Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Julie, I can understand how meeting his kids would make things easier for the two of you to get together. It probably makes sense for the two of you to spend more time together before that happens and that is the Catch 22. You both really need to know each other and be sure of things and see the best and worst of each other before you know. And, until you both know where this is going you need to keep the kids out of it. Meeting a boyfriend or girlfriend of their parents is just too confusing for kids. I know you guys will keep that in mind while getting to know each other better.
I’m glad he is figuring out how to stay in touch with all that he is dealing with. It sounds like he values his connection with you and feels the support coming his way! Keep taking care of yourself and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Lee, I am so sorry that you r heart is hurting. IT sounds as though the two of you are trying to make this work. The thing is, it sounds like a lot of work. Of course the two of you are tired! Neither of you is being yourself and neither of you is feeling good in this relationship.
You may not want to hear this but what if the two of you just aren’t a good match? Not every couple actually fits well together for many different reasons. It sounds as though the two of you are opposite in several personality aspects. That is why the two of you are so exhausted-just being yourselves doesn’t work for each other. While there are many things we can do to change our behavior, we really can’t change our personality and honestly, you wouldn’t want to. We all need to be ourselves and if you are going to be in a relationship it should be with someone who loves us just as we are!
In terms of your insecurities… the thing is, if his reassuring you was enough you would be feeling more secure by now. In actuality you are the only person who can help yourself feel better, feel full, and heal your heart. There are 2 books that I think would be helpful for you at this time; “How to be An Adult” and “How to be An Adult in Relationship.” It will help you understand that our partners can really only be responsible for a very small part of our happiness. WE need to be responsible for the majority or it and then we have family and friends who assist as well. I think it should be helpful for you to start to consider what a loving Adult relationship can actually look like. I know it is probably a little scary to let go of the idea that others are responsible for our relationships but the reality is, doing so is definitely more freeing and more empowering.
Also, I think perhaps there is an opportunity to reframe your dad leaving. While it was a painful decision, you were actually an adult when he left yet I sense that you feel abandoned in some way and it is making it difficult for you to feel secure in yourself and in other relationships. It is important that you come to peace with this and realize that your dad leaving doesn’t have to affect you for the rest of your life. In reality, you can grow into a strong, empowered, and secure woman even if your dad decided to leave.
I know this is a lot for me to share so I’ll take a break for now and give you a chance to respond. Hangin there. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Gwendolyn, Wow, I really acknowledge you. It sounds like talking to Heidi helped you to see the aspects of this that were questionable. You decently don’t deserve to be or feel disrespected and it sounds like he is on a different level and perhaps doesn’t really understand how relationships work. I love that you have refocused on you, your grand’s, your life again. That must feel very freeing!
Self love and self care are incredible important! What are you doing these days to facilitate those qualities?
Kanya
Hi Eva, I like the idea of setting specific, reasonable goals. Doing so can facilitate so much growth in a short amount of time. Chunking things down into small goals or even small actions makes anything seem possible! I do agree that doing what you can to untangle from Paul is important at this time. Doing so will open up so much potential for yourself.
You can always write a letter to get your thoughts and feelings out on paper but put it aside for now and see if it is still something you want to communicate in a few weeks. If not, no harm no foul! At that point you can rip it up and move on. Either way I think you will have some closure in writing it!
Kanya
Hi Julie, I can totally understand your concerns. However, he is continuing to initiate AND most of your time communicating is not sexting or phone sex. That tells me that things are on the right path. If this continues for 2 months and the two of you aren’t spending time together I would start to wonder why. What is the reason the two o you aren’t spending more time together?
Kanya
Hi Sunita, Thank you for opening up. I really acknowledge your courage and strength. I cannot imagine what you have gone through emotionally as a result of the rape. Keeping it to yourself could have left you guarded and bitter yet what I hear in your words is a smart, loving, authentic woman. I hope that you give yourself all the credit you deserve for the healing and growth you have embraced in your life. I also acknowledge the younger Sunita who understood how telling your family would affect your family, given what ultimately happened to that man.
So, Stephen is more complicated than w first imagined but in some ways it isn’t a surprise given your experience of him. In reading between the lines I hear some concerns on your part which I think are valid. While I am glad that Stephen is woking with a therapist it remains to be seen where he will ultimately get in terms of his libido/erection. I think that sending more time together and seeing how things evolve is a great plan.
Overall you are doing such an amazing job navigating a complicated situation! I’m just wondering if you have considered your non-negotiable in terms of a relationship, either with Stephen or someone else?
Kanya
HI Beverly, I am so sorry for the hurt and betrayal you have experienced. I can totally understand why your heart would go on lock down as I think this is a normal response. The thing is, it is a normal response for a period of time. Eventually, with time and connection our walls need to come down so that our heart can heal.
