Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Emilie, As I read your last few posts about ‘J’ i felt kind of confused. It seems as though you are a bit confused as well. I get that you two had a nice connection when you met. Those types of dates can feel mesmerizing. When we haven’t had that experience in awhile we naturally want more if that.
The thing is, it has been awhile since you saw ‘J.’ He flouts of the periphery of your life but isn’t doing anything to actually enter your life in a real way. He isn’t pursuing and he isn’t consistent. Why not just be honest with him and then let things go? Maybe send him an honest message saying something like “I think I may have been all over the place lately and I apologize if I have been confusing. The thing is, I like you and I’d like to get to know you better. I get that you are super busy and that you may not be interested in spending time together but if that changes I’d love to grab a coffee some time. If not, I wish you all the best!”
You really want him to be honest, maybe start by being honest with him and see if he can meet you there. If not, what do you think of refocusing on you? When you are ready focus on meeting new men who are ready to pursue you and treat you in a way that makes you feel consistently awesome?
Kanya
Hi Lucia, I am so glad that you are here! Yes this is an interesting situation. Clearly the two of you care for one and other and have a sweet connection.
First, I think that age differences are often workable. The challenge occurs when one person wants something that the other person either may not be ready for or may be past the time of wanting. That is something that seems to be a potential issue for the two of you. Yes, you could use a surrogate to have a child but at 58 do you really want to start a family. Having a baby is exhausting for someone in their 20’s. If you decided today to have a baby it would take some time to find an agency to work with, locate a surrogate, go through the process. And, it would cost approximately $100,000. So let’s say the baby is born when you are 60. Do you want to spend the ages of 60-78 co-raising that child? No matter how excited you are now at the thought of starting a family with this man, I don’t think it is realistic that anyone would have the needed energy to raise a child at that age. Does that make sense?
I’m also not hearing that he is ready to settle down and commit to a relationship. He is still looking. As a bi-sexual he will most likely always want to have experiences with males and females. How would you feel about sharing him with other people? What kind of relationship are you looking for and hoping for?
It sounds as though sleeping together is rather new. Have you though about simply enjoying where the two o you are? The beginning of any relationship is tenuous in that you can’t know what will come. In the past have you been able to enjoy the process and see how things naturally unfold?
Kanya
Hi Brittany, I really admire your desire to learn as much as you can about living with bipolar disorder. That is very important and you are staying ahead of the game! There are a few books that recommend you check out; The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder.
In general, it is important that you learn not to take his symptoms or reactions personally. You are an amazing young woman and you cannot ‘make’ him feel a certain way. You can do your best to support him, when he is pen to that, but remember that you can’t fix or change anything that is going on for him regarding his brain chemistry. It’s like saying you are going to love someone out of their cancer diagnosis, or diabetes. It can’t be done.
Next, learn to identify what you need when he is in one one his moods. You may want to stay close to support him but taking a break is going to be important for you! Remember what they say prior to an airplane taking off regarding a drop in air pressure; put the oxygen mask on yourself first! You need to take care of you to maintain your balance and health!
It seems like you are making the right moves at this time.Giving him space to get back into balance does need to occur before conversations about a relationship can occur! WE are here for you so keep up posted!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am so glad you are talking to some of your guy friends. It can be really helpful when trying to figure out the opposite sex lol. While you aren’t interested in your ex roommate I wonder if the friend route is the way to go. What if you and your single friends got together and and threw a singles party. The way it works is each single guy will bring a single girl and each single girl will bring a single guy. It is a fun way to get to know new people, all of whom are single! The more fun you can make it the better. Do you think your friends would get on board with something like that?
Kanya
Hi Brittany, It looks like you posted this in two different areas not eh forum. I responded to your other post. If possible, let’s just use that one going forward to simplify things. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Mel, It is interesting in that we learn about so many things in school and life but we rarely get an education in how to have a healthy relationship. Ultimately we learn by how our parents, and other adult role models, model being in a loving relationship. He lived with his father until his dad kicked him out. That tells me that their relationship, most likely, was not a loving and accepting relationship. He probably didn’t learn how to stay connected when you are upset with someone and didn’t learn how to resolve conflict. HIs mom was present but distance. In some ways he appears to be present but distant with you. At times he is judgmental and critical when he is upset with you. This may be reflective of how his dad treated him when he was upset.
Even though your parents divorced when you were 12, what did they teach you (by example) about being in relationship? What did they teach you about love? WAs it conditional? Unconditional? It is important to explore because the two of you may have very different styles as a result of what was modeled to you. Like most couples it will be important to find a way to meeting the middle and develop a more loving relationship style.
Kanya
Hi Brittany, Wow, things were moving really fast for the two of you! I think there are a few reasons to slow down a bit. Let’s take this piece by piece.
