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Hi Lauren, Wow, you are so courageous! It sounds like you re really following your own inner guidance on what is best for you. That is sooooo important. Unfortunately he is not taking care of your sacred heart so it is up to you to do so. If the two of you stay best friends he doesn’t have to feel the pain of losing you. That might be the only thing that motivates him to make a chance. Yet, as Heidi shared, if he is doing this to his current girlfriend than there is every reason to believe he will do it to his future girlfriends.
I am so sorry that your heart is breaking. There really isn’t a whole lot you can do to lessen the pain right at this time. It really is about moving through it and getting to the other side. What can you do to take care of yourself at this time? Are you connecting more to friends that can support you and help you through this? My guess is he will continue to try to be best friends so you may need to figure out how to respond to this. DO you want to let him know that he needs to stop, do you want to block him for a period of time until your heart is feeling more whole? If you ask him to stop do you think he will respect that and take a step back?
Kanya
Hi Rich, you are asking really great questions! Lets see if I can answer some of them for you.
I think one mistake a lot of women make is acting like they re in a relationship with someone who really has earned them. By that I mean the guys don’t have to make a lot of effort to get the benefits of a relationship such as a woman being there for them, being unconditional, and sleeping with them. From my experience and from what James shares, men need to pursue. They need to have the sense that they have won someone over which takes time. When this occurs two important things happen. First, they feel a sense of pride and male strength at having won someone over. Next, during that time of getting to know you before sex occurs, men will build an emotional bond with the women. It is better if this emotional bond is formed before sex. Why? Because sex doesn’t form an emotional bond for men the way if does for women. Their brains are a bit different in terms of attachment.
While I don’t know exactly what your friendship looked like before the two of you became intimate, I have some ideas about how to behave now. Let’s take last night as an example. Even though he has pulled away and been very confusing, you still treated him like your priority last night. If he calls when you are asleep DO NOT answer his calls or respond to his texts. Ignore him! Let your priority be sleep! Then, in the morning send his a very short text that says something like “Sorry, I went to be early. Hope you had a good night.” Then step away from the phone. Get on with your day. Respond to him less the way you did yesterday.
When you do communicate either via text or phone, be the person to end the communication first. Let him know you need to go to do the laundry, walk the dog, go to sleep, hang out with your friends. What even you have to do. This will communicate that he is not the priority and he will work harder to be with you. Many woman fear that if they are distant then a guy will think they are mad and disappear. Usually the opposite happens!
If he starts to pursue then let him do the for awhile before letting him back in. Be playful and let him know that you really like your time together but that maybe it is best to maintain different boundaries because he isn’t ready. You can communicate these thing in a fun and playful manner. He knows that you really like him. He just needs to work through some fear that he has about all of this. I have more to share but wanted to give you a chance to respond to what I’ve already shared! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Ann, I know you shared the you don’t think you can take it anymore but I’m not sure about what is happening that is making you feel this way. Is it because he is stalled and just can’t move on? If so, I do think that once the divorce is final and he has some breathing room from that, there is a good chance he will be able to start taking more steps forward. Perhaps the waiting and wondering are what is difficult which makes sense. Here are some questions that come to mind:
Does he talk about your connection being important to him?
Do you see him making time for you even if he can’t be fully present?
Does he talk about having a future with you?
Do the two of you connect often?
Does he initiate connection?
Why do you think that walking away would help the situation?Looking forward to hearing back.
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I can understand why your brain is still thinking a lot. This is a new boundary that he has set and it will take some time to get used to. Even though he was spending time with you he was also letting you know that he was not ready. Statistically, the average time it takes for a guy to be ready for his next serious relationships is two years post divorce. And, he isn’t even divorced yet. Also wonder if he wants to avoid his ex knowing that he is dating. Regardless of what angle you look at this, the situation is just too complicated to try to navigate at this time. And, it will be too complicated for a long time to come.
When relationships ended for you in the past what types of things helped you grieve and move forward?
