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Hi Ana, I am so sorry. It sounds like this really was a shock to you. Hopefully he is willing to talk about it and see if things can get worked out.
My first question is; has he been talking about things that bother him for awhile and perhaps didn’t feel like you took his concerns seriously? He may have been subtle about it but think back and see what comes to mind. If he feels he has talked to you and you haven’t addressed his concerns you will need to make some repairs in this area.
My guess is, since you haven’t been very interested in connecting sexually, you may have stopped putting effort into being playful and flirtatious. Does that sound familiar to how you’ve been feeling? My guess is, he will take you more seriously if you share a clear plan with him about how things will change. Have you talked to your doctor about this and different ways to reconnect with these feelings?
Do you think the majority of this is lack of sexual connection or are there other ways that could help him feel the romantic feelings again? The thing is, after 5 1/2 years the feelings will be different then when you started out. Relationships evolve over time and the face of love changes. DO you think he is being realistic in his expectations?I know these are a lot of questions but I am looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I think you are on the right path with your questions. When you are reading someones profile, I would compliment then on something you saw/read. Acknowledge their passions in your response. Let’s say they mention sailing as something the love to do. I would write something like “I noticed the picture of you sailing. I’ve never sailed but I’ve always wanted to. Can you tell me more about this? What do you loe about it?” This gives you a chance to ignite their hero instinct which is always a plus. I’d also suggest you learn to be playful in your responses. Men love a women who is fun and easy going because it makes them feel good when they can make us laugh! If you look at how you respond to me, are you letting your playful, flirty side out. It may not feel natural and easy at first but it will become more natural the more you do it.
I agree, there is a big difference between reading about something and learning how to do it. Your example is good but let’s change it a bit.
“Are you this open in person becomes. You’re so open-what a breath of fresh air. I bet you are really easy to talk to.” So you manage to put in a compliment rather than just a question. To me, you want to be playful and easy going and fun. This usually is what makes a man want to meet you! Have you had a friend take a look at your profile to give you some ideas? I also think that some of the site will help you write your profile and coach you on the process as well.
Kanya
If you can ask him about who he is dating and not get upset then go for it. Otherwise, just let it be. It sounds like you have mutual friends who can keep you up to date on things if needed. Even though you want to implement the Rewrite Method, I would do the steps in a more playful way. No heavy talks. I would use your time together on the trip to remind him of how fun, playful and amazing you are! Find one opportunity to offer the apology. Something like “You know, I realize that I was super focused on life sometimes and wasn’t always open to being there for you. I just want to apologize for that. I never wanted you to feel unimportant to me. You’re a great guy and a great partner and I just want you to know that.” Of course you will tailor this in a way that suits your situation. But doing it this way proves the apology as well as the acknowledgment and the awareness that you wish you would have done it differently in a light way.
I’d also provide some well placed compliments about things he used to do for you, ways that he was able to be your hero. Finally, find ways to ignite his hero instinct now. Let him open doors, or lift things, or open wine, etc. Those small things can go a long way to helping him feel important and useful.
Overall I would encourage you to take some of the pressure off of both or you to get back together. Yes, that is something you want but it can’t be the driving force. If you look at the relationship honestly, what were the things that didn’t work for you? Is there a part of you that is excited about meeting someone new who could meet YOUR needs more fully?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Thanks for the additional information! For now I would let the photos go. Men are much more visual then we are, and you are not open to asking him about it. Rather than letting yourself worry and wonder, let it go. I really believe that if it is something that you need to address the situation will arise again. I would be more concerned if it was several pictures of one person then pictures of random women.
I know you were kind of joking but I think having a code word when he needs some space would be fantastic! I actually suggest that to my clients to suit a variety of needs. I’ve found that couples have the most success with a funny word, something that will break any tension and make them laugh. Next time it happens suggest a silly work before giving him his space.