First, I totally get that the two of you have remained friends for the past 7years. The thing is, it doesn’t’t sound as though you’ve spent much time together. Is that accurate? If so, I suggest you date for at least one year before moving to be together. That is huge step and until you’ve actually been connecting to someone, seeing then a week every month or so, and weathering the ups and downs then it seems like a move might be premature.
The other reason I have concerns is due to his being bipolar. That is a huge situation and you need to really take that into consideration, learn what he is like over the course of time before you move. One of the biggest impacts of being bi-polar is how a person responds to the disorder. First of all, is he on medication? If he is in the military than my guess is he is not medicated. This is a disease that is difficult if not impossible to manage without medication. You need to learn, through experience, what his depressive symptoms look like, how long they last, and if you will be able to tolerate his coldness and irritability during this time. He may also have manic or hypomanic states. You need to know what these look like, how long they last, and can you manage the difficulties that come with that phase. Finally, you need to be in contact and seeing him enough to see what he is like when his moods are balanced and how long this phase lasts.
For now, he may still be in his depressed phase and so it may be some time before he can actually reconnect in a meaningful way. My guess is he is doing the best he can at this time. I don’t know how much you can do to repair until he is level again. While this is frustrating it is a good wake up call for you. See how long this lasts and imagine what it would be like to live in another state, away from family and friends, while he is going through this. Right now you can put the phone down and return to your life but if you were living with him then you would be dealing with this without a support system for weeks of possibly months.
When is his contract with the military complete? Does he has the intention of retiring? If so he would then have the ability to get not he right medication that would even out his moods on a daily basis. I know it is a lot to figure out and perhaps what I’ve shared is not what you were hoping to here. Know that our intention is to support you in all of this. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Heather, You are doing so well! I really acknowledge the way you were able to be open and honest with him and not minimize his needs!
Fr now I would not reach out to him. Just give him a little space. When you talked you did tell him to take him time and I think that is what he is doing. If you don’t hear from him for a week then I suggest you send him a test message igniting his hero instinct. That will often get a mn reengaged in a non-confrontive manner! What kinds of things could you ask for his expertise about?
Kanya
Hi KH, I am so sorry that this has occurred. I can understand why you are your sone are devastated. In order for us to assist you, we will need more information. Here are some questions that could guide you in your response.
What led up to him leaving?
What was the relationship like prior to him leaving.
Is there any infidelity?
Have the two of you had the same fight over the years with no resolution? If so, what was it about?
Have you the two of you been able to trust each other in the past?
HAs there been any separations in the past?Looking forward o hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Jacqueline,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must feel really unreal to you at times. While I don’t know him, my guess is he is hoping that this will just be forgotten like all the other lies etc. He is really good at being in denial and compartmentalizing the things he just doesn’t want to think about or talk about. It is literally not possible to have a relationship with someone so talented at this.
I think that the reason you would fall apart and feel as though you were going crazy was because you new he was lying to you but didn’t believe yourself. Instead you continued to believe his lies. I have seen that pattern often and it causes so much inner conflict. Even if we aren’t conscious of what is upsetting us, we are so undone inside because we aren’t trusting ourselves. Things get very confusing once we stop trusting ourselves. So the question I have for you is; why did you continue in this relationship when your gut told you that things were off, that he was lying, that he was probably cheating on you? I am in no way suggesting that you are to blame for his behavior; only he is responsible for the decisions he made. I do think that you need to look at some of your choices so that you can understand yourself better and learn from what has happened. By that I mean learn to trust yourself, learn to expect to be treated well, learn to take people for who they are.
I think he will need to be in therapy for a long time before things make sense to him. tHere is a lot that he will need to face inside of himself and that isn’t a pleasant process. It will take time and effort to do the healing work he needs to do. HE is blaming you for his behavior but saying that you were always complaining and always angry with him. Some of those feelings must be attributed to things being really off between the two of you. There was a lot that he was hiding and even if people aren’t conscious of the lies that are being told, well it takes a toll on the relationship. With so little transparency it is a wonder that things lasted this long before they imploded.
In terms of him being a good boy pretending to be a bad boy, I don’t think that is accurate. I think that he is lost in many ways and confused. While that is sad it is also emotionally dangerous. He has shown you time and time again that he doesn’t actually care about how his behavior affects you. Your world is shattered and he is just going along as though everything is okay, as though this will all magically go away. He has lied many times, far more than he has probably admitted. At the end of your post you share that you don’t know what to do. Is that accurate or do you know what to do and then get confused when you try to do it? BY that I mean you seemed to know that you wanted to leave. He showed you some vulnerable emotions, which quickly turned to something else, and you stopped. What are you hoping will come of this? DO you think your hopes are realistic given all that has happened?
