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Hi, Then it makes sense that you are feeling this upset. The thing is, it takes a long time to really get to know someone. You really need to be hanging out with someone for 6-12 months to really get a sense of who they are and how they will respond in the long run. I know that sounds like a long time but you just can’t get to know someone in a short amount of time.
When you first meet someone the only thing you know about them is what they want you to see. It is also easy to fantasize about someone because they are on their best behavior and you are looking for the good stuff! You need time, stressful situation, difficult conversations, arguments, time with family and friends just to get to know a person. It can’t be rushed even if we really want it to.
Given that you have done this in the past there is a great book that I think would be helpful. It’s called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. She lays out the healthy stages of a relationship why it is important to move through each stage. It is really helpful for someone who tends to rush or for someone who tends to stall. Can you take a look and see what you think?
Kanya
Hi Tina, It makes so much sense that it is difficult at times- how could it not be? You are changing so many patterns and doing some seriously significant work here. It’s like building a muscle; it takes time and sometimes you wonder if you are getting anywhere but eventually you start to see the progress.
For now, showing him with actions will be more powerful than words! What types of actions are you taking at this time that are communicating your loving and acceptance?
Kanya
Hi Ashley, so glad you are here! So, this is a complicated situation.
I have a few questions:
How old is your son and how long have the two of you been together?
Are you living together?
Has your guy been dishonest in the past?
When did the two of you break up , for how long, and what made the two of you get back together?
Have you shared your concerns about him hiding things from you?Kanya
Hi agree with Emilie — YOU ROCK! Yes, he so does not deserve your attention! Even when someone starts a new job, they find time for what they want to find time for. Keep doing a great job cause you got this girl!
Kanya
Hi Pim, I don’t believe it the methods will make a gay man want to marry a woman.
If you are looking for a friend to marry you to help you out of a difficult situation, well that is something different. You need to talk to him, or another friend, and let them know what is happening for you and what you need. They can decide for themselves if this is the right thing to do. Asking someone to marry you, in any situation, is one of the biggest decisions that anyone can make. It isn’t something that should e taken lightly.
Is there another option for you in terms of managing your complicated family dynamic?
Kanya
Hi Pim, If he is gay using the hero instinct may inspire him to help but I don’t think it will make him fall in love with a women. Does that make sense?
Kanya
HI Samantha, I’m a little unclear if you are friends or if you are dating again. Given that you re falling in love and he does not seem to be in the same place I would pull back a bit. You don’t want to be so far ahead of someone you re dating because that can get confusing and really painful. If you are dating, is he initiating contact and getting together? What does he say about where the two of you are right now? When did he break up with his ex and do you believe he he is over her?
When he does text, take your time answering, When he does want to hang out, practice saying no sometimes because you have other plans. Actually make other plans so that you aren’t as available. Have you tried flirting and being your playful self? What have you read in the program that has been helpful?
Kanya
Hi Avis, This is such a difficult situation. I am glad you are looking for some more thoughts on this. So, the affair ended in September, correct? Does he want to be with the person he had the affair with. I can imagine how confusing this is for you as I am confused!
First, what boundaries have you set up? Are you getting better at ignoring the argument bait? By this I mean are you able to avoid or walk away from the arguments? IT seems like he might be working hard at pushing you away since he doesn’t really seem to know what he wants. You share that you want the marriage back to a healthy and happy place. Realistically, how long has it been since you felt that way in the marriage? When it was good, were the two of you able to talk about the relationship, your feelings, work through difficulties?
When did he start to believe and share that he is not capable of feeling or giving love?
Kanya
Hi Tina, What an inspiring update! I really acknowledge all the work you did to get to this point. I love that the two of you are learning to manage triggers. This is so very important in this type of situation. AS you know, things can get escalated quickly. It is great that the two of you are committed to staying safe and supportive with each other
I am glad to hear that you are listening to your intuition! Since it is saying that it isn’t time, have you considered just continuing to do what you are doing and maintain the friendship? It seems like that may be all he is able to give at this time. Do you think you can do that and still allow yourself to be open to new possibilities?
Kanya
Hi, I am so glad that you are on the forum! Wow, that was a really full week! Looking back I can see a couple of messages that he gave you that may have been hard to read. First, Day 4 he doesn’t include you in his day as planned and doesn’t even call or message you to let you know so that you can make other plans. Then, he texts you and says that HE IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR A RELATIONSHP but that you can go over and have sex with him. This is a huge red flag. He is letting you know that what he has to offer is very limited. And, he has held true to that initial message.
