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Hi Crystal, I am sorry that this is happening. First and foremost you need to understand that you cannot ‘get’ him to love you. Something inside of him is off, is not able to love you in that way. He’s been very clear that this is something going on inside of him. You can’t fix that for him. Only he can fix that. I am glad that he is going to therapy on his own to get some help and hopefully some perspective. The therapist can help him figure some things out which will be good for everyone.
I know I don’t have all of the information but it sounds like when he stepped back into the marriage 2 years ago he was doing it for his family and hoping that his heart would reengage. Unfortunately that has not occurred. Why we can’ currently know why, it is clear that from his perspective he really has given this all that he has to give. I don’t think there is anything you could say or do to change that in him He’s very clear that he does not want to keep hurting you and is clear that if he stays he will continue to hurt you. Would you agree with this? Unless he is at 100% I don’t think you will be happy and understandably so. He just doesn’t have the resources to be in a relationship. Im sure there are a lot of other things going on inside of him that hopefully therapy will help him figure out.
Since he can’t be the man you want him to be, and the man he wants to be, he is saying that he wants to stop trying because it just results in more pain. While that is really painful and confusing it is important that ou try to understand this from his perspective as well as your own. Can you share why the two of you separated 2 years ago? My guess is that what ever was happening that led to that separation was never resolved for him.
Kanya
Hi Crystal, I am sorry that this is happening. First and foremost you need to understand that you cannot ‘get’ him to love you. Something inside of him is off, is not able to love you in that way. He’s been very clear that this is something going on inside of him. You can’t fix that for him. Only he can fix that. I am glad that he is going to therapy on his own to get some help and hopefully some perspective. The therapist can help him figure some things out which will be good for everyone.
I know I don’t have all of the information but it sounds like when he stepped back into the marriage 2 years ago he was doing it for his family and hoping that his heart would reengage. Unfortunately that has not occurred. Why we can’ currently know why, it is clear that from his perspective he really has given this all that he has to give. I don’t think there is anything you could say or do to change that in him He’s very clear that he does not want to keep hurting you and is clear that if he stays he will continue to hurt you. Would you agree with this? Unless he is at 100% I don’t think you will be happy and understandably so. He just doesn’t have the resources to be in a relationship. Im sure there are a lot of other things going on inside of him that hopefully therapy will help him figure out.
Since he can’t be the man you want him to be, and the man he wants to be, he is saying that he wants to stop trying because it just results in more pain. While that is really painful and confusing it is important that ou try to understand this from his perspective as well as your own. Can you share why the two of you separated 2 years ago? My guess is that what ever was happening that led to that separation was never resolved for him.
Kanya
Hi Diana, I do understand how difficult this is. Are you ready to walk away or can you give in a few more months while you both work on things? This would be a few months of taking a step back from planning and giving him, and both of you, space to figure some things out. I know if seems like you have been waiting a long time, and you have, but you’ve only just started to work with a therapist. Give it time. My guess is there is more here than he is ready/able to express. Taking to foot off the gas and giving both of you space may help him understand himself more and open up to his concerns more.
While this is painful, there will be many times in a marriage when one of you or both of you change your minds about something and will need to renegotiate. Maybe this opportunity will help you both develop skills you will be able to use in the future to resolve disagreements and different time tables?
Kanya
Hi Elizabeth, It is great that you can recognize the many sides of your husband. Sometimes we are so triggered by what doesn’t work that we have a difficult time seeing what does work. It sounds as though there have been personality differences between the two of you from the beginning. I’m guessing that initially you would be the one to ‘give in; when differences occurred because that seems like more of your personality at the time. It makes sense that you have had power struggles because you sometimes see things very differently. It is important that you not take his style differences personally. Meaning, he isn’t being this way on purpose or because he doesn’t care for you. This is who he has been and scientific men really need to understand the benefits that will come with using his time energy to make changes. What does he feel is lacking in the relationship? What needs does he feel are not being met. Perhaps letting him know that being more tuned in with you will help you give to him will motivate him.
As a scientist he sees the world, and himself through logic. Emotions are not logical so these may confound him. We’ve talked about “The Love Languages” on this site before but there is a version of the love language book that he might like. It’s a version written for men that might make more sense to him. If he is open to reading it, it might help him understand your needs better. There is also a book by John Gray who wrote “Men are From Mars books. It is actually very scientific in nature and may appeal to your husband. It is called “Why Mars and Venus Collide:Improving Relationships by Understanding how Men and Women Cope Differently.”
