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Hi Danielle, I am so glad that you are here! It sounds as though you have done a great job implementing some of the aspects that you are reading about on this site-well done! I know that it isn’t easy to make those changes but you’re doing a great job! I love that you ignited his hero instinct so effectively. That tells me his connection is still strong but that maybe something is getting in the way that he doesn’t know how to change.
Yes, that is a lot of “trying to figure it out and reassure you’ conversation in one day. It sounds like you re starting to see that perhaps you are letting you worry and concern get to you. Are you maybe overthinking things a bit? I know, how can you overthink things when your marriage is such an important thing but we all do sometimes. When this happens, we tend to go back to our guy repeatedly to try to get the inner reassurance that he is still there and is committed to being there. That is exhausting for both of you!
I realize there is a lot more to your marriage and how things came to be this way that I know. And perhaps he has been thinking and feeling things for a while that he hasn’t;t shared with you. Even though part of you thinks that talking and talking about this will help him understand, in my experience it has a better change of overwhelming him than helping him. I once ready a study that said woman speak 20 words to every 1 word a man speaks. That is a HUGE difference. Often, our guys can get what I call emotionally fatigued when we continue to talk about a subject that they are attempting to processing.
Instead of talking, why not show him that you are the woman that he still loves and adores? I’m not sure how long you have been married but that feeling of being in love changes over the course of a marriage. In some ways the ‘in love’ feeling can come and go even when the commitment level is there. It sounds as though he might begin an ebb cycle. The best way to help him is to love him in the ways that matter to him and work on this things he has asked you to work on in yourself and the marriage.
You mention several times about achieving ‘dreams’ together that will help him feel as though things are back on track. What at the dreams you are working on? What are the things that he has said bother him the most in the relationship? Let’s see if we can start to work on them. Can’t wait to hear back from you!
Kanya
Hi Sunny, I hope you feel better and are continuing to hear! What an amazing turn of events. It is wonderful that Stephen was able to open up and share what was going on for him and how his fears about chasing you away may him keep things from you. Now lets see if he can keep things going with this amazing open and transparent communication!
No, I don’t think it is weird that you want to take things slowly. Given how he kept you i the day in the past of course you want more time to see if this is the real Stephen! It sounds like you won’t actually be seeing him for a few weeks and that for now your communication will be via email and text. When you do see each other, what do you want and need in terms of taking things slowly?
And, how was your Easter?
Kanya
Hi Trina, Thanks for checking in! I acknowledge you for continuing to deal with Miss Pushy Pants at these game nights!
One thing I’ve noted over the months that you have been interacting with this man is that you seem to think he is better than you in some way. You get nervous when you are with him. What does it mean that he is a successful investor? Does that elevate him in some way? Make him smarter? Does he have more potential? When you do this you make yourself small. Really small. You act like he is out of your league. Guess I’m wondering why you do this and it it is a pattern you see in your life with other men or bosses, family, etc? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Kim, I am so sorry that he is choosing to be this way. I can imagine how sad and rejected you feel. This is clearly not a way for him to handle what ever he is feeling.
My biggest concern is for you! This person is showing you that he is immature and incapable of simply talking about what he is feeling. He hasn’t matured to the point where he can have these conversations and may not even be able to know and/or articulate himself in this arena.
While it does hurt, my suggestion it so let this go and move on. I personally think you dodged a difficult future with this person. You dated for 5 month and he never expressed any concerns to you until he was out. That does not bode well for a future. I fully believe that he would have bailed at some point and would rather he do it now that 6 or 12 months from now.
In order to fully move on it would help if you change your perspective here. Rather than thinking that he left you, or that there is something wrong with you, begin to accept that this is a reflection of a character flaw in HIM. He is not capable or really showing up and being mature. He isn’t really able to be open and express himself. If you start to see that it is a good thing for you to have seen this now then it will be easier to let go. If you find yourself fantasizing about who he was or who he could be remember to bring yourself back to the reality of who he is. You deserve so much more that he is capable of giving you. I know it is difficult but does what I shared make sense? I’m happy to give you specific ideas about how to reframe some thoughts or emotions.
