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Hi Frenicia, Thanks for sharing more. It is really helpful!
First, it sounds as though the religious conversion is a deal breaker for him. Unless that is in place it sounds as though he is not comfortable moving forward. WE all have deal breakers, some of which make sense and some of which do not. The important things is to take them seriously and be respectful of what your partner needs.
Speaking to that, I am concerned about his anger issues. IT sounds as though this is part of his personality and something that his family just accepts. The thing is, if he is doing this now, before you are even married, I have no doubt that his anger will intensify after the wedding. Whether this is simply immature coping skills or a chemical imbalance, this is a difficult type of person to live with. He will be upset with you much of the time and you will be put in a position where you have to please someone who will not be pleased.
I’m also concerned that even though the two of you were broken up, he believed you cheated on him. He’s not being reasonable with you. Do you see the pattern that you are almost always in the wrong? That he doesn’t have things to improve on? How could you live in that type of situation long term? How could anyone live in that situation long term without feeling broken down and exhausted by it? Please, think rationally about this and really weight the reality of the situation with the hope of what it could be. This is the relationship that you will have. It won’t get better and all signs point to it becoming more difficult. How do you imagine dealign with this for the rest of your life?
Kanya
Hi Kelly, I hear how frustrating this situation is. You two have really competing style of loving and that can feel very frustrating and lonely at the same time. It sounds as though after feeling disconnected for too long you start to melt down and that is when the anger arises. Have you tried to learn how to give that love and connection to yourself at that time so that you aren’t so angry? Given that the two of you have such different style and needs there will naturally be times when you want more than he can give you. This is when you need to have a plan on how to support yourself. First, do not take it personally. I know that sounds weird but it is truly not about you. It is about him and what he has to give in a relationship. Have the two of you ever gone to counseling to help navigate this situation? It can be really helpful in learning to understand each other better and focus on what does work in the relationship.
Working with a counselor can also help the two of you determine if you differences are just too big to manage. As an example, let’s say that you want to be connected on a daily basis and he wants to be connected on a monthly basis. That means that you will get your emotional needs me 1 out of every 30 days. That might not be realistic. YEs, you love him but I personally believe that compatibility and a shared love language is more important in terms of satisfaction in a marriage than love. Why? Because love changes over time but compatibility, wanting to just be around someone and enjoy life together, is more enduring.
While you can’t make him forgive you, to me the best thing to do is to show him that you have changed. The thing is, I’m not sure you could or should change that much. Is what he has to offer enough for you? Does the way he lives you make you feel loved? Is it enough? Can you imagine living the rest of your life with someone this cold and distant? My guess i, this is who he is and he isn’t really talking about making changes in himself. Is that accurate. I know that it is difficult to let go and start over but I think it is important for you to ask yourself if this is truly enough for you.
Kanya
Hi Frenicia, I am so glad that you are here. It sounds like the two of you have been through a lot together. I am so sorry too hear about the miscarriage. I know that can be a really painful thing to go through.
You shared that you really only have religious differences that you clash on. Are these surmountable? Which of you is most bothered by the religious differences? I’m curious, you mentioned that prior to September 2018 the two of you weren’t compromising and you were arguing a lot. What type of things were you arguing about? What were the triggers and how did the two of you argue?
I hear from your perspective you only disagreed about religion but what was a his perspective on what the challenges were?
Kanya
Hi Yvonne, It sounds like this is a confusing situation. I understand that you want to know if he is interested in moving forward as you have been in the friend zone for a few years.
Given that he is an accountant I would wait until after tax season is over. Then, I would just say something in a playful way like “Remember when you kept talking about marrying me? I kind of miss that!” Then listen to what he says. IN this way you are opening the door to a conversation in a playful, nonthreatening way. It will be interesting to hear how he responds.
Since meeting him in 2014 have you met and dated anyone else?
Kanya
Hi Yvonne, It sounds like this is a confusing situation. I understand that you want to know if he is interested in moving forward as you have been in the friend zone for a few years.
