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Hi Shana, I’m glad you’re on the forum. So, to start with we have no idea why he blocked you. Yes, he may have thought you were sending him harassing texts but we don’t know that to be true. He could jus as easily decided to move on and not explain that to you. There are a lot of questions about this person that we don’t have answers to. The bigger question in my mind is how did you become so invested in someone that you haven’t really spent time with? From what you’ve shared you spent 4 hours in person with him, then the two of you struck up a text/phone friendship which ultimately didn’t go anywhere.
There is a lot about this situation that is vague and strange. Des it feel that way to you? He hasn’t really been tuned in to your thoughts and feelings in all of this and I can guarantee that he is not sitting at home wondering if you are angry with him, wondering if you think poorly of him. He has blocked your ability to communicate with him so having an understanding of what happened is clearly not that important to him or else he would have talked to you about it. I guess I am suggesting that you start to give as much thought and energy to this as he has given. While I don’t think that he hates you I do want you to know that you are NOT responsible for his feelings, he is! If you could let go of the need for him to understand and like you would it be easier to just walk away?
Kanya
Hi, I love this Ted Talk! I am so glad that Heidi shared it. I acknowledge you for being open to hearing the words and letting yourself learn from them.I support the idea that you create a list of the things that did not work for you, the memories that are unpleasant or help you remember the imperfection of this guy and the relationship. Yes, the mind will play tricks with you so it is vital that you start to direct your thinking in a way that helps your heart heal!
I can only imagine how traumatic it was to see your loving dad taken away from you. Hoe confusing and frightening for anyone let alone a young child. Giving yourself that security is a powerful idea. I would also suggest that you start to connect to that younger part of you. Imagine yourself holding her, reassuring her that you are never going to leave her. You are solid and you love her and you are now here for her. This will help that part of you begin to relax, to be okay when a guy leaves because you will never leave. Have you ever done this type of work before?
Kanya
I agree that it is not easy to travel with others. Things get triggered, stress mounts, we are out of your normalcy which is difficult. Sometimes we respond in a less than positive way. You do describe your relationship in a way that does sound like sisters lolI’m glad the two of you have gotten back to a better place. I’m sure she wants to be positive and supportive and isn’t understanding how she comes across. Perhaps when things settle out you can talk about the experience and see if you can understand each other a bit more. When people are stressed it is not time to give them feedback. When things settle down and the two of you are in a positive place you can bring it up.I would start by pointing out that you would like her to be happy and ask if there is anything you can do to support her. She may react better to this type of invitation rather than pointing out ways that she could improve herself.
A new puppy? That is so exciting and so exhausting lol It is interesting that your friend is acting a little jeans of your other bestie. And, I wonder if she was feeling jealous when she had to share you with your mom. Can you think of any reason that she might be feeling insecure about her connections with you these days? I’m glad you re going to have a buffet the trip. Hopefully that will help defuse any tension. If things do get weird I would calmly tell her that you all want to have fun and focus on puppy energy. The more playful you can be, the less threatened she will be. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Lee, Wow, I really acknowledge you for the degree to which you have opened up to considering other ideas and opinions. I realize that this takes a lot of courage and I hope you are giving yourself credit for that! It sounds as though you are beginning to unwind your beliefs and understandings about life, relationships, heck about everything. While it is good to be independent and self sufficient, you can take it too far. You need to let yourself accept help as we all need support at times. It is why creating a community is so important; we get to be there for one and other and know that we aren’t alone.
The description of ‘catastrophic imagination’ really does say it all. I wonder if there is a genetic as well as a learned behavior. Hopefully as you learn more about this and continue to unravel it all aspects will become more clear. Just wondering how you are doing with all of this? Are you focusing some much needed energy on self care? Anything we can do to further assist you as you go through this?
Kanya
Hi Abigail. I acknowledge you for being courageous enough to reach out to him! It is clear that the connection seemed really amazing if you still remember it and think about it!
I would caution you about sending another picture at this point. The reality it, you don’t know if he is married, in a long term relationship, etc. You’ve reached out, sent a pic, now let’s see if he responds and tried to pursue. Without that driving interest on his part it is unlikely that things will progress. While you have been thinking about this connection, we can’t really know if he has been thinking about it in the same way. The majority of this has been taking place in your imagination. Let’s give it a chance to see if he wants to create a connection in the present time.
Do you remember why things didn’t move forward when the two of you first met? What prompted you to contact him at this time?
Kanya
Hi Sunita, You are very tuned in to yourself and this situation which is amazing. I never write trust situations which start off with that feeling of being ‘swept off your feet’ because they often are not real and lasting. When we first meet someone, and even for the first few months, we are int he honey moon phase of a relationship. Our brain is literally looking for all the positives about this person and this situation. As a result, we aren’t seeing each other clearly. We are seeing the potential. Eventually, things become more real and we start to see each other more realistically. This can come as a real shock in some ways. The third stage is accepting both parts of that person we fell in love with. It often takes years to get to this place and most people don’t realize that it is an important stage to get through.
As we get to know someone we need to know what is acceptable to us and what is not. All of this takes time but is manageable if we can understand what is happening! I’m curious, was there a reason that you decided not to date for 8 years? I’m also wondering what made you feel ready to open up to the possibility of letting someone in again?
