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Hi Sunita, Honestly, this is such a small this. You had a dinner date with someone and never saw him again. Stephen is using this to grill you and make decisions about you rather than accepting you for who you are. This is a huge red flag. I get that he is still hurt from the past but he is now transferring how lack of trust in other woman on to you with no actual reason to do so.
I love how honest Zade was with you. This is too much for Stephan to ask of you. The reality is, this keeps surfacing for him because he hasn’t worked through past hurts NOT because you have don anything wrong. And, it is not up to you to help Stephen through this! It is up to him. Right now there is a hoe inside of him. No matter how much reassurance and love yo pour in to him, it will leak out until HE plugs up the hole. It is interesting that he is focusing on trying to find holes in your story. That tells me that there is a lot of work that he still needs to do to be ready for a relationship.
When you say that you need to redeem yourself can you share more about what that means?
Kanya
Hi, I really acknowledge you. You are doing such a great job supporting yourself and nurturing yourself through this. I really like how you were able to refocus your mind from those endless conversations in your head to focusing instead on why he was not a good match for you.
You did a good job explaining the grief process; you feel good and then a wave of sadness comes over you and you feel as though you are drowning in sadness. All of this uncomfortable feelings will come in waves. What you will notice is that the waves will come less frequently and be smaller with time. When they do come, learn to ride the wave knowing it will come to an end and you will feel positive again. It is also a good time to remember the growth like you don’t love him anymore, you know what it is like to be cared for by someone, etc.
Is there a project or focus you can throw yourself into at this time that will take more of your attention and energy at this time? It sounds be sometime big like trading for a race or something small like cleaning out your closets. Does anything come to mind?
Kanya
Hi LEe, it is great that you are working with a coach! I would also suggest you consider working with a therapist who has additional training in healing these deeper wounds we all have from childhood. That really does take a special set os skills and if you re going to put in the time and effort then so so with someone who can really help you heal!
I also suggest you read John Bradshaw’s book “Home Coming; Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child>” He is an amazing person who writes about what children need to develop into strong, confident adults. In this book he talks about how children are affected by chaos and a lack of emotional maturity and support in adults. I think you might understand yourself more fully if you read it!
I can understand why you are struggling with this relationship. It seems like there is an assumption that he is being mean or marginalizing even when he might be playful. That is a lot to figure out. I love that Heidi reflected back to you the reason why you are so comfortable with a chaotic, cold relationship. I hope that helped you understand things a bit more. It is important for you to know that even though this is something that currently makes sense to you, you can actually learn to create a calmer more loving relationship. YEs, there are things you can do to be less sensitive and reactive to him and it is important that you learn how to feel strong inside of yourself no matter what! But also, if you find that even when you are strong, he is too insensitive or too tuned out, then please consider letting this go and finding someone who makes you feel better about yourself. This relationship is still new in so many ways. You wouldn’t be losing something by moving on! It is okay to date different types of guys while learning about who you are. The most mature thing we can learn at this stage of dating is that not everyone is a good fit for us! And, when you find a not so good fit it is best to let go and more on to something that fits better.
Kanya
Hi Melanie, This is a great question and one that I think a lot of woman have. I think that sometimes, when someone ends a relationship, they are done and have moved on. Other times, they may have done it because they were confused or scared or weren’t sure how to resolve a problem. Sometimes having an ex reach out to them can trigger feelings that are still there. Also, if someone is upset about something, after 30 days their anger will have dissipated and they might be seeing things more clearly. Often a couple can have a calmer, more insightful conversation at this time.
Sending a communication at this point reminds the person about the positive aspects of the relationship. Even if there is not a reconciliation,, there is a possibility that of closure which many people may still want and need. From my perspective, it is never a sign a weakness to show someone that you care for them. We need to be willing to be vulnerable to get close to someone. Without vulnerability there is no deep intimacy. While many people are raised t believe that showing vulnerability is a weakness, I believe it is a strength! In order for love to grow we need to be willing to open up and let someone know that we care about them even when we aren’t sure if they care too!
Kanya
Hi Melanie, I am so glad that you are here! I noticed that you posted another question about reaching out to someone you’ve dated. Perhaps my answer here will address that question as well.
I am so sorry that he flip flopped in this way. I can understand why you are hurt and confused. I too note a thread of loneliness that seems to trigger him. It is interesting that this pattern has been present for him in so many relationships. TO be clear, you didn’t do anything wrong by going out and having fun. Neither did his ex’s. I think the problem is he doesn’t get himself out to have fun. He works long hours and down’t make time for fun. Then, he gets mad at the women in his life for making time for fun. Would it really make more sense if you stayed home feeling alone and miserable like him. That is a red flag to me. Rather than lifting himself up to a higher level, having fun, and engaging in life, he wants to pull you down to a place of sadness and loneliness. If you did that would he feel more loved because you were making a sacrifice? We don’t know. But it is sad that this is his thinking.