Given that he is an accountant I would wait until after tax season is over. Then, I would just say something in a playful way like “Remember when you kept talking about marrying me? I kind of miss that!” Then listen to what he says. IN this way you are opening the door to a conversation in a playful, nonthreatening way. It will be interesting to hear how he responds.
Since meeting him in 2014 have you met and dated anyone else?
Kanya
Hi Gosia, It is definitely hard to know when and how to talk about the future. For now, I would focus on trying to strengthen the relationship. Being more clear with him about your feelings, as Heidi suggested. Complimenting him more, reaching out to share something funny one in awhile, etc. I’d also suggest not being as available when he reaches out to you. In that way you get to see if his desire builds when you are less available. If he starts to pursue you more, then his desire is building. I would focus on that for a month or two and see if you note positive movement.
When you feel he is more connected, that is the time to broach a simple conversation about this. Something like, “I really like spending time with you. I don’t need a commitment at this stage but I’d like to think that we are moving in that direction.” Then, listen. Create a lot of space and let him talk about what he wants and is ready for. You may find the that he indeed is not ready to move forward and just wants to focus on fun. If that is the case, and you really don’t want to wait, then it sounds as though you will need to make a decision that makes the most sense for you. I’m sure that is scary but in the end your priority needs to be what you want and need. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Diana, This is great information, thanks for sharing more! It sounds like he is clear with one of his concerns; he wants to live together to see how the two of you manage the finances. I hear that you disagree but you admit that the two of you didn’t have to manage money when you were living in Brazil. Money is an area that brings tremendous disagreements to couples. These disagreements are real and ongoing and can affect relationships in a negative manner. Every couple needs to accept this reality and learn how to manage it.
Here is the thing, he is telling you what is getting in the way for him. But, when he does, you say, in a variety of ways, that his fears don’t make sense and/or don’t matter. You will need to take his fears seriously and focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. Again, the two of you are already partnering in figuring out how to support each other. It is imperative for him to see that you take him seriously and will seek a solution rather than pushing through and wanting him to get past it.
Are there differences in how the two of you manage money? How did the two of you interact when your apartment was being built? When you disagreed on how to spend money, how were those disagreements settled. On a larger scale, when the two of you disagree in general, how are those disagreements settled?
If you are really honest and realistic, do you feel as though your boyfriend feels as though you take him seriously? Does he feel like he has an equal voice? There is a sense that you are pushing him to be okay with something that he is just not okay with. He, like anyone, will need to see that his voice matters. I know it is really difficult but having the ability to compromise and help each other through difficult times in the relationship is one of the most important skills that any couple can learn.
It may seem as though his fears are taking over but I think that is happening because there is no action towards helping his fear by showing him the way to see, over time, that the two of you can handle the stress on managing money in a positive manner. Can the two of you sit down and create a budget and a long term plan that shows him you are on the same page, have the same goals, and can manage the stress of supporting yourselves?
Kanya
Hi Gosia, I am glad that you are on the forum. It sounds like this has really been up and down for some time. I can imagine how frustrating that must be! At this point, would he say the two of you are dating? Are you open about seeing each other with your friends? You mentioned that when you initiate he sometimes does not hang out with you. When he initiates are you always willing to hang out? Do you think this has become a friends with benefits situation? Looking forward to hearing bak from you!
Kanya
Hi Sophie, Wow, the more you share the more frustrated I get FOR you. I think he just rushed in without actually considering the long term and what he was actually committing to. Hinting at something that is bothering you is a terrible way to communicate. My guess is he just doesn’t have the skills to talk about things. So, when things started to bother him he ‘noted’ but never made sure he was being clear. Did he clarify what he had hinted at?
It is also a red flag for me that his friends were always around. That tells me that he may be uncomfortable with a deeper level of intimacy. Is he someone who has lived with people in the past. It almost sounds as though he may be someone who is uncomfortable being alone so he makes sure to have someone around. Do you think that might be accurate? Also, how old are you both?
