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Hi, I think you are spot on when you said it is starting to feel reminiscent of the past. It seems clear that he is hiding your relationship form his son and his sons mother. While we can’t be certain of why, he has shared that he doesn’t want to be in an official child support situation and him dating could make thing far more complicated with his ex. One trait this person had years ago, and still has, is a keen ability to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat or committing. The last night he gave you mixed signals and he is definitely doing it again.
I can understand why it would he highly confusing given his initial excitement and promises. The thing is, his words do not meet his actions. When this occurs, it is vital to pay more attention to his behavior than his promises. Your gut knows something is off here. He is hiding you again, just like he did in the past. He has plenty of reasons for doing this and can rationalize all of those reasons. If he was really committed to building something with you he would weather any difficulty this created in his relationship with his ex and be willing to build a life with you. Instead, he romanticizes about a ‘someday relationship’ with you while still trying to keep his life status quo. You then have to make all the sacrifices and adjustments to deal with his inability to step up and deal with the fall out that his moving on will cause.
I know that you were really excited by this, and he was as well. Heck, he may still be excited but his behavior is telling you that he is not willing to change his life for this. Regardless of what he promises you need to tune in to what his behavior is telling you. If you take a step back and examine the behavior what do you see?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, That is a great question. I wonder if there is a way to stay open to a relationship and have more realistic expectations. I hear that you thinking of suspending your subscription and I understand your need for some time to heal. In my experience, the feeling of desperation comes when we hold back for too long and when we start to think that dating is going to be hard. Worry about finding the right person also leads to a sense of desperation.
During your down time why not reconnect with the hopeful part of you that knows you WILL find someone that you feel that connection with. Maybe do some reading or should searching to heal the part os yourself that worry the one is not out there? Now is a particularly stressful time in the world and our sense of hope is being challenged daily. Have you read “Calling in The One” by Kathryn Woodward Thomas? I absolutely love this book! It helps us let go of any blocks we have about feeling ready and even worthy of the love we crave. It uses insightful exercises such as journaling and meditation which I think you would really like. Does this sound like something that would interest you? It would be a good way to find that balance while you take a break from dating so that you step into more confidence and hope rather than desperation.
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I’m glad that you are still communicating. It sounds like he was honest in that he needs time to get things together and figure out where he is and what he wants. He may not be feeling enough of an ‘in love’ connection to motivate him to move forward. That sometimes happens. Sometimes things look good on paper but when you spend time together it just doesn’t click romantically. Do you feel you are head over heals in love with this person or are you feelings different than that? I also know there are different types of love that people want and need to build a life with someone. I wonder if you have different needs i that area? Some people want a best friend while others needs a high level of passion. Some people think of marriage as a business of sorts and are less emotional about the connection. Do you think that you are looking for different types of love?
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, First let’s address your safety issues. Do you feel you are in danger? If so, I encourage you to find other living options, with family or friends, rather than remain in danger. What your land lady doing is not right and should not be allowed to continue but our safety is more important than anything. Period.
I understand that you are missing so much as we all are. How are you staying connected to family and friends? It is getting cold were I live but some of us are committed to spending time outdoors walking, making our garages comfy so we can socialize there, some of us have installed televisions in the garage so we can watch football games and movies together while bundling up. Are you seeing friends while maintaining social distance?
Kanya
Hi Heather, welcome! You mention that you are just at the beginning of this. How long have you been dating? Have you have these sorts of challenges before in that he gets upset with you out of the blue and then you find out that something else is bothering him? I’m glad he finally admitted that something else was bothering. What a huge loss he is experiencing. Let’s hope that he will be direct about it and not project feelings and frustrations on to others.
I’m glad that you apologized but you also had no idea what was happening. I will say that if he is mean or upset in the future it might be best to tell him you want to take a break before you both start being hurtful to each other. For now, are you okay with giving him some space and checking in occasionally? Do you have plans to see each other any time soon so that you can support him in person?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, Welcome to the forum! I think that for now you need to give him his space. Let him experience life without you for a few days. He does need to get it together and figure out what he wants. I am concerned that after 5 years he jumped in so quickly. Did that seem off to you? It is almost like he started to act like you were a couple without actually building a foundation that would allow you both to grow something together. Do you know much about dating and relationship history? I’m wondering if he is not experienced in navigating the ebbs and flows that come with building something. Does he seem to have an expectation of what he “should” be feeling or experiencing?
