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HI Sunny, It makes sense that you are nervous and excited. Actually, those two feelings are very similar but opposite sides of the coin so to speak. I hear that he us talking about a long term relationship but yes, you will need to get through the start of this relationship and see if he can stick it out when his emotions get triggered. He is good at planning the future but it seems as though his next goal is to learn to stay in the present and keep showing up. Does that make sense?
IT sounds like the two of you have a great day planned tomorrow (today is Monday in the States) Please let us know how everything goes. WE are here to support and encourage you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Sofie, I it is so interesting that he is now in a panic. He was entirely comfortable with you getting attached and then leaving but all of a sudden he doesn’t want to be hurting. That must be really frustrating. I acknowledge that you are staying strong. Please know that this is not an easy thing and give yourself loads of credit!
In terms of support, tell me what you are doing for you. And, who is on your support team right now in terms of family and friends who know what you are going through?
Kanya
Hi SS, so this is really new. It makes sense that he would be able to disengage at this point without a lot of difficulty. Since we aren’t sure where he is right now, heck he probably doesn’t know where he is right now in terms of the relationship, it makes sense that you take a step back and recenter inside of yourself. I don’t mean to push him away or be rude. Part of healing will be realizing that you can take a step back and still be connected to caring for your partner. Many people feel too vulnerable to take a step back so they will feel more anger. At that point they will do things to push someone away. For you, the most healing thing you can do is to take some space while still allowing for positive feelings for this person.
That will mean learning to tolerate a different level of vulnerability. You will be taking a chance. You will continue to be open to this person while he sorts things out even when you don’t know where things are going! Anything you can do to ground yourself through this will be important. Do you have any daily habits such as meditation that can help you stay centered and feel positive?
Also, there is a great book that came to mind as I have been writing. It is called “Calling in the One.” It is really about understanding and letting go of the past so that you can create a partnership in the present. I suggest you take a look and start to work through it as it is a workbook as well. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Krystie, I can understand your concern. The thing is, you are making yourself so available that he can rely on you being there even when he pushes you away. When you shared his response to you saying “It is good to see you smile and being happy’ and he responded with “I don’t like being monitored” it was really clear the degree to which he is taking you and your support for granted. SO yes, don’t kiss him goodbye. BE friendly the way you would with any roommate but take a step back. Perhaps staying at your mom’s for a few days would be helpful — helpful for you! It is important that you take care of yourself through all of this.
When you say it may make things worse, what do you imagine might happen if you take a step back?
Kanya
Hi Eva, I love that you are mow focusing nowhere you want to get versus where you are.That is a powerful difference! It sounds as though you’re starting to see Paul in a different light. On the one hand you enjoy aspects of your time together and on the other you are realizing some things about him that make you question things. This is an important step in any relationship! Initially we see the new person in our lives with rose colored glasses. WE focus on and exaggerate the positives in that person. It is just the way our brain works in the beginning. And, we minimize the negatives. It seems like you are starting to get a more balanced view of Paul which is very empowering!
I like that you are starting to refocus your vision on you and where you are going. Have you ever tried EFT Tapping? It is a powerful yet simple technique that I think you would find beneficial. There are hundreds of people on You Tube who do this but my favorite in Brad Yates. I suggest you do a search and see which one seems to fit where you are and/or where you want to be. I like to suggest you try it once a day for a week and then determine the effects it is having on you. Have you ever heard of it?
Kanya
Hi Krystie, It must be soo frustrating. I can see the ways in which you feel he is giving you mixed signals. I hear how much you care for him and the degree to which you want him to be his old self again. The thing is, right now he is being really unkind to you. That is never okay and it is certainly not okay to be like this consistently.
I suggest you try something different. Take a step back. A big step back. Stop pursuing connection. Stop asking him how he is. Stop encouraging him to sleep in the bed. Be a friendly roommate but nothing more. I know it sounds extreme and in some way it is. But, he is being extreme and perhaps you making big change will get his attention.
Right now you are pursuing and he is running. SO, if you stop chasing we will have the opportunity to see if he stops running. Now it will not make a difference for awhile. Meaning, I would not expect to see him even notice this at first. But, if you keep at it for a few weeks, as I shared, you have the chance to see if he stops running and opens up again. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Let me see if I have the time line correct. The two of you have been dating for two months but haven’t seen each other for the past 2 weeks due to a job transition. Is that accurate? Two months into a long time and as you shared, he is not in a committed relationship. So, this is sort of a wait and see situation.
I guess I’m wondering if you are treating this like a committed relationship in your behavior as well as in your heart? If so, slow down. You mentioned that you don’t want to be blinded by being head over heels. If that is the case, you definitely need to slow your roll. The two of you are simply dating. You aren’t yet in a committed relationship. Don’t give him more than he has earned! At this point, he hasn’t earned a relationship. Have you jumped in with your heart in the past before things had moved to the relationship phase? The two of you are really still in the ‘getting to know you and spending time together’ part of the relationship. Yet, he can’t actually spend time with you. It is too soon to tell where things will go.