Kanya
Hi Tamara, You are doing great! No all connections end up being a relationship. The most important thing you can do is not take his actions personally. As soon as I saw that he was calling you baby so soon after dating, well that was a red flag for me. The guys that start off strong then become aloof are the ones that we tend to feel a greater level of attraction for. WE want then to go back to being the guy that made us feel like the most amazing women in the world. Who wouldn’t want to feel that way! The thing is, that initial guy is not who he really is. the guy that ghosts you and puzzles you and ignores you, well that is who he really is. The reality is, you deserve soooo much more!
I wouldn’t assume that all guys will be like this. Given that you’ve only been back in the dating game for a short time I think it will take some time to figure out some signals and to identify sincere guys. Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is not about being a better girlfriend. This is about learning to discern between guys who are sincere and guys who are not. Getting intimate before you actually know, through experience, who someone is will definitely make things even more confusing! Why? Because women’s desire to attach will increase once sexual intimacy occurs. A man’s desire will not increase as a result of sexual intimacy. For many men who have a pattern of conquest, becoming intimate will actually turn them off. If this is their goal then once they attain it things become less interesting for them and they often move on. It can take a while to determine who these guys are because they are so good at sweeping women off their feet.
What if you used one of the dating site that are known for people who are interested in developing a serious relationship versus those that are more hook up sights? Have you tried that?
Kanya
Hi Alexandra. I am so glad that you are here! The situation you describe is a common experience. Yes, if things move too fast men can get bored and loss interest. It is all about building the emotional connection. Yes, chemistry is important but an emotional connection with you is what makes the guy want to move forward.
You mention that you are impatient. Do you think that this causes you to push for more too fast? You really do want to allow him the to miss, wonder where you are, and pursue you. I think it is important to let him initiate communication more frequently at this point. When he does initiate, take your time in responding. Let him feel that feeling in his gut that you often feel-where is she? I would also let him initiate getting together. If you are leading then he may be less interested because at this point he needs to lead.
I realize that this might be difficult because as you shared, you are impatient. So lets look at why you are impatient? Why is it so uncomfortable to take your time building something? For many people it just feels very vulnerable as you get to know someone and you don’t know where things will ultimately go. It’s normal to feel that in the beginning. While pushing to get through that phase may help with the short term discomfort, it actually doesn’t allow a couple to build a solid foundation. Right now the two of you barely know each other. There is so much to learn and you need to learn these things before you decide who this person is. As an example, he works a lot and is only available one night per week. Long term that might not work for you. You need to spend a lot more time getting to know each other to discover who the two of you actually are.
In terms of intimacy, if you haven’t started to sleep with him then I would encourage you to delay this step! You’ve been out=r four time and he already isn’t as available as you would like. Once you sleep together your attachment to him will grow and you will naturally want more. This could add pressure to him about being further along than he is ready to be. You need to match your behavior to his at this point. What I mean but that is you need to have the same or close to the same level of investment as he does. Otherwise you will feel intense longing and disappointment and that will definitely affect things between the two of you! When you do see each other, are you going out on dates versus just staying in? He still needs to be pursing you and wondering if you are going to let him in further.
There is a great book that explains the steps involved in building a relationship. It’s called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. She also explains why each stage is important and why people sometimes want to rush through a step. I highly recommend it. Overall it sounds as though you need to slow down. Work with your emotions so that you are on the same page with what is actually happening between the two of you. This relationship is a small sprout just sticking up from the earth. Patience, understanding and an ability to slow down is required! Thoughts?
Kanya
HI Emilie, Of course! Sometimes it can feel as though we are living in a world made for couples and that can trigger a lot of different feelings. After I responded to you last night I thought of a book that you might be interested in. It’s called “Calling In The One” by Kathrine Woodward Thomas. It’a a really interesting take on how to attract your mate. I really recommend you read it.
I’m also wondering how you are meeting men these days? I get the sense that having more options would be helpful and more productive. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I totally get it! I always wanted to have kids as well. For a variety of reasons I did not have biological kids. I was very, very sad about that at times but I always came back to this feeling in my gut that I would be a mother. I couldn’t figure out how it was going to happen but I trusted in it and I looked for signs!
Eventually, I decided to become a foster mom. Through that process I learned about fostering a children who are refugees. I’m now the mom of two amazing kinds. My son is 18 and my daughter is 13. They come from Myanmar and have faced unthinkable struggles during their life time. Now they are here, safe and cared for they are learning so quickly, and thriving. It is amazing to see them learn everyday. They have seen the worst of humanity yet they wake up each day happy and excited to participate in their new lives.
All of this is to say that if you want to be a mother, you will find a way! We may not always know how we are going to achieve our goals but if you keep site of that goal, I believe, the Universe will help you achieve it!
Kanya