Kanya
Hi Eva, I think that it makes sense that you want to see him more. And yes, he seems better at making other things a priority that making spending time with you a priority. This is most likely because he, like other men, focus on what is right in front of them. Being so far away he does have a busy life and more effort will be needed for him to shift his focus.
One thing I would say is it might help if you were more direct. Instead of saying ‘Show me that you really like me, and genuinely want to make time to see me’ I would ask for the action you want. Saying, “I really love spending time with you and would love to see where things go. In order for me to be comfortable with that I need to see you weekly (or bi-weekly etc whatever you are hoping for). Can we figure out how to make that work?” See if he is on board with that and if he is willing to make these changes. He may be happy with things the way they are because it doesn’t take much effort on his part. But if he is willing, then take small steps to seeing each other more often. When you do see each other, do you take turns going to each other or is one of you doing the traveling?
Kanya
Hi Ruta, to clarify, is he saying that he misses you and that he wants to tell you things in person? If so, I would suggest that you get really clear about what you want and need before the two of you talk. What would you like to tell him? What would support you the most?
Kanya
Hi Ann, so I hear you asking for advice on staying as well as advice on going. I think you need to focus on what you really want and what you are going for in this situation. I would avoid thinking or this as an either/or situation. Meaning; either we are together and he is okay with me loving him or we are apart.
What if you start smaller. The next time you are hanging out, open the door to telling him how much you care about him. Start with something like “there is so much that I love about being with you” and see how he responds. Just take it a step at a time and build up to sharing that you love him. Be clear about what that means for you and check in to see if you have any expectations as a result. Be clear on why you are sharing this. Is it just so he knows? Is it so that he takes some of your concerns clearly, etc. If there is another reason you want him to know that please deal with that directly. Share that you have concerns about where you are. Ask for the actions you want to see. Avoid asking him to help you ‘feel’ a certain way as in “I want to feel like a priority for you.” Instead, be specific. “I want to see you 3 nights per week. I want you to come to my friends birthday party next month, etc.” Give him a clear direction of where you want things to go. Then see how he responds and if he can meet those requests. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi EB, I took a look at the other pages in the forum and I don’t see another post from you. Can you resent or cut and past below?
Kanya
Hi Ann, Thanks for sharing more. Hear that your life is amazing! You have a new house, you were just offered a promotion. You have so much going for you! Here’s the thing, what do you want? What do you really and trey want in terms of a romantic relationship? You are waiting for someone who is making it clear that you will always be second to his kids. That is the way it needs to be for him but not for you! You have been dating for 18 months and he hasn’t met your family and friends, the people who mean the most to you? How is that okay?
When a guy separates he often connects with a woman who can be there to support him emotionally through the divorce. The challenge is, he doesn’t have much, if anything, to give to her during this time. He gives her just enough to connect with him and see what a great dad he is and what a great partner he could be. The thing is, he won’t be able to be an actual partner for years. Even once the divorce is final he will then have an additional transition time with his kids. He may not be ready/able to integrate his life with you and his life with them for years. I get the hope and dream of him living with you but he won’t do that until he feels his kids can handle that. And, that is very dependent on what his ex can handle.
If you feel the need to talk about you feelings then maybe it is time. You can let him know you have strong feelings for him in a way that isn’t overwhelming. And, you can certainly do so in a way that doesn’t make you seem crazy and obsessive. The truth is, developing feelings for someone is a normal response when you spend time with each other, connect well, etc. Have you two ever talking about your feelings or the situation? If so, how did those conversations go?
Kanya
Hi Ruta, I really get why this is difficult. You obviously care for each other and enjoy spending time together. Yet, as Heidi shared, you are doing yourself a disservice by staying in a situation that is causing you pain. IF you aren’t ready to end it permanently, perhaps taking a break for a period of time is the next step. Decide what works for you and them hold the boundary. It will be difficult and it will trigger a lot go things for you but it is an important step.
