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Hi Kalela, I totally get the knee jerk reaction to make the ‘if’ into something more than it probably is. Can you share with him that it triggered the concern inside of you that he isn’t really in? Have you two been on different pages with when to get married?
When the two of you have talked about marriage, are there concerns that he has talked openly about?
Kanya
Hi Kalela, So glad that you are here. I can understand your frustrations! The thing is, what he said has a lot of value. It will help you understand some of the reasons why he is hesitant. If you want to be married to this man you have to be willing to listen to his concerns, provide reassurance, and give to him what he is asking for. The second part of that sentence is far more important than the first part of that sentence. He was opening up to you, sharing a concern, and the is really positive. Reengage in that conversation and ask him to tell you again what he was sharing. Then, address his concerns and let him know that you care about what he wants and needs.
Have you had similar conversations in the past? WAHt are some concerns he has shared. Also, how old are the two of you?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I empathize with what you are sharing. The falling in love, honeymoon stage of a relationship only lasts between 6 months and 2 years. It can be difficult to make the transition to the next phase if we are reliant on the ‘in love’ feeling to make us feel loved. I hear that you are wanting a certain feeling back. I also hear that you want him to have that feeling. This can be a little etherial in that we don’t always know how to create a feeling or emotion. Let’s see if we can be more concrete.
I suggest you start with reading the book “The 5 Love Languages” with your boyfriend. IT will hep you both figure out what makes each of you feel loved. As you start to give each other more of what you need those ‘in love’ feelings might grow. I also get the sense that he is trying but that you are doubting him so much it may be difficult to trust. Does that make sense? He might be getting tired from giving you something that you aren’t seeing or experiencing. When you share that you’ve been hurt so many times, is it in this relationship or other relationships? Can you share more about that? Also, have you been depressed in the past. Perhaps talking to someone would be helpful for you to work through any blockages to feeling loved at this time.
For now I would stop telling him that he wants something else, that he is not happy. That is’t your job. He gets to determine what he thinks and feels just as you get to determine what you think and feel. Do you feel he does things that ‘should’ make you happy but you just aren’t feeling it? Maybe it is a mood issue rather than a relationship issue. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi, I’m curious about something. You shared that you want a deeper relationship yet it seems that you are clear that he is not the guy to do that with. He doesn’t seem to have the skills to manage the feelings, doubts, and vulnerabilities that come with a deeper relationship. Yes, you want to get him back. Why do you think that is?
I’m curious if this is the type of guy you’ve dated in the past? Someone who is great but not really there? The thing is, he isn’t working hard enough to deserve all that you are giving to him so freely. He is taking for granted that you will be there no matter what. He won’t value the relationship unless he has to work for it. In the 3 years you have been dating, have you been open to dating other guys who are capable of the type of relationship you want?
Kanya
Hi Candace. I totally empathize with you. When I have dated recently divorced men in the future I have found a lot of the same behavior. As Heidi shared, on the one hand they want a new life and a new love. On the other hand, they are most often emotionally fatigued and don’t have the inn resources to create something just yet. The research indicated that the average time men are divorced before being ready for a serious relationship is about 2 years. Given that he was married for 24 years I do think it will take him some time to commit in a meaningful way.
When he asked to be friends you were very clear that this would not work for you. Can I ask why you are questioning that now?
Kanya
Hi Rachel, Given the options that Heidi shared, do you think he is interested in rekindling things or just flirting because he is flirty? There are many things that create connection and attraction. Sometimes that is personal to couples and sometimes it is universal. One thing I will say is that if a guy likes someone and wants her he is willing to work hard to get her. I don’t se this guy working hard to get you. I see him being occasionally flirtatious but nothing more.
One thing you need to be aware of is his pursuing a friends with benefits situation. I would say that based on his behavior so far that situation would not turn into something more. Just wanted to mention it so that you are aware. In the 5 months since you broke up have you put yourself out there and dated?
Kanya
Hi Francis, Why did your ex husband feel he had the right to hit you if you were pregnant with someone else child? Do you think that this may have played a role in your boyfriend stepping back? This sounds really complicated if your ex husband continues to play this sort of role in your life. That is probably an area that needs to change for your sake, and for your boyfriends sake.
Rather than focusing on getting him back focus instead on being the best version of yourself. When he comes to get his stuff on Wednesday just talk to him. Don’t ask him to get back to gather or give you another chance but do let him know that you see some things you were doing that weren’t really working. Tell him what some of those things were and apologize. Let him see you as strong and capable. Hopefully this will allow him to open up more and share what was going on for him. If he does, do a lot of listening! Tell him the you can understand why he felt that way. Ask if he is okay if you share your thoughts on what happened. Having a calm conversation is probably the place to start. While you can’t make him do that, if you stay calm and open then he might feel safer to do so! Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, It seems like you know the answer. If he wasn’t missing you he would not have had that much contact with you. We know it is not about him in this situation. Something inside of you is either doubting his feelings or not registering his feelings. Either way, you need to look within o this one.
Ar you feeling vulnerable in some way? Have you been taking care of yourself, loving yourself, and loving the younger one inside of you? You have a lot of material that you can look at to understand the situation but it sounds like you need to really connect deeply with the part of you that is scary. I suggest you take some time to hold her and love her. Reassure her that you are always going to be there no matter what! You are her primary source of connection ow and throughout the course of your life.
Do you have a stuffed animal that you feel a connection to? I would spend time every day holding that while talking to your little one. If you don’t have a stuffed animal, just grab a pillow and do the same thing. Reassure her that you love her, that she is beautiful kind, funny, and so very special. Do this every day, and even multiple times a day to develop your inner strength. Even though things seem to be going amazing well, you and your little one need to know that even if things don’t work out you will still be loved and treasured! Right now you are still looking to him for this which as you know can create a lot of challenges. It sounds like it is time to refocus on you, not him, so that you can find your balance. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi! We re really glad that you are here! I’m sorry that this is happening and can imagine how frustrating and confusing it is. It would help me to know a bit more about your situation.
