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Hi Sylvia, I hear that you are afraid of learning about something that will be hurtful to you. I really understand that! AT the same time, it is important for you to know what really happened! It is the only way the two of you have a chance to rebuild. Even if he did cheat, which we don’t know if true, you may feel differently about it after you hear why he did it and what pain he was going through. For all we know it was just a flirtation that he stopped before it went too far.
I will say that I don’t know many couples who don’t need some help after they have been together for 9 years. In that time many couples hold back thoughts and feelings that might be hurtful to their partner. They don’t want to rock the boat or create pain but ultimately, these things we keep inside can become big problems. Working with a couples therapist can help both of you open up and share more authentically with each other. The things that have been getting in the way could be worked out which seems like the goal. For now, be strong, focus on your kids, and trust the process. You can do this!
Kanya
Great question, Leyla! If you have asked for her and he responds, I would not wait. I would respond within a few hours as he is doing something to help you!
But, it he just sends a ‘hi’ text after being out of contact for awhile I would wait at least 12-24 hours before responding. Does that difference make sense to you?
Kanya
Hi Agnes, I am so sorry to hear about the break up. That can be so upsetting and yes, confusing. Given that he is still reaching out I think you do have some chance of getting things back on track. The thing is, just saying you will change won’t mean much. But, showing him you have changed will! Can you start by being more positive, seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty? Are you open to figuring out why you got angry so easily and finding other ways to express those emotions?
Can you give me an example of something that used to make you angry so we can work with it a bit?
Kanya
Hi Jeannie, You are doing great! I understand that your mind is working overtime. Since you are so good at providing comfort, what if you provided comfort to yourself during those times? The nest time you feel like you really want to call him, take a moment and consider what you would receive from him that you really need. Would it be reassurance, positive feedback, feeling special? What ever it is, once you have identified it, think about ways to ignite that feeling inside of yourself. As an example, if you are hoping that a call from him will make you feel special then find a way to make yourself feel special. If you are hoping that he will reassure you that he likes you, reassure yourself that you like you and that you will always be there to love and support yourself. Learning to comfort ourselves and give to ourselves is vital in this process! You are worth all the love and support you have to give!
Kanya
Hi Leyla, Yes! This is a great thing to ask his advice on! Send him the 4 word text “I need your help” When he responds, tell him that you want to start working out but that you don’t even know where to begin and ask him to help you. That is a perfect way to ignite his hero instinct! Let us know how it goes.
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It’s definitely “J’s” loss and I am happy to hear that you are moving on! That is really great and I’mglad that you met someone that you really enjoy spending time with.
I get how excited you were and how easy the connections. And it makes sense that you would want to spend time together but have you considered that you may have moved too fast? I think that a shorted first date and second date and definitely waiting to have sex would have build more attraction and anticipation. If you think of yourself as an amazing prize or honor that you bestow on someone who deserves it, then that person you give yourself too needs to have earned it. This guy has not put in the time and effort to earn it.
If you move into the realm of relationship too soon, the energy doesn’t build, his emotional connection to you doesn’t build. He will need that to make time for you, to think of you throughout the day, to want more. If you give him too much of you so soon he won’t be working for more. So, be okay slowing down and getting to know each other. Even though it is scary it is vital to take your time. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Nena, How are you feeling these days? Are you sleeping better? Feeling less confused? I would definitely encourage you to give yourself lots of self care!!!
I am so glad you are meeting with a therapist. I think that will be very helpful for you as you navigate this. Remember that you are a strong and capable woman who has soooo much to give! I am excited to hear how your healing progresses and we are here to support you in any way we can.
Kanya
Hi Leah, Let’s see if I am up to date. You did see him, spent the night, had lunch the next day. He told you it was okay to leave your stuff and you asked him what that meant. What was his response? Have the two of you decided to try this again?
