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Hi Anne, I am glad that you are here! This is a situation that a lot of couples face so I think this will be helpful to a lot of our members.
I think that the best thing you can do now is to be honest with him. Simply think about what it is you want to tell him, maybe practice saying those things, then talk to him. I suggest that you keep it short and simple. Say just what you shared above and then give him the opportunity to process it before he responds. The nest best thing you can do is show him that you are better at listening to him and respecting his needs. If these traits are indeed important to him then seeing the changes will be very powerful! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Lina, This is definitely complicated. One thing that jumps out is that he really wants a large family. He’s been talking about it for many years and my sense is he feels an emptiness inside of himself because he cannot express the parts of himself that want to parent. That does not mean that you should have a child at this point given how in flux everything is. That would further complicate the situation. However, it is important to acknowledge that he is wanting something with you that he doesn’t believe will ever happen. Have you ever been in that type of situation? It can feel terribly lonely and difficult to even articulate. I hope that eventually the two of you will talk about that in therapy as my sense is this is a big reason as to why he is attracted to the other women.
He does need to explore his feelings for her more fully so he can understand himself more fully. It is interesting that he never wanted to talk about anything that could cause conflict. Do you feel you did the same thing as well? Either way, there will be more for the two of you to work out once things start to come to the surface and get explored.
I am so glad that you have such a solid group of friends. There is so much research about how helpful these relationships are to women emotionally, mentally, and physically! I hope your therapy session went well! Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Misty, I totally get that the doing is the hardest part. I think it is that way for most people when they are trying to work through some anxiety or vulnerability in a relationship. Have you thought of some things you can do when you start to want to seek out reassurance from him? I suggest that you take that time to focus on you-feeling good about you, acknowledging you, enjoying time with you! Think about what you are hoping to hear from him and find that wise inner voice and share those thoughts and ideas with yourself. Give yourself the reassurance you need. I know that it is hard but over time you will feel so much confidence and security. Not because you are convinced that he cares for you but because you are convinced that regardless of what he does or doesn’t do, you will remain steady and confident!
Kanya
Hi Amber, You go girl! I love that you were so clear about being second choice. Had you stayed in this you would have lost yourself even more which mo one should do for any relationship-no matter what!
I acknowledge that your intuition was so strong in this. What can you do for yourself in terms of self care to help you along in this process?
Kanya
Hi Ayisat, I am so sorry that you are facing this. I am glad you are here to get support! First of all, I acknowledge you for trusting your gut on this one. I’m not sure who told you but it seemed to be the answer your gut was already telling you. What does the fact that he won’t tell you either way tell you about the situation? It seems to me that his refusal to answer is an answer. Does it feel that way to you? And, have there been other times in the relationship where if felt as though he was cheating on you?
I agree that it would not be possible to move forward pretending this never happened. My guess is he would not be able to do that if you were the one who had cheated. If someone was able to ‘pretend’ that would be a huge red flag for me. What do you think about taking some time to think things through and to have some time away from him emotionally? He may not like it but I think you may actually like it and that seems more important. After taking a week or so off, let him know what you actually need to be comfortable moving forward. Obviously, pretending is not an option. Do you need him to tell you the truth? Are there questions that you have? Are there other things that you would like both of you to be more transparent about? And, what led him to do this. Was he lonely, bored, longing for something that he isn’t asking for in your relationship?
I imagine that there is a part of you that wants to push forward and resolve this quickly because the reality is this is really painful. However, if you do that then the thing that led to this will not get resolved and my guess is you won’t be able to trust him. Does that make sense? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Ashley, I too think the two of you are on different pages. One the one hand the connection is so positive and real and feels like a place of home to you. On the other hand, he has moved on to a new phase of his life and it sounds as though he is wanting his freedom to experience different things. It is important to understand that there really isn’t anything to ‘fix’ here. You both are in different places. When we are in different places, even the most amazing relationship won’t work.
I’m also aware that the two of you are on the young side. Perhaps he just isn’t ready to settle down in a forever relationship. Many men want to build the foundation of their career before they settle down. Others commit to someone and build their foundations together. Are you familiar with Alison Armstrong? She is a very insightful teacher and mentor who has deep understanding of men and the stages of maturity that they go through in life. I highly recommend you take a look at her book/audio “The Amazing Development of Men.” I think it would help you understand where your ex is in terms of male maturity which might make it easier to accept.
I think your feelings do matter but not in the way they did when the two o you were together. Have you had serious relationships in the past? When they ended, how did you break the connection and move forward?
Kanya
Hi, I’m sorry this is happening. I know that it is unbelievably difficult! I understand why you are angry and also agree that you will need to let your guard down and show him more than that if the two of you are going to rebuild. Do you have a therapy appointment booked? That meeds to be the first thing the two of you do. You both need help understanding your feelings as well as how the two of you got to this place.
I do not thing that cheating on you was the correct thing to do but he has given you a few clues as to what he is needing more of. He wants to feel more masculine, more needed, more heroic. You can maintain your independence and still make him feel heroic. When you are ready to do that we can talk about different ways to ignite his hero instinct.
Have the two of you considered focusing on rebuilding a friendship first. While staying married and being in therapy you can try to treat each other as you would a dear friend. Sometimes it is easier to do that rather than trying to navigate your complicated feelings about the situation. Focusing on acknowledging small things, enjoying small moments together as a family, etc. I would also put some limitations on communicating about the relationship. I suggest you stop texting about it. Just agree that texting is not the correct forum for that. Any conversations about the relationship need to happen in person when both of you are calm. And, I would limit the amount of time you spend talking about it.Otherwise, couples sometimes spend more time talking about the relationship than actually experiencing the relationship. Does that make sense?