Kanya
Hi Karlena, Welcome to the forum. This is a bit tricky as you are long distance and not able to be face to face. Face to face contact is really vital to forging a connection and also to understanding where the other person is coming from. I just have a few clarifying questions: How long have you been communicating again? What are the reasons he gives for not being able to travel to see each other at this point? Is it related to concerns over Covid? This is such a complicated time that may be part of it for him. What was the interaction with his ex that you asked about? Do you agree that how you asked was the problem?
You mention a fairly black and white option: cut him out or waste your time by staying in something that is a waste of time. What if you focused on getting to know this person again. This will take time and until you get to know the man he has become it is difficult to know if you each want to develop something romantic. Can you see slowing this down and just seeing where it leads?
Kanya
Hi Rebcca, Welcome to the forum! I’m believe you may have been ghosted. That doesn’t mean that you won’t hear back from him at some point in the future but he does not seem to be open to a friendship at this point. I am sorry that he is choosing to handle it this way as it is understandably confusing. TO give him credit he may have been confused by your change of heart to want to be friends after giving him the ultimatum. Still, it is unfortunate that he is choosing to handle it in an immature way.
I would not pursue him at this point or drop by his house. Instead I would wait for a bit more time then send him a text that says something like “It’s been a while since i heard from you so I am assuming that you aren’t interested in being friends at this point. I know I gave you some confusing messages but now feel open to being friend and certainly friendly if/when we run into each other. It was nice getting to know you a bit and I wish you the best.” He has shared that he isn’t int he right place right now to date and he may be working through things that are getting in the way of being friends as well. For now give him the space he needs and focus on filling your life with connection and joy! How are you doing with making new friends in this small time. I’m sure Covid is not helping but how are you staying connected to people?
Kanya
Hi Belle, Welcome to the Forum! What a frustrating situation. I am so sorry that you did not feel like this was a decision you made together to something that you were able to talk about before he ended things. I can only imagine the many feelings that are still coming up around this.
I understand that you have things that you want to say to him and really acknowledge that you have asked for that opportunity. It is so important that you have the opportunity to talk. Before you do that, please consider the type of person he has shown himself to be. He dated you for 5 months and didn’t share with you the things that were concerning him. He didn’t tell you about his feelings or give you the opportunity to work nothings together. This is a huge red flag that you need to pay attention to. While I think it is great that you want to a chance to improve things it is important that he be in the same place and he more open to being a team and letting each other support each other versus trying to do it all on your own.
When you meet I would talk about the things you have learned about yourself and let him know what you are committed do doing differently. Your schedule is obviously busy but it sounds as though you would like to find ways to create more balance and give more to the relationship. Talk about your vision and what you see as the potential here. This may motivate him to try again and it may not. He shared that he felt no connection with you. My guess is he felt a connection at some point or he would not have dated you for 5 months. If you have an idea of why that shifted talk about ways to address this so tat you can be more connected. Were there other things he talked about that were difficult for him in the past 5 months? If so, acknowledge then and talk about ways you would like to address them.
All you can do it be yourself, take responsibility, and share your vision on what you think the two of you can create. Please let me know if you want myself or Heidi to talk more specifically about an aspect you want to talk to him about. When are you going to meet?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I am sorry that Covid has forced you to change so many of your plans. While we know that everyone is dealing with this it is not easy for any of us. After 8 months many of us are hitting a wall which is why therapists and coaches are so busy these days lol. I really want to acknowledge you for how you are choosing to deal with all of this. you are doing a great job adjusting and accommodating a really difficult situation.
I love that you have discovered the law of attraction, Bob Proctor, etc. Have you watched The Secret yet? It is sooo good and so inspirational. I try to watch it once a year to reconnect with the lessons. I do think that some of it is over simplified but overall I have learned to much about how to shift my energy and I really believe it has made a huge difference in my life.
I am sorry to hear about Robin. Even though you had questions about whether or not that was a match I did hope that he would step up and be able to give you more. It sounds like he gives his all to work and can’t or won’t open up to giving to other areas of lifer to other people. When he texts you does he take a genuine interest in you and your life or is he using it as more of a platform for venting as he has in the past? Pay attention to how you feel when you are interacting or communicating with him. You get to decide if this is something you want to continue to participate in!
