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Hi Sarah, I’m so sorry that things are feeling really off with this guy. And, I am glad that you are here getting support. I have a few questions; is it usual for him to be feeling down and lacking motivation? How long were the two of you dating before he started to pull back? Is it kind of his personality to not be proactive in life? Does he do any mind altering drugs that may contribute to his lack of energy or motivation? It sounds as though he was trying to be supportive of you and your job loss in his way. Was the something in particular that you were wanting from him?
I note that you are a very positive and upbeat person. Do you ever feel as though you are lifting this person up, being his cheer leader, etc? Right now that seems to be the role that the two of you are playing. You are working hard to be upbeat and positive, checking in with him, cheering him on, etc. He seems to be taking that from you but his personality isn’t upbeat and cheerful so right now that energy seems to be going in one direction. Im just not sure he has that type of behavior and support in his personality. What are his interactions with others like? When the two of you were first dating was he markedly different?
Kanya
Hi Samantha, I can understand your frustration AND you need to stay calm here. I think he does still like you but he may be concerned about how you are reacting to him. It is important, as Heidi shared, to not jump to conclusions. If he disappears for a few days you can ask if everything is okay on a respectful manner. And, we all need to wait thing out sometimes.
I also want to reinforce the idea that serious emotions and subjects should not be explored via text. It’s just too easy to say things that you would not say in person and even easier to misunderstand each other. When you say that you fear you made it worse when he messaged you last night what do you mean?
Kanya
Hi Uma, I love that you want to learn to connect more with yourself. This happens when you take tome to slow down, breath, put your hand on your heart and imagine your younger self. Tell that part of you how much you love her and that you are never going to leave her. Remind her of how special she is and how lovable she is. Ask her what she needs, how she feels loved, and then give that to her.
I also recommend you get the book “The Self Love Workbook” by Shainna Ali. It is a great way to introduce yourself to this concept of self love and will also give you some useful tools that you can use on a daily basis. In terms of apps, here are some that I like : Calm, wombat, and Head Space. Take a look at these and see which one speaks to you then give it a shot!
I think that sending that text is a good idea. I would suggest that you take out the line that says ‘you don’t need to respond to this.’ Even though you can’t expect a response, I would refrain from giving him permission to ignore the text. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Jeannie, We’re so glad that you are here on the forum! You are asking a question that a lot of people have – what is a normal beginning of a normal relationship. While normal is a relative term, there are certain things that research shows lead to a more connected and long pastime relationship. The first one is; delaying sex until you’ve each gotten to know each other and former some sort of emotional bond. Even though we can sometimes feel quickly bonded to another person, the reality is that it takes time. Several weeks or even months, for this too occurs. As you shared, when we become involved sexually it is really difficult to discern if this is a good relationship for us or not.
This time can feel awkward and uncomfortable. That is normal. Being uncomfortable in front of someone else is one way that we become closer to them. It is a way to be vulnerable and shared vulnerability builds intimacy. If you are used to being intimate within minutes then there are some things you need to do to help you avoid doing that in this situation. First, meet in public places for the first few weeks; meet for coffee, talk walks and hikes, go to dinner, etc. Avoid meeting at your place or his as this makes it more difficult to avoid being sexual too soon. If he is forward in that way let him know your intention to wait and set appropriate boundaries. You can do that in clear but gentle ways. The more clear you are inside of yourself about what you will and will not do the easier it is to stay on track.
I’d also recommend a great book called “A Fine Relationship” by Judith Sills. She talked about the various stages of a relationship, why they are important, and what happens when stages are skipped. I think you will find it very helpful as you take this next step. I really acknowledge you for your honesty and your willingness to find a different path. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi PS,
Of course you want more. When the two of you started out, things seemed so easy and the connection was strong. I do wonder if part of the attraction for him was the fun or something new with zero expectations of responsibilities. It sounds like once he ended things with his ex that he started to withdrawal. n other words, once the things that were getting in the way for the two of you went away, he became uncomfortable. Was he active in making plans for the future prior to that?
