[Kanya D]

Hi Renee, So glad that you checked in! It sounds like you are doing great! I love that you are moving forward, open to dating new people, and supporting yourself to an amazing level! It sounds like you are ready to let K go and move forward. Things do seem to have played out and I can understand that you feel he didn’t think things through when deciding to break up with you. That seems like the final frustration to a frustrating situation. I also recommend you trust your gut and make taking care of yourself a priority!

Let’s talk about S. I am so happy to hear that the two of you are developing a close friendship. That is really wonderful. IT sounds as though the two of you support each other and at this time you can rely on him. There is a red flag that he too is suffering from PTSD. Perhaps you can focus on a friendship first so that you can see how his PTSD affects him and his friendships. He shared that he treated his ex in a similar manner to how K treated you. It seems like you may need to take things very slowly while keeping your eyes open!

And, I am so glad that you r daughter is dong better! That must make you feel so much more at ease now that she is safe and getting her life back together!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jill, I am so glad that you are here! Blended families are complicated! Even the best managed families are stressful and it can be confusing when considering discipline and the different parenting styles parents and step parents have. People have different comfort levels with kids talking back. Some people feel it is important for the child to express themselves and others feel that they need to be more authoritarian. The more parenting styles differ, the harder it can be.

Can you answer a few questions for me? How long have you been married? How old is your step son. Did you have a positive relationship with him prior to marrying his father? DO you and your husband have open lines of communication about this?

One thing I will encourage you to do is to consider that there are many different parenting styles. To say that you want him to parent his son “like he should” tells me that you have different styles. If you really want to resolve this it will be important to understand where your partner is coming from with his ideals. It is also important to understand that for kids in blended families, well they are even more confused and triggered than the adults. They need to see respect from the step parent in terms of how they re treated. Otherwise, it will feel like ‘game on’ to that kid. Can you share more so that I can better support you? I’m looking forward to hearing bak from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Disha, Thank you for sharing more as it is really helpful!

This is interesting timing as he is dealing with the pressure of family tradition. He may not want an arranged marriage but if he says no and pushes back he causes his family pain which I am sure is difficult and confusing for him. The fact that he is sharing all of this is wonderful. That tells me that he is building an emotional bond with you which is very important. Does he continue to text you daily even if it is less frequent?

It sounds like dating more than one person would be difficult for hm and how how he sees building a relationship. Yes, he is super busy but it is kind of amazing that he is finding time to text and talk and even see each other given all that he is dealing with. What is it that you want in all of this? Are you comfortable taking things slowly and dating someone who is always going to be busy helping others and juggling a career in medicine. It isn’t what it used to be as the demands are growing and more and more is expected of physicians in terms of the numbers of patients they see.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Dana, Sometimes it really is like they are speaking a different language! Let’s do a little detective work.

When he opened up he shared some things that seem very relevant:
Seeing each other every weekend was too much
I want to start again but move really slow

When you went up for the third time I wonder if he went into overload? You were cooking, which is amazing and generous but more like a relationship than dating. You left on a Wednesday. You texted on Thursday afternoon, Thursday night, Friday morning and on some level was hoping to see him again on the weekend. Hmmmmm. My guess is it started to feel overwhelming for him. What if going slow means saying no sometimes? What if it means not hearing from each other for a day or two at times? What if it means not spending weekends together for awhile? What if he needs more space when he is dating someone. Not because that person isn’t important but because that is just the way he is. Honestly, this is the way a lot of guys are.

I know, that is so frustrating that he can’t talk about it but I wonder if he feels safe and comfortable to talk about it? When he opens up, how do you respond to him? Do you think he feels like you take his concerns seriously? Here is an example that sticks out for me; He shared that he felt like you gave him a hard time when he went out with his friends. Rather than letting him know that you have a different opinion what if you took a breath and asked him to share more about that with you? From your perspective you didn’t give him a difficult time yet from his perspective you did. Creating space for him to share more is important. IT is the way you will find out what past experiences have affected him and how. I’m not saying that him going out with friends is the problem, it’s just an example of a conversation that may need to go deeper.