There is a great book called “Getting Past the Affair” by Douglas Snyder and a two other authors that i think might be helpful to you right now. I am actually working through it with a couple in my practice and having amazing results. Are you open to getting it and beginning to work through it? I guess the bigger questions is; are you willing to let your walls down, heal, and let your partner back in? Yes, doing so will feel incredibly vulnerable. How could it not! But part of being in any relationship is being willing to be vulnerable with your partner. That can be really challenging, especially if you have had reason not to trust him! Yet, it sounds like, as Heidi shared, that you are also cut off from your heart. You describe yourself as a passionate woman yet you are disconnected from the part of you that experiences that passion most.
When all of this occurred 2 years ago, was your boyfriend able to articulate what was happening for him that he was looking for connection elsewhere?Did he take your emotions and reactions seriously when it occurred?
Kanya
I love the sounds of a Goddess Group! Tell us more!
It sounds like he wants you to want him but he doesn’t want to actually invest in something at this time. That is important to pay attention to as it is probably not changing any time soon. Keeping this on a business level is a great idea AND I like that you are clear that you want to meet him out in public versus going to his place. Sleeping with someone from the past is something we all contemplate and sometimes struggle with at time. I like that you are making decisions to take care of your heart!
I m glad that you re seeing that he really doesn’t fulfill your non-negotiable. It it is so important to honor what you are looking for. So many people find someone they like and begin to adapt to that person. This never ends well!
I hear that you feel you are all over the place but it makes total sense to me. Of course you have a lot of conflicting feelings. You are attracted to him and at the same time are bothered by the way he treats you. It is definitely possible to have multiple feelings at the same time. And, we can be attracted to someone who we don’t even like at times-amazing! Overall it sounds as though you really are on the right track and as you let go of this you are having other opportunities to connect which is great!
I’m looking forward to hearing what you think when your schedule opens up a bit! Hope your presentation goes well!!!
Kanya
Hi Sara, I acknowledge you for your wisdom. It isn’t easy to hear something like this. What are you doing to love and support yourself through this?
Kanya
Hi Julie, How exciting. I love that the two of you are moving slowly. It will create a solid foundation on which you can build! I agree with Heidi, you did a fantastic job on the text. I’m sure he appreciates it even if he isn’t overly communicative about it.
I think your goal of reminding yourself to stay busy and not focus on this too much is great. Are you the type of person who tends to overthink? Any other concerns you are having at this time?
Kanya
Also, I am really sorry this is happening. I can imagine how hurt you are and disappointed and confused. I am so sorry that he is choosing to handle things this way. And, I do hope you choose to exit as things are clearly escalating.
Kanya
Hi Krystie, I agree this appears to be over. He is telling you in his behavior and his words that he is not committed in anyway to this. On the contrary, he is being rude and insensitive. I get that you don’t want the break up but you seem to want to fight reality to make it work. Reality is like gravity-it always wins.
Are you going to be with other people this weekend? If not, I suggest you rethink the trip because he is not going to suddenly change and be a good guy again just for the trip.
Let me ask you something; in other relations, how did things end? Did he even actually end things or just behave in such a way that the woman left him?
Kanya
Hi Sara, I am so glad that you are here! IT sounds like some a quick change. I can imagine how confusing that is for you!
Since things changed when you were caring for him post surgery, I can’t help but wonder if he was uncomfortable with the level of vulnerability he was feeling. Please know that this is not something you created or are responsible for. I just wonder if he was uncomfortable with this. I wonder if this triggered something in him that made him question his worthiness. Prior to this what was the dynamic like between the two of you? Was he more likely to care for you etc. How is he functioning in the rest of his life? Does he have a career he likes, friends, accomplishments?
Kanya
Hi Julie, Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you are doing a great job. Worst, you didn’t panic when you didn’t hear from him. You didn’t imagine the worse case scenario and text bomb him based on what you were imagining. Well done!
I think sharing your feelings simply, as you did above. is the way to go. Doing so in a call versus a text would be better. You don’t need to do a lot, just sharing from a heart felt place will be good. Just to clarify, how long have the two of you been dating?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I hear your frustration. I remember times in my life when I felt judged in that way by family and sometimes friends. I remember one cousin in particular who could be brutal at time. Ugh, I am so sorry that this is occurring. I imagine your grandmother is traditional and wants you to have the kind of life that she values. Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you can be honest about where you are at? I wonder if that would help her understand where you are with all of this and that it is sometimes hurtful when she talks to you in that way.
I agree that we can have a deep connection with ourselves and still long for a partner. It sounds like what is most bothersome at this time is that you feel judged by others. Let me ask you this…are the people judging you happy in their lives and their relationships?
Kanya
