully he will start to open up about any concerns of challenges he is having.
Do you know what his relationship history is like? Has he had challenges with sex or intimacy in the past?
Kanya
Hi Hampton, I really do understand how difficult this is.When we have such a strong connection with someone it is really difficult to even imagine moving on, no longer thinking about them anytime, even finding someone else.
I’m glad that Heidi asked about your childhood and family. Do you see a similarity between how your mom treated you and you needs and how this guy treats you and your needs? The blame for ruining the relationship continues to fall on your shoulders. You continue to try to please him, try to convince him. The challenge is, someone with these tendencies will keep you jumping through hoops but will never forgive you or forget. It is like being on an emotional hamster wheel. No matter how long you run, you don’t really get anywhere.
You shared above that you still want to be perfect for him but that isn’t possible. Perfection doesn’t exist. It is a false construct. You don’t need to be perfect for anyone to be lovable. Just being you, imperfect and human, should be enough for someone you are in a relationship with. Expecting perfection is an unattainable goal and will keep you working hard with little return.
Have you had a chance to look at the videos Heidi shared? I’m curious about your thoughts on them
Kanya
Hi Clare, I have reached out to James to see if there is specific working for this or if it is an idea that gets personalized depending on each situation. I know that is frustrating but I will get back to you on that! In the mean time I will share my understanding of what is being suggested.
I believe what James is taking about is triggering his hero instinct. Men have a basic need to be needed. They want to feel as though they are contributing and providing for the people that they love. You are in a god position because you are a new family. He is going to want to provide and care for the two of you. The way to trigger this comes in 4 basic steps:
Trigger curiosity
Wait
Reveal need
waitI know the waiting part can be difficult but is important. What have you been doing to trigger his hero instinct lately? That usually starts by sending a simple test “I need help” Then, you wait for a response, an acknowledgement that he is listening and wanting to help. Next, send him a request of some sort. Ask for help with something that is important to both of you. It is helpful to know what that request is before you send the initial text because most likely he will respond quickly. Then, let him help you. Let him take over a project, even if it is a small as moving a piece of furniture. Giving him opportunities to be your hero, combined with the changes you have experienced will be a powerful combination! What kind of things can you ask for help with?
Kanya
Hi Clare, I am so glad that you are o the forum. I imagine that things were feeling pretty bad for awhile. I acknowledge you for getting help and working together back to you again. I’m not familiar with the ‘ex back signal’ is but I do have some ideas for you.
Given all that the two of you have been through my sense is it will be important for him to see that you are back to yourself rather than just telling him you are back to yourself. How frequently do the two of you see each other? When you re together or the two of you communicate it is important to just be yourself and show him that you are back to yourself.
One thing that might be helpful is “The Relationship Rewrite.” You can find it under the ‘James Library’ tab under the menu. It lays out a step by step plan to get the relationship back on track. I suggest you read it through once and then go back and begin to put the steps in place. Patience will be your ally as it might take some time to rebuild the trust between the two of you. Your illness was stressful and overwhelming for both of you and it will take toe to repair things and get back on track.
You both have a lot of reasons to work things out given that you have a child now. I’m wondering, do you both have the support of your families to figure things out? What are you doing these days to take care of yourself?
Kanya
Hi Clare, I am so glad that you are o the forum. I imagine that things were feeling pretty bad for awhile. I acknowledge you for getting help and working together back to you again. I’m not familiar with the ‘ex back signal’ is but I do have some ideas for you.
Given all that the two of you have been through my sense is it will be important for him to see that you are back to yourself rather than just telling him you are back to yourself. How frequently do the two of you see each other? When you re together or the two of you communicate it is important to just be yourself and show him that you are back to yourself.
One thing that might be helpful is “The Relationship Rewrite.” You can find it under the ‘James Library’ tab under the menu. It lays out a step by step plan to get the relationship back on track. I suggest you read it through once and then go back and begin to put the steps in place. Patience will be your ally as it might take some time to rebuild the trust between the two of you. Your illness was stressful and overwhelming for both of you and it will take toe to repair things and get back on track.
You both have a lot of reasons to work things out given that you have a child now. I’m wondering, do you both have the support of your families to figure things out? What are you doing these days to take care of yourself?
Kanya
