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Hi Uma, I’m not clear on what you would like at this stage. Are you ready to move on or would you like a chance to try to rebuild with him. Perhaps you are still figuring that out as well? Once you are clear we are certainly here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Uma, thank you for the additional information as it is really helpful. I note, in what both you and he argue about, that you both are having a difficult time letting the other person be themselves. Him going out with his friends is important to a guy his age. It is a scary and stressful time and he needs to be with male peers to help him manage his stress. If he feels pressure not to do what makes him feel better than he may feel like he has even less control in his life.
And, telling you that you can’t send time with your friends isn’t working either. Do you think it is possible that the two of you could be together and still give each other room to be individuals? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on all of this!
Kanya
Hi, I can totally understand your desires in this. Letting him know that you are aware of what he said and that you don’t really respect him as a result seems important. I will say that you cannot make him feel empathy for you. Realistically, you cannot make him feel anything. That goes for others as well.
I might say something like “I know what you’ve been saying about me, the lies you have been sharing. I really believed in you and thought you were something special. I guess I was wrong.” While you naturally have the desire to educate him about his behavior in some way I think that sharing more might be difficult and might give him the sense that you do still care for him. I would avoid letting him explain anything as he will most likely share more lies.
Whatever you choose to say or not say, I hope that you realize what a strong, secure, and amazing woman you are! I am proud of you and excited that you are moving on into a world of potential! You go this!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I think your light approach makes sense right now. Unfortunately, we can’t say if he is feeling done or if he is in his cave figuring things out. Either way, this is time for you to sit back and determine what type of connection and relationship you want. When I hear someone falling head over heals in love quickly, and saying they know what they feel and therefore can see the future I always have a concern. You can’t make decisions based on feelings alone – not even about love! Feelings are transient and change from day to day. You make decisions on the bigger picture about who someone is and what the relationship is like. And,that has to include an acceptance that things won’t always be easy. Actually, in order to thrive and grow things actually need to be difficult at times. Couples need to learn how to resolve conflict and the only way to do that is to actually disagree or experience important differences of opinions.
Everyone is going to go through stages of doubt, everyone has things then need to learn, everyone. That needs to be ab accepted part of a relationship. When it is not, well people say they don’t ‘feel’ the same way anymore and they will often leave the relationship rather than learning how to process their own complex emotions. The reality is, we can love someone and not like them very much sometimes. We can be in love and also feel distant. We can be married to someone, know we want to stay, but still day dream about leaving. Love and relationships are complicated, messy things at times.
How are you doing with this? How are you taking care of yourself these days? How are you distracting yourself?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I am soooo sorry that he is treating you like this. Know that this is not personal in that I am sure you are not the only women he has treated this way. I know you are focused on the pics changing him but I think the bigger factor was you wanting more and him now being able to give more. Don’t put all the responsibility on yourself here. This is not a good person, not a good man. This is a really selfish person who takes advantage of women and clearly doesn’t respect them.
If you confront him he most likely will deny it or turn it back on you and your friend. He hasn’t shown the ability to take responsibility for his actions and I don’t think this will change now. At the same time, I totally get that you need to say something to this person. Are you going to be working with several people or just him? Do you imagine that you would be able to speak to him privately? If you are comfortable, think about what you would like to say. I would avoid too many words and specifics. I’m thinking a more consolidated approach would be better. What is most important for you to communicate? Let’s see if we can put something together for you.
Kanya
Hi Irena, I am so glad that you are here. The two of you have been on a really journey together these past 4 years. Some aspects sound amazing and some sound exhausting! It makes sense that you are confused about all of this. Let’s see if we can figure some things out. How long have you been apart and are you in the process of a divorce or just separated?
You mention that things often felt ‘perfect’ with him. Did you notice that things would change significantly when you didn’t dow act you wanted. For example, after you took the job in the same city your ex was living in and your husband fell apart for awhile, did he ever explain what happened, show remorse, or take responsibility? When the two of you fought after your daughter was born, what were the fights about? When you do fight, what style do you both use; stonewalling, silence, yelling, being critical? No one fights fair all the time but sometimes we need to find more respectful ways to argue and disagree. If a couple has a negative style, they can become emotionally fatigued and may not want to try to work out their differences.
Based where the two of you are, it seems like it would be helpful for you to think about your boundaries. Right now he is so close emotionally but unwilling to be together. That must be sooooo difficult for you. Have you thought about how much contact is right for you? Do you want to talk daily or every few days. Of course you need to communicate about your daughter but you don’t need to know about the personal details of each others lives. I know it might feel weird to think about doing so but it is important that you set some boundaries that make this a workable situation for YOU! Many of us spend a lot of our energy trying to make others happy but it is imperative that you start to think about what will make you happy in all of this! And, seems like it is time to change your log-ins for facebook and other sites. It is not acceptable that he thinks he can access these accounts.
Just out of curiosity, do find that his emotions are intense and easy changed? Does he have a lot of concern about money, power, and how others see him? Does he act as though he should be treated better than he treats others and lack empathy? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Irena, I am so glad that you are here. The two of you have been on a really journey together these past 4 years. Some aspects sound amazing and some sound exhausting! It makes sense that you are confused about all of this. Let’s see if we can figure some things out. How long have you been apart and are you in the process of a divorce or just separated?
You mention that things often felt ‘perfect’ with him. Did you notice that things would change significantly when you didn’t dow act you wanted. For example, after you took the job in the same city your ex was living in and your husband fell apart for awhile, did he ever explain what happened, show remorse, or take responsibility? When the two of you fought after your daughter was born, what were the fights about? When you do fight, what style do you both use; stonewalling, silence, yelling, being critical? No one fights fair all the time but sometimes we need to find more respectful ways to argue and disagree. If a couple has a negative style, they can become emotionally fatigued and may not want to try to work out their differences.