Also, you mentioned that he was “going out of town (with another)” does that mean he was going away with someone that he was dating? Please clarify. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Maribel, I am so sorry that this has been your experience throughout the marriage. HAs he really been like this for 13 years? If so, why would anyone have hope that this would change? Change seems unrealistic at this point. Perhaps that is why you have lost hope?
You shared that he wants to do everything possible to keep you from living. That is a concerning statement. Can you tell me what that means to you?
Kanya
Hi Latisha, Glad you are back! I’m unclear if you have met face to face once or if you have been interacting just through talking voice to voice and text. Can you clarify?
The thing that is a red flag to me is that he can’t find 2 hours in a week to hang out? That doesn’t really make sense. Why is he trying to date if he literally can’t make time to build something? When he said he had that Saturday off, did he talk about getting together? I just don’t see how this person has much to give other than being a text buddy. Let’s say you do wait until the summer, which is a few months away. Then, he has more time but what happens when he goes back to school. Does the dating stop again until winter break?I think he is either hiding something or is really bad at time management. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Jeannie,
I think that you continue to wait without going crazy. This is really quick and the reality is you will have so much to get to know about each other! That is going to take time so you need to slow your roll! This is one of the reasons it is not advisable to have sex with someone so soon. After sex a woman’s brain is swimming in oxytocin. That will literally make you start to fall in love! His brain is different and having sex does not create the same attachment for him. Your brain is getting attached which is why you feel a little crazy waiting for him to reach other. The thing is, he isn’t attached yet. You need to do what you can to stay in the actual moment to this. You two are dating, not in a relationship, not building a future. What do you need to do to readjust?
Kanya
Hi Sunny, what a great list! I acknowledge you for sitting down and making it. This is the map you will use to find your partner. Most likely you won’d find someone who can give you all of these qualities but decide which are the most important and know that they are non-negotiable! If being romantic is at the top of your list then say no to anyone who does not have that quality. The more a person can touch on the 5 most important qualities, the more loved and valued you will feel!
I know on-line dating can be frustrating but stick with it. Be yourself and trust yourself e=and eventually you will be spending time with me who meet your criteria!Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Cheyenne, I am really glad that you are here!
I’m guessing he is 20 as well. The thing is, 20 is really young for a guy to settle down. Yes you are 20 but you have a child so you are farther ahead than he is. While you can blame this on his family and friends the truth is, he is believing them over you. That is a real sign of immaturity. I don’t think he is actually ready, or emotionally equipped, for this relationship. I wonder if it would help if you took a step back. Let him know that you have decided not to push to see him. That you love him and want to be with him but that you want to respect his needs. Let him know that if and when he gets to a place where he wants to talk that you are open to listening. Then, stop communicating. Give him the space to figure out what he wants free from everyone else opinions.
When he does contact you, and I believe he will, don’t just back in. Focus instead on rebuilding the trust and the friendship. Take it more slowly. He needs to show you that he can trust HIMSELF to know what he wants and needs. Right now he is too influenced by others and you don’t want to be another person telling him what to think and do. BE the person that respects him enough to let him learn to trust himself. Yes, this will take time but building something lasting often does! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Nena, I can understand why you are feeling this way! You are talking to two men who really are not making you feel good about yourself. How could you possibly trust in yourself at this stage. I think the first thing you need to do is disconnect emotionally from both of these men. Obviously you and your ex will need to communicate because of your kids but let him know that they way he is treating you is unacceptable and certainly won’t make you fall in love with him again. Start setting those boundaries and trust yourself.
Next, take a step back with this other guy. You don’t have to stop talking to him altogether but focusing more of your energy on making yourself feel good, special and vital is needed at things time. If he can’t support those feelings in you then over time let him go as you start to feel stronger and stronger within yourself.
Have you ever gone to counseling? I wonder if that could help you figure these things out on a deeper level? You were young when you got married and you missed the developmental phase of learning to be on your own. That usually occurs for people in their 20’s who are single and finding their way in life. I know it is scary but you can figure this out! Obviously you are a strong and capable women who can learn to feel good whether you are on your own or in a relatiship. Thoughts?
Kanya