The fact that he invited you to spend time with his daughter when the two of you have only know each other for a few days is also a red flag. Relationships need to be developed and serious before a child meets anyone. I can tell that you want more than this person is able to give. My guess is that he really wants someone to sleep with but not someone to develop a relationship with. I hear that you miss him but that is a bit confusing. You’ve only known his for a a shirt period of time. It’s kind of like you ran up the stairs and are on the 45th floor and he is still on the second floor. You need to walk down to the second floor and give as much of your time and energy to this as he is. Being so far apart from each other can be confusing and even overwhelming. You don’t understand why he acting the way he is and he doesn’t understand why you are acting the way you are.
It seems like for you the two of you were in a full blown relationship. Is this something that has happened in the past for you as well?
Kanya
Hi Disha, A pottery class sounds like a great idea. Given that he is so busy it is great that you had a chance to hang out. It says a lot that he is opening up and sharing more about his life. That is definitely positive.
I hear what you are saying about his friend. Do you know if this friend is a female? When they talked did it sounds as though they were talking about a work issue or did it sounds more personal. My guess is, if he felt the need to hide something from you he would not have answered when he was with you. Does that make sense?
When the two of you hung out did he act as though he is was a date? Were their any PDA’s, kissing, laughing? What did it feel like to you?
Kanya
Hi Becki, I get the sense from what you are sharing that your husband in burnt out. He has been going, going, going for a long time and I think his body and mind is exhausted. First, has he been to a doctor to get a check up? It is important that he make sure his body is functioning in a healthy way. The doctor should screen for any serious conditions that could be affecting him. He seems to be suffering symptoms of depression which can point to underlying health issues such as heart health, diabetes, and even cancer. Doing due diligence with his doctor and getting screened for this, diabetes, heart issues etc. seems like a good idea.
It also sounds like he may not be good at practicing self care. Does he sleep well and does he sleep enough? Does he exercise and eat in a relatively healthy manner? There is a great book on male depression called “I don’t want to talk about it.” I think you would find it super helpful at this time.
For now Would not panic. Let him know that you recognize that he is going through a difficult time and that you are committed to helping him. As he suggested, work on being friends again. DO you have a sense of what that means to him? If now, ask him in a calm and interested manner. Don’t focus on this relationship for now but just focus on being there for him. My sense is, as he feels more connected he will open up more to what is going on for him.
In the mean time, you need a support team to help you get through this. Who are you talking to? Who is reassuring you and helping you sort through things? Who is reminding you how amazing you are???
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Nice ti hear from you! I love that you are keeping busy and focusing on you!
If you do respond, definitely be casual and a bit aloof. Give him the sense that you aren’t interested and that if he wants you he will need to put a lot more into this! It sounds like you might be okay with not even responding for awhile. Either way is okay! Keep trusting your gut!
Kanya
Hi Disha, It is true that for now you don’t have him but it remains to be seen what he does and how much he has to give. As Heidi shared, it is still really new and we just don’t yet know if this really is about being busy or if he is the type of guy who is more comfortable texting rather than getting to know someone in person.
From what I can gather, the two of you met about a month ago and have seen each other 4 times. You’ll need to see if he can make time to see you again in the next few weeks. If not, you may be in limbo and this is the best that he can give. For now, try to take a step back. Think of this guy as a friend that you’ve been on a few dates with rather than someone you are falling for. He isn’t giving you a lot at this point so be sure to reset your heart in a way. I get that you are really liking him and missing him. As difficult as it is, try not to get attached to him. He hasn’t earned that from you yet and he hasn’t done the work for that. In the mean time, what are you doing to refocus on you?
Kanya
Hi Dana, As Heidi shared, this is a mystery in that he won’t tell you what is going on inside of him. It is clear that you didn’t use him regarding the car so why not give yourself a break and let that go! You are not to blame for his inability to communicate when he is stressed out. That is on him! That is something that he needs to address and unfortunately he is showing no signs of doing that. This is who he is and will be! The man he showed you wasn’t really him. It was him showing who he could be when he wanted to win someone over. It is not sustainable for him.
I think that the only thing you can do at this point is let go and start to heal. When he contacts you again realize that no matter what he says he is not going to be there, is no going to communicate. Even if he promises, even if he seems to be opening the door a smidge, it is temporary. I know that you really want him to be different and you want things to work out. When he gives you a sense that it is possible and explains himself a bit it all seems possible. The thing is, he just doesn’t speak right language emotionally. And, he won’t learn anytime soon if at all. This was the chance for him to work through the difficulty of learning something new and he hasn’t. That hurts so much-how could t not hurt.
Right now the anger you feel is helping you distance and feel the outrage that you need to feel to move on. Also let yourself feel the sadness and heart break as this is important to moving on as well. Getting away right now would be great if you can swing it. Can you stay with a friend rather than having to pay for a hotel?
Kanya