And, I’m not saying that it is okay for him to ghost you. If he needs space then he needs to communicate that to you. Given that he isn’t really reaching out to you right now I would take a step back. If you haven’t heard from him in the next week I would send a short text that says something like “I’m sorry if it felt like things were moving too quickly again. I am really happy to learn how to do this in a way that works for us both. The thing is, if you don’t talk to me I don’t know what you are needing. Let me know if you want to figure this out together.” Then leave it at that. The ball is in his court at that point. As difficult as it may be, it is important to really understand why he can and cannot do at this juncture! Thoughts?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Disha, Yes, he does have a lot on his plate. Being a surgeon can be increadibly stressful and will definitely intrude on his personal life at times! Add to that his current preparation for the exam in June and you’ve got a serious double whammy in terms of him time commitments. I think the plan of moving slowly is a positive one!

Have the two of you talked about being exclusive? Have you thought about dating in a non-serious manner to help you avoid over focusing on him and this potential?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Venitta, Since he hasn’t responded I would say stop for now. He shared that he will text when he can. Do you think he is planning on texting or do you think he is feeling like he is losing interest? IF you moved too quickly this is a definite possibility. I would give it at least a week then send him a text igniting his hero instinct. Think of something you would like to ask him opinion on and then send a text that says “I need your help.” When he responds, ask your question and then share how helpful it was.

Jus two touch on the moving too fast situation. The reason this is detrimental is because it doesn’t allow a guy to develop an emotional bond. Sex can happen quickly but an emotional bond takes time. Being physically intimate too soon distracts from the emotional bond being created. Developing an emotionally intimate bond feels awkward and vulnerable. Two people are letting themselves open up and share with someone new. You don’t know what is going to happen and it is scary. However, it is necessary in order to have the emotional bond. Women often eel an emotional bond after having sex but men can have sex without feeling an emotional bond. It can be very confusing when a woman feels that but a man doesn’t. Are you feeling this way currently?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Seems like he ma be slowing things down. During the last month do you feel as though things moved too quickly? How many times did you hang out? Did you actually date and let him pursue you? Have you also slowed down a but and allowing him to pursue you even if it takes some time for him to reach out to you?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Disha, I can understand why this is frustrating. His behavior is changing a bit and your feelings are hurt. While may women will respond this way, if you want to reconnect with him there are more effective ways!

As you shared, he is texting you a few times a day so I would focus on that! You guys just met 3 weeks ago. You are still in the ears dating phase. IT is normal for communication to wax and wane at times. Everything is soooo new. You aren’t yet in a committed relationship so to have the expectation that he, you both, are figuring out next steps. Can you tell me more about the “I love you text” What was the contact of this as it seems super early to be saying that.

For now, I would apologize for how you spoke to him. Correcting his behavior in this way will push him away. Instead, send him a text reminding him of how fun and amazing you are. Or, don’t text and give him time to miss you! You can also ignite his hero instinct which will motivate him. This is the begging and it is importune that it stays fun, light, and playful!

Kanya

O love you love text.

[Kanya D]

I love that you are already noting how beneficial your self care is! You have some amazing goals and I see no reason why that won’t happen! Of course you re falling off the wagon at times. This behavior is so new that is bound to happen. It’s the nature of growth. It will just take time and practice! It might seem slow at times but one day the earth will be shaking beneath you and you will remain calm! One day a friend will ignore an important text and you will quickly forget about it! One day you will hear the inner conversation that we all have and realize that you are being incredible kind and loving to yourself – without even thinking about it!

Are there particular areas that you are wanting to be more vocal about your needs? If so fill us in a bit so that we can help you navigate that!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi,I am sorry to hear that he has moved on. That is never an easy thing to hear! I acknowledge you for being willing to support his relationship. While that is not easy, it is the mature and professional thing to do. I also acknowledge your willingness to take a look at your behavior and see if there are ways that you want to make some changes.

I can understand that it is difficult to explore our own behavior at times. It is not always easy to ackowledge the part of ourselves that are still learning and growing. There is a book that you might find interesting at this time called “The Dance of Anger.” It is a wonderful book that explains anger in a really interesting way. It talks about the purpose of anger, different ways to express it, and the reasons why we can become hurtful with others when we are angry. I think you would really like it. Can you take a look and we can talk more. You can do this without judging yourself! You’re just learning and growing like all humans!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rose, I can understand why you are frustrated. From your perspective this is a good man and you believe that the two of you would be good together. Perhaps you would, under different circumstances. Given that the two of you dated a few years ago and he has not reconnected in a meaningful way,I agree with Heidi in that he is not interested in pursuing something with you. I have no doubt that you would be an amazing wife but for what ever reason he is not open to that possibility. I don’t think that you have done anything to ‘ruin’ this. I just think that the two of you are not a solid match, don’t have the longevity to make something work. Yes, you see that it is possible but unless he sees it as possible it won’t happen. He have proven to you that he doesn’t think it is possible.