He asked for a month of time. Do you think that is going to be enough time for him? My guess is, he isn’t wanting things to drag out but he is just super focused on the job. You mentioned that he does like to have a lot going on. If this is the case, do you imagine that he will actually have time for a relationship?
Kanya
Hi Krystie, I am so sorry to hear about your Nana. That is such a huge loss and made worse by it being unexpected. I hope you are doing things to take care of yourself even if he cannot.
I am sorry that this is occurring with your guy. To clarify, for the 7 months that the two of you were dating, did he treat you differently? Did he act as though he was excited about being in a relationship or did he treat it like a friends with benefits situation? How long ago was the trip to America that left him unsettled? Did anything happen before he left on his recent trip, or while he was away, that could have make him separate?
I think that my biggest concern is that he has ‘always’ said that he is over relationships, doesn’t want the drama etc. TO me this forever leaves the door open to him not committing. It’s like he can pick and choose the aspects of the relationship that he wants. He also gives himself permission to ignore your needs because “he’s over it.” HAs this been your experience too?
Kanya
Hi Savanna, I think you are being wise in how you respond to him at this point. Given all that he and his family have gone through I imagine that this guy is pretty confused and possible overwhelmed emotionally. I love the idea of actions speaking louder than words. Doing something kind is a nice idea and may help him remember the amazing benefits of the relationship!
In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself and get support?
Kanya
Hi EB, Just so you know, you never need to apologize for long emails. WE are here to support you so Please share all that you need to to feel heard! The book I suggested is by an American author. I’m not lear where you live but perhaps you can buy it through Amazon in your country?
I love that you are gaining so much insight into yourself. That is so amazing. From my perspective, regardless of what happens between you and this man you will use all that you are learning in the future. I’m curious, have the two of you been clear that you are in a relationship or does he think this is more of a hook up situation? I wonder if that is the first place to start in terms of getting clarity?
Kanya
Hi Savanna, I love the insight you are developing in all of this! That is great and is something you will clearly use in other stressful situations that come up in life. I agree with Heidi to just give him some space for now. Focus on what you want and need and recenter.
I think it is great that you are thinking about ways to make this less impersonal! That could certainly be helpful as the two of you sit down to talk. I would start by taking ownership of any of your behavior that you want to address. That doesn’t mean you are responsible for his stress and his response. It just means something like “These are the areas that I can improve on.” When he talks, try to listen for longer periods of time. I know that you will want to let him know if you disagree or think he is misunderstanding you in some way. But, if you listen deeply it may help him to open up and understand what is really bothering him. Mirror back to him that you understand and respect what he is saying by saying things such as “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. That must feel lonely or unimportant.” Doing so helps him feel understood which again will help him open up.
Once things are back on track and the two of you have reconnected, you can talk to him about different ways to manage his stress in the future. It might be a new concept for him to lean on you and share how thoughts and feelings versus holding things inside, exploding, and taking a break. Overall how are you feeling about talking with him when he returns?
Kanya
Hi SS, I am so glad that you are here! So, I have a few questions. You mention that this is a new relationship. How long have you been dating and what was the interaction like before he started his second job? How often did you see each other n person, talk on the phone, etc. What does his work week look like in terms of days and hours worked. What have you texted him that he is not responding to?
I’m looking forward to hearing back from you. IN the mean time, I would refrain from texting him and give both of you some space!
Kanya
Hi Eva, I love the term ‘crumple buttons!’ That is such a great description of what can happen when out mind moves faster than a courtship or relationship. There is a great book that you might enjoy reading at this time. It’s called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. You know how you’ve always wanted a hand book on relationships? Well this is something like that. It outlines all of the stages of a relationship from meeting to being in a committed relationship. I think that you’d find a lot of great information on the process of moving from first date to commitment. Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, This is an interesting response form him. I wonder if you seeming to lose interest motivated him in some way or if his hero instinct was triggered when you talked about your dog. Hmmmm. What do you think?
I’m a bit suspect of him wanting you to go to his place for a drink. He hasn’t really invested time or energy into winning you over and that makes me think this is not something he is taking very seriously. It makes it really convenient for him but I get the sense that it would be better for him to actually meet you somewhere out an about. I’m not clear if his intentions are to actually pursue a relationship or if he is looking for something more casual. Are you clear about what you want? Having you stop by for a drink is different than him saying “I’m not able to afford a babysitter right now but I could cook you a late dinner and we could hang out.” What exactly is he bringing to the table here?
Sorry if I am raining on your parade but I don’t want you to walk into a booty call situation. What do you think?
Kanya