I get that you are wondering what level of needs will work in this relationship. That is something couples deal with and need to figure out. It is important to know that it is definite okay for you to have needs! We all have needs. Having needs is an important part of living in community with other human beings. To me, being needy is very different. Being needy is about taking advantage of people caring for you and not stepping up to care for yourself. Being needy is also about getting what you need and not feeling fulfilled. In these situations there is a sense by one person that no matter how much they give it will never be enough. Doyou feel this is happening in your situation?
I wonder if part of this is about having different love Languages. You’ve probably seen that phrase referenced on this site but is is from a book called “The 5 Love Languages.” It talks about the 5 basic ways people give and receive love; gift giving, words of appreciation, quality time, acts of service, and physical affection. When a couple share the same love language it is easy to give each other what they need. When they have different love languages they may feel like they are giving to their partner but its not appreciated and/or it isn’t felt as love.
While it sounds simple, it can have a big impact on people. Let me give you a personal example. My number one is physical affection. TO me, hand holding, sitting close together on the couch, snuggling in bed are all things that I need to feel close to my partner. And I need natural physical affection everyday. If I don’t have that then I start to get grumpy and irritable. I had a boyfriend who did not do affection naturally. It was a huge issue in our relationship because it was so important to me. When I would be affectionate he would often want space. When I would ask for more affection he would tell me I was being needy. IT was so frustrating and one of the reasons we ultimately ended the relationship. We had totally different love languages and we didn’t feel cherished by each other.
My current partner shares the same love language. So, we’re always touching each other is some way. It’s just natural and easy and as a result we feel deeply connected to each other. it doesn’t feel like work and when one of us needs more affection the other one easily and happily gives it. I suggest you take a look at the book, determine what your love language is and ask him as well. Once you know the differences it is easier to give to your partner and also easier to know what your partner needs.
I suggest you don’t track affection. Instead, just be affectionate with him and if he needs space don’t take it personally. It sounds like he may be going through something right now where he is doing a lot of thinking. You mentioned he was depressed after his last trip. Do you think he is still struggling with this? Is he trying to figure some things out with his career that could be making him distant and irritable? WAs there any kind of disagreement that precipitated all of this distance?
Kanya
Don’t talk about yourself
Keep conversation on a surface level
Damage in youI too can be too self sufficient at times. While it was born out of necessity, there are ways I have learned to ask for help and accept the help and assistance of others. Being receptive is a way of being more traditionally feminine. What if you start to let men care for you in small ways; letting a man hold the door for you (even a man you don’t know) then looking him in the eye, smiling, and saying thank you. Asking others to help in small ways; opening a bottle of wine, handing you something, asking for directions.
I have a friend who is unbelievably feminine. It’s not just the way she looks, but also the way she is around men. She is incredibly self sufficient and capable but is also very open to asking for help. When she does so, men literally flock to her. A long time ago she was a mystery to me so I started to study her. What did she do that was so mesmerizing to men? Well. she smiled at them, thanked them for even small things, had a way of making them feel like her hero.
My suggestion is you go to the Irresistible Insights page on this site and start to read some of the articles James posted regarding being more feminine and receptive. Then, let us know what you think and we can talk about ways to tailor those ideas to your situation! We’re looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, So glad that you are here! In some ways it sounds as though the two of you are dealing with normal relationship stresses. As relationships grow we move into different phases. You are both learning to navigate these phases while still staying connected.
Just to clarify, since he said he wants to be together just a few weeks ago, is he not initiating sex or is that something you both initiate? DO you suggest new and fun things to continue to experience exciting sex? I know that can be scary and vulnerable but it is something that both partners can talk about and suggest!
Rather than assuming anything about the pictures, why not ask him. Just shared that you clicked on them by mistake and you are wondering about them. See if they really are just a guy thing or if they are more. How he responds to the question will also give you information about the situation.