I also wonder if you could trigger his Hero Instinct in a way that motivates him to connect on an emotional level. You start by sending a text that says “I need your help.” When he responds you can text something like “Can you help me learn how to communicate with you in a way that makes you want to understand me?”
Kanya
One thing you don’t need to beat yourself up over is grieving this relationship. Even if it feels like he doesn’t care, you honored yourself by actually giving ad that is a really important step to moving on! Most of us have moments during a break up where we think was are not enough; not special enough, not pretty enough, not nice enough, the list goes on and on. The reality is, you are enough! You are amazing. Neither of you is perfect but that really isn’t the point. You did your best and things didn’t work out. I often encourage people who are going through a break up to focus on the positive. I know, I probably sound crazy to you but ere goes. It is good that he showed his true colors as that is he person he really is. It is good that you are trusting that and moving on. it is good to see this now, after 7-8 months rather than after 7-8 years. You have learned so much about yourself and what you want in a person and a relationship that you will take with you into the u=future. If you can focus on that, seeing all relationships as a tool to learn and grow, then this is a wonder you.
There is only one relationship that will last with you for your whole life and that is the relationship that you have with yourself. That has improved intros and that is amazing! Please keep tapping to the video Heidi sent multiple times per day. I promise it really will help you move through this! I think going away and enjoying some sunshine will be really good for you at this time. WE are here for you when ever you need some support! You got this!
Kanya
Hi Ayesha, I am sorry. It sounds as though flirting may be natural and common in your culture so that makes it okay in his mind. I wonder, if instead of arguing of shutting down, you let him know how it makes you feel? Perhaps in a calm way he may be able to hear you and understand.
Often times couples get into negative habits of communication early in the relationship and it can take some work to change those habits.Perhaps saying something like, “I know you would never want me to feel like I don’t matter or that you don’t love me. The thing is, when you look at women in that way that is exactly how I feel. I really love you and I don’t want to distance from you. Something that would help me is if you looked at other women less.” Then, when he does pay attention to you, be affectionate and loving.
I would encourage you to not blame yourself for him giving attention to other women. That is not your fault, That is something he is choosing to do when his ego isn’t being stroked. One of the things that we do as adults is to learn to stroke our own ego in positive ways when needed. And, we learn to avoid doing things that create friction and discord in our relationship. You mentioned that support groups are a negative thing in your culture. What about therapy or counseling? Is that also negative as it could be very helpful for you and your husband.
Kanya
Hi Brianna, It sounds as though you are dealing with a really frustrating situation. I am so glad that you are here! The reason it is confusing is because he is sending you mixed messages. He is saying one thing and doing another. At the same time, he is clear that he is not changing or going to make things official. IN other words, yes, it is a load of crap. I think it might be difficult to process because your gut is telling you one things but you doubt yourself when he tells you something different.
You may not want to hear this but my recommendation is that you run from this person. End things, block him, do everything in your power to forget about him. Why? Because staying with someone who is treating you this way is never a good decision. He will continue to be himself, lie, cheat, and tell you he still wants you even when he has noting to give you. I know it is hard but it has only been 4 months. In my experience you can walk away from this and be over him sooner than you think!
The reality is, loving someone is not the reason to stay with someone. Loving someone is a sr=tart but there has to be a lot more present between two people for a relationship to work. Being respectful, honoring watch other, being clear, keeping your commitments. This and so much more is needed. The reality is, he doesn’t have what it takes to actually be successful in a relationship so it is time to let him go and move of. You can grieve and rebuild.
One thing I often suggest in a confusing situation is to stop listening to his words and instead ay attention to his behavior. What is his behavior telling you? From my prospecting, that is really wha you need to believe. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Crystal, I believe you posted this same question in another place on this site. Can you take a look at my response there so that we are only using one post to communicate with you? it might be easier in the future to start a whole new thread rather than posting a question on another thread. Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing your response.
Kanya
Hi Ayesha, My heart goes out to you. You are working hard to build and care for a family yet your husband doesn’t seem to be putting in the same sustained effort. That must be really painful! And, it sounds like his philandering have been going on for some time. He is openly flirtatious with others and doesn’t seem to care how it affects you. It sounds like you have been trying to manage a very difficult situation for a long time.
