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Hi EB, I love that you mention staying on your feminine energy. That is so powerful! Where have you learned about that?
It sounds like you have learned to set the boundary in terms of your expectations or him which is great. No, he has not changed and no, he will not change. The more you can avoid thinking the this is even a possibility the better. SO yes, enjoy this experience while you look to the future. What are you doing to meet and get to know more suitable men?
Kanya
Hi Emily, Your situation sounds familiar. Were you actively writing on the forum about 3-4 weeks ago. Either way, hello and I am glad you are here.
It sounds as though your friendship morphed into something closer to friends with benefits. Is that accurate. Now that he is in a transition and working more he doesn’t have as much to give. While this is disappointing, it makes sense because he wasn’t overly invested to begin with. Not because he doesn’t care for you but because in his mind this wasn’t a serious relationship.
There are many reasons he could be in this space. First, some people are like that. They don’t really invest and open up. You shared that he has opened up slowly over the pas few years. Perhaps this is really as much as he can give on a personality level. Has he been in other relationships in the past that were more significant? Where he gave more of himself and his energy? Has he ever lived with anyone before or been married?
I think that stepping back is important. YOu’ve shared that you want more and have been trying to make this happen for a few years now. In that time have you dated other people and pursued other relationships?
Kanya
Hi Lee, I can understand your frustration. That must be really disappointing to be opening up in this way and to sense him distancing. The thing is, not everyone wants to have this sort of conscious relationship. DO you get the sense that he is more connected to the chaos than you are at this point? While all that you are doing is amazing, he may not be in a place in his own evolution to really get that. Does that make sense?
Perhaps you are feeling lost and separate because the two of you are coming to a place of moving on from each other? Remember, being in relationship isn’t just about finding someone to be with. it is about healing and growing, becoming your best self. Do you feel as though this person and this relationship does that for you? Is he open to this being the purpose of partnership as well?
Kanya
Hi EB, I love how centered and balance you are feeling these days. That tells me you are doing an amazing job of supporting yourself and your little one. I’m curious how she is feeling these days and how you decided to respond to Paul?
Kanya
Hi Lee, WOw, you are learning soooo much about yourself. I know that can be scary but I also hope that it is exciting in some way. I agree, many people think a calm like is boring but it is literally impossible to grow a life, as well as a relationship, without stability. It makes total sense that your behavior would mimic you parents behavior on a lot of level. That is just how humans learn but at some point we all need to begin the amazing process or deciding which behaviors and mind sets we want to continue and which we want to release. It sounds like you are doing a great job starting this process!
I can understand why you would be so self sufficient. If the people around you were having a difficult time managing life, of course you would learn to do things for yourself. Otherwise, their chaos would prevent you from getting or even asking for their support.You clearly did an amazing job as a kid navigating this environment and becoming capable. Please do give yourself loads of credit for that!
I love that you get “Relationship doesn’t only mean to find a partner.” So many people think that is the main goal with our ever learning if the person they are with can actually BE the partner they need. You are doing so great and I am so proud of you. You arefiguring things out, questioning, and learning. The is definitely an important step in regaining and healing your soul.
Please keep us posted as we are here to support you on your journey!
Kanya
Hi Sue, I had another thought. My guess is his ego is bruised here and while he may not be saying it, I wonder if he is feeling inferior to you on some way since you are higher up in the company. Perhaps he is not just angry but also embarrassed at the companies decision?
Kanya
Hi Sue, I am so sorry that your boyfriend is behaving this way. I can understand why you are devastated. Even though he is upset, his reaction and unwillingness to even talk to you about it is concerning. In order to have a mature relationship both parties need to be able to express themselves. If this is difficult, or they need time to process what they are feeling, then the need to let their partner know this. Once they actually calm down and process they need to talk to their partner. Otherwise, we are left confused and frustrated and incredibly hurt.
You shared that you have been dating for 1.5 years. Is it serious in that the two of you have met each others friends and family? Have the two of you had disagreements in the past that resulted in him shutting down and not talking. If so, how did things get resolved? I would also guess that he is upset that his boss is staying on. Was he hoping to move into that job if his boss left or just hoping for a different supervisor?
At this point the only thing you can really do is let him know that it isn’t personal and that you are open to talking if/when he is ready. The thing that concerns me is how immature his reaction is. If he can’t see that this is not only your decision and that ultimately you do need to do what is best for the company, well I guess I question his maturity level overall. When you date someone at work you need to know that each of you need to be able to do your job in a professional and authentic way. If he is stuck on that then my guess is he ill get stuck on a lot of things in the future.
Did he know that this contract had the potential to be extended and was he rallying you to push for termination of this manager? Since he won’t talk to you, can you send him a text saying something like; “Hey, I get that you are really upset by this and I am sorry for that. I’m happy to give you space while you sort through this. Hopefully you will be ready to talk about it at some point. I want you to know I care for you and value this relationship and I hope that you will give us a chance to work this out.” I realize you may have already sent him a message like this but also wanted to share my suggestion. How long ago did this start? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Shelly, It looks like you posted this question twice on the forum. I answered you other post!
Kanya
Hi Shelly, I al s glad that you are on the forum. This is a common though tricky situation. It is clear that he has feelings for you. Sometimes he even starts to behave as though the two of you are in a relationship. It must be really confusing for you at times!