While you were dating, was it a relationship? Did you meet each other’s friends and family? Did you talk about building a future together? Is this something that he has done before? Did something happen just before he became distant that may have contributed to this such as a disagreement, etc?
Finally, when you say you want him back do you mean you want things to be the way they were or you want to have a deeper, more close relationship? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Barbara, First of all Iw ant to reassure you that you are not pathetic! Sometimes out heart wants something that doesn’t make sense to us. Rather than acting on it, let’s try to figure out why.
You mentioned that when you date you feel as though you are cheating on your ex. That tells me that you haven’t made peace with the fact that you are no longer married to him. Can you share more about that with me? Do those feelings come from inside of you? Do others around you such as a parent, your ex or your children try to make you feel guilty? What was the core reason for your divorce 28 years ago?
Kanya
Hi Theresa, So glad you are on the forum! You were clear with him that you don’t want to be friends wh ice is important to pay attention to. You want to be in a relationship with him. You want him to work through his fears so that you can move forward as a couple. I think that is an important boundary to keep. It is important that he miss you so that he can start to question his decision.
For now I would not initiate contact. When he does, and he will, don’t respond immediately. Give yourself some space then respond in a friendly manner. While it can be scary, I encourage you to hold out for what you want.
Have you dated anyone else since the break-up?
Kanya
Hi Dana, I am sorry that the dog’s higher needs are stressing you out. My sister has an amazing dog who is ‘leash aggressive’ that means that when he is on the leash he will bark and grow at other dogs. Sounds like your guy does this with people. Did you talk to your Vet about some medication such as Prozac? I know they do give it to dogs to help with anxiety that can show up as barking, growling, etc. Maybe that would help. They also have special jackets for dogs kind go like weighted blankets to help them feel secure. Also wondering if you leave the TV and a fan on while you are gone to block out some of the noise. I hope this gets worked out soon.
Isn’t it interesting that Helio is now reaching out to you. Given that you could care less it makes perfect sense to me. He is again in the pursuit phase and you are so busy with other things that you aren’t jumping back in. That gives him the opportunity to keep pursuing. I think it is very wise of you to put your needs and your pups needs first at this time. That focus will serve you well. Is H helping you with the pup at all? Being supporting and empathetic?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca,
All signs point to him still being on board. The is actually a great example of wanting the reassurance from him. Yes, he is on board, cares for you, is thinking about the relationship and taking active steps to repair it. I think it is great that you gave him the day to focus on his work. As you move through the stages you will connect less frequently BECAUSE there is confidence that all os well. In starting over al going more slowly you also, collectively, have the opportunity to see how much space you are each comfortable with. I know it is a generalization but most men are comfortable going for longer period of time without connecting. When you can honor that it gives them time to actually miss you. You definitely want them to miss you so that they are coming towards you. If you reach out too much the energy is moving in the opposite direction. In my experience this actually increases anxiety over time because he doesn’t have the space to initiate. Does that make sense?
How interesting that you have been in relationships that generally float back and forth between the first 2 stages. From what you are sharing, it sounds as though the two of you are indeed entering the working stage. You are learning to accept each other’s imperfections while not taking them personally. You’re learning to step back and give him space while working with the part of you that is sometimes worried. And it sounds as though he is realizing that the two of you can work through anything. This is so exciting. What do you think about sharing this article with him. Does that feel in alignment at this stage?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, You re kicking butt with all of this! This realization about abandonment is so vital to this puzzle. Let’s talk a little bit about attachment. When we are in-utero we don’t need to communicate out needs, eight? We have everything automatically addressed, Then, when we are infants, out care givers sense what we need. We can feel a sense of euphoria in that knowing and response. Eventually things change and we have that feeling less. The connection is still there even if that euphoric feeling is not.
Fast forward to falling in love. The feelings are similar. Initially our partner responds to us in the way we need automatically. Easy peasy. We have that euphoric falling in love feeling the is quite intoxicating. Studies of the brain show that the ‘in love’ brain looks just like the brain of someone who just did a lone of cocaine. At that point our brain in like chemical soup. The feeling is so delicious and amazing and addictive. Naturally, we want that feeling to continue. Unfortunately, this is not an accurate reflection of love. This stage is temporary. It may be a feeling that comes and goes throughout the relationship but it is not possible to sustain this level of chemical soup indefinitely. Research shows that this stage of a romantic relationship lasts between 6-24 months.
There are 5 stages of a relationship:
1. Romance Stage
2. Power struggle/Crisis Stage
3. Stability/Working Stage
4. Commitment Stage
5. Real Love StageHere is a link to an article that will help you understand these stages.
The 5 stages of a relationship that every couple goes through (and how to survive them)
It sounds as though you want to stay in the Romance stage. This is common. This is what I call the Disney Relationship. Unfortunately, it isn’t possible. Event though it can be scary, moving t the next phases is vital to build a stable and lasting relationship. Please take a look at the article and let me know your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I am s very sorry that this is happening. Of course you ar heart broke,-that is the natural feeling intros type of situation. I’m not quite clear on everything you shared so I hope it is okay if I ask a few questions.
– How long have you been divorced?
– Did your ex recently hit you because he thought you were pregnant? If so, can you explain more about that situation and how it might be affecting your relationship with your new guy?
– Did your new guy want to have kids or at least the option of kids at some point?
_ How old is he?
_ You mention playing fortnite with him and his wife. Is he currently married?WHat is there status?I’m looking forward to hearing back from you. In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself and nurture yourself?
Kanya
