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Hi Georgina, I think he’s given you a clue; he feels that it is about you more than it is about him. Yes, he only recently said it but my sense is he may have felt it at other times. You also mention that you put a lot of emotional baggage on him. SO he is trying hard to help you and make you happy but he feels like what he is doing isn’t enough. This guy clearly cares for you but it seems like he is feeling emotional fatigued.
The best way to chance this around is to take a look at yourself and how you respond to stress and make some positive changes! In what way do you put emotional baggage on him? I know it might be hard to look at this but it is vital. This is something that needs to shift. Learning to manage your stress and ask for help from other besides him is important. Some things in life we cannot change so it is important to adjust our attitudes regarding these things to a more positive outlook.
Next, look at the ways you may be unwittingly conveying that you are unhappy. Guys really just want us to be happy and if we aren’t they sometimes start to withdraw. If there are things in your life that are causing unhappiness, do what you can to make them better. Begin to listen to your words and pay attention to your energy. Do you tend to vent to him at the end of the day? Yes, he is a safe space but maybe it is too much venting and it would be good for both of you to limit it to a few minutes of venting and then more time talking about what was good in your day.
Are you making sure that you are playful and fun when you talk or are together? Not in a flirtatious manner but just in a playful way? This is an important way that guys connect and stay connected. Think back on what you were like when the two of you started dating? Were you able to access your fun side more? Did you laugh and feel care free at times? What do you think first attracted him to you?
I understand that you will want to lean on him at times but many of us start to do this too much and the energy can become heavy and stale as a result. What do you think about what I am sharing? Does any of it sound familiar?
Kanya
Hi Linda, Ughhh. I am so sorry. It really can be painful when you have feelings for someone and they do not reciprocate. While this is indeed painful, the fact that you have only spent a few nights together is a good thing as it will be easier to let this one go. Yes, let it go. You already know that being friends with this person will be too difficult for you. I suggest that you trust that wisdom inside of you and set a clear boundary with him that really works for you.
One thing I wanted to touch base on is how long the two of you have been dating and how you long did you allow the energy to build before becoming sexual with each other? The reason I ask is because that time is important in terms of building the intensity and desire for both partners. For many this time is difficult as if feels emotionally vulnerable – and it is. You don’t know where things are going and what will happen yet you keep opening up and getting to know each other. This is the time where butterflies build! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Shay, So glad that you are here! We would like to support you and give you some ideas about how to face your current situation. Can you share more of the details with us about this relationship?
How long have you been together?
What is the nature of the relationships; dating, living together, etc.
What are the reasons you feel that your feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for you?
What is the latest action that you are referring to?I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Georgina, I am really glad that you have joined the forum! I can understand how frustrating the situation is. While it is normal for passion to ebb and flow during a relationship. this is a big change in a short period of time.
My guess is that something has occurred that he is upset about or has lost trust over. Perhaps it was the time that your ex lived with you, perhaps it was something else but it seems like something has changed in the connection. Is there anything else that comes to mind that could be upsetting or affecting him?
You also mention that he is tired all the time. Has his work life and responsibilities changed in the past year or so? Are here additional stressed that he is dealing with these days? When you argue or disagree, what do you disagree about and how do you usually resolve things?
Kanya
Hi EB, I am glad that you are here! Can you give me more details about the relationship?
How long have you been dating?
How often do you see each other?
When you ask for more time how does he respond?
Is his schedule going to change any time soon?Kanya
Hi Kelli, Thanks for sharing some additional information. In terms of how to respond if he contacts you, I it is important for you to be honest with yourself and him in this. He may share information that makes some sense in terms of him ghosting you. But, even if he has a good reason don’t forget what he did or the likelihood that he will do it again.
I have no problem with a slow over. I think that is a really workable situation. However, what happened with this guy is different; he ghosted you after making tentative plans and hasn’t responded to your communications since. After 4 months of connecting, of slowly building a connection, he disappeared. To me that is different than moving slowly. Does that makes sense?
Kanya
Hi Sunny, ughhh very confusing! I think you need to decide if you want to hear what he has to say. IF you do, that doesn’t mean that the door is open again. When he ended things he said that he would need about a year until he could break away from his work ligations to have time for a relationship. That is a long time! He seems to have an all or nothing type pf personality. Be aware of this and approach him with clear boundaries. IF you decide to meet for coffee, have plans set up for the rest of the day so it doesn’t turn into a marathon date. Marathon dates give us the sense that we are in a relationship when we really aren’t.
Do you want to hear him out knowing that there are so many issues already that could get in the way for the two of you?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, You really are a warrior Goddess!
I love that you are working on yourself and are starting to consider these walls. We all put them up to some degree but it is important to know when it is time to let them down and let someone in. This would be a great subject to work on with your therapist! It is great that you can really own the reality that you haven’t done anything wrong in this situation! The two of you just seem to be on different pages with what you want.