Yes, he sometimes talks about the possibility of getting back together but he isn’t doing anything to make it happen. And, at 22 I would not expect him to be ready to actually be in a serious relationship. If you r ready, perhaps dating someone your age or a bit older would simplify things. I know it is difficult to imagine but isn’t that how everyone feels after a break up?
Just out of curiosity, how long did the two of you date initially?
Kanya
Hi Ann, SO the two of you are dating but you re ready for more?Right now what is the relationship like? Ho often do you see each other? Has he met your family and friends and vice versa? What do you think you are ready for that he is hesitant about? I guess I’m wondering what the rush is? If the two of you are happy and it is working, what is actually on hold?
The timing of the offer is interesting. If you take him out of the picture, is this a position that you would be interested in? I think you need to make the decision based on what words for you and you alone because you need to be your priority. And, maybe some space would be helpful for both of you! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Ruta, I am sorry that you are going through this. I can see that from your perspective it makes sense that the two of you try this again given your connection and the way in which you are doing better! Of course you would want to be with someone you feel such a connection with.
My guess is he refocuses things back to the negative because he is afraid to let you in again. To me, the only way to show someone you have changed is by being the new you when you are with them. It sounds like you are doing that. Have you stopped drinking at this point or do you just drink less. Either way, does he have faith in these changes?
I can see that he may have an unforgiving nature. If he is saying you need to live wiht the consequences of your behavior for life, with no hope of ever being given a second chance, well this is very concerning in terms of his ability to actually have a loving, sustainable relationship. Relationships will always take compromise. You also need to be able to foggier and give each other not just a second change but a thousand chances in different ways. It is important for you to decide if this is working of you not the other way around.
Of course it is hurting you to spend time with him. You have worked hard to change a behavior, something that is very hard to do. He ins’t saying he needs more time to trust this, he is saying that because of your mistake you will ‘live with the consequences’ forever. The must be really painful and minimizing. Does he ever say that there is a chance that things will change after a certain time or additional changes?
Perhaps it is time for you to take a break from this. You can maintain a friendship but let him know that you need some time to think and figure some things out. This may or may not motivate him to face his fears and move forward but it will help you rebalance and regroup. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rich, I’m glad to hear that this approach makes sense. While this isn’t a science, there are certainly things that you can do to get distance. I agree that it would be better not to meet him right now because the two of you fall back into romantic relationship behavior. If he is doing that while telling you he can’t be with you, well that would be confusing and incredibly unfair to you.
What if you started to treat him t he way you treat other friends? What would that look like? I imagine you would want to be yourself and treat him as a friend. Talk normally, be friendly, but the more clear you are of the boundaries the easier it will be for him to follow them. I do think you can be playful in a non-sexual way. Think about how the two of you interacted before things became sexual. My guess is the two of you were playful and fun then without being sexual. If you think back, what comes to mind?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I agree with what you shared about the brain – amazing and a pain at times lol
One thing that might help you identify some deeper thoughts is to connect with the younger parts of yourself. When you were little were there any experienced that may have led you to come to the conclusion that you were not lovable? Mot of the time it isn’t about what people say when we are that young. It is about how people treat us and the decisions we make about ourselves as a result. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I agree that he is over some things give that he has been separated for 2 years but emotionally, even an amicable divorce is heavy and complicated and exhausting. Adding the complexity of the conflict between your guy and his ex I imagine that his emotional fatigue is even more than usual.
I wanted tog address something you shared a few messages ago. You said that his behavior at the part seemed insecure and egotistical. Have you thought about this more and how it might be a new side you are seeing that is actually part of his personality? Have the two of you talked about him being more distant lately? HAs he been able to open up about what is going on for him?
Also wondering if you were able to think about what you have done in the past when you needed to get over a relationship?
Kanya
