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Hi Rebecca, I am so glad that you are on the forum. It sounds like you are dealing with a confusing and complicated situation. I want to acknoledge you for not taking this to a friends with benefits situation as that is not the way to go! All of his insecurities seem to come from the conversation you had about questioning the relationship and returning to therapy. Let’s see if we can break this down.
First, I don’t think that his feelings are gone. I think that his walls are up and he is not willing to connect to his feelings. Given that he said he loved you quickly and things moved quickly, my guess is he is uncomfortable with the reality that relationship are not always perfect and that people aren’t always perfect. What are his feelings about therapy? Does he see it as a positive step in taking care of one self and improving your life? Does he see that he is not fulfilling your needs as a partner. Feelings about therapy can be influenced by many thing including culture, personal experience, religion, etc. I’d be curious to know what he feelings are about therapy.
I’m also wondering if your tendency to say things like “maybe we’d be batter as friends” when your anxiety is triggered made him fearful. Does he think that you weren’t as committed to him in the relationship? Did he fear that you were going to leave and that is why he left first? You shared something interesting in your message above. You said that he related you returning to therapy as a sign that you would never trust him. Can you tell me more about this as it seems to be important? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Alila, Wow, I am so proud of you! Something clearly shifted in you for this to have such a huge effect on him. He clearly was able to open up and be vulnerable with you which is wonderful. I am glad that he saw it was time to truly close the other door. Relationships cannot grow when one or both partners are split. This is because we naturally start to refocus our energy in one direction when things become difficult or scary in the other area. Switching and sending energy in another direction gives us a temporary sense of relief. Yet, in the long term, it actually depletes us and the relationship. While things are not perfect, you can start to focus on rebuilding together. There is so much possibility at this point. We are happy for you and your family!
If you would like support and insight as you continue this journey of healing please let us know. We are happy to support and encourage you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I am so sorry. This must be really upsetting and confusing! Let’s take this step at a time. Has he shared with you the reasons why he wants to end the relationship? Did the two of you have a fall out or is it more of an ongoing issue that you are dealing with. Please share more pertinent info about the relationship so we now how to guide you best. Also, how old are you both?
Since he is coming to the house to see your daughter everyday, you have an opportunity each day to show him that things can be different. It’s not about convincing him. It’s about showing him! Refrain from talking about the relationship for the next few days while you give us some additional information! Looking forward to hearing back form you.
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Sounds like you are in such a clear space. Well done! Keep up the good work. Can’t wait to hear about your trip to NY!!!
Kanya
Hi Jimmie, It sounds as though he is moving on. While he didn’t use the words that would have made things more clear like “I am breaking up with you,” his behavior is clear. I know it is difficult to accept that but it is important that you see him for who he is.
Since you are clear that you no longer want a long distance relationship, what do you think about the possibility of meeting someone where you currently are? What actions have you taken to make that happen?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I have to say, I am a bit jealous! I know you aren’t having fun resting this much but these days I am longing for some quiet time on my own with lots of sleeping lol
What I really like in what I am hearing is that you are spending time with yourself and feeling more connected to you. I wonder if this is the time to read something that will possibly have a big impact on you. Have I ever suggested you read “Calling in The One?” Is really is an amazing program that helps you understand why you have chosen the men you have chosen to date and how to really calling’s the type of man you want and deserve! Check it out and let me know what you think. It might be the perfect time as you have some down time to explore old patterns and set intentions for the future.
Kanya
Hi Ayisat, I am so sorry. It sounds as though he is really out of touch with how this is affecting you. And, it sounds like he is out of touch with what it means to be in a committed relationship. I can imagine how confusing and sad all of this is. I am glad that you have decided to let this go. Given what he shared, his intention seems to be to continue to date both of you regardless of how it affects you or makes you feel?
It sounds as though the two of you have been together since you were 18. I agree that you have plenty of time to figure your life out. Yes, you love him but he is being really clear that he is going to keep doing what he wants to be. Do not fall into the trap of thinking “well, I love him so I can stay in this and eventually it will work out.” He is telling you who he is and you need to believe him! He has been disrespectful and he is not able to be empathetic to you in a way that is somewhat shocking. I’m not sure where he learned about relationships but his view of doing what even he wants regardless of how it affects you is really damaging and irresponsible.
I am glad that you are going to focus on finishing your program and other areas of your life. When you take a step back and recenter you may be surprised at where you life leads you! Who is supporting you in your life these days?
Kanya
Hi Angela, I am sorry that this is happening. It must be so confusing. I like the idea of giving him some space for now. In the mean time, let’s focus on you a bit.
It sounds as though you have been helping him financially for at least 3 years. That is a long time to be helping someone. when you go and visit him 3x per year, was that every year? When you went to see him, what did the two of you do together? How did you spend your time? Did you meet any of his friends?
One thing that concerns me is that you did something that hurt his feelings a few years ago and he hasn’t forgiven you. It is difficult to be with someone who cannot forgive. Expecially when there wasn’t anything for that person to forgive. Can you are more about how old you are and why you are in this relationship rather than being with someone that lives where you do? Finally, how did the two of you meet?
Kanya
Hi Jimmie, I’m sorry it is so difficult and that he is choosing to handle things this way.