I love what you shared about people calling you Sunshine! You said you don’t understand why so my challenge to you is to learn to see yourself in the same way – see your own joy and beauty radiating out into the world and touching those around you. Perhaps you can take some time this weekend to create a Vision Board so that you see yourself in an even new way?
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, I am so sorry that your land lady and her family continue with the drama. I can imagine this is making it difficult to feel safe given that they are threatening your home and your tenancy. It is so sad that they are so small minded and have such a fear based mentality. I am hoping that when you are in court in January things will get sorted out. I can understand why dealing with this would also make it difficult to be focusing on building a new relationship as you have so many limitations on you. This is such a difficult time worldwide starting a relationship at all is challenging. From all you share, it is important that you continue to focus on finding balance in all of this chaos. Even though it sometimes feels like it, this will not last forever. Once you are teaching English on line will it be easier to find a new home?
I can totally relate to what you are saying about the need to be creative. Expressing my creativity is the way that I relax and stay sane in a busy life. What can you do in the next week to support this?
Kanya
Hi Michele, I love that you are trying on different options! Personally, I like option 1 and option 3. It keeps it short and sweet and doesn’t bring much or your personal experience into it. I know that might sound weird but in a way you want to give him space to explore this on his own and hopefully share his thoughts with you. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Tonia, I am glad that you are seeing the pattern. It is definitely not easy and completely normal to eel pain, confusion, and to even question this from time to time. WE can’t turn off our feelings that easily-it takes time and effort to let go. It sounds as though you have already started that project. I know it is not easy but you are being really smart and really brave by saying no to something that just does not fit who you are of what you deserve!
I do think that he will come back around and try to get your attention again. Given that you are choosing you, I would set lear boundaries. For now, it just doesn’t make sense to see him or even reconnect with him. Doing so will only make it harder and more confusing to move on. You can respond to him but I would not put too much enthusiasm into it. You can simply let him know that you are taking some space to focus on you. He most likely will not like you setting that boundary but that is okay. You need to do what is right for you not what is right for him. How do you feel about setting some boundaries with him?
Kanya
Hi Michele, I am so sorry to hear about your father. I lost my dad 8 years ago and it is such a huge loss. I send you so much light at this time as your process and grieve. I am glad that the tow of you had the opportunity to let your guards down and share your loss. Even if you aren’t together anymore it is a good step forward that you can connect over something like this.
I am so glad that the video helped you make sense of what happened. I do think that this is a good opening to connect with him as he is away from her for the next 3 weeks. I would be highly strategic about it! I would share less rather than more. Meaning, send him a text saying something like “I watched a video that helped me see our experience in a different light. Can I send it to you?” If he is one, share it and ask something like “I’d love to her your thoughts if you are open to sharing.” But don’t talk about reconciling or anything related to that. Instead, make a space for him to share what he thinks and how the video affected him.
Do a lot of listening and empathizing. Again, don’t mention reconciling but rather make this about understanding the situation from both or your perspectives without an end goal. We don’t want him to feel any agenda or any pressure to change his mind. Instead, the hope is with space he might see things differently and question his decisions himself. Please let me know if that makes sense!
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, In terms of the texts to ignite his hero instinct. First you send a text that says “I need your help.” You then ask a question in a separate text one he responds to “I need help.” Does that make sense? I get the sense that you may be stressing out about this. Is that accurate? I think it is important to keep meeting other men and dating so that you don’t feel pressure to make this situation work but have an abundance mentality that there are several options out there for you. Are you practicing and meditation or mindfulness these days? Doing so would help you in this situation and it would also help you in terms of finding more balance. There are a lot of APPS out there that you can use to learn to meditate or be more mindful. Calm and Headspace are two of my favorites.
In terms of finding more balance – what do you to to feel your spirit? You clearly like expressing your creativity through photography. Anything else you like to do in this area? Have you been able to get out into nature lately and breath some fresh air, hike, kayak, anything that will connect you to the bigger world around you? How much time do you spend with friends these days? I know that Covid is very limiting but do you see your friends on Zoom or Netflix party apps? If you think of yourself as having 5 parts; physical, emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual, balance comes when we are actively feeding each of these aspects. It is also helpful to think about what you would like to feel or experience and then work backwards to determine what actions would most support you and help you achieve these goals.
Kanya