Thanks for sharing more about the situation. It is really helpful. You mention that he is a bit younger. How old is he? I get that you aren’t wanting him to support your children but being involved with someone who has kids is a different experience than when no children are present. It will affect the relationship in so many ways and it sounds as though he would take his participation in your family seriously which is a good thing.
I can understand your confusion and desire to figure this out. I do find myself wondering if he is being 100% honest with you. We already know he wasn’t 100% honest with his ex as he didn’t tell her that he had met someone new. He has shared that you shouldn’t wait for him and I do agree with this. YEs, get out there and date. Be open to meeting someone who is actually ready for a relationship and can commit. You are not responsible to stop just because it makes him uncomfortable. You actually don’t have any obligation to tell him what you are doing and when you are going out. Do you tell him when you are meeting a friend for coffee or a movie?
It sounds like you have asked for no contact. When he contacts you again, rather than engaging to remind him, I suggest you ignore him for the time being. At this point he needs to make a decision to be in or out and follow ups ith appropriate behavior. You deserve that and there really is no need to interact with him at this point. Remember, when a man wants a women he will walk across a mountain to get to her. He is wishy washy and being unfair to you. Basically he wants to know you are there for him but he isn’t really there for you. Perhaps it is time for you to save your loving energy for someone who can reciprocate? Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Uma, COngraualtions on getting our degree! The is a great accomplishment and one that I’m sure you put a lot of effort in to. I hope you are feeling proud of yourself!
Of course you are feeling uncomfortable. That is normal in this situation. You will notice these feelings come in waves. You will feel strong and confident at times and then at other times you will feel insecure again. You are dealing with a big chance and big emotions come with big changes.
The thing that will help you navigate these waves is connecting to yourself, loving yourself, and reassuring yourself. We can’t know what will happen. We can’t say if you will get back together and of this is the man you will end up with. But, you can focus on the reality that your life is going o work out in a really positive way! If he isn’t the guy then you will meet another guy who is even more amazing. You will have the secure relationship one day and if it isn’t with him then it will be with someone who is even more amazing!
It’s is important to realize that he is not the key to your happiness. The positive feelings you experience when the two of you were in love and happy were feelings that were inside of you all along. And, they are still inside of you. He did not create them. You can learn to feel that way without him. Wouldn’t it be amazing to experience that?
When you are doubtful and feeling weak, sit down and calm down. Do some deep breathing. If you re having a difficult time connecting to a younger part of yourself then just connect to yourself. Think of what it is that would make you feel better than gove that emotional support to yourself. For instance, if what you need is to feel love then remind yourself of all the ways in which you are loved. Think of the love of your family. Think of the love from your friends. If you have a connection to a higher power think of the love from that higher power. Let yourself relax and actually connect with the feeling of being loved.
Do you have any meditation or relaxation apps on your phone? If not, take a look and get one. Then, start using it every day and use it especially when you are having a difficult time feeling confident and loved. This is the time to pull out all the stops and do everything you can to support yourself emotionally! Even when you are in a relationship there will be times of discord, times when emotional support is not available to you from your partner. Now is the time to learn how to do this for yourself. Can you share what you have been doing to build this inside of you?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I think it is a good idea of you take a step back right now. Don’t initiate texting but instead let him lead. He needs to pursue you at this stage not the other way around. And, when he does initiate don’t talk about missing him or missing him etc. Instead, talk about all the fun hints you are doing and what is making you feel good these days.
I want to go back to some earlier posts. You’ve mentioned that he has shared that you are afraid that if you aren’t in his life that he will forget about you and move on. This is something that most women feel and while it is understandable, however, staving in the front of his mind will have the opposite effect. It will make him more away from you versus move towards you. If you move away from him and reconnect with your little one, feel confident and strong, then when he initiates he will see an happy and irresistible woman. When you are doing your own thing and not contacting him it will give him the opportunity to miss you, wonder what you are doing, and begin to worry that you will forget HIM.
In essence, you want to change the direction this is moving. You’ve been initiating and chasing and now, as you stop, the direction will change. I know that is a really scary proposition. There are probably a lot of ‘What ifs’ running thought your brain right now. I can understand that because it is a really different mind set that I am suggesting. As scary as it is, we already know that what you have been doing is having the opposite effect than what you want. What if, instead, you tried something radically different?