My guess is he is confused and overwhelmed with life these days. Saying he will talk to you again most likely means that he will stay in touch. I would see if he is more available in the next few weeks and is able to open up more. I think having the type of conversations Heidi suggest would be good but I think if you try to have it at this time he will most likely shut down. It sounds as though he was more open in your last conversation which may be signaling that he is opening up again. When he is more open, let him know what your boundaries are and what you are looking for. There is a good chance that the two of you want different things at this point. While that would be difficult to hear, ultimately you don’t want to waste your time waiting for someone who can’t meet you half way.
Have you stopped to think about what you want? DO you really want a long distance relationship? If so, hoe when would you life to be lignin in the same city a that person building a life, meeting the different commitment stages. You don’t mention your age but do you have an idea when you would like to be married, etc. These are important questions to ask yourself as they will set a course for you. Then, you get to determine if someone fits in to your dreams versus you fitting in to theirs. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Jimmie, I am so sorry that this is happening. It sounds like you got a lot of comfort from the connection that is missing now. I know that can feel very lonely and isolating and definitely confusing.
So the two of you were doing long distance but it sounds like you weren’t able to spend a lot of time together. And, it sounds like while you knew some things about each others lives there were still a lot of things that you weren’t aware of. I get the sense that his father’s death was really difficult for him and continues to be difficult for him and his family. Given his behavior, it seems that while he is still interested in what you are doing with your life, he may not be interested in a romantic relationship anymore. For many people, the situation you describe would be difficult. They want a relationship where there is someone they can spend time with and build their lives together. Is this something that you ever missed? Just curious if you have had other relationships with men that lived where you lived that you saw throughout the week?
For now I suggest you give him his space and let him open up to you as he seems to be doing. While he hasn’t said “break up” it does seem as though he has ended that aspect of your connection. Did the two of you have plans for the future? Clear ideas about when you would be living in the same city and building your lives together?
Kanya
Hi Dayana, I am so sorry that the two of you are having such difficulty. Can you tell me how long the wo of you have been together? During the course of the relationship is this level of fighting and arguing normal for the two of you? What do the two of you argue about and who you argue, does it become personal? Have you ever gotten professional support to learn how to deal with conflict more effectively?
I know it is a lot of questions but I am hoping to get a clearer picture of the issues so that I can better support you!
Kanya
Hi Avril, I agree that it will be difficult to talk things through if he is going to avoid you. My guess is that this is his intention – to avoid you and to avoid dealing with this situation. The reality is, it has only been 7 months that the 2 of you have been together. You know that he did reach out to her drunk when the two of you were together for about 3 months. And it sounds as though the lack of boundaries with her has led to a lot of inappropriate behavior and interactions. The fact that she has your number and continues to text you tells me how dysfunctional this situation has become.
You can take a step back, given ehim some space, and try again. If he continues to avoid you it seems like he is telling you, in a highly passive manner, that he is choosing to be manipulated by her at the cost of his relationship with you. While this is incredibly painful and upsetting is this really the type of situation that you want to be involved in. You mention that you have children. I fear that if you stay involved with this man his ex’s behavior could escalate. I would hate to have your kids be hurt or scared in any way by this ex. She really is not stable and you need to protect yourself and your family!
In the past 7 months, how have you and him dealt with disagreements? Is he someone who was able to face those situations and conversations head on or is he someone who tends to avoid them?
Kanya
Hi Ayisat, I am so sorry that he is responding to you in this way. Yes, he probably feels very bad about this but is responding in a way that is certainly pushing you away and minimizing what he did. My guess she misdoing this to gain more time before he actually talks about it and in the hopes that you will be scared of the space and let it go. His not telling you is a clear sig that there is something to hide here.
Let me ask you this; how have the two of you talked about things in the past? Has he been open and available for those conversations? I guess I’m asking because I’m trying to get a sense of whether he is reacting normally or if he is avoiding the situation.
You mention above that you are ready to forgive him. Can you share with me how you got to this place? I guess I’m wondering because he hasn’t shared with you what actually happened and what his intention is for the future. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Anne, I know it is difficult and that you are blaming yourself. The reality is, you went though something traumatic. When that occurs, people often go through a period of depression or intense anxiety. Our brain is overwhelmed with the event. It takes time to process that experience on all levels; emotional, mental, and physical. A lot had to heal and yes it took time. It sounds like he doesn’t really understand that what you went through is normal and expected and I am sorry that he does not get that!
So can you afford to move back home at this point or borrow the money if that is possible? That might make the most sense as you would be with your family and friends and have a solid support system! Can you share how long the two of you have been together?
Kanya
Hi Anne, Wow, you did take a chance but how when you moved it seemed like the risk of the relationship ending was small. I’m sorry he is unable to see how difficult this is for you compared to his situation. I hear your self judgment and like Heidi, I encourage you to be more gentle on yourself. Anyone who is in a happy, long term relationship will attest to the reality that sometimes your partner goes through a difficult time! Sometimes they are depressed or our or work or dealing with a serious illness. He should have know that this was a risk of being in a relationship. TO me it points out his immaturity and inability to really be there for his partner. While I am sorry that this is the case, I am glad that you found out now before you invested more time and energy into the relationship.
Yes, moving is expensive, there is no doubt. What if you did stay here for 6 months and make the goal saving up so that you could move back. Is that something you think you could maage at this point? Can you afford the rent on your own or will you need to move or get a roommate as well?
Kanya