Kanya
Hi Kelly, In my experience I think continue to wait is the way to go. You need to see if he is willing to take the first step. You need to see if he is willing to move back into the pursuer role. If he is not, then the relationship is not going to grow. AS difficult as that is, you may want to know that now rather than continuing to text for a few more months with no movement. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Diana, I agree that if you stop going to therapy you will end up right where you were. It sounds as though she has helped and my guess is she has a plan to help him get more clarity on this. Often times a therapist needs to help rebuild trust as a way to help build groundwork for talking about the more difficult aspects of the relationship – ie him not being ready to be engaged. Trust me, it will not be a waste to keep going. I suggest the two of you go and talk to the therapist about your concerns so the therapist an share more about where they see therapy going! Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Ayesha, No, it will not be helpful to point out his narcissistic behavior. Narcissists are small and insecure on the inside and have a fragile ego. That is why they work so hard to seem confident and in charge. Pointing something like this out to him will most likely cause a lot of anger on his part. HE will turn things around and act as though you are the problem, you are the narcissist. I would keep this information to yourself and learn how to navigate a marriage to a narcissist.
I recommend you get the book Disarming the Narcissist; How to Stay Married to a Narcissist and be (Reasonably) Happy. You might want to get the electronic version as seeing this laying around the house will create additional tension between the two of you. Take a look and let us know what you think!
The most important thing you can do is to start to trust yourself over his words. He will continue to blame you for not making him happy. Remember, the narcissist is never happy. You are not failing him in any way. He has set up unreasonable goals for you to achieve. Instead, make your self the person in charge of how you feel about you! Value yourself no matter what he does or says. Believe in yourself. Focus your efforts on raising your children and filling int he gaps for them. Learn to beef up his ego as that will motivate him to give you more. Does this make sense?
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I am glad that you are here! It sounds like the two of you have known each other for a little less than a year. Just out of curiosity, how many times have the two of you hung out in a dating situation?
I get that you really like this guy, his values, and the potential that you see here. The challenge is, he is no where near ready to start and nurture a relationship. Based on what you shared, it could be years before he is ready. Have you continued to date other people? I know it might seem difficult but you may be surprised that you meet someone who makes you feel the same way who is actually available. Are you okay maintaining this infrequent communication while also being open to other opportunities?
Kanya
Richa, I too am glad that you are here! I really do agree with what Heidi shared. There are a lot of red flags here. You asked “what if we really want to make it work for once?” The challenge is, you want to work it out but he does not. He has not grieved his last relationship and there fore is not ready or available for his next relationship. Given that he was there for you after the accident it sounds as though your ‘needy’ response to him did not affect his willingness to be close to you. But until he is completely over his ex, you need to just be o the friend path. That means no sexual involvement. Follow the behavior you would with other friends. This will be difficult for you because you already have feelings for him. Slow your role and do not let him into your sacred heart space. He has not worked to be there and has not proven that he is trustworthy in this area. I you keep letting him in without having to earn it, I promise he will not value what you are offering him.
I agree, you don’t need to judge him. However, in not judging that doesn’t mean you give a person free reign to mistreat you. While no one is perfect, in order to have a happy, successful relationship both parties need to be able to communicate, acknowledge difficult feeling, and manage their fears in a mature and effective manner. This person doesn’t really know what he wants and clearly doesn’t have the ability to understand or manage his fears. You may be able to get him interested in you again but he will exhibit the same behavior when his fear gets triggered.
Do you think that you can move forward as just friends at this point?
Kanya
Hi Sunita, Wow, this was not the conversation you were expecting to have! I really acknowledge you for how you were in the situation and the degree to which you continue to support yourself!
First of all, facing your surgery and recovery really is the most important thing you need to do right now. Your health is paramount to anything else and it sounds like your head is in a good place with that. Next, did he talk about why he didn’t share this with you when he started to pull away? It seems like that would have been a perfect time to explain that he realized that he and his ex still had some things to figure out. If you look at your list of non-negotiable, where does Stephen fall in that list? Does he have the top 5 things that you are really looking for? #5 talks about honesty and transparency? PERhaps you need more time to see if this is a quality that he is committed to?