Kanya
I can understand why you feel like you want to move forward and make plans! It sounds like neither of you has moved out and lived on your own. Sounds like that might be an important step BEFORE getting engaged and married. There is still so much to learn about yourselves before you even learn more about each other.
Can you clarify how old you both are?
Kanya
Hi Ashley, Wow, things have changed a lot in the last year. It sounds like he, and perhaps you, felt the relationship was over but have tried to make things work because of your son. I guess I’m not getting the sense that the relationship was solid on it’s own, something that was strong and self sufficient before your son was born. Staying connected as a couple during the first few years of a child’s life is difficult under the best of circumstances. Trying to survive such a stressful time when you don’t start with a solid bond may prove to be impossible. Was this a planned pregnancy? Was it something that you both wanted and committed to before he was conceived?
Kanya
Hi Sophie, I am really glad that you are here. This is such a difficult situation and I can underwent why you are feeling so upset. It sounds as though he is currently not open to working things out. Is that accurate.
Moving in together after 2 weeks is highly unusual. What precipitated this and were you both in agreement that moving in at that time made sense and would be a long term thing. Given that the two of you rushed in, I have the sense of what may have happened. I think that you both skipped a few relationship stages that are actually vital to falling in love in a lasting way. There is an initial stage f getting to know each other that is difficult and uncomfortable. Many people want to rush this stage because it is so awkward. However, if you don’t built each stage there is not a foundation to build upon. So, after 6 months or a year things can quickly fall apart.
What were the last 2 months of living together like? What were your disagreements about? Had you learned ways of resolving conflicts and disagreements?
Kanya
Pim, if that man is actually gay then I don’t see that he will be attracted to a women. At least, that has been my experience. Given that he has not responded I do think that he most likely is not interested in helping you. This is a complicated situation and not everyone would be open to getting involved and getting married to help someone.
I am concerned that you will rush into marriage with anyone and end up in a worse situation. Why must you find someone to marry so immediately?
Kanya
Hi Diana, I am so sorry that this is happening. It must be soooo confusing and frustrating. It sounds like there are times that you both are able to deal with it in a mature way and times when you both struggle. That is to be expected and totally normal. I think he is sure about what he wants – to build life with you. The challenge is, something is getting in the way for him. I don’t really think it is about you or his feelings for you. I know that probably sounds strange but I think it is marriage that he fears. I can understand why you feel as though he is playing with your feelings but I don’t think that is his intention. I think he is really struggling with this. It sounds as though, during your time off, that he realized that he wants to live together before committing to getting married. Many people feel this way and live together first. Is that something you are open to considering or is there a moral reason that this does not work for you?
Are the two of you continuing with therapy? That is important as it can help the two of you hear each other and work through some of what is getting in the way.I get that it is difficult to do something that may not feel authentic to you. But, as a couple you will need to renegotiate about many things over the course of your relationship. It will be important to be flexible and to be able to help the other person with their fears and concerns. Being made to ‘keep your promises’ even when they don’t fit what you need could provide a tremendous amount of pressure for both of you over the course of the relationship. I think that you need to keep working with a therapist and negotiate a new agreement. It doesn’t have to be now or never!
You asked how you can make him feel safe enough to no longer be afraid? I think both or you could benefit from learning to listen without judgment and really hear what the other person is saying on a deeper level. I hear a lot of love is present between the two of you. You will have many important decisions to navigate over the course of your marriage. Maybe this is just an opportunity to start developing the skills to do that. Again, it doesn’t have to be your way or his. The two of you need to find the middle ground! I have a few questions for you: How old are the two of you? Are his parents still married and if so are they happy? DO they respect one and other? Have they been good role models for creating a happy marriage? Is there any personal experience he has with marriage and/or commitment that was painful or confusing for him when he was a kid? Have either f you been married before?
Kanya
