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Hi Candace. I am sorry for this feedback. I think that what you are dealing with is very normal. He is too recently divorced to be ready for another series relationship, that we know. But, staying connected is something that makes sense for you and for him at this time. I always encourage people to trust their guts and do what feels right.
I think that asking for help with the machine is the way to go. At the very least, it lets you practice igniting his hero instinct. When do you anticipate seeing him again?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, This is so interesting. It sounds like he is starting to see through her, see her agenda, and really recognize that she isn’t really his friend. Isn’t this what you have wanted? It seems like you might be angry that he didn’t listen to you before. Is that accurate. The thing is, we all need to get to the place of understanding on our own. We can’t be forced to do it sooner than we are ready to. Does that make sense. It seems as though he has finally gotten to the place you wanted him to be. Rather than being angry with him, could you find a way to acknowledge him and let him know that you are proud of him?
Kanya
hi Zobeeda, I am so sorry to hear about the assault. That must have been terribly frightening. I hope you continue to get medical care so that your body and spirit can heal in an optimal way. Now that you are home, have you taken time to look at the resources that Heidi shared with you? I think that the video as well as the book would be a good for you to take a look at right now. We really are wanting you to connect to your inner strength and sense of value. Yes, you have been given a lot of messages about that over the years but ultimately you are in charge of how you feel about yourself. You are in charge of how you treat yourself. You are in charge of your beliefs about what you deserve and your inherent value.
As Heidi shared, it takes time to change these habitual thoughts and emotions but today seems like the best time to start!
Kanya
Hi Tiana, It sounds like you might be sharing some resources at times but you aren’t sure if he is taking advantage of them. To what degree do you think he realizes that his feelings about not working affect other areas in his life?
What are the ways the two of you are having fun and actually connecting. Do you cook together, watch movies, do activities?
Kanya
Hi Padmini, It sounds as though things are going well and moving in a positive direction. Your post gives me an idea of how much you are thinking about this. Actually, it tells me how much you are over thinking about this situation. It sounds as though you are questioning all the time about his intentions, level of happiness with your time together as well as the future. You must be exhausted.
What is really important is that you learn to tolerate the not knowing in this situation. Actually, not knowing is part of all relationships. You can’t judge this relationship by analyzing his response to all things. Instead, it is important that you be yourself and enjoy your time together. Is over thinking a habit for you in general? How do you think it affects your time with your guy? HAs he even talked to you about your worry or need to reassurance? Let’s see how we can make this a more relaxing and enjoyable experience for you.
Kanya
Hi Sara, Isn’t it amazing how something can cross our path just as we need it! It sounds like you have some great ideas about what you would like to say if you had the chance to say it. Since he has blocked all electronic avenues to contact him, two possibilities come to mind. First, can you call his work number to reach him directly? Second, do you know his address? If so, what do you think about writing him a letter and mailing it to him?
It is a little tricky because he has set a strong boundary with you by blocking you on everything. If you do choose to other two options it is important that you be respectful. If you call work I wouldn’t try to talk about things but rather ask him if it would be okay if he unblocked you so you could send him one message. He may or may not be open to that but do you think it is worth a try?
Kanya
Hi Candace, What a great awareness. I love that you were inspired to become more approachable and it sounds like you got immediate recognition from the men around you. Smiling really is the universal sign! Please keep us posted on the ways your connections with men continue to grow! all the best.
Kanya
Hi Crystal, I totally understand that baring your feelings to him right now is super scary. How could it not be? This seems to be the time for him to work on himself so this might not be the time to bare your feelings. Instead, focus on rebuilding a solid friendship. It will be important that he open up and share more about why he made the decision to cheat. You shared that he wasn’t getting his needs met in the relationship Did he talk about that with you and try to work on it prior to cheating?
Kanya
Hi Candace, It sounds like you are doing a great job with all of this! For now I would just focus on being friendly when you see him at the gym. Sometimes a guy will need to test the waters to see what a women is saying will match what she does. You’re doing great at showing him by your actions that you are good with a friendship. Time will tell if he will pursue that more or not. You may want to do something to ignite his hero instinct in a few weeks. Asking him for help or advice about something. Are you familiar with that technique?
