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Hi ROse, This is so great. I really acknowledge you for hanging in there. You were willing to be vulnerable and take responsibility which is huge. Many people would have become defensive and their fear would have caused them to sabotage the situation. You, on the other hand, did something so different. To me this demonstrated a lot of maturity and I hope that you are giving yourself credit for this. You and your guy are working at building a health relationship that will serve you well. Of course conflict is going to arise but how couples manage conflict is what matters. You both are learning new ways to communicate and also learning new ways to keep yourself calm when some part of you is feeling anything but calm! Feeling stressed during conflict is a normal part of life. Learning to stay calm while you are feeling that way is like a Master’s Class in emotions! You are doing it, girl!
Check out the blogs that Heidi sent (love) and let us know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Marily, No need to apologize! You are dealing with a high level of stress during an already stressful time. We are here to listen and venting is allowed! I am so happy to hear that you are feeling more positive. I don’t know about you but having a plan is always very helpful for me. I love that you are getting out there, making new contacts, and starting to see some positive shifts. I hope that you are giving yourself credit for how well you are doing in a very difficult situation! Please keep us posted as we are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Bonnie, Wow, I am so proud of you! You really went for it in the conversation. I get that it wasn’t easy and it brought up so many emotions that you faced and expressed! As I read all of this I kept thinking that it might be really helpful for you to be working with a therapist as you work through the trauma. Yes, getting in touch with the emotions is important but the next steps are equally important. These steps include forgiving yourself and the people who contributed to the trauma. That doesn’t mean that it was okay or that they are off the hook. It just means that you make the decision to let go of the judgments and pain and move forward. Another step in to identify patterns that have been keeping you stuck and creating a clear plan to change and heal those patterns which will take a lot of time and effort. Another aspect is to look at behaviors that may be creating more chaos or imbalance in your life. This is hard for anyone to do on their own.
As I listen to you talk about your relationship with this person I am aware that you are giving all of your love and support to a person who will never give you love back. That is big. He is your best and only friend, the person you are in love with, a stable in your life for 29 years. You will need to step back from this friendship so that you can create a more full life for yourself. Creating deep friendships and connections is vital and could be something that you work on with a therapist. Not only are your eggs in one basket in terms of a relationship, but also in terms of friendships. That is too much to have all of that with one person. Especially a person who gives you mixed messages and who seems to have kept you close to him over the years so that he could feel better about himself. That is concerning and something that will continue. I want you to feel good about yourself, develop self love, and create more love in your life with a variety of people. How does it feel to consider this change?
Kanya
Hi Rose, it sounds like he has really disengaged. I am sorry that he needs this space but at the same time it might be good for him to take this time so that he can actually figure things out. At the same time, you don’t want this ‘break’ to go on indefinitely. When you made this decision at the end of September, did you talk about how long the break would last, if you would talk during the break, if you were both open to seeing others during the break, etc?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Christmas has arrived. I think a lot of people are over spending and over decorating this year. We need some light, we need something that feels familiar and joyful.
It’s it interesting that you changed one line and something shifted? Would you mind sharing the change? I’m curious but also would like to see if/how it related to the principle that we share on this site. The sign you made for you Dad sounds amazing. I’m glad you are back to painting because creative expression is so important to manage stress and express ourselves. Your dad will love it! Keep finding the joy in your life and keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Rose, Welcome to the forum! I love the message that you sent him. You were really clear about your appreciation of him. Has he responded to that message? Do you think he would be open to meeting for coffee so that you can share what you shared with us? It might be helpful for him to see these changes over a period of time.
Kanya
Hi Belle, I think that it is super important for him to figure out what he wants. Without that, he won’t have any direction for this relationship and possibly no direction for other areas of his life. IT is vital that he be the person who moves himself to the Prince stage as his own leadership is part of his becoming a Prince. Otherwise, someone else is in charge of him and that is not a reflection of a Prince. That is why it is important to give him the space to learn and grow. I know that is probably really difficult to do as you then have no say over what happens. That is where you have faith that if this is mean to be it will be and, if this is not meant to be then you will meet someone else who IS ready and does know what he wants. Can you imagine how amazing it will feel to be with someone who knows exactly what he wants and is actively building a relationship with you?
I understand how painful it is to loss someone you really care about. It is very difficult and painful to let go of that person. But I do want to point out that the two of you dated for 6 month which means you were still getting to know each other. I caution you about spending too much time trying to get him on board. I would be open to meeting new people and considering dating again while he is on the fence and figuring things out. How do you feel about that option?
