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Hi Anna, So glad that you are here! The first question I have is why does he want to remain friends versus dating? Did he give specific reasons and if so what were they? Are you two still spending time together and/or going on adventures?
I know this sounds weird, but he may find you far more interesting if you are less available to him. Let’s see if we can change things up. At this point, who initiates communication most frequently? What if you started to do really fun things with other friends and figure out a way to let him know like posting pics on social media. Let him see that you are having a lot of fun even if it isn’t with him. Taking a step back and reinvesting in your life could be the thing that makes him want to spend that time with you. Have you tried something like this?
Kanya
Hi Tiana, That must be really upsetting and hurtful and even confusing. I’m glad you are here!
What was happening when he started to pull away? How old was your child at the time? What does he complain about regarding the relationship? What does he say he is not getting enough of?
I acknowledge that you have attempted to talk to him even if he hasn’t been open to talking about it. Is it possible that having another child has triggered some fear in him about settling down and really committing? How old was his older child when he and his ex split?
Kanya
Hi Di M, Actually, I would not send a birthday message. He isn’t even responding to your text messages at this point. No need to give to him when he has not been willing to give to you. It will have a bigger impact if you stop communicating. That way he can start to wonder where you are and what you are doing. He’ll start to wonder if you are dating someone else which will be uncomfortable for him. I know it is difficult but we already know that reaching out to him isn’t getting his attention or response. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rachel, My heart goes out to you. This sounds like a very painful and lonely situation. I’m curious, was has he always been this was or was he a very different person in the beginning? What did the two of you have that made you fall in love and want to live together? Can you share more about the positives so that we can better support you?
In terms of feeling that you can’t leave him for emotional or financial reasons, I’m curious how you supported yourself before the two of you moved in together? If you could do it before, let’s figure out how you can do it again so that you don’t feel so trapped. It is really important that a woman know she can support herself financially so that she never has to stay in a relationship for financial reasons. Do the two of you make the same amount of money? A 50/50 split of bills is only appropriate if the income is the same. If one person makes more money, they need to be paying a larger amount of the expenses. Can you tell me more about how the house hold rules were set up?
What type of behavior or words seem to be important to him? Are there things in the past that made him more connected and emotionally available?
Kanya
Hi Jean, This must be really frustrating. I am really glad that you are here. The symptoms you describe are not related to ADD. It sounds more like depression and the days when he is on the couch wanting to be alone are the days when it is hitting him the most. Has he ever been diagnosed with a mood disorder or been under a doctor’s care for this? Is this behavior something that you have seen since you began dating?
Can you tell me more about the relationship? How long have the two of you been together? How many days in a month is he wanting to be alone? Does it feel like a normal need for space or something more? And, how do you cope when he is not available? What is your support system like?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I would not say that you miss him. It seems like you’ve already communicated this to him and it hasn’t had any positive affects. I think you can go with being friends and see what evolves. Letting him know that you miss him definitely sends the message that you want to get back together. For now, friends only!
If he brings up the relationship or how things didn’t work to, you can at that point say soemthing light like “In hindsight I can see that you were trying. I just didn’t always know how to let it in.” That is neutral in the sense that you are just reflecting on something versus trying to get something back. Does that difference make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, IN reading what you wrote I don’t think you did anything wrong. You are being yourself, fun and clear. Nothing stands out for me. Online dating is really difficult for soooooo many reasons. He could have met someone recently and not be good at being honest, he might have realized he wasn’t ready, he might actually be married and be messing around. WE can’t possibly know. I would encourage you not to take any of this personally. You really do need to meet a lot of different people online before meeting someone who is a good fit.
Is there any one else you are interested in that you are communicating with? Since you work in a predominantly male field, is there anyone you have a solid working relationship with whom interests you?
Kanya
Hi Padmini, You are doing so great. I know from experience that it issn’t easy when a ma goes into his cave. I love that you have learned to not take it personally and wait it out. I hope that you can do this while still feeling good about yourself. The reality is, he is not doing this because of you. He is doing this when he becomes emotionally overwhelmed. It isn’t that you are doing anything wrong. And, you aren’t actually overwhelming him. The reality is, he isn’t great at processing emotions But, he does seem to be getting better at it. He clearly feels safe with you because he is willing to stick around even when he is so uncomfortable at times.
That being said, we can’t know how much he will grow, how comfortable he will ultimately be with his emotions. I think that going slow is the way to go. How often do you two get to see each other? What is it like when you do hang out?
Kanya
Hi Ana, I can totally understand why you are heart broken. It sounds as though you both might be heart broken. It seems like the two of you did somethng that a lot of coulples do-you stopped nurturing your connection. You’ve been spending time on devices and stopped doing the things that would help you reconnect like walking and hiking and being in nature.
Relationship do require time and effort to keep things interesting. Now that the two of you have drifted apart it sounds like it is hard for him to find that spark. Which is really another way of saying that he can’t find the connection. Physical affection is most likely his Love Language and he hasn’t been getting his love needs met. Are the two of you familiar with The Five Love Languages? That might be somethng you two can at least explore. It is important to know wha teach of your love languages is and how to give and receive what you each need.
In terms of whether or not you have a chance, my sense is, if he is willing to work on things, the two of you could actually learn a lot about each other and reconnect in lovely ways. Once you can do this, the connection and the attraction usually follows. Are the two of you open to working with a counselor at this time?
Kanya
Hi Geneviv, You must be so confused! This guy is like the kind of mixed messages. It seems like he wants to keep you to himself even though he broke up with you. In a weird way he just isn’t setting you free. Does it ever feel like that to you?
I what I’m hearing is because he is thinking about a future he feels he needs to be with someone who is Jewish. Is that accurate? When the two of you were together for 4 years did you meet his family, talk about a future? If he isn’t going to get back together because of your religious differences or other differences, you may need to determine what boundaries work for you. Right now it seems to be all about what he wants. Have you gotten clear about what you want?
Kanya
Hi Laarreaver, I’m sorry to hear that the two of you have split. I can’t tell from your message what it is you are wanting support with. Do you want to reunite with him? Work things out? If you are open to it, can you share more about your relationship and what occurred? How long were the two of you together? Married, dating, living together? What triggered the break up? Is this how he usually acts when he is upset? What has helped him calm down and reengage in the past?
Kanya
Hi Colleen, I like that you like the parts of you that come out when you are around him. Just remember that these parts are there, inside of you, even when he is not around. He isn’t creating them in you but your confidence and strength are letting them shine through!
I agree with Heidi-You really are getting this! Letting him lead is an important thing to do. You can see that he is being more flirty and fun with you as he gets to pursue you. My sense is once his test is done he will try to set up a time for the two of you to meet. I’m glad that you are busy next week. It will make it easier to not be available. This is important as if it is too easy for him to get your attention he will not value it as much. What if you let yourself keep doing what you are doing? Maybe give it a week and then ignite his hero instinct. Any ideas regarding what assistance you could ask him for?
Kanya
Hi Candace, It sounds like the pressure he was feeling is resolving. Are you able to hang out with him and take things slowly? Perhaps building more of a friendship and connection first?
I wanted to address something you shared above. You spoke about expressing your disappointment. For a guy that can feel really parental. The reality is, they don’t want to disappoint us but occasionally they will. THey’re human. It happens. When it does, pay attention to two things; first, ask yourself if this is something you need to address. Next, when you address it try to phrase it in the positive. By this I mean rathe than saying what you don’t want, highlight what you do want. When he does something you like, give him lots of positive reinforcement so he learns what you need and what you value in a positive way. Does this make sense?
Kanya