You shared that in the past he felt you were being too needy. Do you think this is accurate and could it be happening again? Or, is it difficult for him to naturally show more loving behavior and he is telling you that you want too much. This is an important distinction. Also, how we ask for things sometimes overpowers what we are asking for. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Di M, I am sorry that he is choosing to handle this in this manner. It really is showing you that he does not want to be in a relationship. He can walk away and not explain himself. I am sure that he realizes, on some levels that this creates confusion and pain for you yet he continues to do so. Your real power lies in how you respond to the situation.
While you say that you aren’t looking for marriage, do you want a committed relationship? DO you want to build something with someone who will actually stick around and participate. If so, this is not the man to do that. He isn’t even responding to your messages at this point. My guess is this isn’t just about being busy at work.
If you want to get his attention, this is what I suggest. Don’t text or even respond to any messages he sends for 1 month. Then, send him a text that says simply “I need your help.” When he responds, ask him for something. It could be his advice about something he knows a lot about or it could be coming to your house to move something for you. If he does help, send a short text like “Thank you so much! You are my hero!” and continue to stay back. He needs to see that you aren’t just waiting for him. Get busy n your life, post pics of the fun things you are doing with other people. If he reengages, only be available to him 50% of the time to start and take your time responding to his messages. Even ‘forget’ to respond occasionally so he realizes you won’t always be there for him. What do you think about these suggestions?
Kanya
Hi Jocelyn, TO answer your question; I don’t think this particular method will work for you because you are broken up. That method is fo a guy who is committed but not working very hard. Since this man is not committed, my guess is he wouldn’t even respond to your letter at this stage. I know this is difficult and I am so sorry that he is choosing to be so inconsiderate.
Here is a question for you; why is it that you are wanting this man back? It seems that he has been giving you the run around for a little over a month. He hasn’t been honest, hasn’t communicated his truth with you. He seems to have broken up with you without feeling the needs to actually communicate that with you. It has left you confused and lacking closure. What does he bring to the table that would make any of this behavior okay?
My suggestion is that you stop communicating with him and become sporadic about responding to his communication. See if in time he attempts to reengage on a real level. At that point you can attempt to ignite his hero instinct in a small but meaningful way. I don’t believe that will work for him at this point because he really is treating you apathetically and running in the other direction. Does this make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I love that you are acknowledging yourself. That is so important. We need to feel good with the steps we take and self acknowledgment and support is a crucial part of any relationship! Good job!!!
This really do sound back on track.I’m glad that Heidi’s wise words about the condoms made sense to you. Men consider the possibility of sex far more than woman but again, thinking about it is very different than acting on it!I love that you re talking to him about things and he is able to participate.
One thing I noted is that you are talking about what may be going on for him and he has pushed back a bit. Just wanted to give you an idea about how to handle this in the future. No one likes to have others telling them what they are thinking or feeling, right? And, no one likes to be told about an aspect of them that might not be working well. So, when I want to give anyone feedback I change my approach a bit. Instead of telling them they do this or that or are this or that, I make it something that people do in general. For instance, instead of focusing on him ” I love her I love her I love her- I don’t- then I love her etc again.” I’ll say something like, “Isn’t it funny how we can think in an all or nothing way sometimes? I wonder why that happens?” Or,”Isn’t it funny how we can think in an all or nothing way sometimes? Does that ear happen to you?” This opens the door to a conversation rather than creating defensiveness. When we acknowledge that we all do something ineffective, it makes it easier to acknowledge and talk about. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Colleen, First, I just want to say that you are doing a great job! I agree with Heidi in that strategy is important here and not something to shy away from. I get the sense that you are over thinking this, as I think you already shared. My guess is he was being flirty about you possibly not being good for his heart. You two were clearly joking. I don’t think you need to think there is anything that is concerning him here. The ore playful you can be the better. It is difficult to be playful when we are stressed out though. When you hear a comment like that and you feel your stomach flop, that is the time to take several deep breaths! Remind yourself that you are at the beginning stages here and that you can’t know what will or won’t happen. But, you do have some say in how you respond to things. Reassure that part of yourself that it is okay. His comment was made in the context of fun. That is all. Most likely he doesn’t remember the exact words he used because it was playful.