What is your support system like at this point for both of you? Do you have people who are encouraging you both in this situation? Any parents or siblings who are reminding you that when if this is difficult you guys can get back on track? There is a book that I think you would find helpful. It is called “Healing From Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide To Rebuilding Your Marriage After An Affair.” I suggest you start to read it and work on this. YEs, there is a chance that he will still leave but the reality is there are no guarantees where relationships are concerned. I do think it is important for you to do your healing no matter wait!
Right now I think he may be confusing loss with love. Yes, he feels a loss regarding her and I think he then decides this is love and he must be with her. If a counselor can help him understand this more fully i think that could open the path to him being more available and committed. It will take time but if you are going to commit to counseling I think that will help! Who in your life is supporting you at this time in addition to us?
Kanya
Hi Misty, You are so right! You do need to focus on you, take care of you, love you first then things do fall in to place.
I wonder if the reason you keep wanting to talk about things is because in the past there was a lot of ambiguity about where things were going between the two of you? You really did not have a lot of say and he wasn’t open about where he was at with everything. As a result, you must have wondered all the time, looked for small clues and signs, basically driven yourself crazy trying to understand the situation. Now that things have shifted, you can start to relax. Are you someone who is comfortable living in the moment. It is a phrase that we hear often but not always easy to do!
Kanya
Hi Misty, It sounds as though the two of you are doing a great job building step by step. Thanls for sharing more about you as well as that is helpful! I noticed in a few played that you talked about being with this person for life. The thing is, you haven’t been with this person for very long. And, he has only been open to more for a short period of time. I think that saying this is forever is premature. And I can guarantee if you start to say that to him he will freak out. Going slowly means being in the moment where the two of you are without rushing ahead. I suggest you slow down a bit and give you both at least 6 months to get to know each other in a new way. There is still so much to learn.
You bring up a good point. Of course you want t talk about things with him yet the best way to know what this is, is to actually live it. That will tell you more than a conversation about what this is. Does that make sense? I wonder if these conversations are helping you manage some normal anxiety abut where things are going? While that is normal in all situations, and even more so here given the history, it is important for you to manage that. Yes you need reassurance from him but it sounds like the amount of time talking about the relationship has maxed out for him. How frequently are you asking him to talk about it?
Kanya
Hi Ashley, That is the worst kind of break up. It can leave you reading for a long time. What is your self care like these days? Do you have a good groups of friends and family to support you through this?
I was thinking about your situation and I found myself wondering something.He shared that he doesn’t think he can juggle everything through this transition into adulthood. Once he moved away, did the relationship change in a way that suited him? The reason I as is because you shared that sometimes he doesn’t respond to your texts for a few hours. Things change a lot once you graduate from college. He is working and won’t be as available. How did the two of you talk about and navigate that chance? When you spent time together, did he come to you or did you go to him? Were you integrating more into his new life? Did he ever talk about things being different and feeling like what you wanted or needed was no longer realistic?
Kanya
Hi EB, you really re demonstrating some amazing insight! Yes, there are several beliefs at play that might be keeping you from being open to a more committed relationship. The biggest one seems to be about getting lost in a relationship and giving up important aspects of yourself. I think this is a fear, and a reality, for many of us. In my experience woman are more likely to give up things they love and value to accommodate a relationship. The great thing is, as we get older, we are less interested in doing that. I think a reframe is in order. You can have a relationship were you have the deep connection with a man and you still have the time and space to focus and express your creativity. You are a powerful manifesto and you can manifest the new relationship paradigm as well!
Your little one has shared that she wants to be validated, safe, and healthy. Can you create a vision board for giving these experiences to her? What changes would you make? What actions would help her feel this way?
Kanya
Hi Ashley, I totally understand where you are coming from. You didn’t ever want this break up sos of course you don’t want to end things completely. Big transitions in life usually take place over the course of many small steps. My sense is you are taking those small steps and will continue to do so.
I did want to share one thing that came to mind in the man time. If he gets jealous again, approach it from a very logical way with him. Have the attitude of “Yeah, it’s really hard to know what is and is not okay at this point. All of this is new and I guess it makes sense that sometimes we will feel jealous. I think the tis just something that comes with this new territory we are in.” In this way you are acknowledging the natural consequences of his decision without trying to reassure him or fix it for him. Perhaps that is a step you are ready for?
Kanya
Hi Misty, was, this is fantastic! I really acknowledge you . You were not willing to settle, were honest with him about it, and he has stepped up to the plate. I get that he is ‘over the whole thing’ where relationships are concerned but in a way you two are creating a different paradigm of relationship. Maybe you even playfully suggest that you both come up with your own name for your ‘relationship.’ You are going to hit bumps along the way but being open about them, as well as being patient will go a long way!
Going slow and being cautious but optimistic is a great mindset. You really are inspiring others in similar situations. Please doo keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Ashley, What a difficult situation. I am so sorry and can understand why this is painful and confusing! First, it is vital that you listen to what he is saying and understand where he is coming from. Now that you are in the friend zone, when he says “I love you’ what does that mean for him? Is he saying he is in love with you or that he loves you like a friend? This is super important for you to know. If he has stopped dating and wants to be f friends then my guess is he is saying it in a friend way even though you are interpreting is as more.
That being said, you need to pay attention to what he is saying and begin to shift your feelings for him. I totally get that this is the last thing you want to do. The thing is, holding on so that it will work out in the future is probably not the best way to handle it. As Heidi shared, he just is not in a place to know what he wants long term. Instead, what it you actually take a leap of faith, trusting that it will work out in the end if it is meant too. What would you be doing differently at this point? What would your focus be?
Kanya