Clearly you are a strong and independent woman. Please don’t give that up for anyone! When the two of you were together, did he give you the sense that he was willing to look at his own stuff and work on things? If so I wonder if he would be willing to look at his reaction to being lonely while you are away? I do think that the cared for you but if he can’t figure that piece out then he will most likely continued to get triggered. What if you go away for the weekend with your friends? Will this trigger him? What if you go home to visit your family for the holidays? Will he get upset. That to me is the main concern. WE all get triggered and have issues but do you think he is willing to look at his?
I know you are considering reaching out to him. I’m guessing you are hoping to get some answers and as well as possibly reconnecting. You could simply reach out in a friendly way. Send a quick text just saying hi. See if he responds. Maybe focus on building a friendship. See if he is able to articulate some of the things that were happening for him. You were asking in the other thread if that makes you seem needy or weak. The reality is, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to be close to others, YEs it is difficult but so important. if you do reach out and the response is silence or negativity, don’t take it personally. And, don’t feel like it was a mistake. It is a sign of strength that you are willing to reach out not a sign of weakness! If you always stay safe, keep your heart safe and not take risks then you won’t the hurt but you also won’t get the possibility of deep and abiding love!
I know this is a lot so I was to give you a chance to response to what I’ve shared. Looking forward to hearing back form you!
Kanya
Hi Natasha, Wow, what a turn around. I can understand you questioning the authenticity of this but from what you share this is actually real for him. I also understand your desire to want him to open up and share more. As Heidi shared above, that doesn’t seem to be part of who he is. What I will suggest is that you give him positive feedback about the changes. Nothing big, definitely no log talks as this seems to overwhelm him. Instead, show him that you are happy. Mention that things feel great. Note that he seems happier which makes you happy, etc.
My guess is he will also communicate in small bursts, a senate here or there. He probably won’t initiate a conversation as that seems to overwhelm him. Instead, look for and acknowledge the changes you see! Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Misty, Wow, it seems like you really had an epiphany about this. I echo what you said about you; you do know who you are. You do know what you are worth and you do know what you deserve. Yes, it will hurt for awhile but sometimes getting what we truly want requires going through a difficult time. What I know is that you can definitely do this!
I think the first step is actually letting go of this pattern with Brad and giving yourself some time and space to start to change the inner aspects of you that feel it is okay to be treated this way. That might take some time because it has been a part of you for so long. There is a great book that I think could help. It’s called: “Calling in The One.” It helps you discover what you have done in the past, why, and helps you move forward in a new and different manner.
Kanya
Hi Misty, I do think this is about his discomfort with emotional intimacy. He may crave it but he also runs from it. Not only that, he burns the house down as he is running out of it. As you say, he is affectionate as long as it isn’t verbal or intimate. I hear that you want more. You would marry him in a heart beat, you want him to be devoted to you. Of course you do! The thing is, that isn’t what he wants. He wants space. He wants no commitment. He wants beers, boats, and hoes. That is it! That is what he wants. He can sleep with you, or anyone, and not feel an emotional connection. He sticks around until it becomes uncomfortable then he is out.
Currently I think he is running for the hills. I think that things will happen with Sabrina in the near future if they haven’t already. And, he is doing it right in front of you. He shared his “I’m single phrase” because he is indirectly letting you know that he is not committed to you. He is single and can do what he wants. That must feel really hurtful to you. It is a cycle that keep playing out. Even though you were hoping for more, this is a cycle that will continue to play out. The person with the most to loose in all of this is you.
When his fear is heightened, he will most likely be with signs that tell you he isn’t yours, isn’t interested, etc. It sounds like he is dating Sabrina. Remember last time? He said nothing was going on and then, all of a sudden, he was moving in with her. He is on this trajectory again. I know you aren’t ready to totally walk away but can you at least start to set some boundaries with him so that you aren’t completely vulnerable?
Kanya
Hi Lee, Can you continue with a different therapist even if there is a charge. Most communities have low fee services that you can access. If you have health insurance this is also a way to access counseling sessions. And, if you have an EAP program at work you will have several free session each year. And there are a ton of relationships books. I suggest you guys read “How To Be An Adult in Relationship” together. DO so to see how you as individuals can grow versus pointing out how the other person could grow.
I hear that you are with this person because there is a part of you that enjoys the affection that you have for each other. Yet, you also mention that you have a low mood everyday. I think that perhaps you need to take some of the emotion out of this and think in a logical manner. There really needs to be an ease, a comfort, and fun interactions that should dominate the relationship. It seems as though the majority of your time is uncomfortable, uneasy, insecure. Perhaps you have different love styles in addition to having different communication styles. You shared that you have been continuously arguing for 10 months. That is not the basis for a happy relationship. Again, I am challenging you here because this doesn’t seem healthy to either of you emotionally. When we live in an emotionally unhealthy situation over time, our bodies often become unhealthy.
Did your parents have a similar relationship – misunderstandings and more arguing than positive connection time – before they divorced? I’m just wondering where you learned that this is what a relationship would be like?
Kanya
Hi Ayesha, I’m glad you are checking in!
