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Hi Rebecca, I love how you two are handling this! You are taking your time and going slow. You could have really gotten triggered when he said that you needed to talk when he got back but you really stayed calm and comforted yourself. Well done!!! The more you give him space, the more he seems to open up to you. That is really great information for you in terms of knowing what he needs to develop more self awareness and to share that awareness with you.
It sounds like you handled things in a good way. It is interesting that you choose to be in a situation that would make it difficult to say no to sex. While all of this is your decision and I have no judgement, I am wondering how strong this decision is inside of you? Are there ways to reinforce and strengthen it?
Kanya
Hi Jill, SO glad you are on the forum! That is a great question. There are a lot of was that you can increase your irresistibility levels and get him to really notice you. There are ways to flirt, conversations starters, and even body language secrets that can get his attention. Have you checked out the Irresistible Insights page on the sight? James has posted a lot of article about this on that page. I suggest you start there! Identify 2-3 different articles that interest you, read through them, and then start to implement some of the suggestions. Then we can talk about ways to personalize them and use them in your situation.
Take a look now, read through one, then hop back on with thoughts and questions! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Deetta, These top 3 do not sound unusual to me at all! They sound amazing. I acknowledge you for really going for it and being honest with yourself.
So, did this most recent guy possess these top 3 qualities?
Kanya
Hi Jeannie, I am sorry that this continues to be painful. I have been in similar situations in the past and I know how deep the feelings of confusion and upset can be. One thing that I think may help is it you are willing to put view this situation and his behavior in a different perspective. Yes, he made some questionable decisions but ultimately I think he did it because he wanted to get to know you. You shared a thought that is really powerful and telling to this situation “unless they have the power to rip my
heart out through my chest and stomp on it.” The two of you were trying to date with very full lives and things didn’t work out. There are more neutral ways of looking at this situation. Here are a few ideas:
* He thought he was ready but really didn’t know how to balance his life to make room for a relationship.
* He is a really great guy but just isn’t ready.
* There were a lot of things I liked about him but ultimately I realized he is controlled by his life versus being in control of his life.Do you see how these perspectives take the emotional energy out of the equation? I get the sense that you are focusing on his emotional flaws as well as your own emotional flaws. The reality is, we all have flaws and vulnerabilities that we are working through. No one person is done growing in these areas. When you ca accept that and not take things personally life becomes a lot more manageable and it is far easier to regulate our emotions. Does that make sense?
Another thing I was to encourage is that you stop interpreting his or anyone’s behavior. In other words, don’t make up stories. You shared in an earlier post that he thought you were “Too crazy for an explanation” Is that something that he shared? Do you feel you acted in a way that was crazy? My sense is, you’ve been told that when you are not emotionally regulated you are crazy. That just isn’t true. You are not crazy. I think that you have some thoughts and ideas about people that make it difficult to stay calm at times. That is far different than being crazy. In looking back, do you see that you may be reacting to men’s imperfections because you felt there was actually something wrong with you? If so, that can trigger some strong emotions.
It sounds like you’ve been really open to working on yourself the past. Can you share with me what types of tools you have for self regulation when you are upset and self critical?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I understand this is difficult. While it is natural to wonder if we could have done anything differently, the truth is you don’t have control over his behavior. The actions he has taken are his responsibility and not something that you would have been able to change. Usually when we are thinking about that, we tend to focus on the good or potential in a person rather than who they actually are.
The best way to change how you think about him is be real in your thoughts. This means that when you find yourself wondering about what could have been or focusing on the positive, it is important to stop and ask yourself to be realistic. Think about the way he handled things. Think about how you felt when he ghosted you. Think about how you felt when you heard he had been talking about you. Think of the ways you felt embarrassed or confused. Let yourself really experience those feelings again so that you start to want to avoid those feelings versus your sadness. The sadness will not last forever and it will go significantly more quickly if you focus on the negative in him versus the positive.
When you find yourself fantasizing literally say out loud “That is not the kind of person he was. He was actually someone who was dishonest with me. He lied about his actions and my demeanor. This is not someone who deserves to have me in his life.” Can you share more about what you did not like about him and the situation so that you can get more clarity?
Kanya
Hi Deetta, It sounds like you’ve had some time to consider what this was about for you. I commend you on that! Not many people are willing to do this. I’m glad that you realize his ghosting behavior towards you really had nothing to do with you. He has issues and those issues play out with everyone that he interacts with in one way or another.
It sounds like he blames this on ‘not knowing what I want’ but really, it goes a lot deeper than that. I acknowledge you for trusting your gut on this and moving on. He really isn’t someone to attach to because he really isn’t someone who is going to be there for you.
I love that you have gotten to the place of ‘why not me?’ as you seem to be fairly amazing. Perhaps what is next is really thinking about what you want and what you are ready for. I suggest you actually make a list of the top 10 things in a relationship that have the most value for you. Put the list down for a few days then go back and take a look. Figure out which are the 3 most important ones and keep these handy. They will help guide you to the type of man that is right for you! Can you share what you value most in a relationship?
Kanya
Hi Diandra, I am so very sorry that he is making this choice. It makes total sense that you were and are in shock. I don’t know many people who would be able to accept this and move on. My guess is he was thinking this way for a long time and processing it emotionally which is why it looks ‘easy’ for him.
I just have a few questions; over the years what were his complaints about the relationship? Can you give me a few examples of wanting different things from his perspective? Was there anything that precipitated this such as an argument or action that was taken or death int he family, etc. Has your husband made drastic changes in other areas of his life such as work? Any sense that he may be seeing someone or be involved with someone?