I can understand why it is difficult to be around him at this time. And yes, I do believe he has some narsacistic tendencies. Is cheating something that is common by the men in his family. I ask because he seems fairly open about it in some ways. You mention that when he flirts or is in appropriate with another women that you withdraw. Then what happens in the dynamic? Does he eventually apologize? Does he share that he realizes what he is doing is hurtful? Is there a limit that you are not willing to accept in this relationship and ave you let him know what that limit is? Finally, is he seeing this other women currently and how did you find out?
It is important to realize that men cheat for a variety of reasons. However, even if there was something missing in the relationship he has chosen to cheat in order to deal with it. I hope that you do not feel responsible for his choices!
For now, be smart. Take care of yourself and trust your gut. Who is on your support team at this stage? What family and friends are you open with about this situation? You mention that you have 5 children. It sounds as though you have had another child since you had your son 3 years ago. Maybe now isn’t the time to expand you family any more until you figure out what you want your life to be like and determine if he can be the man you want him to be. Keep breathing! We are here to help you. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Octavia, Ouch! I can understand why that comment is staying with you. Have you let him know that you are having a difficult time getting over it? Have you asked for some reassurance that he doesn’t really mean that?
So in the heat of he moment he said you were irrelevant? Can you give me some context for that comment? What was the argument about? Why did he feel you were irrelevant?
Kanya
Hi Crystal, I am glad that you are here! It sounds like you and your husband have been dealing with some challenges for a while. Would you say that since you reconciled a few years ago, even though you haven’t fought, things have been a bit off? Did you notice that he wasn’t feeling a spark or that he wasn’t getting what he needed? When the two o you did separate initially, what was the reason he gave? Has that problem been corrected? It seems like there is a lot here for the two of you to figure out. Have you considered working with a couples counselor?
Kanya
Hi Leah, Well, I know it sounds cliche but I think if you start to show him less attention he may become more interest. I know. the tis so weird but it’s true. Right now he is kind of keeping you on the periphery. If he wants you, well he knows that you will be there. In this type of situation men often take that women for granted. Starting to take a step back and not initiating might get his attention more. When he does eventually text, be slow to respond. Remember, you have a fun like with out him and he is going to need to work a lot harder if he wants a space in your life. Telling him this will not make a difference but showing him will!
I’m still concerned about his ex. Even if nothing is going on between the two of them I get the sense that she still takes precedence over the women he currently dates. Would you agree?
Kanya
Hi Leyla, Trust me, you aren’t the only person going to the gym who isn’t sure where to start! The important thing is you are going and showing up for yourself. That is a great start!
I would start by asking who can teach you the machine at the gym. There are so many to choose from and most are very easy to use once you understand how they work. Many gyms also offer free consultations. You can share your goals and they will create a personalized program for you. Have you ever talked to them about your goals or asked for some help working the machines?
Kanya
Hi Angelica, I can understand why you are frustrated and confused. He really is giving you a lot of mixed messages; he has been dating someone else, wants to be with his ex but that isn’t possible, doesn’t want you to leave his life, etc. The thing is, is this guy pursing a relationship with you? It seems as though he is putting in barely the minimum to keep some degree of connection but not applying himself in any real way. Get that you think about him every day and that you were hoping for more. I just get the sense that if you continue to invest in this person you will continue to be disappointed.
On the past year, since you have been broken up, how much energy have you spent in getting on with your life without him? Have you dated anyone else or been open to getting to know someone new?
Kanya
Hi Agnes, I agree with what Heidi shared. When you asked if it was too soon did you mean too soon to text or too soon to talk about things? TO me, sending a text like that doesn’t mean that you get it all and that you are healed. It just means that you are at the start of this process and you want him to know that you are starting to get the affect it had on him AND that you are grateful for how he handled it and supported you. IT is a way to start dialoguing about the pattern when you aren’t upset or triggered.
May I suggest a book that might be helpful for you? It’s called “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner. It is a classic in terms of self help books and sooooo informational. I think you would learn a lot about why you sometimes react the way you do as well as ways to manage that anger and channel those feelings more effectively.
I understand your doubts- they are normal. Of course you worry about the future and what might happen. But even as you share your concerns I hear a strong and clear voice that knows these things are not going to happen. Focus on growing that voice and trusting the process.
Kanya