You have used all the ways we share about getting his attention and he is not paying attention. That says to me that something is in the way for him that you can’t change.This is just where he needs to be right now. You’ve spent a lot to time and energy trying to win him over but he is ignoring you. The reality is, if he can’t see the possibility here then it is time to move on. I know that this is not what you were hoping to hear. You’ve been holding on to a vision for a long time and it may be difficult to let that vision go. Letting go of him might feel scary to you, might make you wonder if there will be anyone else out there who is interested in you. Let me assure you that this is totally normal! Sometimes we have a vision of something that we want and we can nurture that vision for a long time but sometimes we need to change that vision slightly in order for it to become real.

What if you continue to imagine the vision, the quality of relationship that you want with the quality of man that you want, but change it slightly. What if you stopped thinking that it was this guy that you needed to be with and instead asked God to bring to you the man that would better fit in your vision of partnership and family? Even though it will be scary. What do you think of that option?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Alexa, I am sorry that you are feeling so down on yourself. Sometimes it can feel like an avalanche of self judgement when we are in this place. While we all judge ourselves at times, when we are critical and unforgiving we begin to impact our own confidence in big ways. Learning to become a loving coach or cheer leader to ourselves is vital on many levels. Even the best relationship will have ups and downs and you need to have the inner strength to weather those ups and downs without falling apart or turning on yourself.

Now is the time to strengthen your relationship with you! You need to be excited by you! You need to learn to develop a strong and secure connection with yourself so that you feel safe and secure no matter what is happening in your life. Are you working with a therapist at this time? I think it would be helpful in terms of helping you help the younger part inside of you that isn’t feeling lovable just as she is. There is a great book that I think would help you learn to do this. It’s by John Bradshaw and it is called “Homecoming; Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. The book is amazing! It takes you through each age stage and describes how a child developed with loving, accepting parents and how a child developed when a parent is not able to give them what they need emotionally. It also helps you learn to develop that loving relationship with yourself! I think that now is the perfect time to explore this.

There are many, many ways to have a meaning full life. Yes, being in partnership and caring for children can bring meaning but this can happen in many ways. And, many women without children find meaning. While you don’t know exactly what is going to happen you need to have faith that things will work out in a positive manner for you even if it looks different than you imagined. Now is not the time to try to figure out your future. You are feeling so negative that it will be difficult to see the many possibilities that ARE available to you.

For now, take care of you and slow things down. Focus on self care and learning to feel good about you again. Some days all you really need to do is breathe in, breathe out, repeat!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emilie, I totally hear you. Sometimes we all need to take a break from dating and to refocus on our own lives! It does sound like you are busy which is great. Please continue to follow your gut as to what you want/need to focus on. In time you will know when you are ready! All the best and keep us posted!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Hortencia, I’m just a little confused. TO clarify, the man you started to date who has a put you in the friend zone you say in your finance? And your partner of 11 years is actually your husband whom you are divorcing. Is that accurate?

It sounds as though the new man wants you to be legally divorced before he pursues a relationship. That isn’t that unusual. There are a lot of reasons why this is important. Yes, things were winding down but spending 11 years with someone, well it does take some time to untangle from that. Getting a divorce will trigger a lot of emotions even when you are ready to move on. This can and will affect your ability to truly connect with another person. That is just human nature.

In my experience, when people jump into another relationship quickly they often do themselves a disservice. Having time on your own between serious relationships is important for many reasons. I wonder if your new guys feels deceived and wonders what else you may not be telling him.

Question, why did you choose to not disclose this information to your new guy?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi SS, This is a difficult situation. I get the sense that he may be used to talking about things that upset him or the person he is with versus way you deal ‘going off.’ He may be concerned that this is the way you deal with conflict in general. As Heidi shared, feeling as though you are being verbally abused is not a form of behavior that we recommend people accept. Have you shared with him the you are aware that the way you responded isn’t okay and the you are committed to learning a different way to communicate? He may need you to acknowledge this otherwise he sees that this will keep happening. Does that make sense?

Overall, while you work on this it might be best to give him a little space. Let him see you in a work setting being calm and professional and reconnecting with the person he came to like.

Kanya

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