It will be interesting to see how he responds to you being more comfortable with the space!
Kanya
Hi Kim, it makes total sense that your heart and your head are not on the same page yet. When we connect with someone is such a deep way we start to attach to them biochemically. It takes time to break that attachment. Yes, you will feel terrible for awhile but this will pass. It will take lots of self love and reassurance that this is not about you. This is about his inability to communicate, to process this feelings, to let his behavior and emotions come into alignment.
Please remember this when you are being hard on yourself! What else are you doing for self care?
Kanya
Hi Hillman, I can understand what you are going through. If you wanted a future with this person and you thought things were moving in that direction it makes sense that you would feel really devastated at this point. One thing I would suggest is to perhaps change the way you are thinking about this. Sometimes, during a break up, we can start to believe that this was our last chance or our last good chance to create something with someone. If you find yourself thinking that then I suggest changing that to something different. It is important to acknowledge that he didn’t seem to value personal growth and learning the way you do. Ultimately that could have led to a lot of struggle because you would be putting a value on growing and he probably would have wanted to stay the same. You deserve to be with someone who values what you value.
I suggest you do an exercise. Write down the 10 most important things you value in a relationship. Then, go back the next day and determine what your top 5 values are. A day after that, determine the top 3 values. That way you know what is non-negotiable in a partnership! I also suggest you read the book “Calling in the One” It is so amazing and will help you put the past away, create a true blueprint for what you want, and forge ahead! Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Shay, It sounds like you are dealing with something that is close to your heart. We’d love to gel you do tat! Can you share more about what you are experiencing? What type of things so you love him through and where is he having difficulty? Also, can you share how long you have been together and are you dating, living together, or married?
I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Hilman, I am s glad that you are here! This is such a heart bearing situation. I agree with Heidi in that you are a wise soul and so open to learning and growing. You certainly deserve to be with someone who values personal growth and finds that to be one of your best assets!
I wanted to comment on your comment about being selfish. I was literally discussing his concept with a client yesterday. The word selfish is really a loaded word in our society. It’s like telling someone they are a liar or a thieve. Most people will naturally want to avoid doing anything that makes others think they are selfish so it can be difficult to learn appropriate boundaries. I suggest you find another way to describe being selfish. Maybe self care, or setting boundaries. Something that describes what you are doing using words that are less critical. Taking care of yourself is so important and it is not selfish! As a matter of fact, I wish everyone was better at taking care of themselves and setting appropriate boundaires. It would make life and relationships so much more enriching and interesting!
So, if you changed to work selfish to something less loaded, what would it be?
Kanya
Hi Kelli, I am so glad that you are on the forum! You describe something that happens to a lot of people who meet someone on line. Things seem be going well and a connection is being built but you never meet the person. It can be really frustrating and uber confusing!
There are a few red flags here for me. First, it seems that waiting for 4 months before meeting is a concern. YEs, many people who on line date do want to get to know each other a little before deciding if they want to meet face to face but the longer you wait, the more skewed your perception of someone can become. I know, it would seem as though waiting gives you more time to get to know someone, and it may, but it also gives both parties more time to build expectations and fantasize about who the other person is. When meeting after so much time, we can be disappointed when someone doesn’t meet those expectations even when they could be a good match for us.
Second, when someone delays for this long I start to wonder if they are really serious about starting a relationship and I wonder if they are actually available. While there are a lot of sincere people online, there are some that aren’t being honest about who they are.They might already be in a relationship or even married! They might just want someone to communicate with and check in with but aren’t interested in putting in the time and effort to build a relationship. Worse, some people are scammers who try to build trust and connection in the hope of taking advantage of someone in the future. While the two o you were connecting did he even ask for personal information or build a story that he needed help or money in some way.
My suggestions is to definitely let this go! Stepping in to meeting and they ghosting you is not okay. It also makes me wonder if he is the person he says he is. I know that may not have been what you were hoping to hear but it is important. If you really want to build something then waiting this long to meet someone just doesn’t support your goals. Have you continued to meet other people online and in person?
Kanya
Crystal, you are posting in two different threads. Please see the other thread for my response.
Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, One thing that I would encourage you to do is pay more attention to what he does and less attention to what he says. He seems to drop hints of a future sometimes that may not actually be about a future. Like when he asked about your next holiday and his response was “Are you waiting for me to propose?” For now, think of those comments as silly flirtations versus a direction the two of you are heading in.
Right now you are friends with benefits, treat him as such without imagining it is heading to something more lasting. Just be in the moment and enjoy. If you feel yourself getting too attached, take a step back, breathe, and readjust! You can pace yourself in this as well as he does.
Kanya
