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Hi Carol, This certainly is complicated. When you are steady and connected, he pulls away When he is steady and connected, you pull away. It’s as if neither of you can yet tolerate things being positive for any extended period of time. While we can’t change his behavior, it is important for you to start to change yours. When he gets busy, and isn’t as available it is okay to just give him some space. Yes, he has time to talk to friends but that is okay. All couples need to take breaks from time to time. We need to hang with friends and do other things so that we actually miss each other!
In terms of this girl, it sounds as though she is really unimportant to him. So I think you need to ignore their friendship for now. You’ve read the texts and they are of no consequence. Even if he is taking space form you and texting with her it does not appear to mean anything. While it is normal to feel jealous as times it is important to talk yourself through it and remain calm with him. I’ve seen this type of thing resolve a hundred times and it NEVER resolves when a GF is pushing a guy to do something. It only resolves when your guy feel you respect him enough to make a good decision. Does that make sense?
TO answer an earlier question of how to you convince him you are different and won’t leave again? The best way to show him is by showing him your behavior has changed. Words will not do it. Seeing the change over time will have th most impact!
Kanya
Hi Colleen, I think that you are really o the right track. Being open to new possibilities and options is vital and can be really fun! Even though it has been a long time since you dated and it feels stressful there are defiantly ways to make it fun and enjoyable!
Anniversaries and holidays after a divorce will be difficult-even when you are sure you do not want to be with that person. It is just part of the grieving process. We naturally think of what could have been versus what actually was and then we find ourselves feeling sad all over again.
I can understand that it was hurtful when your ex said he was taking his new woman out to celebrate. And, you can celebrate too! Getting a divorce is certainly sad and complicated and overwhelming but it is also the start of a new life which cn be exciting and amazing. Don’t forget to let yourself feel the excitement as well!
Playing the what if game is a normal part of grieving. Therapist refer to it as the bargaining phase. We imagine what we could have done differently to get a different outcome. Over time you can remind yourself that doing so isn’t going to change the outcome. Then, let yourself determine what lessons you can learn from this experience and how to apply those learnings to your life now and in the future.
Kanya
Hi Geneviv, When he says he wants to travel to your home country but he only wants to do it with you, what does that mean? Does that mean he is not willing to meet any of your family and friends? Can you clarify?
It sounds as though he continues to get what he wants out of all of this but he isn’t really taking into account what you need. Do you think he knows what you need? Have you taken the time to figure out what you need and communicated that to him.
It seems like he is pushing off your attempts to talk about things and understand the situation more fully. I’m wondering if you agree and if this is a common response from him? In all honesty, he is acting in a selfish way at this time. He’s telling you that you have no future yet he isn’t letting you go. On the contrary, he is keeping you close and still acting like you are his girlfriend in the sense that you are supportive and willing to give him what he wants. I’m wondering how all of this is making you feel?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, oh my gosh, you are doing great! I am so glad that you had the courage to join the meet up group and do something that you enjoyed. It sounds like you had a great weekend. I love that you connected with some attentive male energy. It sounds like it felt really good for you to spend time with Paul, bringing yourself and being open to vulnerability. For now, I would se him as a friend and focus on just becoming more open with men in social situations. He might be the guy that becomes close friend and confident. Rather than directing that connection, what if you just remain open to connecting more deeply with men and enjoying the process?
Do you have any more social plans that would give you the opportunity to connect with new people? What are your plans for exploring your feminine side more fully?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I love that you see the pattern nd are committed to freeing yourself of it! Well done. Are you working with a professional therapist or coach who can help to guide you? I’m thinking that this would really helpful and a great way for you to get support.
What habits in particular are you trying to change? We’d love to help you figure out some specifics!
Kanya
Hi Sara, I understand your concerns. Defiantly do not say a lot in your first message. Actually, I would not say a lot in any message because really this is something that you need to talk about in person in and when he is ready.
I might say something like “I know you are wanting your space and I understand why. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking and I realize you are right about a lot of things. I’m so sorry I was disrespectful and (Name what ever behavior you want to point out about yourself that didn’t work but describe it in 1-2 words.) I just wanted you to know. I will not contact you again but please know that if you even want to connect or talk about things I am here.”