It sounds as though this is an example of when you may be having ‘reimagined thoughts’ about him and his intention. I’m not sure who this woman was but if it was a brief handshake, why were you so upset. And, even if you were upset why did you express yourself in such an aggressive manner? While you didn’t ‘mean to’ part of being an grown up means that we take responsibility for our emotions and how we express ourselves, even when we are under stress.
In some of what you shared earlier it sounds as though when you are mad you get angry, flair, then maybe give him the silent treatment. is that accurate? That is response to anger that will have a negative affect on the relationship. There is a great book that perhaps the two of you could read. IT is called “How to Be An Adult in Relationship.” It does an amazing job of laying out certain ground rules for how to treat your partner. I think you would really get a lot of value out of it!
Since the two of you playing n to stay together it will be important for each of you to learn how to manage those difficult feeling such as anger, and learn how to resolve problems. Otherwise resentment does build up Couples who resent each other are often on the defensive with each other. Small things can feel big and result in big reactions, like the one you describe. Are there ways in which the two of you still connect, still feel good about each other, still enjoy each other? These are the things that you need to focus on growing. Otherwise you will be together but so unhappy it will affect not just you but those around you.
Have you apologized for how you reacted to the handshake? You can acknowledge that things have built up from he past but that you realize your reaction in this situation didn’t fit what was happening. Do you and your husband apologize to each other after something like this occurs?
Kanya
Hi Misty, I am so glad that you are here! I think that this is a really complicated situation because for him intimacy is complicated. He wants it and enjoys it at times and then when things get real, he runs. I do not anticipate that this will change. One thing that may help is if you are less direct with him about it. I know, that seems ridiculous, but for a guy like him, indirect is better when talking about relationships.
First, I would take a step back. When he starts to text again, and he will, play it cool. Let him find comfort first.
In terms of you not having problems to fix, give him some! Ask him to do a repair around the house once in awhile. Ask him to help you lift something heavy. Ask for his opinion about something. Ask him to uncork the wine. There are some many ways to ask for his help. He’s already communicated that when he did step up and help you by taking you on that trip he felt needed! Keep igniting his hero instinct and shining when he comes through!
Find smaller ways to get your point across. Ask him to explain more about what he meant when he said he often took a few weeks to think about what you said. That may be what he indeed is doing. The thing that might be missing is him them coming back and talking to you and filling you in. Ask him honestly if he feels like he can talk to you about these things with you just listening, not redirecting or guiding.
I know, if is a lot to think about but he is clearly an avoidant and will disappear when overwhelmed with emotions. Are you attached to what this relationship looks like? By that I mean are you okay if he is staying over 2-3 nights a week? Are you looking to live together, get married, what is ideal for you? The reason I ask is because he is probably more content with having separate lives that overlap at times. I know that is confusing given that he lived with his last girlfriend but realistically we just don’t know what that relationship looked like and why he was more conformable intuit situation. Have you asked him about that? I wonder if he could articulate it in some way that makes sense to you?
Overall it is going to be important to accept your differences. The more you push to change things that are important to him the more likely he is to run. It reminds me of a saying I recently saw; “in my 20″s I tried to change men. In my 40’s, I change direction.” Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Lee, It sounds like you re understanding that there are many levels involved in this. First, I suggest that you do some thing for yourself as I mentioned above. We all need to take responsibility for how we are feeling and how we respond to life. You ar the person who has the most power in terms of making changes. Learning how to be more secure inside of yourself will lead to being more secure in the relationship. This is ultimately what you want so I would start to focus some attention each day on this.
In terms of the the two of you could do together, have you considered meeting with a couples counselor or therapist. This is often the best way to start because a trained, third party can often see things that are difficult for us to see or understand. And, they have a lot or training in terms of helping couples work through issues, learn to compromise more effectively, and build a solid foundation. Is this something that you and your guy have considered?
Kanya
Hi Rhea, what a great question! I have a few questions. First, I’m wondering how long the two of you have been dating? During that time has be been seeing anyone else? And, is he open to being in a relationship even if the two of you aren’t married? Finally, why is it implant to you to be married?
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Mary, I am glad that you are on the forum. Let me see if I understand where you are coming from. The two of you are separated but hanging out. Does that mean you are kind of dating? Kind of moving on but still friends? The reason I ask is because I wonder if you are both dating others? If that is something you have agreed to then it seems like he can actually hang out with anyone he chooses just like you can hang out with whomever you choose.
If you aren’t at the stage where you are dating again then what if you share your concerns with him in a respectful, non-judgmental place? You can share that you trust him but that you know how women work and how then can behave towards a man that they are attracted to. See if he is open to hearing your concerns and taking your feelings into consideration. The way he responds will tell you a lot about what is actually going on.
Of course, given that he has lied in the past it will be important to pay attention to your gut. What is it saying to you about all of this? If you two are actually separated, maybe it is time to set some stronger boundaries. There isn’t really any value in you hearing about the other women he is spending time with. Also, better boundaries could help you move on and create space in your life for something new.
If you are really honest with yourself, what so you think is really going on between the two of you?
Kanya