I agree that if you have concerns or want to ask questions then doing it in person makes the most sense. Given that the two of you live so far away from each other you will have a lot of practice in staying present and positive until those conversations can happen. And, you have only been talking for 6-7 weeks. It’s not yet time to figure out what this is. It really is time to enjoy it! I do think that it would be good for you to let him lead and initiate contact a bit more. He will take longer to do it but he will also feel more excited when he does. His natural instinct i this is to chase you so let him! Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I am so sorry about your mom’s decision to leave. I can understand why this would make it difficult to believe the truth at times and to trust someone you love to keep their word. While this feels like a pattern that will be difficult to heal, I know that it is something that could be healed in time. There is a great book that I know would help. It’s called “Homecoming; Reclaiming and Healing you Inner Child” by John Bradshaw. It is one of the most powerful books I have ever read!
The author does an amazing job of breaking down the emotional needs children have in each age stage. He then talks about how a child developed when she/he doesn’t have a family that is able to help them get those emotional needs met. And, he teaches you how to connect with those younger parts of yourself to help yourself heal. I think you would really get a lot out of it! I think I’m going to download it onto Audible today because it’s been a while since I read it. Take a look and we can discuss it a bit!
Kanya
Hi Harmony, I apologize that we did not respond sooner. While we do our best to respond to all of the questions on our sight in a timely manner, we occasionally miss one. I apologize and have just responded to your question!
Kanya
Hi Harmony, I am so glad you mentioned something on the other post about this. Occasionally we miss responding to someone. I am so sorry about that. I can assure you that this is real and that we do our best to answer everyone but we clearly messed up here.
So when he has been upset in the past, how much time does he usually need before being ready to talk? Some people need a day, some a week. If you reach out and tell him that you support him having space he may interpret that as not giving him space so it can be tricky. What facilitated the break up? Is it an issue that the two of you have dealt with in the past?You mention that you apologized but it sounds like he really isn’t responding.
Seems like oi have two options; you can give him his space and let him come out of his cave when he is ready. You can send him 1 more short but sweet text letting him know that you are thinking of him and hope that you can connect when he is ready.
One thing that I think might also be helpful is the book “The 5 Love Languages.” It is written by a therapist and it describes 5 Languages in which we give and receive love from each other. The 5 Languages are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Affection, Acts of Service, and Gifts. The book describes the importance learning how to give each other what you both need using your individual love language. I think the tyou would find it very helpful!
I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Candace, I really do understand what you are going through and I am sorry things feel so awkward. When you see him at the gym are you both at least friendly to each other in the way you used to be? I can understand that you don’t want to have a full on friendship with him but at the same time it would be nice if you both could get to the point where you are comfortable saying hi and having a short conversation.
After he sent that message saying he needed to take a fe steps back, did the two of you ever talk face to face about the situation? If not, do you think that meeting for coffee to talk about it would give you more insight into what is going on for him? What type of commitment is he thinking you are ready for? It’s only been about 2 months and is still in the ‘getting to know you’ phase so I’m not sure what type of commitment either of you is ready for.
Kanya
Hi PAdmini, I can imagine that him becoming distant so many times over the years has made it difficult to trust him to stick around. The reality i, he may do the same thing this time. It sounds like the two of you are just talking at this point. Is that correct? What if, for now, you treat this like a friendship with the potential for more? What if you use this time to talk about some things and work some things through?
The reason I am suggesting this is because I am sensing that the two o you are in a repetitive cycle that seems difficult to break. Does he talk about his tendency to pull away, to disconnect? When he does this, are the times he does it getting shorter? Are you feeling less hurt when it happens and taking it less personally? Is this a habit he has in other areas of his life as well?
Kanya