Most important, how ate you taking care of yourself in all of this? Who is your support system? Who are you talking to about all of this? Does it feel as though you are going along with his suggestions for fear of making things worse? Is any part of you thinking that perhaps it is time to start thinking about what you want and possibly setting some boundaries with him?
I look forward to hearing back from you and getting a bigger picture on the situation!
Kanya
Hi Patricia, I love that you have such a wise inner voice! Sometimes we do need to hear something from others to trust what we already know. This is such a complicated situation I think yo would spend far more time trying to figure him out than you would actually connecting with him. You made the right decision! Please connect back with us if we can assist you further!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I am so glad that this has been helpful. You are dealing with some complicated emotions so I would expect things to be confusing and frustration at times. I just want to say that you are doing an amazing job! I can see how hard you are trying and I hope that you re feeling good about your commitment and your growth!
Taking it slow is a process. You guys are learning what that means and doing a great job communicating about it which is vital! While we all feel anxious about our connections, learning to stay call and not make up stories is really important and something that we all need to learn. I love that you are focusing on your actual time together as the priority! Have you noticed any change in your worries since lining to do this?
I LOVE that you are developing a solid relationship with that young one inside of you. AS you continue to do this you will start to see that the behavior of others isn’t as upsetting and won’t throw you out of balance the way it used to. That is an empowered great place to be and an experience that you deserve to have. You are an amazing woman with so much to offer in a relationship. It sounds as though it is starting to feel like that internally as well!
As I listen to what you shared in your most recent post and compare it to what you were sharing initially I am really struck by how different you sound. It hasn’t been that long since Heidi and I began speaking with you yet you have grown in so many ways. Yes, you deserve to be with someone who is in love with you! That is all there is to it. I totally trust that you will monitor this and know if the time arises to move on. In the mean time, keep doing what you are doing. I have no doubt that you are inspiring other women on this site who are in similar situations!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, My heart goes out to you.I can only imagine how painful it was for you when he decided to go back to his wife. It sounds like it really took you by surprise. And, I can understand why you initially wanted to start seeing him again. It seems as though you have an inner struggle going on at this point. On the one hand you are in love with this person and feel that she is the interloped and on the other hand you know that this is not enough.
Given that he has been content with seeing both of you for 5 years I do not think he is going to change. At this point he has everything that he wants; he has you whom he has a passionate connection with, he has a solid financial standing, he enjoys how social standing. really, it doesn’t sound like he wants for much. The only thing that may motivate him is not having you in his life though that might not actually motivate him. If he enjoys his financial comfort over other things i n life then he will continue to choose that, as he has for the past 5 years.
I’m guessing the two of you have discussed this. What has he shared about his decision? Is there anything he can do or imagine happening that will allow him to give up the comforts he has in his marriage and strike out on his own?
Kanya
Hi Dana, I am so sorry that all of this is occurring. I can hear how stressed and frustrated you are! I hope the behavioralist has been helpful in understanding and assisting you and your fur baby! Going tot he beach sounds ideal! You definitely need some down time and some self nurturing. Glad you are doing okay today. Please keep us posted. Sending you so many good vibes!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I acknowledge you for how you are handling this difficult situation. Starting over and learning to go slow might be difficult at times but you can absolutely do it! One thing that will help is for you to get clear on what ‘going slow’ means to you. At this point I would imagine that when he takes a step closer all you want to do is take that step with him. IT must feel so nice to have more closeness and connections this is really your goal! The thing is, right now he is getting close when it works for him and pulling away when it works for him and that can create havoc on your emotions. Rather than trying to change him, let’s see if we can help you get clear on your boundaries.
I can understand why sleeping together doesn’t feel like going slowly. It is easier for a guy to have sex without feeling an emotional deepening than it is for a woman. It is just biology in terms of how the male and female brains respond to the act of love making. It makes total sense that you would like to put the brakes on that for now. Do you know what the plan is for Monday night? One way to avoid things going to far is to meet at the planned activity versus going together. Then you can get in your car at the end of the night and go home.
If you have something planned at your home or his, you might say something like find the right moment to say something like “I really enjoyed being with you the other night. I really it will be difficult for me to go slowly when we are close intuit way. for now I think I’d like to put that on the back burner so we can just enjoy dating and getting to know each other again.” You don’t want it to feel like an ultimatum or a way in which you are punishing him. Rather, it’s just something you need to keep your head straight in all of this. There will be moments that you question your decision, times when you want to change your mind. Getting clear on the boundaries ahead of time will help! Also, don’t make the decision to sleep with him in a heated moment. Let it be something you decide to do what you are ready but when he is more present and ready to move on with a commitment. How does all of that sounds?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, It’s is not surprising that his behavior continues to be strange and unpredictable. It seems that this is the sort of person he is-he gives mixed signals, pulls people is, and ultimately mistreats people. It sounds like he can be very charming at times which can be very confusing. While it is difficult, I think a clean break is the best thing in this situation. Think of what it would be like if he was still in your life doing the things he was doing. He really treated you disrespectfully and dishonestly. When you start to miss him, do you let yourself see him in a realistic light? Often times, in these situations, we need to work to direct our thinking. Our brain can start to reshape our memories of someone by encoring us to remember the positives of someone or indulging the fantasy of someone’s potential. What are you doing to talk care of yourself these days as you navigate this?
Kanya
What I find most unsettling is that being with this man is affecting your self confidence. Even amazing relationship have difficulties but in this situation I wonder if his personality is such that he just isn’t able to give you what you need to feel secure. Can you share more about how your insecurities have made past relationships difficult?
Kanya