Second, while Stephen talked about being ready and wanting to wait for you, I’m wondering if he addressed the sexual issue he had? Perhaps it was too soon to go there but it will be important to explore at some point. I went back and read what you shared about that and if I am understanding you correctly, his erection changed after he put on a condom. Is that accurate? As men get older things do change. I am wondering if he would always have this issue or if it is condom related. Certainly something to consider.
Those are my thoughts but more importantly, what are your thoughts? Clearly you have feelings for him but what are you also feeling about what has transpired and what are your thoughts about the earlier questions/issues that are present?
Kanya
Hi Shay, I totally understand how this can make you feel a little heady sometimes! It is so fascinating that our early lives can influence our adult lives in such a powerful manner. If it is okay, I’d like to piggy back on what Heidi shared given your thoughts about it.
I love that you are so close to your parents and that they are your best friends now! That is so wonderful and such a gift! My sense is, there may still be part of you that feels you are not good enough. That is something that many of us deal with in life. Not being good enough for a certain career, or relationship or life style. The reality is, you are good enough for all that you want and deserve. I suggest that you may the mantra “I am more than enough for all I want’ a new mantra for yourself. Starting and ending your day by thinking of this and supporting that part of you in really knowing that you are enough will help to change this pattern is subtle but strong ways!
I love the insight you shared about having a good day they shifting when you start to sense that things will not go as planned or something bad is going to happen. I can this having a negative future fantasy. We all do it! It is a way our brain looks for dangerous situations so that we can stay safe. The challenge is, in these situations nothing bad is actually happening. You are just imagining something sad or difficult that could happen. The next time you notice this I would stop, take a few deep breaths, and really bring yourself into the present. You can say things to yourself like “That may happen someday and it may not. All I know is it is not happening right now. What is happening now is…” Then fill in the … with the positive things you are experiencing in that moment or that day. Start to retrain your brain to focus on what is versus the negative things that could be. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I love that you can totally be yourself in all of this. That is sooooo very important! We need to be ourselves to feel good, to feel satisfied and we need to be ourselves to show people who we actually are. And you are amazing!
I love that the is moving at it’s own pace and you are feeling good about it. The analogy of him being two different people is spot on! Have you noticed what helps him open up and share morale get closer, etc versus what causes him to distance? Do you notice over time him being able to tolerate the closeness for longer periods of time?
Kanya
Hi Shay, I can understand how difficult this is for you! I hear that you are really struggling with what to do. Is he open to talking at this point or is he still blocking you? If he is open to talking, perhaps just start with a conversation. I would not be willing to jump back in given his recent reaction. He needs to realize that it isn’t okay to walk away from you or your kids when he is upset. If he doesn’t own that and apologize you can expect him to do it again and again. While this is currently painful for you and your kids, going through it again and again would be devastating! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Leyla, Yes, I agree! I would take a step back and let him initiate communication for the next few weeks. See if he will actually come forward and pursue. If not then maybe it is time to move on. He has been wishy washy about things for a long time. He will need to really step up for this to become something. I think you’ve been willing to help things along but I think he needs to do more.
I know it is scary as he may not step up and that is the opposite of what you want. But, I would caution you on spending more time with this as he really isn’t investing at all at this point. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Ann, That is a great question. I’m kind of reading between the lines but it sounds as though he likes things they way they are but isn’t ready to commit. Is that accurate? IF that is the case, telling him you love him is not something that will make him more ready. Actually, it would probably overwhelm him and might make his distance even further.
Instead, what if you become less available? By that I mean have more things that you need to do in your life so that you aren’t there when ever he wants you to be. Say no at times. Let him wait for you a bit. It sounds as though right now you are there when he wants you to be but when he isn’t you often feel as though you are waiting around for things to move forward. Is that accurate?
Im my experience, until their divorce is finalized it is difficult, if not impossible, for a man to commit to someone and something new. Even though he isn’t technically with his ex, he is emotionally drained by the situation. Stressing about financial future and how to manage custody are two of the most stressful things anyone can face. It makes sense that he will need more time because he just doesn’t have the emotional resources at this time.
Can you share more about the current relationship and where you would like it to be?
Kanya
