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Hi Natasha, It sounds like it’s been just over a month since your partner opened up to you. I do think it will take more time to turn things around. I love that you are looking at ways to improve yourself. That is actually even more important to you than him as it is important to be healthy and present for you son! Plus, as you take more dominion over your life you will have the opportunity to keep building your life and your career which is important.
I can understand why you don’t want to give up on things. The two of you have created a life together and have a child so of course you want to work things out. However, it is vital that you continue to set boundaries with him as it is not okay for him to be emotionally abusive to you. I get that he is going through a difficult time but it is not okay to take it out on you. You did a great job when you set the boundary recently. That is important! Please do keep setting boundaries and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Have you stopped to consider what you want in this situation? What do you need to feel safe to trust him and let him in again? It is important for you to figure it out and advocate for yourself. Otherwise you will continue to feel pushed and pulled in all of this. Can you share what you want and need at this time?
Good luck on the test tomorrow!
Kanya
Hi Vicki,
I can totally understand why moving out right now may not be the best choice for you and your daughter. I do think that it i time to consider what you will need to do to make that happen. DO you need to consider other living situations? Can you continue to work with this person even if you aren’t in a relationship together?At this stage have the two of you agreed that you are no longer in a relationship, just living and working as friends? How do your daughter and your partner currently interact?
Kanya
Hi Erika, You are right-that is not healthy! We will all feel unsure and confused at times in any relationship.But, it sounds like you feel more unsure than sure, more confused than clear. And, the fact that you recognize that yo are not being your usual self let alone your best self is a clear sign. The use of the word volatile is concerning. When a couple feels volatile things can escalate quickly in a really negative way.
I have been in similar situations in the past. One thing that I have learned with time is to steer clear of any connection that makes me feel this way. Are you still in the dog house at this point? What could you do at this time to gain more clarity over the situation?
Kanya
Hi EB, I’m so sorry things didn’t go as you had hoped! It seems like while you do enjoy spending time together, that wasn’t enough to translate to a relationship. That is defiantly one of the possible downsides of dating a friend. Even though this is difficult it sounds like you are clear that this is the right step. Yes, it would be wonderful if he was ready to take things to the next level but unfortunately he is not.
I love that you are feeling appreciative of the wonderful things that you have in your life. You are an amazing woman with sooooo much to offer. I am looking forward to you having the opportunity to build something with someone new who is ready, willing, and able to really participate! In the mean time, how are you doing?
Kanya
Hi Georgina, I know it is really difficult but I am glad that he is opening up and sharing more. You don’t think that much has changed in the past month but I see a lot has changed. He was affectionate with you while with his friends which was new. My guess it is was hims trying to do something different and putting more effort into the relationship. I also sense that he is feeling more safe and open as a result of the changes that you have made because he is opening up to you.
I know that a month can seem like a long time but it will take longer than a month to truly turn things around. Have you considered working with a couples therapist? My sense is they wold help you both open up more and understand the different factors that are contributing to this. I hear your concerns that once his attraction is gone you can’t imagine it coming back but I believe it can. Actually, I’ve seen it come back in countless couples.
You might also work with someone on your own to help you manage stress more effectively. Until going from 0-100 quickly gets resolved it will be difficult to make as much progress as you’d like. Can you think about this habit a bit? Why did you start feeling that way? Did either of your parents model this type of response to stress? What have you don’t to help lower your stress and build your inner resilience muscle?
Kanya
Hi Sofie, Ughhhh. That is a great question. Turns out men and women are literally hard wired differently. Men are able to be sexual and close to a woman without bonding but women are not able to do the same. Different parts of a woman’s brain lights up when they are close and this literally causes them to “attach.” It’s actually similar to what an infants brain does when attaching to their mother. When a woman falls in love her brain is thinking “This is my person. I am mean to be with him.” and her brain chemistry changes as a result. Then, if the guys leaves, her brain will panic and feel like it is impossible to survive without him.
This is why Heidi, and I, are encouraging you to think rationally with this person rather than thinking emotionally. You want to see where it goes and he is clear that once he leaves it is over. If you think it is painful now to end things, imagine how it will feel if you re even more in love, even more bonded. How are you doing with all of this?
Kanya
Hi Sunny, I am glad that the two of you are staying connected and it feels as though he is really invested at this time. I guess I would encourage you to move more slowly when the two of you start to spend face to face time together. It is more than okay to court a bit and move step by step before becoming physical again. What if you dated, spent time together, and let the sexual energy build.
If I remember correctly, the two of you became intimate on the second and third date. This was after feeling as though he swept you off of your feet. Then, he disappeared. I see some similarities with what is happening now. He rushed back into your life, is making a lot of promises and has high hopes for where things are going. However, the two of you haven’t just taken the time to get to know each other, date, hang out. It seems like you are both jumping from stage 1 of dating to stage 25 or being in a relationship already. There is still so much to get to know about each other. Until you know each other a lot better I don’t see how either of you can actually make a commitment.
I guess I’m concerned if he will set the bar too high then run again. I think it might be better to slow this down and see if he can maintain connection over time now just in the beginning when the excitement and thrill levels are high. Does that make sense? Do you have any concerns that things are moving quickly again?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, You are amazing! I love that you realized where that pattern came from. Of course you would have wanted to keep busy to avoid feeling lonely and unlovable. You were just a little girl and you needed more love, connection, and attention. You were still learning to love yourself based on the type and frequency of attention that you received. Now, how to let it go?