Kanya
Hi Theresa, It is a 180 degree switch. Yes, you overreacted but he did as well. Seems like this might be a pattern to explore at some point when things have settled down. For now what if you give him space for a fe days then send s short and sweet text letting him know it is safe to talk. Something like “Sorry I got so upset. It really was not okay. Would love to reconnect and talk when you are ready. Hope you are doing well.” Then, let him come to you. You are not sick or ill for losing your temper. It seems that you are frustrated that things are where they are and that they do not seem to be moving forward at the speed you would like.
During the time that you got angry with him for sleeping on the couch, was there something else happening or not happening that was upsetting you? Also, can you see that it is better to support him as he makes changes than be the person he has to promise to make changes? That sets up a pattern where he might start to hide things from you to avoid “getting in to trouble.” You could have responded with something like “It is a hard habit to change. You’ll get there, honey.”
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Thank you for the well wishes on Thanksgiving! It was very different but we were blessed with warm weather so we could be outside with family and friends. Many of us commented on things feeling almost normal! i LOVE the idea of a cycling desk! I am about to hop on my Peloton about would love the opportunity to cycle throughout the day but I’m not sure my clients would appreciate me doing so while in session lol
Wow, you do have a lot of restrictions. Some states in the US have more restrictions and some cities have shut down indoor dining for a while. Since our current government is pro business they aren’t closing businesses down but schools are starting to close again. Sigh. You sound as though you are getting through all of this in a positive way which is great. Are you enjoying your new home and neighborhood?
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, I can relate to everything you are saying. While we don’t have as many restrictions as you do where I live (no curfews) people just aren’t going out unless they need to. It is getting cold where I live so even outside time with family and friends is getting limited. I’ve committed to continuing to meet friends for walks on the weekends so that I can have some conversation and connection. I just wear lots of layers and am getting really good at finding ways to stay warm.
I think that most of us feel as though our lives are on hold. It sounds as though you are finding your way through it which is great. While this is a difficult time, I love to see how redolent and adaptable we are. I think that we are all learning new skills and developing new skills and abilities. I do think that we will come out of this stronger than ever!
Given that you may be on your own for Christmas, can you start to think about ways to make that day feel special even if it doesn’t meet the usual definitions of Christmas? Yes, you would need to really stretch outside of your comfort zone but I challenge you to come up with some ideas about how to make that a positive experience.
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, It sounds as though you are super busy these days! I am glad you’re online teaching project is moving forward as this seems vital to get work in place so that you have more living options. And, it sounds as though you would rather wait until social distancing restrictions lift before having more social connections. Is that accurate? Are you feeling like social connection is missing? If so, what can you do when, once you are ready, to meet people in the ways that are currently available?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Yo are asking great questions! I can relate to your being a Highly Sensitive Person as I have a lot of those traits as well. It is tough to give to ourselves expectably when we are sensitive because we are good at tuning in to what others need and naturally want to fill in those gaps. Unlike our kiddos, men are perfectly capable of caring for themselves at a higher level. While we often want to do things for them because we are used to it and because it makes us feel fulfilled, sitting back, or sitting your your hands as you shared, is the new habit to build. When you find yourself wanting to do, learn to ask instead. Then he gets the chance to feel as though he is caring for you which is important. Have you heard of Alison Armstrong? He is a relationship coach and she has created an amazing system that explains men. One area she talks about is the value of a woman learning to be a queen with her king. Part of the way we do this is to allow our guys to step up and care for us. Here is a link to an interview she did where she explains the Queens Code that I think you would enjoy. Take a listen and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I really acknowledge you for how you are facing these challenges. It sounds like you are doing a great job maintaining your sense of self in all of this which is so important. There are definitely some insights that I think can help you right now. The first one is a video and the second on is an article. Can you review them and let me know what you find helpful i each one? Then we can personalize things to your situation!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Happy Thanksgiving! I am not surprised by Robin’s behavior. His skills are very limited and he tends to throw himself in to work to avoid areas that are difficult for him. I know that he did provide some connection and friendship so I am sorry that he has flacked. He will probably reemerge when he thinks the coast is clear emotionally. Then you get to decide what, if anything, you want to give to that connection.
That is so weird re: Christian Mingle. I wonder if the Universe is giving you a signal? Maybe that site is just not for you? It is getting cold on the East Coast though yesterday was super warm which made for a successful outdoors Thanksgiving! Are you able to get outside this weekend and do something fun/interesting?
Kanya