You asked how you can get him to give you a chance. The challenge is, this is something that he seems really habituated to avoid! Has he been hurt in the past? Has he shared a particular reason why he cannot or will not move forward into a relationship. HAs he ever had a significant relationship?
How did the two of you meet, start to date, etc. And, how long were you dating before he decided he wasn’t interested in more? Did anything happen – a disagreement, and argument, etc. that led to him pulling away initially? I know this is a lot of questions and I hope you aren’t overwhlemedlol I just needing to understand him more to know how to support you! Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Abigail, Thank you for sharing more. It does help to fill out the picture more!
I agree that you guys need to see what the attraction is like in person. Are you currently living near each other? Perhaps casually suggesting that you meet for coffee would be a good place to start. I’d hate to see you keep texting, getting excited etc, before the two of you actually meet face to face.
I love that you have the insight to know that when you are stressed you escape into fantasies. That is important for you to recognize. If you have spent a lot of time imagining him and what could be you may be n a really different place than him. Even if the two of you meet and you both are interested remember that he is starting at close to zero where as you are sometimes at 50 and sometimes in the fast lane. In the relationships you had, were you able to bring your fantasies and dreams into reality by opening up and asking for more of what you wanted? You mention that your past relationships have not been fulfilling sexually. That cam=n be a real bummer! And, if can be difficult to find the words and courage to have an open dialogue about it. n edition to the chemistry you felt with him, does he have other personality traits that lead you to believe he would be more open?
You mentioned needing a hero. If he isn’t the guy to help out are there guy friends or family that could give you some support?
Kanya
Hi EB, That is so thoughtful to share this site as a resource to the group! I would share from you heart about your experience here. That really is the best advertisement because it is authentic and personal. When you approach it that way you can’t go wrong!
Kanya
Hi Dana, It does start to feel complicated when you are trying to please everyone. The reality is, no one can please everyone! It just isn’t possible and turning yourself inside out just makes it more complicated and exhausting!
Since you have to leave at 5 am it sounds like the negative friend is out because she has an appointment on Saturday. Once you told her did she opt out? In the end this is a big day for you and you get to decide who is going with you. It isn’t about pleasing anyone else. It is just about pleasing you! I’m guessing this seems a bit crazy, just focusing on what you need, but it is a super important life skill to learn!
As Heidi shared, setting boundaries and asking for what you need will sometimes hurt others. But they are strong enough to handle hurt feelings. And, if they really are your friends they will be willing to work it out! There is a great book that I think would provide a good road map for you in all of this. It’s called “How To e An Adult.” It explores the mature relationship skills we all need to have healthy relationship of all kinds! I think it will help you sort out some of your concerns and the road blocks you feel at times! Are you open to checking it out?
Kanya
Hi Abigail, I can’t know why he said that about his emotions and I would caution you agains over thinking this at this stage. I get the sense that you are many steps ahead of him and that is a concern. The two of you made out one many years ago. It may not mean the same thing to him and it did and does to you. Be careful not to create a sense of intimacy over text without actually meeting up and getting to know each other in a real way. While the chemistry was good, it was just a few hours of time. Neither or you has any idea what it would be like to actually date let alone become romantically and sexually involved. I encourage you to slow down and let yourself be present with where you are. Right now you are texting. That is it. It is not a relationship of any kind.
Were the two of you drinking when you kisses years ago. Do you know for sure that he remembers you and that time? I am not saying that because I think you are forgettable. ON the contrary, I think you are amazing. I just can’t help but wonder if this was something he did on more than one occasion. It is important to know what he remembers and if he thought about it over the years as well.
Kanya
Hi Lee, You mentioned something Universal to people who worry or over think-the idea that worrying somehow prepares us for the worst. In reality, the worst rarely happens. All that time spent worrying is a misuse of the imagination! That is something that you can change over time. When you find yourself stuck in catastrophic thinking take out a piece of paper and fold it in half. On one side write the fears out one at a time. On the other side of the paper challenge the fears with the facts. Let’s say you have a fear that you are afraid someone will leave you if you are angry with them. Some of the facts you list might include; all couples disagree sometimes, it is normal to have things to work out as a couple, I can communicate about things in a calm and respectful way, disagreeing is actually an important step in creating emotional intimacy. You can do this with any fear that comes to mind. Once you list the facts, take a moment. Close your eyes, put your hands on your belly, do some deep breathing. Help that younger part of you calm down enough to start to hear and trust the facts over the fears.
My guess is that it is difficult to stop an argi=ument because you are highly stressed because of the conflict. This is also an important time to do some deep breathing and reassure yourself that everything is going to be okay. You and the person you are talking to will most likely need to take a few breaks as you talk things through so that you can keep bringing yourself back to a calm place. When we are upset and arguing nothing can be accomplished. In that place the focus is explaining to our partner why they re wrong and we are right. Things usually just escalate. The real purpose of a disagreement is to be able to hear other sides and home both sides. One people feel hear they are often more open to compromise and negotiation. There ia a great book that I think would be of value to you at this time. It’s called How To Be An Adult. It talkes about the different ways to interact with someone you love in a respectful, mature manner. It talks about how to work through a disagreement in a way that actually helps rather than hinders a couple. Can you take a look and let me know what you think?
Kanya