Also, have you been connecting with and comforting that younger part of you who is afraid that everyone is going to leave her? The more you do that, the more confident and secure you will feel. And, the less you will go to him for reassurance. The is something you definitely deserve to feel!
Kanya
Hi Uma, That is a great question. I think that at this point you keep doing what you are doing! You pamper yourself. You spend time with your friends. You do nice things for yourself. You enjoy your life and envision what it is you want.
While his friend things this is just stress the reality is we can’t say for sure what this is. What we do know if that your BF or Ex BF isn’t really sure about what he wants at this time. And, he isn’t doing a great job communicating with you. Hopefully he will reconnect and open up at some point. When he does, be sure to listen and give him a chance to really open up. My guess is there is a lot inside that he may want to talk about.
You both are dealing with some complicated things are a young age. Be patient and give both of you time to sort this all out. When does the trimeser finish and have you been able to keep up with your studies in all of this?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I really acknowledge you for your insight into these patterns. We all deal with emotional roots from our childhood that affect our adult relationships though few of us realize it.
While it can be confusing to know how to tame them, there are ways to do so. First, is your therapy helping you connect with your little girl inside and so you can learn ways to help her feel confident, calm, and loved? This is vital. Building the relationship between you and your little one is where the most leverage for healing lies. You can literally create a safe space inside where you and she meet in your imagination. Imagine yourself hold her and reassuring her that you will never leave her, that she is lovable. As you strengthen that relationship and that younger part of you starts to trust the connection and the stability of it, it will become far easier to manage those scared and uncomfortable feelings when they arise.
There is also a great book that I highly recommend called “Homecoming: Championing and Reclaimng Your Inner Child” by John Bradshaw. In it, he lays out each age stage, what emotional needs a child had, and what occurs when a parent is unable to meet the emotional needs. I think you would find it really helpful!
For now, when you think about reaching out to him put that to the side and spend some time with your younger self. Imagine yourself sitting with her, your ams wrapped around her. Tell her how amazing she is, list all the things that are special about her and that you love. Give her the love and reassurance that she needed when she was little and did’t get. It might feel uncomfortable at first but the more you give that to yourself, the less you need to go to him for that reassurance. Can you try that over the next few days and see what impact it has on you?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, My response and Heidi’s response came at the same time so I have copies it below in case you didn’t see it. Are you comfortable with him stopping by? What boundaries are going to work for you?
Kanya
Take a breath. I know that this is really painful and difficult. But, you were with this person for 5 months. That isn’t a lot of time and if things were going to fall apart I’d rather it be now than later. You seem to have become very dependent on him to feel good about yourself. In essence, you’ve given away your power. It is time to get your power back!
The two of you may work things out but each of you need to do some work on yourselves first. You are doing the work, getting stronger and more capable. Trusting that you are lovable and deserve a solid, loving relationship. I trust you will keep moving forward and get to the point where your confidence level soars!
We don’t know yet if he is going to do the work, if he is needing space to processor if he is done. I honestly don’t think he even knows where he is at at this point. But, nothing is going to change quickly. This is a marathon not a sprint. You need to know that you are strong enough to feel these feelings or sadness, confusion, longing, etc. If he were to say he wants you back today, and you went back, nothing would be resolved. Nothing. And he would do this to you again, and again. While it is difficult, know that he needs to be in a place of truly committing, even when things get hard, before you let this person back into your heart. He hasn’t earned the with to be let back in.
You asked how the two of you got to this p lace. As Heidi shared,there are no guarantees. Relationships fall apart sometimes. People are going to let us down, make mistakes, be inconsiderate at times. You need to know that this is part of life and that you are strong enough to experience this reality, knowing that people are human. And they make mistakes. And people break up, for good reasons and for bad reasons. Right now you need to look at building up the relationship with yourself, comforting yourself, and giving to yourself as your priority versus trying to get him back. What is the mantra you wrote about trusting yourself?
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I am so glad that Heidi was able to help. Please stay in touch and let us know how we can support you!