Kanya
Hi Melanie, I am glad you had a chance to check n before your subscription runs out. IT sounds as though he continues to demonstrate a lot of immature coping skills and behavior. He is dealing with this as though he is a young teenage boy who hasn’t yet learned the there doesn’t have to be a victim and a villain or a right and a wrong enthuse situations. Some times things don’t work out for a variety of reasons. A mature person understands this and nows how to be kind and respectful even when saying good bye. I’m sorry that he is not there at this time, and perhaps won’t ever be there if he doesn’t see his behavior as a problem.
I think he did have genuine feels for you but I believe, that over time, you would have seen his true colors even if the relationship would have continued. By that I mean that he probably would have started to become jealous of small things, easily annoyed, and eventually cut off when things didn’t go as planned. I think he would have gotten upset with you over small things and begun to pick at you for spending time with friends and coworkers. When you think about the relationship try to remember all facets of it rather than just imagining what could have been.
Overall you sound really strong and I acknowledge you for that. It is really soon for him to be living with a new girlfriend so it seems he continues to jump in perhaps too soon. Eventually she will disappoint him simply because she is human and then she will become the villain to his victim. I would encourage you to use this situation as a learning experience. What did you earn about yourself, what you want in a relationship and about relationships in general that you will bring into your future connections?
As a way to complete this I suggest you do an exercise that will help you move forward. Take a piece of paper, draw a large circle in the middle. In the circle write down the qualities in him and the relationship that you enjoyed and value. On the outside of the circle wrote down the qualities in him and the relationship that you did not enjoy or that you found unacceptable. Then, take pair of scissors and cut out the circle. Throw out the excess but keep the circle and put it somewhere where you will see it. This will become the map for creating your future relationships!
We wish you the best and hope to see you on the forum again soon!
Kanya
Hi Shay, I don’t know how to do that but I will check with the admin team and get back to you!
Kanya
HI Emilie, I believe it will be an amazing journey. Yes, there will be challenges but so much fun as well! Think of it as an adventure!
It is interesting that your ex messaged you. I suggest you take in the good that is there! You are great! You are precious! You do deserve to be happy! No blablabla about it-you rock!
Kanya
Hi Shay, It sounds to me as though you are really stretched to your limit. Being a single mom is impossible times. Just when we need the most support, those around us can seem to flake. IT can start to feel personal but it really is not. Your dad is going to be insensitive at times because all human beings are. I wonder if you would start to feel better if you started to focus on the good. Like, rather than being upset with your parents for having these moments with your baby what if you refocus on how blessed your kids are to have such a loving support system and, how blessed you are to have the support.
In terms of your son, it does sound like he has a lot going on. It is important to understand that children’s behavior tells you a lot about what they are feeling. They don’t yet have the ability to identify and talk through their fears, sadness, frustrations, etc. UNLESS the adults around them teach them emotional intelligence. There is a great book that will help in this area, it is called “Self Reg” by Stuart Shankar. The theory is that a kids only misbehave when they are feeling stressed. When you teach kids how to manage their stress, the behavior improves. It is also important to know that his behavior is not something to take personally. Ever! He doesn’t know, and can’t yet comprehend, how his behavior affects you. Developmentally he will be very focused on himself through his teen years. That is just the way kids are made. Just like you, he is doing his best and I have no doubt that you are the most important thing in his world, hands down!
There is no doubt that your life as a single mom will be difficult at times – really difficult. The thing is, someday you will look back on this time of your life and actually miss it! I think a lot of us have a difficult time seeing the good when we are in the thick of stressful time. One thing that can help is to start to keep a Gratitude Journal. Every night you write 3 things that you are grateful for in a journal. Over time it becaomes more natural to be grateful through out the day. This can be really powerful as it feels our soul and helps to dispel stress. Are you open to trying this as an attempt to shift the inner dialogue to something more positive?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, This is super exciting. New York is an amazing city. I’m sure yo are going to LOVE it! Sorry you aren’t feeling well but it is kind of nice to have a break sometimes to get some space and catch up on movies and sleep! What part of Manhattan will you be staying in?
Kanya
Hi Shay, You are very articulate in how you express your most frustrating situation. Can you share more about the ways that you show your caring for others and the ways that they do not. I remember that the original relationship you talked about, he was not forgiving of something that you shared. It felt like a joke to you but he really took it to heart and just couldn’t let it go. IS this an example of what you are referring to?
Going back to something you shared in one of your first posts…You shared that while you are strong you sometimes allow others to make you feel weak. I’m curious about this. Sometimes, we give up our power and make sacrifices and have an idea that others will do the same. Then, when they don’t, we start to feel as though someone is taking advantage of us. Is that something that you see yourself doing at times?
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Sunita. That makes sense. The fact that you know you are a strong women (and you are!) yet you were manipulated by him says a lot about what this relationship could be over time. You are not responsible for him mental garage yet I think he believes you are. Even if you were to somehow help him get past this there would just be something else that popped up in the not too distant future that would trigger him all over again. Very smart to step away.
I love that you are being so real with yourself AND I encourage you to also be gentle. Realize that he is probably adept at manipulating others. My guess is, all the things he talked about regarding his ex’s have a special slant to them. He contributed to the negativity in those relationships even if he portrays himself as the victim. Do you feel any sort of relief in stepping away?
Kanya
