[Kanya D]

Hi Ayesha, I can empathize with how difficult all of this is for you. AS I read through what you shared it occurred to me that your husband has some traits that are similar to a narcissist. Is that something you have considered? Here is a link to an article that relates to communication that you might find helpful!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-matters-most/201610/5-tips-interacting-narcissist?eml

Please read through it and see if it makes sense! I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kelli, It sounds like that is a good idea. At the same time, he has ghosted you, stood you up and he hasn’t apologized. If you feel that is important to you to then go for it. Just be aware that it may restart communication but that doesn’t mean that all is well. Remember what has occurred and be sure to hear an explanation. Until he proves otherwise, he is the guy that ghosted you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lauren, I am so glad that you are on the forum! This is a really complicated situation that you are dealing with. It sounds like this situation has gotten away from you both in the past few months. Let’s see if we can start to make some sense of it. SO, when the two of you transitioned to more than friends in December he was separated and his wife was living else where, possibly getting treatment for a mental health challenge. Is that accurate?

I’m curious is the couple had actually decided to separate of if they were the ‘separated’ simply because she was not living at home? I guess I’m seeing that the couple made a series of decisions that change his availability yet I’m not clear if he was open with you about those decisions? He may or may not have been dishonest with you on purpose but I d think he is not being honest with himself. He is married and living with his wife. Even if they are ‘mostly roommates’ it doesn’t sounds as though they are actually separated.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to loss you. It sounds like the two of you have a great connection and I have no doubt that he has feelings for you. The challenge is, he isn’t making changes to his life that ensure the the two of you could be together. YEs, his life is difficult and very complicated. That is why I think your gut is right on with taking a step back. Right now he has limited motivation not make changes. He gets to see his boys everyday and have the dad part of his life in order. Then, when he wants he gets to see you. HIs life seems to be working pretty well right abut now. But, your life is not. The longer this goes on the more invested you will become, the more in love you will fall. He isn’t being fair to you or his wide in this situation. I think that taking some space, while it will be hard, is vital at this time.

He needs time to make a clear decision about his life. He may need to make some big changes that will uproot him, his wife, and his children. And more importantly, you need time to get untangled from things situation and get some balance again. I know that the two of you have tried this in the past and it hasn’t lasted. Perhaps setting a timeline to not communicate other than work related issues would be helpful. I would also get clear on what you want, need, and deserve. This doesn’t mean that this won’t eventually work out. It just means that for now the two of you need to take some time, make some decisions, and be more conscious in your actions. Does that make sense?

What has made it difficult to stay apart in the past? Who reaches out first, what does the pattern look like?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Georgina, I think you did a really great job of describing what has been going on for you. It sounds like life has been difficult lately. I’m really sorry to hear that and sincerely hope that things start to improve soon!

I do think that it would be a good idea to see if you can find more balance in sharing with him. OF course you want and need support. That is totally reasonable. The thing is, there is something about it that he finds exhausting. That is what you need to perhaps get more information from him. I think it is possible to talk to him, to share, without overwhelming or exhausting him. I think he need to feel energized by you time together so that he has more to give. Does that make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Ann, I am sorry to hear that things have evolved in this way. I can understand why it feels so unreal. I get that this is not something that you ever thought you would be a part of. And it makes sense that you would have dated him initially given that he was separated and he had custody of the boys.

The thing is, things have changed a lot the past year and a half. It sounds as though neither of you were willing to step back and end things when it became clear that his wife was moving back in. While he says that they are basically roommates it is a very complicated situation. I do not expect him to leave because, as he shared, he doesn’t eat to be away from his boys. Do you know if his wife is aware of your relationship and if she is okay with it? Is the marriage real to her? Is she acting like a wife to him or do they have an arrangement?

I can tell by what you share that you aren’t at peace with this situation and I can understand that. Ys, it will be difficult to let go, or even take a break. Anyone in this situation would struggle. You mention that you see your future with this person. Where does his current wife fit in with that vision? Did you create that vision initially when she wasn’t really part of the picture?

I can’t tell you what you should do, that is only something you can decide. I will say that if you do decide to take a step back and give him the space to figure things out and take action, you do have the strength to do so. Do any of your family and friends aware of this and supporting you?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Meninda, I think there are two things that you are dealing with. First, we all need different amounts of space. Some people, like you, can’t imagine not talking to their love everyday. Others like some space to miss each other and will sometimes take a day or two off from connecting. It sounds as though he sometimes asks for space and you don’t give it to him because you don’t need space. The thing is, he does and he will at times. He asked you to try not to text while he was away but you did. A lot. And, you contacted his mom which is emasculating. The reality is, anyone else you date will need space sometimes. It sounds as though this is something that you do need to work on. There is a lot of compromise and negotiating in successful relationships and I get the sense that he is asking for more compromise at times.

In your earlier message I thought you said that he was meeting with that woman to end things, not to date her. Perhaps I misunderstood. It makes total sense that you would not want to be working on a relationship when he is out dating other women. I think that is an important boundary to set when the two of you connect! Even if the two of you are working on the relationship you can take sex off the table until you are both secure and confident that the two of you will be moving forward. And, that the two of you agree on the boundaries and expectations!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Meninda, I am glad that you are on the forum! It sounds as though things have been difficult for the past few months. I can understand why you are confused and honestly I can understand why he is confused. Yes, the two o you have a strong connection which sounds amazing. Yet, there are some behavioral issues that seem to be getting in the way that I think we should explore.