Kanya
Hi Tiana, It does sound complicated. I can understand why you would be wondering if he is talking to someone else give he is acting distant and is spending a lot of time on social media. Is he stressed out about work of something else at this time? Just wondering if there are other things that are bothering him. I know you shared that he doesn’t really talk. I wonder if he is talking just indirectly. Are there things he is complaining about? Thinks that he gets upset or frustrated over that lead him to go on his phone?
Have you shared calmly and honestly about what you are noticing? It could be something as simple as saying “You don’t seem happy lately. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Kanya
Hi Colleen, You are doing great! I’m not surprised that he is reaching out to you more now that you are initiating less. It is totally fine to initiate at times. I usually recommend a 3 to 1 ratio until things are solidified. That means that you initiate 1 time for every 3 times he initiates. If you start initiating more and he reaches out less, then pull back as well. You will find the right balance that works!
One thing I do want to check in with you about are your expectations. HE has shared that he isn’t interesting in long term or being too serious. Yes you seem to be having feelings of something deeper. It is important to balance your feelings a bit and remain realistic with what is currently happening. I know that it is easy to get washed away in intense feelings as we all do that at times but it is important to also practice being present with what is and trusting the process. How are you feeling about actually being light about things?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, That must have felt really confusing. How long were the two of you communicating? Did you ever meet in person or just talked on the phone? Knowing moe about the nature of the relationship might help me understand it more.
While I think it is natural to wonder if we did something, let’s talk about how to take a sept back and look at the situation. Asking what you did wrong assumes that your behavior is the only force at work here. The reality is, there are a lot of forces at work here. WAHt he said about being busy and having company could be completely true. We don’t know how much he is able to juggle before getting overwhelmed. I’m also not clear on how well you know him so other factors could be at play as well. Can you share more about the nature of the relationship?
Kanya
Hi Crystal, It all is very confusing, isn’t it. I am sorry that he choose to cheat on you. That must have felt very painful at the time. Did he share any of the reasons that he did that? Do you know how long he was seeing this other person or if there were others?
I think you are asking great questions about what his current behavior means. The thing is, at this stage I’m not even sure that he knows what he wants. I like the idea of stepping back and letting him figure things out. Have you tried to ignite his hero instinct recently? What type of things could you ask for his asssistance?
When he initiates contact do you take your time responding? DO the two of you have a history of being able to talk things through or do you have a more indirect communication style?
Kanya
Hi Irina, I am so proud of you! I love that you decided to see what else was out there for you. It sounds like the two of you have a great connection and a similar take on life and relationships. Isn’t it refreshing to meet someone like that!
I would encourage you to take things one step at a time. Saying he felt in love with you right away isn’t really possible. He may have been intrigued and attached but falling in love takes a lot of time and energy. For now enjoy what you have but don’t rush to make plans for the future. Often times when we fall quickly, we can fall out just as quickly. Keep a slow and steady pace and let things grow over the course of time! And, keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Linda, Ughhhh This is complicated. I can understand why this is soooo frustrating and confusing. On the one hand he wants to be with you but he is sabotaging. And, this girl has some sort of power over him. He would need to cut her off completely to be able to move on with his life but he really needs to get to that place on his own. I don’t think he wants to be with her yet he has lied about things so it is possible that we don’t know the whole story about her and his connection to her.
I think he does need time to figure things out but I doubt that he can do that with out some profession help. Is he open to working with a therapist? He has some attachment stuff and basic fear of commitment, which he already knows. But, if he could figure it out on his own he would have done that by now. Have you talked about the possibility of doing that together?
I acknowledge your strength-you can’t be with someone that lies to you. That creates so much disease inside of you and will lower your self confidence over time which is not something that you want to do. Please tell me if you are both open to getting professional support.
Kanya