Based where the two of you are, it seems like it would be helpful for you to think about your boundaries. Right now he is so close emotionally but unwilling to be together. That must be sooooo difficult for you. Have you thought about how much contact is right for you? Do you want to talk daily or every few days. Of course you need to communicate about your daughter but you don’t need to know about the personal details of each others lives. I know it might feel weird to think about doing so but it is important that you set some boundaries that make this a workable situation for YOU! Many of us spend a lot of our energy trying to make others happy but it is imperative that you start to think about what will make you happy in all of this! And, seems like it is time to change your log-ins for facebook and other sites. It is not acceptable that he thinks he can access these accounts.
Just out of curiosity, do find that his emotions are intense and easy changed? Does he have a lot of concern about money, power, and how others see him? Does he act as though he should be treated better than he treats others and lack empathy? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Uma, I am so sorry. I can understand why you are upset and confused. I am so glad that you are on the forum!
I have a few questions for you. Ideally, how often to you want to see him and how often does he want to see you? Are there other things that upset or frustrate him that he has talked about? In the past 1 1/2 years how frequently did you see each other? You mentioned that the two of you were arguing a lot. What were those arguments about and can you imagine a way of talking about things without arguing?
Definetly give him some space and make sure you are taking good care of yourself while we figure some things out. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Welcome to the forum! I’m glad you have found someone you feel a great connection with. I think you are on the mark with this being a matter of immaturity. At his age he hasn’t had a lot of relationship experience and he seems to be responding to conflict in a very adolescent manner. On the plus side, he does apologize so he is aware that what he is doing isn’t okay. He just needs to learn some alternative ways of dealing with his feelings. And, I think he may need to work on some of his expectations for how others behave.
There is a great book that I recommend a lot called “How To Be An Adult in Relationship.” While I don’t love the title I do love the message! It breaks down the things that are most important to building a healthy relationship including communication! I would suggest you get it and tell him a friend has been reading it and it sounds really interesting. Then, read through some of it together. The goal is to not make him feel like he is the sole problem. When anyone feels that way they often get defensive and shut down. You don’t want him to feel shame for his lack of maturity. When you read about communication and stone walling use that as an opportunity to open up a conversation. Ask him what his parents relationship was like in terms of conflict and share about what you learned from your parents about conflict.
Most couples need to work on their communication skills. The most important thing is that he is open to learning and growing. If you keep attempting to change this and he doesn’t respond or is not open to changing this behavior then you need to ask yourself if this is something that you want to continue to experience. For now, try to educate both of you in getting better at communicating. Have the two of you actually talked about this in a productive way in the past?
Kanya
Hi Kyla, This totally sucks! I am sorry that he is choosing to play such a passive role in all of this. The reality is, we can love someone and treat them badly at the same time. Love is a feeling we have and how we treat people we love differs from person to person and situation to situation. I think he does care for you but it sounds as though he is no where near being done with his marriage. While he blames the behavior on his ex, my sense is she is picking up on some sign from him that he is still unclear, wishy washy as you so aptly describe.
I understand the tendency to want to protect ourselves by assuming that ‘men are all the same’ but it is important to let your rational, logical mind lead you in this area. All men aren’t the same. Just like all women aren’t the same. What were the red flags that you ignored in this situation? Were their times that in hindsight you could have let go and moved on but chose to stay. These types of inquisitive thinking are helpful in the sense that they help guide future behavior and choices. Of course, we want to do this exercise in a non-judgmental way. This is learning exercise, not a beat myself up exercise.
I’d also recommend this TED Talk that Heidi recently shared on the site. I think you would find it helpful!
Kanya
Here you go, Michelle. Enjoy!
https://www.popsugar.com/love/Things-Women-Should-Never-Do-Man-41956067
That is awesome! Smiling at someone can feel like such a small thing but can have a BIG impact! Thanks for sharing!
Kanya
Hi Morag, I am glad that you are here! You are describing something that a lot of women deal with. We can start off in a “I don’t want a relationship” state of mind and over time shift to wanting something more. I’ll be honest with you; I don’t think he is in a place of wanting more. Based on what he has said as well as his behavior, he seems very content with things the want they are. You spend time together when it is convenient but have no obligation to stay in touch, support each other emotionally, build anything substantial.
You mention that to him, staying in touch when he is aware may feel like pressure. To me this means that staying in touch is not something he is driven or moved to do. So, if it would just be for you then yes, he may feel pressure because it feels too much like a relationship which he doesn’t seem to want. While I don’t think it is just sex, I don’t think he is in the market for a relationship. Have the two of you had any conversations about this lately? Has he opened up about his past, the times he has been heart broken, his fears, etc. Also, while you have been seeing him casually have you allowed yourself to be open to meeting anyone new who would be interested in building a relationship with you?
Kanya
Hi Kyla, I can really understand why you were confused and insecure about things. I agree with Heidi; this is very confusing!
TO clarify, he is still in his home country, still spending time with his ex, whom he seems to still have an emotionally intimate relationship with. Are there clear plans for coming back and if so when?
In the mean time, is he the person who will communicate openly and clearly with you? Is he the person who knows what he wants and will make what he wants happen?
Kanya
Hi Kyla, I am glad that you are on the forum. I am sorry that you both are going through this! It sounds confusing and perhaps a bit daunting to try to figure this one out.
I have a few questions for you to help us understand the situation more fully. How long were you in the relationship before you cheated? What led you to this? Was there things that you needed more of in the relationship that could have changed?
While I think it is great that you stopped drinking after this occurred as drinking can lead to bad decision making. I am curious as to why you stopped taking your antidepressants? Are you working with your doctor to find other ways to manage your symptoms of depression?
Kanya