When he sets a boundary with you and says he needs space, you ignore his request. AS you shared, you can’t ‘help yourself’ so you text or call and are surprised when he gets upset. Have you looked at that behavior in yourself? It is important to do so because respecting boundaries in a relationship is super important. If a couple can’t give that to each other partners can start to feel minimized and unimportant. The person whose needs are being ignored naturally wonders if they will be able to get their needs met because currently their needs are being ignored. Can you understand why he is so angry about this?

I’m also confused as to why you called his mother? That seems like another boundary that has been crossed-in a big way. You are both adults and when your guy wasn’t doing what you wanted, you called his mom to try to get her to force him to give you what you want. Ouch. That must have felt incredibly disrespectful to him. Has he ever talked about feeling manipulated or controlled? You may not want to be doing that but that is what you are doing.

I am not judging you as we all have areas to work on. And, this seems to be the place of growth that would be most beneficial for this current relationship. So, have you apologized for crossing these boundaries? And, what are you doing to ensure that this does not happen again? Even though you bring jealousy issues to the table, as an adult it is your responsibility to work with them and heal them so that they don’t control you or him or the relationship. Does that make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kim, I can understand why you re sad and heartbroken. It sounds like from your perspective things were going well! Is it possible that he got cold feet in some way? Did you ask a question that might have triggered him? Did his friends or family talk about things getting serious?

For now, I still suggest that you send him a text message igniting his hero instinct. If you ar ready, send him that and let us know how he responds. Do you know what type of help you want to ask him for?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Leyla, This s great news! Of course you want to look nice and most importantly, be yourself! That is the person who is most compelling, amazing, and fabulous! I like that you feel confident to answer questions in the moment just be aware that the subject could trigger some emotions and that is understandable!

Feel free to start to take a few more hours before responding to his texts to help balance out the communication. Try to be the one who decides that you have to leave the brunch before him. That is usually difficult when we are with someone we really like but it also feels good once we do that. You want to leave him wanting more of your amazing company! Please keep us posted!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Fuzzy, I am sorry that you are feeling this way in response to Heidi’s comments. From my perspective Heidi absolutely does encourage people to trust their inner knowing. Sometimes our experience will allow us to see something that we need to point out or share. Please know that we are here to support people and not offend them. If Leyla is feeling shut down I trust that she will share that and either Heidi or myself will certainly address it. We want this to be a safe place for people to share and open up.

Given your response I’m wondering if Heidi’s advice was in contract to something you are going through? Please feel free to add a post if you would like some support!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jeannie, You are doing so well! The beginning stages of a relationship naturally cause some anxiety and worry. Getting to know some, opening up and becoming vulnerable is scary. Of course we hope that it will go somewhere and that this person will not go away. Balancing that is just a natural part of the early relationship.

For now, I suggest you stay in the moment with where the two of you are. Don’t make creating a serious relationship the end goal. Instead, set small doable goals such as:
I’m going to get more comfortable with the feelings I have when dating someone new
I’m going to let myself open up a little more
There are no guarantees about anything so I will focus on being myself
I will use this time to get to know myself better
I am learning so much about what is important to me in a relationship

All of these are doable goals and shift the focus off of him liking you onto you loving yourself and getting to know yourself even better! Are you open to trying this?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kanika, I’m glad that you are here. This is a little different as in an arranged marriage situation there are different expectations and different ideas about being connected. Since you are in India and he is in the USA have the two of you actually met face to face or just long distance? Is an arranged marriage something that he is truly open to or something that his family is encouraging him to do? Can you share more about what your contact has been like in the past 4 months?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi SVD, Thanks for sharing more. It seems that while this was a little joke to you, to him it represents more than a little joke. If you are truly honest with yourself, did you think he would find this comment funny? Given that you have mentioned it before I wonder if there is a part of you that is holding on to some feelings about what was said so long ago?

That being said, there are a few red flags here that concern me. First, he has the ability to cut people out of his life rather easily. It sounds like this is who he is and once he feels ‘crossed’ he is done kWh the person that crossed him. IT is very difficult to maintain a relationship with homelike like this as there is always the chance that you will cross the line and that will be it. Being able to forgive and forget is vital in a relationship!

Nest, he sees no value in marriage. Often this also brings long term relationships into question. Has he had any relationships that lasted more than year or so? If not, that tells me that when something becomes difficult he cuts and runs. Also not possible to have a relationship with someone who does this.

Finally, he created a relationship with your children that he is walking away from in a painful way. That is not okay. He doesn’t seem to have empathy which is important. Without empathy you can’t have a real relationship because you will only think of others and care for others when it suits you. Over time this will be exhausting and incredibly painful.

If he is showing you his true colors, is this someone you still want to be with?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sunita, Just to clarify that there isn’t a typo. Are you planning to wait until December to contact him? I suggest you wait no more than a week. Set up a time to listen that is soon, in the next 2 weeks, so that you can hear what he has to say and move on. You don’t want to drag this out any longer. You’ve already given him enough of your precious time and energy. Make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kim, I’m not sure what the situation is with the two of you and having more information would definitely be helpful. Can you share how long you were dating and what led to the no contact?

You could send him a text igniting his hero instinct. Think of something that he can help you with, something you could ask him a question about. Then, send a text that says simply “I need your help.” When he responds, ask your question. He will do his best to help. Then, text something like “You are so smart about these things, I really like that about you! Thanks!” That is all. It provides a connection with no pressure for him to do or be anything. It gives him the chance to shine and feel good and super in your eyes. Usually a guy will continue to reach out after this sort or interaction. Do not ask about getting together or share that you miss him. Let him take the ball at this stage. Make sense?

Kanya

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