Kanya
Hi EB, I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with incest. That must have been really terrible and confusing. What a strong little girl you were to tell your parents! And I acknowledge you for helping others hear from similar situations. I can understand why you would be wondering about any connection to this time. Are there specific ways that this might be affecting you today that you are wondering about?
You are asking a lot of great questions. I think it is important to understand yourself and your behavior. When we make things about learning and growing they become far more interesting and less personal to a particular person or situation.
Of course you are feeling scared with this new guy. That is a very normal experience as we are getting to know someone. We are opening up, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable a little at a time while not knowing where things are going to go. With this man he is present and consistent which are qualities that you are not used to. Being nervous is a good sign.
It is difficult to compare this with your experience with Paul for many reason so I would stop making that relationship, and your feelings about it, the thing that you compare your present to. As the saying goes, it is like comparing apples to oranges. Yes, you know him but dating him is brand new and naturally scary and exciting and confounding all at the same time!
Do you see that men in this situation you are making Paul part of the narrative. In doing so you continue to give him control and power in your life. He is just one man that you have met on this journey. He is not the best nor the worse. If you can septette him from the situation that would be helpful. As an example, think of him as a generic person and focus on what you are learning about yourself. This is different than using him as the person you formulate your new relationships around by comparing and contrasting. My sense is you still think about him because it is scary to let go and move on. That is normal but the more you commit to doing just that the easier it will become. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Take a breath. I know that this is really painful and difficult. But, you were with this person for 5 months. That isn’t a lot of time and if things were going to fall apart I’d rather it be now than later. You seem to have become very dependent on him to feel good about yourself. In essence, you’ve given away your power. It is time to get your power back!
The two of you may work things out but each of you need to do some work on yourselves first. You are doing the work, getting stronger and more capable. Trusting that you are lovable and deserve a solid, loving relationship. I trust you will keep moving forward and get to the point where your confidence level soars!
We don’t know yet if he is going to do the work, if he is needing space to processor if he is done. I honestly don’t think he even knows where he is at at this point. But, nothing is going to change quickly. This is a marathon not a sprint. You need to know that you are strong enough to feel these feelings or sadness, confusion, longing, etc. If he were to say he wants you back today, and you went back, nothing would be resolved. Nothing. And he would do this to you again, and again. While it is difficult, know that he needs to be in a place of truly committing, even when things get hard, before you let this person back into your heart. He hasn’t earned the with to be let back in.
You asked how the two of you got to this p lace. As Heidi shared,there are no guarantees. Relationships fall apart sometimes. People are going to let us down, make mistakes, be inconsiderate at times. You need to know that this is part of life and that you are strong enough to experience this reality, knowing that people are human. And they make mistakes. And people break up, for good reasons and for bad reasons. Right now you need to look at building up the relationship with yourself, comforting yourself, and giving to yourself as your priority versus trying to get him back. What is the mantra you wrote about trusting yourself?
Kanya
Hi Uma,
Thanks for clarifying! I really understand that you want the best for him financially and that you want to help him achieve that. The thing is, it sounds as though he does feel controlled and wants to be able to mae his own decisions financially even if it is not the best decision for him. He wants, even needs, to go out with his friends sometimes and yes that will mean spending money. I think that you need to take a step back from this and let him make his own decisions-even if it seems like a bad decision. It sounds like he is willing to live with the consequences of those decisions. That is part or what it means to be young. You learn, through experience, what works. I think that giving him his freedom, which he deserves, to figure this and other things out would go a long way to making him feel more respected and understood.Since you are reading the Relationship Rewrite you realize that you will need to look at your behaviors and admit what things you were doing that you need to change. It sounds like telling him what to do or expressing opinions about his behavior may be an area that you need to work on. Are you abel to sent him a text or message at this time? Something simple to start “I’ve been thinking. I realize that at times I felt I was trying to help but can understand why you thought I being controlling. I am really sorry. Ididn’t realize how that must have felt for you.
I do respect you and trust you to make good decisions on your own..” That is it. Send a message like that then give him time to think about it and soften a bit. I believe that is the first communication step the Rewrite Method talks about. Is this something you are open to doing as a start?Kanya