That is it. And, you can’t keep contacting him after that. HE has asked for space, has blocked you, etc. It is important that you honor that and take a step back after sending this one message. After that, I think you need to let it go inside of yourself. He may respond, he may not, but it isn’t good for you to stay in this place if he can’t meet you there. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, You really are amazing! In a stressful situation you were able to take a step back, let go of attachment to how he handled this, and stay secure in yourself as you did it! And look at the results! Please remember this experience. If, in the future, you find yourself pushing someone to do something they aren’t able or ready to do, take a step back trusting the process. When someone makes this kind of decision on their own it is completely different than when they make it for someone else! Keep up the good work and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Harmony, Wow, what a big change since your first post on July 23! You really have done an amazing job managing all of this and learning to stay calm and present. It sounds as though the two of you have really figured out how to stay connected and open in a sweet way. You mentioned a while back about initiating conversations about marriage with him. Since he is so overwhelmed at work/school and doesn’t want to commit to a more serious relationship until school is done I wonder if it would make sense to enjoy your time together and let him initiate those conversations. He seems to be on the right track. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Tiana, I’m wondering if telling him how you feel is different than asking him how to be a better partner for him. I thing that later may help him open up and share more of what he is going through, what he is feeling. Of course, if you don’t think this is the right time then let it go for now and focus on having more fun. What types of low cost things can you do? Do you have group-on where you are? The is a great way to do fun things without spending a tin of money!
Kanya
Hi Louw, I am so glad that you are here. IT sounds like you have been frustrated by his behavior for some time. I can understand why. The thing is, it sounds like the two of you actually want different things. He wants to come and go, see other girls, and make hanging out with his friends a priority. You would like him to be your boyfriend even if it is not ‘serious.’ I can’t see how these two things could work together. Perhaps he can see how they could work together either.
Sometimes we are really frustrated by a situation, by differences, and we push someone to be more of what we want, to do more of what we want. Is that something that you were trying to do? Were you trying to change him to be more of what you want?
I saw a great quote recently that really says a lot “Girls try to change men but woman change direction.” That means that when a woman meets someone who wants something different than they do, rather than wasting time trying to change that guy they move on and find someone who actually fits. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Geneviv, I am sorry about all of this. It really sounds confusing. It sounds as though you maybe thought that he would change his mind about all of this? When you said that you would convert to Judaism was that something that you were really willing to do at the time? What about now?
For the 4 years you were together he never introduced you to anyone in his life? TO me that reflects that he never really let you in to his life. That must have been really difficult. Did you argue about it? Did you want more? It sounds as though he has been being selfish for a long time. And yes, he is continuing to be selfish. He is treating you in a way that is hurtful and insensitive. While you have no power to change his behavior, you have a lot of power in other ways. You can change how you respond to his behavior and you can determine what your boundaries are. In all of our communication you have been trying to accommodate him. Perhaps it is time to stop doing that. It sounds as though cutting off communication would be better FOR YOU. He wants to keep being friends and getting support but that is hurting you deeply. What do you think of telling him you are going to take a beard and blocking him for a month? Then, you can assess if it is better to be in contact or not. If he is not getting back together they why work this hard on staying in contact with him?
Kanya
Hi Colleen, Wow, you are amazing. woman! I love how conscious you are being about all if this. Going slow and having fun seems to be the best course of action. Yes, it might turn into a relationship. Yes, if/when it ends more sadness will arise from he end of the marriage. That is just how grief works in humans. In many ways the dance of grief is like taking 1 step forward and 1 step back.
I am so moved by the memory that you shared. This is something that you will continue to process as it was so hurtful and the hurt and confusion went so deep. It is important that you identify any judgments that you made about yourself in that situation and forgive those judgements. What ever negativity you felt towards you, it is time to release that. Just let it go. One techniques I highly recommend and do myself is called EFT Tapping. Here is a link that I think will help you let go of the past and move forward;
Try to do it a few times a day for the next week and let us know what you notice about that memory and how you are feeling in general!
Kanya
Laarreaver, I just responded to another open thread about this. Please just use that thread from now on to make it easier. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Laarreaver, I think it is time for a reboot. I think you need to start to focus on you. Taking care of yourself and getting support is super important at this time. You need to get to a place where you feel calm and secure regardless of what is happening in the relationship. If you continue to push or try to get him to talk when he is not ready or able, emotions will continue to escalate. For now, taking a step back seems like a good strategy. What do you think about that idea?
Also, if seems as though you have multiple posts on here about this so it would be easier if you just respond to one thread at this point. Thanks!
Kanya