First, I would start to connect with that little girl inside of you. When either or you feel bored, make sure she knows that she is not alone. Remind her of all of her amazing qualities and how she deserves love simply because she exists. Share that love with her and over time you will become more comfortable with down time and have space in between all the doing. My sense is that she felt lonely first and then depressed as a result of some decisions she made about her worthiness or value to those around her. These are the judgments that you really want to forgive. There is no behavior to forgive, rather the judgments that you were not lovable, not worthy or attention, deserving to be alone. All of those judgments are not true but we all carry those early judgments with us until we let forgive them and release them.
How is this little one feeling these days as you are dating more and have the intention of creating a loving partnership. On the one hand I sense that she is excited to create that connection. On the other hand i wonder if she sometimes feels under-loved or lonely again like she did as a kid? Again, this is a great time to be checking in with that part of you every day and sharing all of the unconditional love you have with her!
It sounds as though you did get clear that low self esteem guy was not for you. Just the fact that this is his nick name tells me a lot about what the relationship could have been like. It seems like a good choice to step back. Still, as you share your love and acceptance with your little one inside it will be interesting to see how that changed the relationship dynamic you are comfortable with. It really is amazing when you can be comfortable just being still with another person. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Kim, It will be awkward but then again EVERYTHING is awkward when you are first learning how to do it! If it was easy, you would already be doing it.
I suggest you start small and see what works. Here is a link to an article that makes some good suggestions:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/is-your-inner-child-under_n_710499After you read it think about some things you could do for yourself that are nurturing! Let us know how it goes.
Kanya
Hi Sunny, I am so glad that you and your sister are finding a way to reconcile. It sounds like the decision has been a blessing for everyone in your family. I hope that things continue to improve and that you continue to heal!
I am glad that things continue to move forward. It sounds as though he has a lot of energy for this at this time and you are both excited about the plans that are unfolding. You asked if I thought it was okay and before I answer I want to ask you the same thing; Do you think this is moving at the right speed? What does your gut tell you about this? Let me know what you are thinking and I will be happy to share some of my thoughts!
Kanya
Hi EB, I agree that clarity is good! And I think that you can take some time to do your own thing. You want to give him a chance to miss you and wonder how you are and what you are doing! Remember, you are the prize that he is attempting to win over.
When he texted you on Monday, how did you respond?
Kanya
Hi Sunita, All of this is great news! I am so excited that you now have the opportunity to have a relationship with your nephew and his wife. What a blessing this is for all of you! It sounds as though the weekend went well and the two of you easily connected and began rebuilding. I am excited for you and your family.
I am glad to hear that Stephen is now doing the work to catch your attention and affection. How great that you are in a position to enjoy his pursuit without needing to rush things! Hold on to that as long as you can! So May 8 is the soonest you can see him? That sounds like a good amount of time. Do the two of you have any plans for when you do reconnect?
Kanya
Hi Kim, I’m glad you brought up pampering. TO me that is different that self love and self support. This occurs when you listen to the younger, more vulnerable parts of yourself and provide comfort and support. AS an example, lets say that you aren’t feeling special or lovable if a guy has distanced himself. Self love would be doing things to reassure yourself that you are special and lovable. This could occur in the form of a conversation or letter with your vulnerable self. You could also write a list of all the amazing things about you such as being kind, funny, loving, smart, etc. Doing this reminds you that you are wonderful and special. You are the same person now as you are when he was paying attention to you.
Often times, we feel better about ourselves when a guy is really showing us love. WE feel more special in may ways. Then, if they go away or their feelings change we feel bad about ourselves. The reality is, you are the same person now as you were when you were dating him. All those things you liked about yourself while you were in a relationship are still present inside of you. Actually, they were always present inside of you. Shining the light of love on yourself when someone else stops doing so is a way to love yourself and care for yourself.
Self care might be letting yourself cry, write letters to this guy to express yourself but be sure NOT to send them. It could be doing little things for yourself to make you feel better. The actual actions will differ from person to person but the idea is the same. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Erika, I am soooo sorry that you are in the middle fo this type of relationship. Of course you are feeling confused and hurt. If I am reading it correctly, you are good for about a week. Then something that seems small upsets him, things explode, and he doesn’t talk to you for 2-4 weeks. If that is the case it sounds as though you are spending significantly less time in connection compared to the time he isn’t speaking with you. Is that accurate?
This seems like such a roller coaster ride or emotions. You look forward to this amazing date, things are going so well, you open up, and boom things explode. Sometimes couples have really different communication styles in that they literally hear things differently than they are being said. That can create so much drama and emotional reactivity. Once he texts to say he misses you, does he take responsibility for his out of proportion response? Does he ever talk about needing to make changes so that things could be easier and his responses could be less dramatic?
Here is the thing. No matter what you are doing, his reaction is not mature nor appropriate. In order for a relationship to be successful both people need to manage their emotions effectively. Over-reacting to small things and then not talking for weeks at a time is not okay. It will be impossible to build when the rug is alway being pulled out from under you. I’m glad that you haven’t had relationships like this in the past as that tells me this isn’t a pattern, rather an isolated situation.
Based on what you share he is in the not talking to you phase. How are you doing? Are you getting support from family and friends? Please respond to my questions and share what ever you feel would be helpful! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
